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I really, really dislike my husband - sorry - very, very, long!

(12 Posts)
EternalSmugnessOTSpotlessLife Sun 12-Jul-09 15:38:42

Namechanging regular.

I've been fighting this feeling for a long time, but it's getting to the point that I can't ignore it anymore.

I just don't like my husband. Today I feel like I actually hate him.

He's not a bad person. He's not abusive. Apparently he loves me. He works hard to earn a living for us. DD adores him.

I am 38. When I made the decision to get married, it was for life.

We never had the most easy relationship. He's very brusque and moody and quite intense. He comes from a pretty disfunctional background with an alcoholic dad and a mum who has the same kind of personality as him. Just before we got together a family member that he was incredibly close to killed herself. It was an awful time for him, and I put a lot of the way he behaves (moody, sulky, angry a lot of the time) down to this.

I'm not particularly easy to live with either. I have OCD (managed with medication right now) so suffer with anxiety quite a bit.

Our sex-life, quite frankly, is shit. It was quite good when we got together, but fizzled out pretty quickly. He has quite a low sex drive. Even before we got married, I would find that I'd make a move on him and get turned down pretty frequently. I thought it was because I had put on weight, and he hinted this was the case, but a couple of times I have lost the weight and he still has no interest. We went on honeymoon and he showed no interest in sex then either. I had bought sexy underwear and one night put it on and he laughed at me. He says now it was because he was embarrassed. We had sex once on honeymoon - first thing in the morning when I was half asleep. I think he was up for it then because due to me being half asleep he didn't have to engage with me emotionally.

It's amazing we've got a child at all. We went for sex therapy for a while. Our sex therapist banned us from having sex for a while, and suddenly he was up for it. Part of me thinks this is because he likes to kick against authority and doesn't like being told what to do. This is why DD was conceived.

Since I got pregnant with DD (who is nearly 3), I could probably count the amount of times we have had sex on one hand. First of all, he wasn't up for it. Me being pregnant wasn't attractive apparently. Then I had DD and he still wasn't up for it (was perfectly happy to look at porn on the internet however - I kept getting pop-ups of dating websites whenever I logged on).

I lost all my pregnancy weight and he still wasn't interested. Eventually (I think for the preservation of my own feelings and self-esteem), I lost interest in him. Funnily enough, suddenly he was interested.

It sort of yo-yos between us like that now. It is pretty fucked up

Right now, I have developed a pattern of compulsive comfort-eating and am piling on weight. Partly because I feel depressed and unloved by my husband. Partly because I don't actually want him to find me attractive

He is a very angry, intense person. His chief interests are politics and death I think. He is a recovering alcoholic (has been for long before I met him), so addiction features pretty highly in conversation also.

Sometimes he can be really nice and caring, but usually he is just so brusque and so rude. He is incapable of using the words "please", "thank you" or "sorry".

He can be pretty impatient with DD too. Sometimes because she is making too much noise when playing hmm That said, they adore one another and generally have a pretty good relationship.

I am just so sick of getting barked at, snapped at, ranted at. Him being moody. The fact that he'd rather play computer games than spend time with me and DD. Apparently spending time with us is just too much for him on top of his job. Do I want him to burn out, lose his job, become bankrupt and for us to lose the house? (actual real scenario that he paints...)

If I wasn't married with a mortgage and DD to think about, there is no way on earth I would still be in this relationship. However, I am married with a mortgage and DD to think about. The marriage is fucked up, but I don't think abusive, so I don't see a justification to end it right now.

In terms of our lifestyle at the moment, he works full time. I am a SAHM with a small business that is currently not making any money. DD is going to preschool for a couple of days from September so I'm hoping to try bringing in a bit of money from then. Money is a worry in our house, but we both wanted me to be a SAHM.

I am desperate to have another child and at 38 don't have much time left for this to happen, but obviously things are not right for this to happen.

Today I said something pretty awful to him. He reduced me to tears because he ranted at me in response to me asking him a simple question (he thinks I was being condescending - but honestly, I was just asking something that I didn't know the answer to). We haven't spoken all day (childish I know) because I'm not prepared to be spoken to like that, and he won't apologise. I pointed out to him that maybe the reason he isn't successful in all the job interviews he's going to at the moment to get a better job is because people don't like his manner, and he needs to look at the way he comes across to other people, because frankly, he's not a very nice person.

I'm quite horrified I said this to him. It is something I've been privately thinking for a while, but would never have said it before. I'm also pretty horrified that I can't take back what I've said, (well, only if I lie), because I actually believe it.

He has gone to a friend's party taking DD. He left straight after I said this to him. Don't know what's going to happen now, reckon we'll be giving each other the silent treatment.

I don't know what to do. I can't go on like this

Thanks if you've read this far. I've got to nip to the shops before they close, so if I vanish from the thread for a while, that is why.

