Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

has anyone else done this?

(43 Posts)
tmiforaday Mon 13-Jul-09 08:11:19

name changed for this. since having 7mo ds i have become increasingly pissed off with h's slack approach to domestic tasks. basically he refuses to accept responsibility for any of them and would live like a pig given half the chance. i know this is true because i saw his flat before we moved in together.....before ds i was happy to do the lion's share, and could nag him to pitch in a bit at weekends. however, the workload has increased so much and h is just not doing his fair share.

i feel like i've tried everything. i have nagged, shouted, cried, remained calm, got angry, done everything (am not prepared to do nothing, i can't live in filth) gone home to mum, written to him and talked to him. all with minimal improvement.

he will watch ds whilst i have a lie in occasionally. this weekend i got two lie ins whilst he minded ds, but that's all he does, ie nappies aren't put in the bin, dishes don't go in the dishwasher , the place looks like a bomb's hit it.

so i'm going on sex strike. i'm hoping it's the one thing that will get his attention. nothing else gets taken seriously. has anyone else tried this and has it been / not been successful?

HappyWoman Mon 13-Jul-09 08:52:07

oh dear!

You knew he was a slob before you moved in together - so sorry to say you want to change him - i dont think you will.

I dont think it will work to go on sex strike - he will resent you and i certainly dont think it will make him want to tidy up any more do you?

You need to find a way to make him want to stay clean and tidy - or accept that is just him.

tmiforaday Mon 13-Jul-09 09:23:10

noooooo, i don't like your answer!! more answers please!

LoveBeingAMummy Mon 13-Jul-09 09:29:52

He doesn't care about doing housework you do, so get him to take PFB out for a couple of hours and you get on with it.

TBH I do agree with happywoman, if he tried to get you to be like him you wouldn't do it so why should he?

You won't change him just find a way around it.

tmiforaday Mon 13-Jul-09 09:40:08

it's childcare + housework that get on top of me - he is getting better at taking ds, and has suggested a cleaner, but am resentful that one of us starts work at 6am and finishes at 8, whilst the other works office hours with occasional sole responsibility for ds. also still doing night feeds. i can't just accept this. we would like more dc's but am starting to think i won't cope.

(am also working 3.5 days a week btw)

foofi Mon 13-Jul-09 09:46:27

Withholding sex is bound to make him more irritable - don't see how that will make him more helpful around the house - just worse to live with probably. Can't see the connection - you say you've 'nagged, shouted and cried' - can't you just TALK to him?

MuppetsMuggle Mon 13-Jul-09 09:50:40

I think you should find out why he doesn't want to help you out TBH, have a talk with him. Withholding sex as the others say will only make him resent you.

saintmaybe Mon 13-Jul-09 09:56:05

Do you not want to have sex yourself?

JesusLovesYou Mon 13-Jul-09 10:09:21

get a cleaner

whatanothernamechange Mon 13-Jul-09 10:10:45

I'd have thought having sex might persuade him to be more helpful, it certainly used to put dh in a better mood and make him more likely to pitch in if I asked him to. Also I found it made me feel better too. wink

gemmiegoatlegs Mon 13-Jul-09 10:20:17

I think maybe the idea of witholding sex altogether is a bit much. But i know when my dh is in the mood and i've got a giant list of jobs to be done before I can switch off for the day, i do let him know i fancy his chances better if he helps me out by packing lunch boxes/putting bins out/finishing the ironing.

i think its unfair of people to tell the op she is unreasonable to expect her dh to change. People can change. And both parties in a relationship should be expected to compromise.

sandcastles Mon 13-Jul-09 10:20:38

Yes, good idea...go on a sex strike & then he will start using porn to relieve himself, which in turn will take over your realtionship so when YOU want sex, he'll have no desire for it whats-so-ever!

Either that or he will go elsewhere!

Like others said, you knew this before you moved in/had a child with him.

tmiforaday Mon 13-Jul-09 10:24:22

foofi op states i have talked to him. i have talked til blue in the face. unfortunately i don't have any control over the person listening to me.
saintmaybe no, i don't really fancy it - am knackered from working, cooking, cleaning and bfing.
whatanothernamechange - forgot to mention in my op that i have also used sex as a reward in the past.
jesus a cleaner will still only come once a week...it will help a bit though, and am considering it.

i expected to get flamed with answers i didn't like on this - mn is not somewhere to discuss details of one's private life - hence the name change.

please note, i am not withholding affection, we are still on good terms. i am just trying a new method of getting the message through to him that our division of labour is unfair. am surprised noone is with me!

tmiforaday Mon 13-Jul-09 10:28:27

gemmie - thanks for the understanding smile
sandcastles nothing wrong with him using porn, especially whilst we are coping with a young baby and i don't have any energy. i don't see the justification for him to go elsewhere after a short sex strike though!!

saintmaybe Mon 13-Jul-09 10:29:20

If you don't really feel like sex, because you're tired, or any other reason you shouldn't, and I see no harm in pointing that out to him

Isn't that 'natural consequences'? wink

MuppetsMuggle Mon 13-Jul-09 10:36:16

tmi - did he give a reason for not wanting to help out esp as you have DS now?

sandcastles Mon 13-Jul-09 10:41:19

No, nothing wrong with him using porn at all, until he uses it to an extent that he'd rather use it than sleep with you. Then you will feel very differently about it.

