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What a waste of space I am, still haven't moved things on!!!!

(22 Posts)
k850plus Sun 12-Jul-09 23:48:08

I posted a few weeks ago - about not wanting to be with my hubby any longer. Had set myself a deadline for sorting out separation - it has been and gone and I am still no further forward really. Came up with a couple more reasons why I couldn't do anything - important events for the kids so didn't want to rock the boat etc etc; those have also been and gone! I took advantage of a row the other evening - as usual sparked by eldests behaviour - and said that we shouldn't be together anymore, he said he despised me because of the way I have turned him into the person he is with my behaviour which he beleives is down to depression/menapause, he says we can't separate as we can't afford it and the only way out would be for him to kill himself!!!!! He has used that line many times in the past - I don;t think he would actually do it but it's not a nice thing to have hanging over you as a threat. I have taken advice re finances and in theory it is possible to survive albeit at a differnt standard of living. I know that I don't love him anymore, I don't respect him and I really do not want him in my everyday life. I really can't understand what is holding me back. I hate the thought of hurting him and causing him upset and pain - but why? He has had an affair, had at least one other "friend", and whilst he hasn't done a bad job of providing materially for us as a family, emotionally he is no support, and has a very poor relationship with the kids. I am still hoping that there is the chance of a relationship with a very dear friend - we admitted some 7 motnhs ago to each other that we had always had feelings for each other that went deaper than friendship but neither had so far done anything about it - but even this doesn't seem to be spurring me on. Why or why am I not getting on with the job in hand? I am just so pissed off with myself for being such a wimp, and always putting yet another excuse in the way!

HolyGuacamole Sun 12-Jul-09 23:52:55

I think I remember your posts.

I'd say forget the other man. Honestly, you have enough going on and need to sort yourself out and get your life back on track before you invite someone else into it. I mean that in the nicest of ways.

You say yourself that you can do this financially and it seems to be what you want. Is it fear of the unknown? Fear of being on your own? Wondering how you will cope?

If you do want to leave, you can't let his emotional blackmail stop you. He sounds like a nasty piece of work.

mrsboogie Mon 13-Jul-09 00:06:17

You are about to turn your entire life upside down - you can forgive yourself for prevaricating a bit.

as far as the threats to kill himself go - well that is his choice and not your responsibility, although people who threaten it like that tend not to usually be the ones who acually do it.

Just make a plan, take it step by step and do it in your own time.

You only have one life.

k850plus Mon 13-Jul-09 00:08:24

Hi, thanks for the reply. He has/can be a nasty piece of work at times - never any physical abuse, but he doens't give a .... about being verbally abusive. I want to live in relative peace, and not on the edge all the time, waiting for the next time he is verbally foul about our eldest who is a challenge I admit. Not in a way that he is out all hours/trouble with polie or anything remotely similar. But the similarity is that he is verbally abusive towards me - and my husband gets so angry that the kid has the nerve to be that way!!!!! When I say he has learnt by example he blows a fuse!!! Doesn;t see it!!!

Yes it's fear of the unknown, being on my own with the kids - both in their mid/late teens - I have family and friends who will suport me so no excuse really on that front. I have recently established that at work I am not a completer/finisher type person, seems that this spills over into my personal life too!!

Why can't I keep to the front of my mind the reasons I have for wanting to end my marriage. Why do I always end up worrying myself sick over what the outcome will be for hubby - I seem to have this ludicrous loyalty/sense of responsibility towards him. Is this all down to emotional blackmail, is that why I can't get myself sorted. I am far from being a completely selfless person - though others do seem to see me that way, not at all sure why.

It's all "doing my head in", on my mind 24/7, really struggle to cope with work and getting stuff done cause my mind is racing all the time trying to make sense of why I can't do what I want to do.

k850plus Mon 13-Jul-09 00:14:02

mrsboogie - if only you knew!!! I am planning and planning and planning, and have been planning for years if truth be told. Certainly I have been seriously wanting to do this for the last 4 years!!! Shouldn't I have achieved something by now. Friends tell me I am "over doing" the planning bit!!! It was 18 motnhs ago now that I caught him out having a thing with his "friend", that was the second time I really missed an ideal opportunity to get rid - I had reason to ask him to leave then, and 8 yrs previously when he had the full on affair! What's the matter with me?

HolyGuacamole Mon 13-Jul-09 00:20:13

Maybe your sense of routine over the years leads you to worry how he will cope without you? DH will be fine, I am sure he is big enough and ugly enough to get on with it. At the end of the day though, this is a person who you love/have loved so it is not easy to just say "right, I'm off, see ya". So many feelings are involved and probably you feel guilty too? Maybe you feel like you're abandoning him?