Tiredmumno1 Sun 12-Jul-09 15:44:56

Aww bless ya <hugs> dont beat urself up about it hun

Lizzylou Sun 12-Jul-09 15:50:10

Goodness, what a situation, poor you.
Do you think that the relationship can be saved?
What would he need to do to fix things?
I think the fact that you feel bad about saying what you did is a good sign, you obviously care that you may have hurt his feelings.
Do you ever talk about your sex life/ how he speaks with you/what you want from the relationship?

skidoodle Sun 12-Jul-09 15:51:26

Have you been to marriage counselling? Would you go?

You say that he isn't a very nice person but there must have been things that made you fall in love with him. What were they? What has happened to them?

EternalSmugnessOTSpotlessLife Sun 12-Jul-09 17:08:51

Thanks for your replies. I was expecting to get flamed because I feel like such a bitch.

We have both spoken about how we feel about our relationship. Well, saying that, I'll say how I feel about the relationship. He will talk about himself.

Things were actually starting to improve earlier in the year. We started writing letters to one another and that was helping. We were becoming more respectful of one another etc.

This all ended when we had a row (my fault that one - sparked by my OCD). I wrote him an email telling him how I felt. He wrote an email back, which contained a bit saying that if I was going to accuse him of being a martyr, I could leave and "pay my own way in the world". I felt like I had been smacked in the face to be honest. I couldn't bring myself to write anything to him after that. I didn't discuss it. Tried not to think about it.

Eventually I cracked a couple of months ago and told him how much it had upset me, but he said that he hadn't "meant it that way".

The thing is, finances are a problem. Our spend right now is higher than DH's wage. He reckons we'll be OK as long as I start bringing in at least £50 a week by Christmas, which I think I can do because once DD is in preschool a couple of days I'll hopefully be able to find something.

However, it summed up for me that despite what he says, I don't think he values what I do at home. I'm not a perfect housewife. I'm pretty messy and disorganised. However, my feeling is that my main job is to look after DD, not to be constantly cleaning the house.

BTW, I still wash up, do our laundry, cook a nutritious meal every night, hoover, clean the loos etc, but our house is generally pretty untidy. As far as I can see, H's idea of looking after DD is playing on his computer game while she watches Ceebeebies, so I can see how he may think that parenting is easy.

I would consider marriage counselling. Like I said before, we had sex therapy in the past. Also, both of us are veterans of individual therapy!! The reason we have't done it up to now is (1) we are skint, (2) we don't have anyone to babysit DD, and she tends to go to bed pretty late (9pm).

What can he do to fix things? I don't know. Stop talking to me like I'm a piece of shit I guess. Lighten up and have a topic of conversation that isn't depressing. Take a real interest in me and DD. Get a bit of humility and stop being so sanctimonious. Also, start realising that we are in fact a partnership, which means he can't always please himself.

The main thing though is, I want to feel cherished. I want to feel attractive. I want to feel like he'd like to spend time with me and DD rather than feel like we're just housemates. I'd like him to be genuinely interested in what I have to say about things in the way that I am about him when he talks about his work/feelings/life etc. I want him to suggest us doing something nice together when DD is in bed. I want him to notice and compliment me when I have made an effort with myself/the house etc. I want to be able to have a laugh with him and have fun together.

I fell in love with him, partly because I mistook his terseness and rudeness for integrity hmm. Also, he had something that he did in his free time that he was very good at, which tied in with things that I was interested in. It's something he's since given up. Another thing, which I'm only just starting to admit to myself - I had gone out with a friend of his briefly a few months before and I was still in love with said friend. I did lots of soul searching before I got together with H to make sure I wasn't on the rebound, and I convinced myself that I wasn't, but now I'm not so sure

Oh bloody hell - another long post blush

skidoodle Sun 12-Jul-09 17:43:19

You're not a bitch, you're just unhappy and trying to find a way through it. Nobody would flame you for that.

Speaking of being a bitch though: do you think you are horrible to him? Might he be thinking "well I loved that she was so perfect, but now I realise that she is just really critical of other people and hard to please."? (not saying you are btw, just wondering how you might not have lived up to expectations iyswim).

Does he have integrity? Even if he is a sanctimonious git?

It sounds like money is a real worry (as it is for many of us at the moment) and that you take it personally if he is worried about it. Any truth to that? He can value what you do an still be anxious about living beyond your means. Why do you think he is critical of your role and thinks you have it easy?

When you talk about all the things you want, for most of them you specify that you want them with him. Despite not liking him, do you love him enough to be happy if things could get back on track? It sounds like it.

Noooie Sun 12-Jul-09 20:10:53

gosh you poor thing, I have to say I am gobsmacked that you let him get away with all that shit. Is there anywhere you can go for a couple of weeks with your daughter to give him a chance to appreciate you??? Parents/friends???

