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I was unfaithful last night.........

(111 Posts)
mammablueeyes Sat 11-Jul-09 18:28:37

Please if all you are going to do is fire abuse at me, don't post at all.
I am feeling really messed up and guilty but at the same time ...........not as guilty as I shouldhmm?

tullytwo Sat 11-Jul-09 18:29:46

What and how did it happen?

mammablueeyes Sat 11-Jul-09 18:33:27

I should have prevented it, I have done up until now but last night I almost felt like.......lets just get it out of our system and maybe that will be it. Never been unfaithful to my hubby before but this has been budiling up for a couple of months

HappyWoman Sat 11-Jul-09 18:33:39

The only thing i would say is dont try and control anyone elses life with lies.

If you dont feel guilty then maybe you dont really value your relationship as much as you thought.

You now have the chance to do the decent thing and fess up and let your partner start the grieving process for themselves.

amidaiwish Sat 11-Jul-09 18:35:16

so fast forward 6 months from now, ask yourself who do you want to be with and why?

mammablueeyes Sat 11-Jul-09 18:40:33

I now that answer to that......my husband! I love him and respect him , he is a wonderful husband and partner. I just met somebody through my training and within weeks of starting (we have now been on the course a year)there was a spark there and I just supressed it because Im married and he was engaged, then his relationship fell apart and we spemt more time together 'as a group' and after a while, I was supporting him through the break up and he started telling me he loved me and we agreed that nothing would happen leave it as a unexpected spark and remain friends but last night that control went we ended up sleeping together

amidaiwish Sat 11-Jul-09 18:43:29

well i would put it down to experience and never mention it ever ever again.

mammablueeyes Sat 11-Jul-09 18:44:03

SHIT!!!!!!!!!sad

salbysea Sat 11-Jul-09 18:45:15

my thoughts are that what happened last night is more serious than say a shag picked up in a bar as there was in emotional element there too - a relationship of sorts rather than just a shag. Personally I would find that harder to find out about if it was my partner

mammablueeyes Sat 11-Jul-09 18:45:32

well yes I thnk that is the best thing to do but we still have to see eachother, quite alot and for another 2 years! I hope he meets somebody and although it will feel strange I will be happy for him and the option is gone. Just cant believe I slept with someone else

girlsyearapart Sat 11-Jul-09 18:46:11

If you're planning on staying with your dh don't tell anyone about your infidelity. A ggod friend of mine slept with another man behind her boyfriend's back. Now they are married and I feel awful whenever i see her dh that i know and he doesn't. Better not to involve others. Hope you resolve it all soon.

mammablueeyes Sat 11-Jul-09 18:50:04

dont intend to tell anyone! thats why Im talking about it on here because I just need to talk. My husband is away for weekend and I am here alone feeling VERY strange, been with him 8 years

amidaiwish Sat 11-Jul-09 18:52:21

look, these things happen. they shouldn't but they do. just write it off and forget about it and NEVER mention it ever ever again. if you decide to tell your dh then make sure you're doing it for the right reasons, not because "he has a right to know" but because you're trying to alleviate yourself from the guilt. It will do nothing but destroy him. It might be worth really thinking about why you did this - boredom, frustration?

mammablueeyes Sat 11-Jul-09 18:56:17

I did it because I met someone who makes me feel young and attractive and who I am attracted to. He is 5 years younger and very handsome and very gorgeous person, were spending a lot of stressful times together and it pushes you together, we have all said this on the course. That all of us are becoming very close and I guess I just let go last night

YanknCock Sat 11-Jul-09 18:56:28

Is your husband your only long term relationship? How old were you when you got together?

I cheated on my first husband, and I didn't feel terribly guilty. We'd been arguing for months about the fact that he never wanted sex, and he said 'maybe you should go find someone else to do it with'. He took that comment back and said he wasn't happy with that, but the seed was planted in my head and I just didn't care anymore.

Long story short, we are divorced and I've remarried. This time to someone who I'm sexually compatible with, and who I could never cheat on---no desire to, and I just couldn't hurt him like that. Didn't feel that way with the ex, there was so much resentment there.

Maybe you need to try to figure out why you don't feel the guilt. If he's as perfect and wonderful as you say, I think you'd be feeling a lot worse now.

Agree if you intend to stay with husband, and this is a one of, all you are doing by telling him is unburdening yourself and making him feel like shit.

My affair was with someone at work, and it was a nightmare for the next two years while the OM alternately treated me like dirt or tried to get me back in bed. Be clear about your intentions, then keep your distance as much as possible. You cannot be friends with this man.

expatinscotland Sat 11-Jul-09 18:58:14

Well, I'm with salbysea. I'll never for the life of me understand people who f*ck someone they work with. The world is full of men, or women, for that matter whom you don't work with or have to see again.

You'd better hope this chap doesn't squeal. He just might, though, because he 'loves' you.

And you feel no real compunction about seeing or working with him again for the next 2 years.