You do sound like you have given it a lot of thought though and the fact that you have wonderful family support is a really great thing.

mrsboogie Mon 13-Jul-09 00:29:01

You still feel responsible for him and his welfare - well that's part of what being in a couple is about, however he has reneged on the deal and you are still keeping to your side.

The old chestnut about not making an omelette without cracking eggs is true.

Just get on with it woman!

You know he will be fine and will probably have taken up with some other woman before you know it.

k850plus Mon 13-Jul-09 00:41:18

HolyG - You are right on all counts. We both lived alone before we married, him having been divorced by wife no 1 for unreasonable behaviour!!! ( didn't question it of course - you don't do you, you think it will be different with me)so practically he can cope, but hasn't done so for many years leaving me to do all normal things, and the holding of his hand for stuff. He has a distinct lack of confidence in himself, which I am sure is part and parcel of why he can be so very nasty at times. Any yes, I feel very guilty about no longer loving him, about not loving the father of my kids anymore, and for having much deeper feelings for someone other than my husband.

I know the OM should be kept out of things, but to be honest, I don't think I would be at this point if I hadn't had the encouragement from the OM - I have been unhappy for so very long but have just put up with it, it's only because I can see the possibility of something on the "other side" so to speak that I have got this far. I know that's not good, and it's not the main reason why I want to do this. The OM and I have no plans to definitely be together, it's very much wait and see what the future holds once I am in a position to think about the future.

In practical terms it's much simpler for me to leave. I want the kids to live nearer to where they go to school so that they can do the normal things others do - like have friends round for sleep overs, tea etc which are a no no in our house cause hubby is so anti-social. Hubby has so much "crap" inthe house, collections of this and that, his beloved classic car, plus another project car and his everyday car, garage full of kit to work on beloved cars etc etc - not to mention the fact that he has flatly refused to leave when I have suggested splitting up anyway, doesn;t intend to let me kick him out of the house he has put all his hard earnt money into, especially as he hates the job he has to do to earn that money. Always belittles the part time job I have done for the last 15 yrs which I have done like millions of others around the kids and their schooling. He is very unpleasant about the fact that I do a lesser job (in his view) now than before the kids - the status of my pre-kids job obviously meant much more to him than I initially realised.

All of this and I still feel too weak to do anything!!!!

k850plus Mon 13-Jul-09 00:47:25

MrsB - that comment "get on with it women" is something I keep saying to myself, and which OM and sister keep saying! I shall retire to my half of the bed, well the slither of the mattress that I allow myself to occupy ( no sex for over 3 yrs!!! that say a lot too doesn't it?) say a few words to my dear departed Granny about guidance and help ( I have a friend who is psychic and recommends a few words to Granny before I go to sleep at nights to see me through) and pray I wake up with more strength tomorrow to move this on.

Thanks to you and HolyG at this late hour for your support and encouragement. Feel that I am trying the patience of friends and family and can't keep chewing it over with them allthe time - they must be soo bored with it all and I am sure have little faith in me seeing it through.

HolyGuacamole Mon 13-Jul-09 00:52:42

Oh well in that case, I'm with mrsboogie smile

Get your arse in gear and never mind all this dilly dallying, faffing around wink

Seriously though, you sound like you have given this so much thought and planned as much as you can, which is majorly sensible. If you do it in 5 minutes time or if you do it in 10 years time, it is not going to change how hard the initial moving out part is. Maybe you just have to accept, that yes, it will be hard and there is nothing you can do about it.....but once you do it, you have done it and you will be too busy sorting yourself out and organising your new life to be worrying about DH and his cars.

You know hindsight will be beautiful? If/when you do this, you will look back and say "oh, I should have done this ages ago, it wasn't as bad as I thought".

mrsboogie Mon 13-Jul-09 00:56:38

good luck and let us know how you get on!

k850plus Mon 13-Jul-09 01:05:30

Just whilst I drink my cuppa, and before I iron the school uniforms and hubby work clothers for tomorrow this morning, I will entertain you with the story of how i found our about his friend 18months ago, and remind myself at the same time.

