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Controlling behaviour (mine) and how to address it

(8 Posts)
MildWest Mon 13-Jul-09 14:22:12

Right, I suspect this may be difficult to write clearly but here goes...

Am about to get married to wonderful DP, we have a DD too and would like more DCs. However, I'm very aware that I need to address my control-freakery, both for DH and DD, and for me!

Am becoming aware that perhaps I'm lacking self-esteem which manifests itself as control-freakery. DH is wonderful, affectionate, motivated, socialable and a great dad. It seems all I do is nag at him, cut him down etc. I know this is the case in many relationships, but it seems v. similar to the way my parents were, and I'd really like to address it rather than ignore. I often feel anxious and irritable and my carrying on must make him feel awful. It has also affected a friendship, where the friends OH also is a bit of a control-freak blush

I didn't have a terrible childhood by any means (DH by contrast had a very disruptive upbringing), but do remember my mother going to school to ask them to help me be assertive rather than aggressive, and I knew about it at age 8 or 9. There wasn't much praise or affection or no-strings fun.

Am starting to wonder whether some kind of therapy might help me to start to address the issues I have. I look at my innocent little DD and really don't want her to suffer the baggage I feel i have sad Really, I need to be kinder to DH, believe in myself and be able to support and nurture DD. I feel like I need help to do that though. Does everyone feel like this or is it worth persuing some help? It's becoming a bit of a pre-occupation, like a little commentary always there, reminding me 'you're not good enough to be a mum', 'DD had a bit of a rubbish day today, can't you try a bit harder', 'all those people over there feel a bit sorry for your baby'

Cor, what a load of waffle! Impending wedding and meeting new people since DD was born have bought it all to a head though really. Would welcome your thoughts.

MissisBoot Mon 13-Jul-09 14:26:12

I would definitely suggest giving therapy a go - It may be that there is an underlying reason or event that is behind your behaviour - good to start working on it now rather than watching your relationship with your dh and dd change.

It will also help you understand why you behave in this way which in turn helps you control this type of behaviour.

OhBling Mon 13-Jul-09 17:09:24

Therapy. Sounds like an excellent plan. It doesn't even necessarily have to be ongoing forever. I know a lot of people, including me, who've gone on 8 or 12 week "courses" that really help. They're designed to make you think about things and develop tools to help you manage things better.

Acknowledging there's a problem is the first step so well done!

MildWest Tue 14-Jul-09 19:28:06

Thanks for the encouragement, I'll look into therapy. Not sure where to start though, Yellow Pages?!

Slashtrophe Tue 14-Jul-09 19:46:52

This:
http://wam.bacp.co.uk/wam/SeekTherapist.exe?NEWSEARCH

should tell you who is accredited in your area and qives details of their specialisms. HTH

optimisticmumma Tue 14-Jul-09 19:50:54

have you looked at 'human givens'? Just google, but have heard of great/quick results! HTH

sazlocks Tue 14-Jul-09 19:52:40

brave post OP - I think some therapy would be a helpful start. Have you talked to your DP about how he feels/how your behaviour affects him ? You seem to be taking all of the responsibility on to yourself but there are two people in every relationship. Therapy should help you to sort some of what is yours to work out and some of what belongs to other people - if that makes sense.
Re BACP - second this but I would strongly suggest you only go for someone who is both on the BACP list and is accredited by BACP.

alison56 Wed 15-Jul-09 19:43:10

you sound very self-aware - you'll do very well in therapy!

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