Convinced every row will be our last; not knowing how to deal with disagreements

[worried27]

Hiya,

In a post a while back, someone said that every time they rowed with their DP they would catastrophise it and think it would be their last, and that this was a result of having a passive-aggressive mother... They didn't explain more but it really got me thinking.

I do this, I worry to death about rows or disagreements with thoughts like "he's had enough now and will dump me" etc. On Friday night I had a tiff with DP, he didn't want to talk about it because 'it'll pass and things will be fine', me on the other hand spent the whole night agonising that the the end was nigh.

Of course it wasn't and woke up the next day, things were fine, as was the rest of the weekend. Talking about it with him he said just cos you row with someone doesn't mean you don't like them or don't want to be with them. But I seem to have difficulty making myself believe this.

I know I'm not explaining myself very well but does anyone else have difficulty with this issue?

[skihorse]

I understand 100% where you're coming from as I've dealt with this issue in therapy. It doesn't bother me anymore, I know we can argue and he won't be packing his bags or leaving me. I think my shift in perception has come by way of my increased self-confidence - to the point that I don't give two hoots whether he "approves" of my opinion or not. I used to be scared to say the wrong thing or go against the view of my partner. Not any more.

Don't worry - there will be lots of us who know where you're coming from but it sounds like you're on to a winner with this chap because he's articulated the situation perfectly!

[worried27]

The thing is that the worry etc really affects me (feel sick, nervous etc, I'm sure you can imagine). He of course is oblivious to what is going on in my head.

I just wish I knew where this came from and WHY after bickering etc I get this feeling that 'oh god he hates me now, I've messed it up, it's all over'.

Another example he could just be tired or in a bit of a grump, maybe he is busy and doesn't reply to a text, immediately I'm convinced he's grumpy because of something I'VE said or done, that he's not replying because he's p'd off with me.

And then there is the worry that the more I think these thoughts the more they might come to be a self-fulfilling prophecy?

skihorse, can I ask, what kind of therapy did you have to get to the bottom of this? thanks for your reply

[deste]

Do you think you would feel the same if you were married?

[skihorse]

worried27 I had something called Schema Therapy which took about 4 years but this obviously was not my sole issue!

My only real practical advice would be that you tell him asap that you have these fears.

The first time my OH and I had a huge barney I had tears streaming down my face because I thought I'd blown it. He told me afterwards that he'd giggled at first - then he'd realised I was for real and he was shocked at how upset I was and how clearly I felt that he was going to do a runner. He then got very fast in telling me that he wasn't going to walk out on me but he was pissed off with me. I always know where I stand.

[worried27]

deste I have never thought about that... I don't think it would be so bad I think... who can say though!

skihorse I don't want to admit to him I think like this, I just want to understand why I am doing it firstly (and see if anyone else recognises the feeling), then find a way to stop doing it

[ilikeshoes]

I feel exactly like this in my current relationship, i did'nt in my previous one i was quite the opposite and really self asured that he would'nt dump me, then he left me for someone else, and i think thats perhaps why i'm like it in this one, i totally feel for you its so fustrating is'nt it?, i really do try not to analise things but really dont know how.(smile)

[ilikeshoes]

sorry

[worried27]

It is frustrating. I am thinking of asking the doc to refer me to someone but how would I start to explain it??

[3kidz]

hi i am like that exactly as you have described and i don't know why i was never like it with my ex perhaps cos i would have loved him to go cos he was an arse but thats another story i have been like you have described this weekend after things haven't been right between us for about a week or two he is very much a brush it under the carpet type of person or he will give me the silent treatment where as i am the lets sort it out even argue if needs be get it out in the open and move on type of person. While he is brushing it under the carpet i am worrying he is going to leave i get anxious all sorts.

I wish i knew why too.

sarah.x

[ilikeshoes]

I think perhaps its about confidence in your self, i really think you should try and discuss it with your fella surely he will be flatterd that your scared of loosing him, and then perhaps he could try to reasure you more.xx

[worried27]

The problem is then I don't want to come across as needy/needing reassurance etc. It's my problem, just thinking the worst every time we have a row, and so I think it should be me that tries to find a solution to stop doing it?

[ABetaDad]

My only advice is to never go to bed on an arguement. Even if it takes until 2 a.m to sort it out. I absolutely forbid it. It is the only thing I really put my foot down about with DW.

[Greensleeves]

God that would piss me off ABetaDad

When I need to sleep I need to sleep, I can't be staying up till 2am having drawn-out heart-to-heart sessions with dh when the kids have to go to school in the morning

and I'd be fucked if I'd let somebody else forbid me to go to bed until things were resolved to his satisfation

Sometimes it's more mature and respectful to let somebody have the time and space they need rather than forcing the issue there and then like a panicking child

[skihorse]

worried27 No, it is absolutely NOT your problem! Everyone on this earth deserves reassurance. Would you tell your kids to cry themselves to sleep? Of course not! Would you tell your best friend to "chin up and shut up" if she's just been dumped? No way!

It is absolutely 100% OK for you to need reassurance.

Did you know that there was a scientific study carried out last year which PROVED that the more someone (usually a woman) was reassured - the less she needed it. This is logical really, the more you're told you're wonderful, the more you believe it, the less you need your partner to say it.

Please don't apologise for wanting to hear the words "you're fabulous"!