I had been at my sisters as usual with the kids, got a text to say he was going out with a mate - unusual, but didn't ring any alarm bells!!! Got home hour or so later, and got a call on my mobile from him. I could hear music in the back ground but he wasn't talking to me. Listened intently and could hear the local radio station playing, listened for about 15 mins, could hear man and women in conversation but not what they were saying, could hear she had foreign accent but not from where. Eventually hung up perplexed but not suspicious. Thought maybe he was at said mates house. In the morning mentioned the call - well his face was a picture. He said you couldn't come up with such a story line for an episode of Eastenders. He admitted that he had taken a "friend" (Polish women from work) out for a drink, and what I heard was the radio playing in the car as they drove go a nearby town!!!!!! It all fell into place then - the late night texts that I had thought I could hear whilst in a dozy state during the last few weeks, and him disappearing upstairs to whatch TV whilst laying on the bed mid evening and looking guilty when I went upstairs! He finished it of course!!!! Except on my daughters birthday he wanted to pop out and see his friends cause she was upset, and on New Years Eve he went and fetched her back from a party cause she had been let down by the taxi that she was waiting for - after him having done his usual of going to bed at 10pm on New Years Eve and leaving me to celebrate with the kids!!!!!

And I am still here, and feeling guilty about wanting out. COME ON WOMEN - GET ON WITH IT I HEAR YOU CRY!!!!

nooka Mon 13-Jul-09 01:08:41

I think you need to stop beating yourself up about how you got where you are now. Then I think you have to realise that there is no "right time". Things happen when they happen, and it doesn't really make much difference if you move out now, or if you had moved out after discovering the affair. You want to move on because there is no love left, and from what you have said, this has been the case for some time, and is unlikely to change.

If you have lined up the legal and financial side of things, why don't you start by looking at possible places to live? Maybe if you have a practical idea of possibilities it might be easier to take that first step?

As to why you are worried and scared, well of course you are, it is taking a big step - regardless of whether the step is the right one that's got to be at least a little scary.

cafelattefan Mon 13-Jul-09 22:36:02

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mpuddleduck Tue 14-Jul-09 00:06:55

K850plus,not sure if I can offer any helpful advice, but It took a lot of reading through my posts and replies on MN and soul searching for me to seperate from dh two and a half months ago.

I still wonder if Iam doing the right thing, but know deep down Iam already happier ( I have young children which I feel is my main reason for being unsure), so Iam sticking to my plan and rejecting any advances from h to get back together.
Its great you have support from family and friends and Iam sure they will keep giving you all the support you need as will Mn to make the right decision.

HolyGuacamole Wed 15-Jul-09 17:21:19

Good on you mpuddleduck, good to hear you are still staying strong and getting on with things. Great news.

k850plus Wed 15-Jul-09 22:21:30

mpuddleduck - many thanks for the encouragement and sharing your own situation, and I am pleased for you that it has been the right move.

I know that part of my fear/reluctance is down to the kids. It seems so selfish of me to disrupt their lives because I don't want to be here any longer. But having said that I am quite convinced that some of the more unpleasant traits that our son is showing are down to how he sees his father behaving. He is not an out and out troublesome teen - but can be extremely disrespectful and foul mouthed towards me. So on the one hand I feel guilty about denying kids/hubby family life, but equally guilty for allowing this set up to go on for so long resulting in son becoming more like his father!

It's a nightmare - but I am inching further forward. I am incredible slow at getting there but do feel that I will eventually.

What I don't seem to be able to do is tackle the matter by starting a conversation about it whilst all is calm at home - I only ever say my bit and state my feelings/thoughts/intentions when we are mid flow in an argument - hence I am sure he doesn't really take me seriously.

Thanks again to all for encouragement and support.

mpuddleduck Wed 15-Jul-09 23:00:28

k850plus, I know exactly how you feel, although I managed to tell my H that I needed some space, Iam really struggling with taking it any further. I haven't talked to him about maintenance or anything else that might make the situation more permanent.

We are visiting nearby where he is living this week, so he can see the children, and he suggested today going out for a meal tommorrow without the children (would be the first time in 15 years), I think he still thinks we can get back together.sad

One of my sons is only 6 and is very male chauvenist when he is around his dad.

Here's hoping we both feel strong enough to be assertive soon.

queenofdenial2009 Thu 16-Jul-09 12:19:25

I've said I wanted to leave before as well, but in the heat of the argument. I know he doesn't take it seriously but has still puts the full guilt trip on me afterwards.

However, I know now the time has come so I'm making sure I get it right this time. I'm planning things and talking to friends and Women's Aid. Your husband sounds like my partner, that is emotionally abusive. If you don't see him in this light, I would have a look at some of the other threads on Mumsnet in the last month or two; they might give you some of the motivation you need.

