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Just need someone to talk to

(17 Posts)
LateShift Sun 12-Jul-09 23:13:21

I have been going through a bad time lately. Feeling low, depressed, tearful, exhausted, finding it difficult to cope with life in general (I suspect I may possibly have PND). I have been married for 2 and a half years and we have a gorgeous 18 month old son. Things have come to a head tonight, finally got it all out in the open. The upshot of it is that my husband said we have nothing in common & implied he wished he had never married me. I love him but feel that he has let me down big time. He ruined my pregnancy by telling me that he didn't want our baby, in his words having a "shitty baby around the house". I spent the latter half of my pregnancy crapping myself with fear that he would reject the baby and me. Of course that didn't turn out to be the case, he loves our son and is very proud of him. I know he wishes I weren't his son's mother though.

He is a cold fish. He displays no affection for his own family and has made no effort with mine, to the extent that my family feel unable to get along with him and won't come to stay when he is around.

I think he despises me for my emotional weakness. He is totally lacking in empathy.

If I leave I think my life will go to pieces. We are tangled up in a lot of debt, mostly of my own making. I tried to discuss ways forward tonight - I think while our son is small I need him to support us financially and emotionally. I've said that I will seek help from the doctor. I will get my career back on track when our son is a little bit older. He was very dismissive of this "so you think a few happy pills, an MA and a better job is going to solve all our problems then".

I just said that I wanted to talk to the Samaritans and he said that was weak and pathetic. Maybe I am! I keep doing and saying ridiculous things because I don't know how to solve this and I just keep digging a deeper hole for myself. I just need to run this all by someone to try and get a better perspective on things.

My family are 300 miles away. I've wished so often I could talk to my mum but she has health problems and it would be too much for her to deal with. If I confide in a friend I will have to expose all this private stuff that's been going on. I feel so alone.

I want to do what's best for our son. I'm terrified of damaging him. He's the best thing in my world right now. But I am at a total loss and very scared for the future.

purpleduck Sun 12-Jul-09 23:20:26

Wow - that's a whole lotta sadness you have there. I'm sorry you are going through this sad.

Do YOU still love your dh?

Never mind what he thinks of talking to someone/ counselling - maybe you can go for yourself?

Many people have a hard time getting used to life with a baby - it is one of life's biggest changes. But the fact that you really felt he would abandon you and your baby maybe points to bigger trust issues.

Your dh doesn't sound caring or supportive. Maybe your first step could be finding someone to talk to - a friend or Samaritans etc.

mrsboogie Sun 12-Jul-09 23:29:29

OK, so, firstly why has he gone from wanting to marry you to apparently wishing he hadn't in 2 yrs? You haven't said what HE seems to think the problem is.

Has he ever been nice, considerate ,caring, empathic towards you?

did you ever discuss having children before you got married?

LateShift Sun 12-Jul-09 23:36:18

I do still love him.

I know that a lot of it is my behaviour that has turned him off. I'm not trying to blame it all on him by any means.

I feel terrible about the whole kids issue too, as it was something that was tacitly agreed and not discussed properly. But he never claimed to be against it.

HolyGuacamole Sun 12-Jul-09 23:47:09

Aw, sorry you are going thru this, you really don't deserve it. I think you need to get the courage to confide in a friend that you can trust and also give the doctor a visit. You need to look after yourself and sort yourself out so that you can have the strength to deal with the issues surrounding your DH.

You really must put yourself first.

LateShift Sun 12-Jul-09 23:54:58

Thanks. Am steeling myself to call in sick and get in to see the docs in the morning.

HolyGuacamole Mon 13-Jul-09 00:03:44

Good for you. If you start to take steps in the right direction, you will see things clearer and be able to focus better on what it is you need to do, to be happy. One step at a time.

On reading your post again, your DH doesn't sound like a nice person at all - just realise that you do not deserve to be treated badly by anyone, least of all someone you are married to.

Has he always spoken to you like that?

LateShift Mon 13-Jul-09 00:14:13

Generally hs is quite civil but I kind of feel you just have scratch the surface and there is something not very nice underneath (but it's not like he's physically cruel or anything!). I have severely tested his nature though - I go on and on at him to try and open up emotionally and the more I wept and wailed the more he cuts me off! Think I'm not very emotionally intelligent either!

I said tonight were you not happy before all this & he said "reasonably happy". He said he wants someone more "confident and self assured" than me. Now I feel like he just settled for me for the sake of it.

Am devastated at the though of yet another failure in my life. My son is one thing I can't afford to fail at though, and that weighs very heavily with me.

