I have been going through a bad time lately. Feeling low, depressed, tearful, exhausted, finding it difficult to cope with life in general (I suspect I may possibly have PND). I have been married for 2 and a half years and we have a gorgeous 18 month old son. Things have come to a head tonight, finally got it all out in the open. The upshot of it is that my husband said we have nothing in common & implied he wished he had never married me. I love him but feel that he has let me down big time. He ruined my pregnancy by telling me that he didn't want our baby, in his words having a "shitty baby around the house". I spent the latter half of my pregnancy crapping myself with fear that he would reject the baby and me. Of course that didn't turn out to be the case, he loves our son and is very proud of him. I know he wishes I weren't his son's mother though.
He is a cold fish. He displays no affection for his own family and has made no effort with mine, to the extent that my family feel unable to get along with him and won't come to stay when he is around.
I think he despises me for my emotional weakness. He is totally lacking in empathy.
If I leave I think my life will go to pieces. We are tangled up in a lot of debt, mostly of my own making. I tried to discuss ways forward tonight - I think while our son is small I need him to support us financially and emotionally. I've said that I will seek help from the doctor. I will get my career back on track when our son is a little bit older. He was very dismissive of this "so you think a few happy pills, an MA and a better job is going to solve all our problems then".
I just said that I wanted to talk to the Samaritans and he said that was weak and pathetic. Maybe I am! I keep doing and saying ridiculous things because I don't know how to solve this and I just keep digging a deeper hole for myself. I just need to run this all by someone to try and get a better perspective on things.
My family are 300 miles away. I've wished so often I could talk to my mum but she has health problems and it would be too much for her to deal with. If I confide in a friend I will have to expose all this private stuff that's been going on. I feel so alone.
I want to do what's best for our son. I'm terrified of damaging him. He's the best thing in my world right now. But I am at a total loss and very scared for the future.
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Just need someone to talk to
16 replies
LateShift · 12/07/2009 23:13
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