Nice.

Ask yourself this, how would you feel if you found out your husband had done the exact same thing?

Seriously.

mammablueeyes Sat 11-Jul-09 19:00:51

no I married him in my late 20's, we are very compatible but not sexually, but thats because I am not very sexual anyway and I wouldnt be with anyone.
I do feel guilt of course i do, just not as much as I expected to feel if I was ever unfaithful I supose. And he is not here at the moment so Im not having to see him or deal with it in that way

devotion Sat 11-Jul-09 19:03:18

mammablueeyes - you have been with your dh for 8 years and you love him and want to be with him.

i do not believe it.

you have been betraying your husband way before last night. from the moment you felt a spark you should have backed right off and steered totally clear of this guy because deep down you knew what was happening and what would happen.

this always happens with affairs - you saw it coming.

i'm not being mean to you, i honestly feel for you because you're just human after all. just because we are with someone we love it does not mean that you wont fall for someone else.

BUT big BUT, you would have steered clear when you smelt the danger for your dh but you didnt!

what i am saying is that maybe you need to think why you did it, it was nt just some stupid drunken one off mistake, this built over a year.

i'm not saying tell your dh but if you know 100% that you want to stay with him and that you never want to hurt him then he needs to never find out about this.

you need to make sure you have no contact whatsoever with this guy and work on your relationship with your dh.

sleeping with someone once usually leads to another night and then maybe more, it kind of opens a book even if you dont really want them. its like escapism and simply because you can.

is it possible to break all contact with this guy, i'm just worried that he said he loves you. he may not be too happy about it.

dont speak to him face to face alone or write any letters or emails to him. speak to him over the phone and explain that you love her dh and do not want to hurt him and you made a dreadful mistake that you will have to live with it. ask him if he will respect that and let you be and both of you move on.

hopefully it will be that easy.

we all make shitty mistakes sometimes and i just hope that this never happens to me. i have seen people do this before and i have kind of felt myself in situations were i could see what could happen iykwim and so i got out of there. but like i said i had the chance to learn from someone elses mistake.

goodluck x

ilovemydogandmrobama Sat 11-Jul-09 19:03:43

I don't understand the 'get it out of my system...'

Sorry you are feeling bad, but maybe you shouldn't think of having extra marital sex as something that needed to be exercised, but rather as a real 911 call for your marriage.

expatinscotland Sat 11-Jul-09 19:04:01

So you're mismatched sexually and your husband is probably gagging for it because you're 'not very sexual' but you're sexual enough to sleep with someone else?

Man, that's messed up.

Like I said, hope your lover doesn't squeal.

mammablueeyes Sat 11-Jul-09 19:06:09

I guess if it was a case of 'choosing' to fuck someone, you wouldnt pick somebody you worked with... but its not something I ever expected to be doing whether I worked with them or not. We dont actually work together as such we are student nurses so spend some months altogether and some months apart on placements. I know I am totally out of order and I know that I am responsible because I am the one who is married and he is single. I think we were both shocked and disspaointed in ourselves this morning that we had let this happen and I havent spoken to him since. I dont really know what to say

devotion Sat 11-Jul-09 19:07:17

expatinscotland - "I'll never for the life of me understand people who f*ck someone they work with."

i did with my dh and we are very happy together with two children and one on the way.

many people do and it works for them, you can understand why affairs start at work because you spend so much time with this person. go through the same stress, success and drinks after etc... its easily done.

although i will point out we were not having an "affair" but rather a secret relationship because i had been with someonse else in my office who confessed their love to me... i know - i was a bit of a hussy! but if you cant be hussy when you are 21 then when can you?

expatinscotland Sat 11-Jul-09 19:07:52

i rank 'get it out of my system' right up there with 'i was drunk'.

hey, i've been both enough to know what a load of tosh that is.

just be friggin' honest with at least yourself and admit you wanted to f*ck him and instead of just keeping it a fantasy because that's the mature thing to do when you're no longer single (and have pledged monogamy to someone else and do not have an open relationship) and you feel a 'spark', you went for it.

people generally have more respect for things when you just call them for what they are.

'mistake', my arse.

expatinscotland Sat 11-Jul-09 19:07:53

i rank 'get it out of my system' right up there with 'i was drunk'.

hey, i've been both enough to know what a load of tosh that is.

just be friggin' honest with at least yourself and admit you wanted to f*ck him and instead of just keeping it a fantasy because that's the mature thing to do when you're no longer single (and have pledged monogamy to someone else and do not have an open relationship) and you feel a 'spark', you went for it.

people generally have more respect for things when you just call them for what they are.

'mistake', my arse.

expatinscotland Sat 11-Jul-09 19:09:03

'i did with my dh and we are very happy together with two children and one on the way.'

i meant if and when they're going to have an affair, devotion. not when they're single and free.

i mean, it's the oldest cliche in the book. it's humiliating if you fail and commonplace if you sucede.

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