You sound a bit like you are resigned to it all and sometimes not saying anything to him straight away when he is horrible means he thinks it is OK to speak to you like that.
If my husband spoke to me in such a way he would be out the door in a flash. Good Lord, really why do you let him? If you keep it all pent up you will either explode one day or feel like this forever, you really need to communicate more. Maybe clearing out for a couple of weeks will encourage him to be more open? Either way I really feel for you even if I can't understand why you let him do it in the first place. Hope you can sort something out so that you can feel better. Whatever you do, life is far too short to stay with someone who makes you SO unhappy.

Hassled Sun 12-Jul-09 20:18:43

You seem to feel that you can't possibly leave because he's not abusive. People split up for all sorts of reasons - abuse is only one of them.

You don't love him, you don't even like him, you don't want to have sex with him, you sound desperately unhappy - but there are always alternatives. It may not be practicable just now, but look to the long-term - what are your escape plan options? If you got a job, how much could you save? Would you have any family/friends support? And most importantly, can you imagine reaching a happy old age with this man?

EternalSmugnessOTSpotlessLife Sun 12-Jul-09 20:48:06

Thanks

Sorry, had to log off for a while because he came back with DD and I don't really want him to know that I'm posting our private life on mumsnet!

No apology - just "so, are we going to keep being moody then?" Honestly, it's the sort of thing he would say to our DD

I don't think he appreciates what I do because I always get that huffy tidying away thing when he gets home. I sometimes find myself feeling edgy if DD has chucked all her toys around the living room and I don't have time to tidy them away before he gets home. He won't have a go at me - there'll just be this "atmosphere" and this aura of resentment all around him, which he'll eventually "let go".

I don't think going away with DD would make him appreciate me.

He went away for just over a week recently and I really enjoyed him not being here.

Another tale hangs on that one. He made a big point about needing to go on retreat on the other side of the country. In the letters we wrote to each other, he said part of the reason he was so on edge all the time is he desparately needed to go on retreat - he hadn't been since just before DD was conceived.

He had taken it upon himself several months before to look into going on retreat, mentioning it to me as if it wouldn't be a problem. At the time I expressed dissatisfaction because I felt he didn't spend enough time with me and DD as it was.

This time I gave my blessing because he said how much he needed it and promised more effort with me and DD in the rest of his free time. I thought it would be for a long weekend. He booked 10 days - booking over one of my once a fortnight evening activities which is my one opportunity to go out and feel like a grown up. I bit my tongue because going on retreat was so important to him.

Anyhoo - he goes off in the morning. That evening I get a call from his mate's house up north. It is on the way to the retreat, but not actually on retreat. (side note, we've had a couple of friends die recently, and said mate has recently had an operation, as has my H's mum up north). H told me that he has become paranoid about death (he knows a lot of people who have died) and wanted to see his mate and his mum. He might go on to retreat, but he might not. He'd probably just stay a few days up north instead.

He spent the week at his mates, visiting some other mates. He didn't in fact go and see his mum.

He can't understand why I'm pissed off.

I'm so confused. He says he's "in love with me", but nothing in his behaviour shows this.

I really, honestly don't know how I feel about him. I want it to work though. I didn't make vows for it to fall apart so easily

EternalSmugnessOTSpotlessLife Sun 12-Jul-09 20:51:42

Hassled - no, I honestly can't imagine the happy old age thing - though I wish I could. I keep telling myself we're just going through a bad patch and things will get better.

I can't contemplate leaving. Not unless I win the lottery tomorrow! I want it to work. I want a stable home for my DD with both her mummy and daddy there. I want her to have a brother or a sister.

I don't have any money. I don't have a career of any sorts. I have mental health issues.

It's not like H and I argue all the time. We usually rub together fine, sort of like housemates. Just now and again he'll have one of his rants at me and I get so angry and depressed.

Hassled Sun 12-Jul-09 21:15:03

Ah, but you can contemplate leaving him, can't you, because you immedietely qualified it with "not unless I win the lottery". There is a benefits system that (sometimes) works, if you have equity in your house then part of that will be yours, you will be entitled to maintenance - there are always options.

I'm not usually one to shout "leave him", because I know life is never that simple, and having left my first husband I know (while it was the right thing to do) how bloody hard it is being on your own. I just want you to realise that there are always options, and sometimes that helps you look at things more rationally - in a "right, I'll try X and work on Y, if it doesn't work then there's always Z" sort of way. Good luck with it all .

skidoodle Sun 12-Jul-09 21:20:30

This is not falling apart easily. This is falling apart slowly and agonisingly.

If you want it to work you are both going to have to do things to make things better. I think counselling would help you, at the very least, establish whether it is even possible.

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