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Is it when they know you've hit the nail on the head that say say that you need help?

(9 Posts)
saddest Mon 13-Jul-09 08:49:50

I suspect that it is.

My husband never makes love to me and shows me no affection. He shows no interest in my life.

When I suggest that maybe ne doesn't love me any more, he says of course he does and that I need to get some kind of help.

There are a million things I could say about the details, but that is essentially it, most of the detail has been posted by other's in similar situations.

I have had councelling in the past and there really is nothing to say. Actions speak louder than words in the end.

What to do?

saddest Mon 13-Jul-09 08:51:09

ne = he

councelling = counselling.

Can't bloody spell either.

foofi Mon 13-Jul-09 08:51:51

What do you want to happen?
Do you love him?

HappyWoman Mon 13-Jul-09 08:55:23

Some people are just less affectionate doesnt mean he does not love you.
You need to decide what you want, first and if he cannot fuful your needs then you need to make some changes - not expect him to read your mind and change,

saddest Mon 13-Jul-09 08:55:48

I loved him.
I don't feel that I know who he is any more. he is so distant. You can't love a stranger can you?

I want him to be who I met eight years ago.
He was the most wonderful man in the world. He used to turn up love songs on the radio and dance with me in the kitchen.

I KNOW that real life takes over, but there is none of that left, nothing, no hugs, no sex, no talking, nothing.

I feel pretty desolate, and pretty deceived by him. He is not the same person. Not even close.

saddest Mon 13-Jul-09 08:59:32

And when I do try to talk about it, he sya that I need to get help.

whatanothernamechange Mon 13-Jul-09 10:20:17

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Have you thought of going to relate? there is not really much to go on here, do you have children? You say you "loved" him don't you love him any more and have you tried instigating any hugs, sex etc yourself? What does he do if you do this? Also how much is he around, does he "disappear off" or work very long hours?
How about telling him that he needs to show you that he loves you in a way that you understand, because everyone speaks a different love language. For some people it means demonstrating affection, for other people it means having a tidy house etc.
You sound so sad. I really hope you can both work through this.

saddest Mon 13-Jul-09 10:40:17

Thank you for replying.

I have seen your thread, and many others that all seem to have these similar themes....It is increibly sad.

I have a ds from my previous marriage. He spent £30 000 on porn and seemed not to think it was a problem that ds saw some of it too when I was out at work. All in the past thank God. He is gone from both of our lives.

I have a dd with my dh. We are to all intents and purposes, and to the outside world a stable and loving family.

When I got together with dh it was the most amazing time of my life. I have never known love like it. He would bang on about respect, which of course was completely missing in my first marriage.

He would sing and dance with me, in the kitchen, in the supermarket! He was SO much fun, and incredibly romantic, buying daft gifts and paying endless compliments.

I know when it all changed. When I miscarried. Before dd was conceived. That's when I noticed things start to subtly change.

I have mentioned this. I have suggested that it had a bigger effect than he knows. It never gets further than that.

What to do? I suspect that there is more, but I can't reach him, and him shutting me out is devastating.

He uses his work to bury himself.

It feels like such a spral

Sorry this was long.

whatanothernamechange Mon 13-Jul-09 10:59:51

So sorry about your miscarriage. I lost a baby too about 5 years ago so (if you'll accept it)((hug)). And I know how they can go within themselves about that. I don't know what to suggest except talk, talk talk about it, suggest some sort of couple counselling, ask him if he wants you to break up. Tell him how you feel, tell him you love him (if you do), tell him how him shutting you out makes you feel. It sounds as if you have something worth fighting for so I can only pass on advice that I was given FIGHT! I know what it is like when they bury themselves in work as well, don't let it get to the stage where you don't care anymore. Ask him where he sees the relationship in 3 / 4 years time. Also sorry about your first marriage, and well done for escaping from that. There are women who let men get away with absolutely anything because "marriage" is such a status symbol to them that they don't care how it affects the dc's etc. How are the dc's through this btw?

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