And again, no there is no justification for him to go elsewhere, but many men don't need much of one anyway!

I am not saying he will do either of these things, just that playing games like this usually end up with the 'player' (i.e you) getting rather more than they bargined for.

tmiforaday Mon 13-Jul-09 10:41:35

mm 'it's boring' and 'i don't get any time to myself' are the main reasons.......clearly, i have loads of time to myself - admittedly, am mning whilst ds naps instead of having a shower at the moment.

saintmaybe - have pointed this out...he has chosen to believe that i've 'gone off him'. am bored of arguing this point, so it is now turning into a strike.

i am certain however, that if i had a more helpful dh, who maybe made dinner unprompted, or took out the bins without instruction, that i would feel a hell of a lot more sexy.

i have mentioned this in the past.

sandcastles Mon 13-Jul-09 10:44:52

So he already feels like you have gone off him & now you are actively going to withhold sex?

Dangerous, imo. He is already insecure & you are going to be fanning the flames.

amisuchabadmummy Mon 13-Jul-09 10:48:00

Have a cleaner twice a week. And get her to take the ironing away with her and bring it back too.

tmiforaday Mon 13-Jul-09 10:50:24

ok, going to leave thread for a while, there is a touch too much of the 'made your bed now lie in it' mentality, and it's not helping! overwhelming advice seems to be that i should just be a good housewife and suck it up - literally or metaphorically.

thanks though! grin

Overmydeadbody Mon 13-Jul-09 10:53:31

Withholding sex won't work.

It won't change him.

The only thing that will change him is him wanting to change.

KTNoo Mon 13-Jul-09 10:54:16

I don't think it would work tbh.

We had these issues too. It's particularly bad when dcs are small and you are knackered, they don't go to school yet etc so you have no time. It gets better for you, but that doesn't mean my dh helps more. In fact I think he does less now, as his job is more demanding than when the dcs were very small. However I don't work - if I did I think we would get a cleaner.

I find that vague requests such as "You need to help more" don't work. I had more success by being specific, e.g. "Could you please do the dishes tonight?" or "Please could you make sure every nappy goes in the bin?" I have to ask several times, but if you ask nicely and directly he won't perceive it as nagging, and in time he should get used to doing certain things. Bit like training a dog really.

We always had the deal that dh would do the bath/bed routine (if he's home, which he isn't so much these days). It means I can get the cleaning up from dinner done in peace, and I actually don't mind as it gives me a break from all the yacking and fighting. wink

iwouldgoouttonight Mon 13-Jul-09 11:03:18

I sympathise with you, my DP can be a bit of a slob not the tidiest person in the world. His flat was bombsite when he used to live alone. I've kind of accepted that my level of tidiness and how often chores are done is always going to be different from his, but we have eventually come to a kind of agreement where he does some chores (admittedly less than me) but I'm happy with it now - DP tends to do more childcare related things and cooking dinner, and I do more of the cleaning type things (in an ideal world I'd rather cook than clean but at least I'm not doing both!). The only way we got to this point though was to keep talking about it (boring I know!). I don't think DP was being untidy to be lazy or nasty, he just genuinely didn't seem to see or mind the mess or understand how much it stressed me.

I've not tried the sex strike thing, although DP does now know that him sitting about while I clean up around him doesn't give me an uncontrollable urge to ravish him! The problem with withholding sex might mean you create another issue and maybe more problems. If it was me I'd keep the two things separate, if you want to go on strike stop doing his washing, cooking his meals, etc so when he has no clean shirts and nothing to eat he might realise how much you do.

whatanothernamechange Mon 13-Jul-09 11:26:43

Wasn't "flaming" you tmiforaday. Hope you manage to work it out. I wasn't suggesting you use sex as a reward either, just that I noticed that my H was more amenable to helping after sex and that it made me feel better too. I agree you should keep the sex thing separate. You've had some good advice on here especially about trying specific requests. And I don't think anyone was saying you've made your bed now lie in it, or suck it up. I note you say he should "make the dinner unprompted" does that mean that he does it if asked? because mine will say "yes later " and not do it, or would just look at me incredulously if I actually asked him to make the dinner. There may be a little compromise needed in the form of you asking him, if he will actually do it when asked.
Hope you are ok.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now