Even when things are going 'well', you know that they're going to get bad again at some time and it means you can never really relax and get ground down. The effect it's having on my DD (4) is what's driving me at the the moment.

k850plus Thu 16-Jul-09 23:07:08

What are we like??? Those words emotionally abusive are not nice are they? You just don't want to admit that you fell in love with/married and had kids with someone who is like that do you, well I know I don't. It makes me feel as if I must be such a bad judge of character - but then he wasn't like that back then, well I certainly didn't see it.

I know what you mean about other threads - it's pretty frightening to think there are so many of us, there is some comfort in the knowledge that I am not alone though.

Whenever I suggest that the way he has treated me is the reason why I no longer want to be with him he turns it round and says that he wouldn't have behaved like he did if i hand't gone off sex!! Same old story, toddler and baby, doing everything myself, childcare day and night 7 days a week), housework etc etc with virtually no help from him - of course I was too bloody tired. Along comes some tart at work who fancies him, he says he can get sex elsewhere, I say go on then so off he goes. Well he didn't leave, just carried on with her whilst still living at home! Muggins here didn't want to be a single Mum etc etc so let him carry on - oh my god the shame of it. How could I have agreed to such an arrangement. Hence I feel that I am partly to blame at least for the life we have had since. I let him get away with it so why am I complaining now, so far down the line. Trouble is it has festered and festered, and now I resent him beyond words, have little or no respect for him and certainly don't trust him. But would of course be extremely grateful if someone else should come along and take him off my hands. But no - that's not gonna happen just cause i want it to now!

What a fool I have been - he obviously thinks it's acceptable to treat me like shit, has got away with it for years so why should now be any different. You can see where he is coming from to a degree can't you?

mpuddleduck - be careful, stay strong and true to what you want now you have got this far! Don't let the B....... grind you down.

queenofdenial2009 (love that name) thanks for your thoughts. good luck with your plans. wish I had put the kids first a long time ago.

queenofdenial2009 Fri 17-Jul-09 13:59:22

Don't be ashamed about him having an affair. That was his choice, he is responsible for his behaviour.

And no, I can't see where he's coming from because I can't empathise with his worldview that women are there to provide sex and run the home. It sounds like he's got you agreeing with him and has done such an effective job on you over the years that you're not able to see it. Don't worry, I know what it's like.

But IME when it's gone, it's gone. We're sleeping in seperate rooms and it's driving my partner nuts - he's just brought it up again and of course it's my fault, I'm unreasonable and have unrealistic expectations. But it washes over me now and I use the energy I would previously have wasted on feeling guilty and crap on planning my future life.

Have you heard of www.freedomprogramme.co.uk? It's a 10 week programme run around the country and it's been recommended to me (I can't get to it at the moment) or you can buy Pat Craven's book 'Living with the Dominator' for £5 online. Definitely worth it - it's helped me see some obvious things that I hadn't realised.

k850plus Mon 20-Jul-09 22:19:15

Hi QOD - thanks for your post. Haven't had any peace and quiet to check out the website you suggest but will do so shortly, will also try and get my hands on that book, feel like I really need to get some strength from somewhere.

Another week has passed and no progress here - currently hubby seems to be being relatively well behaved!!! He usually is once we have had a row and I have actually said I don't want to under the same roof as him. Don't think he takes me seriously but it seems to bring him to his sences a bit.

Sister has put her name down on my behalf at local estate agents for rental properties but it's not looking promising for the particular area I want to be in. I am being fussy about where I want cause of the kids schooling/social life!! want to give them something back as it were for breaking up the family.

Really really need to sit down and actually start a conversation about all this and front it out with him - no bottle though. Keep reminding myself about what has happened in the past and how I have got to this point, but still no bottle. Still so damn cross with myself - thought very carefully about my moods/emotions over the weekend. Confirmed what I knew really - whenever he is around I am a very unpleasant person, very dismissive of anything he says and unsupportive. Actually quite a cow in my opinion - I am really not that kind of person, only with him!!!!

More drama over cars - his beloved day car has serious engine problems likely to costs us a grand or so!!! Wants me to investigate a bank loan, incorporate paying off overdraft with money to repair car - yeh right. My suggestion to sell beloved other car to raise the funds met with a burst of anger and him declaring that he knew I would say that, that I would just love to take away from him the only thing that gives him pleasure!!!! So that's a no then?

Need to check out that website and order that book - so won't bore anyone any longer.

Thanks again to all for support - I find it very theraputic to put my thoughts and feelings down in print, so not prob if no-one posts.

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