HolyGuacamole Mon 13-Jul-09 00:30:16

Know something - you won't fail your son and do you know why? Whilst your DH is happy to point out your failings and his reasons for not being happy, you are actually the one who is trying to help yourself - by trying to talk to him, talking about counselling, looking toward the future, your job. Whilst you mention possible solutions, he discards them with throwaway comments that pick away at you. At least you are the one who is trying very hard to do something to make things different.

You won't fail your son, honestly. Be proud of yourself and be proud of the little life that you have created smile

blinks Mon 13-Jul-09 00:47:47

put the future of your relationship to one side just now and get well. when you feel stronger tell him what you NEED and if he can't or won't fulfill your needs, take it from there.

i would personally say though that compassion is a basic requirement for a successful relationship.

LateShift Mon 13-Jul-09 11:38:46

Thank you people. You are right of course, I need to get better before I can deal with DH. Just been to docs. Relieved I have a diagnosis of PND at last. I have been prescribed citalopram and referral to psych nurse. Guess I should be on the mental health thread now Bit scared though as gonna feel worse for next couple of weeks before I start feeling better and i don't think I have support of DH to get me through it. Am going to bite the bullet and tell mum & close friends a little, re the PND, not yet re DH issues. Thanks again.

whatanothernamechange Mon 13-Jul-09 11:45:51

Bump!
He sounds awful!
I don't think you should blame yourself!

"but it's not like he's physically cruel or anything!". Emotional cruelty is far more damaging than physical cruelty, especially because it doesn't show, so it's harder to point at someone and say "you've done this to me"

"He said he wants someone more "confident and self assured" than me. Now I feel like he just settled for me for the sake of it."
WTF!!! Hello?? He wants someone more confident and self assured? My H used to make comments like that, and they would cut me to the quick. He'd say "you'd better treat me well, or else". You so don't need that, you are important and you matter.
Lookhere and also this one
I have found both really helpful because before I felt like I was stumbling around in a fog.

whatanothernamechange Mon 13-Jul-09 11:46:28

And bump again

LateShift Mon 13-Jul-09 11:53:37

Yes, even the doctor (who was lovely thank God) just said she thougt he sounded like he was being cruel. However, I think I need to just stop focusing on it for now and concentrate on gettin my head better, and finding people to help and confide in. However I do not think he is as extreme as that thread. I have pushed him and pushed him, and done and said some terrible things too.

JuJusDad Mon 13-Jul-09 12:10:58

I've just been started on citalopram - felt bit weird first day, nothing very strong, just little bit weird. Weirdness is tailing off already, and also I can already feel that emotionally and mentally things are easier. I say that to forwarn and to reassure you that things will get better.

You don't mention counselling. If you can't get any for free via GP, Homestart, or Women's Aid, then try MIND - they set me up with weekly 1 hour sessions with no set end point - a big bonus since many free places limit the number of sessions.

And as others have said, domestic violence doesn't need to be physical to be happening and damaging.

You don't say what your housing situation is: joint / sole mortgage / renting. I suggest you get in touch with your local council, although you may be able to get a better result by going via women's aid.

Regarding debts. Speak to Citizens Advice / Welfare Rights. Unless it's a mortgage or a utility and has your name on it, don't worry about it. For now, at least. Plenty time to deal with that later, if necessary.

The more info and the more help you get, even though you'll have to talk about your situation, the better you'll feel as information = power.

HolyGuacamole Mon 13-Jul-09 12:47:08

Good for you lateshift! Already you sound more positive! Your doctor sounds very good and am glad you have been given a diagnosis and some medicine. Things will start to feel better soon and even thru this fog, you sound like your head is screwed on the right way smile

Just remember you are doing this for you and for your son. DH will look after himself and later, when you feel ready, you can start to look at how you are going to deal with the marriage. One step at a time and don't be trying to conquer the world......well not just yet anyways wink

Best wishes and keep posting.

LateShift Wed 15-Jul-09 14:15:28

OK day 3 on citalopram and the side effects are horrible. Feeling more anxious about the medication than anything else at the moment, and how I am going to cope tomorrow and Friday with DS at home. DH is being OK. I have sent him a list of how he can help that I found, i.e. encouraging me not to drink alcohol, not telling me to pull myself together etc. He will be away from the weekend as he is driving across Europe ahead of me flying out to our holiday. I will have a friend and her kids to accompany me & DS on our journey but will be alone next week for 6 days. None of this can really be un-arranged but it's a scary prospect.

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