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Sorry, I have to rant about my F(*&^^%ing mother

(20 Posts)
ARRRRRRHGGGGHHHHHH Fri 10-Jul-09 21:01:27

I have spent the last 5 years working hard to build a relationship with my sister (we barely knew each other before - we didn't live together as children)
She has gone through a really shit time and because of our ewfound closeness she has been spendign loads of time with my family - she is at her lowest possible ebb the moment, I am very worried about her.

She is coming with us on holiday next week for one week out of two of our family holiday, we thought she was going to come for two weeks but work committments mean she has to return home for the second week.

My FOIUNIOOHDing mother has suggested to her that I have been saying how she is intruding in our lives and we don't know how to tell her.

This isn't true!!!!!!!11

My sister is here this evening and it has been a huge problem tonight trying to explain to her that Mum is talking out of her arse. I love having her around, My children love having her around and my husband loves having her around.

My bitter and twisted mother can not cope with the idea that we are close, she is trying to twist things so that we fall out, she is SO bitter and unkind. Who would do that to their daughter when they know that she is feeling so shit about herself at the moment. Surely you would be over the moon that your daughters are there to support each other.

I am so cross with my mum, I am too cross to be able to talk to her about it.. I feel like I really want to slap her, I want her to feel a tiny incling of the pain she has caused my sister.

no point to all of this really I just need to vent.. what a withc !!!!!!!!

ARRRRRRHGGGGHHHHHH Fri 10-Jul-09 21:08:05

angry

nigglewiggle Fri 10-Jul-09 21:10:25

I had this same realisation about my mother a while ago. She was deliberately stirring things between me and my sis and I decided it was because she was so insecure about us getting close and leaving her behind.

Now me and my sister compare notes and she doesn't get away with it. She doesn't really even try any more because we have both challenged her on thing in the past.

I've decided to see it as her weakness and I know my sis feels the same. Hopefully you and your sister can do the same.

coppola Fri 10-Jul-09 21:12:33

so sorry to hear this. my mum operated a divide and conquer policy between my sib and i, with outright lying often involved. the only way to keep on top of it is to check the slurs, insinuations and lies out, with your sibling.

hard though... i'm pretty sure, after loads of therapy, that my mum had NPD which explained a lot. good for you for getting the relationship back with your sister!

coppola Fri 10-Jul-09 21:13:09

x post with niggle!

ARRRRRRHGGGGHHHHHH Fri 10-Jul-09 21:16:33

coppola, what is NPD?
Neither my sister nor I know how to let her know that she is lying about stuff.

I read something once about how to deal with children lying and that was to just clearly say, "I know that that isn't the truth" and leave it resigned to history. She knows that you know that she has lied.

How have you tackled having a mother like this?

nigglewiggle Fri 10-Jul-09 21:17:41

interesting coppola, I hadn't heard of NPD until I saw it on here. I think some of it fits my mum too.

nigglewiggle Fri 10-Jul-09 21:22:45

Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I have told her head on that she is lying.. she pretends to be confused hmm. Now we just say thing like "oh, I though you said she was going to do..." in front of my sis and she tries to squirm her way out of it.

It was a very similar set up, in that my sis and I lived in different cities and didn't have children, so didn't speak much. Now we live close and have children all of the same age so we talk all of the time. Now she can't get away with it.

coppola Fri 10-Jul-09 21:30:00

so, she says sib said x y and z, you remain v calm and detached and say, oh, that's interesting. when did she say that? (it's good to get specifics into the lying as it helps with the checking), then you change the subject. Then you check it out with your sister straight away and have a good laugh.

then when the incendiary things come back the other direction, it is so much easier to just check check check - it gets less painful (well it did for me). I don't know your circs, but I also got a lot of... well, your dad thinks x, said y, and so on. I didn't really have the kind of relationship where I could check this stuff with him (tres repressed) but one time she was so outrageous, I said, right I'm going to ask him why he said that and she got even more aggressive, so I knew it was a load of cobblers.

tbh - it prob won't work to let her know that you know, the best thing is to just remain calm and keep your relationship with your sister strong. MUCH easier said than done, because when my mum was alive, she had me in tears on a fairly regular basis.

Wikipedia

gettingagrip Fri 10-Jul-09 22:27:10

Narc Mothers

nigglewiggle Fri 10-Jul-09 22:48:58

Wow. Having read that, I am convinced. About 6 of those criteria were spot on! It was weird reading it. Some are not her at all, but some were like pages out of my diary!

I think I should see a therapist as my DH already says that I don't take criticism well sad.

gettingagrip Fri 10-Jul-09 22:53:12

LOL Niggle!

The good news is that if you think you are an N...then you are not!

The point being, of course, that anyone who IS an N would deny they have ANY of those characteristics!

xxxx

nigglewiggle Fri 10-Jul-09 23:08:11

Ahhhhhh. Thank you, can sleep easy now. Or, was that an example of my narcissistic need for reassurance.....wink

ARRRRRRHGGGGHHHHHH Fri 10-Jul-09 23:12:49

F)(*&k getting a grip,
My sister and I have just sat and read that and we are shaking.. So now we know she is a narcissist.

How do we deal with that?

coppola Fri 10-Jul-09 23:15:59

Oh, dear poor you and sis - I was worried that we'd taken your thread down a completely inappropriate line, but it just rang such bells.

There are some good books, I've never read them, I'm sure somebody will link.

I found just knowing that it wasn't my fault, helped!

Commiserations ARGGH, and sis!

ARRRRRRHGGGGHHHHHH Fri 10-Jul-09 23:17:35

should we feel pity for her? is it an illness?

coppola Fri 10-Jul-09 23:25:59

well, it is a recognised personality disorder (dsm something or other)

it can have it's roots in really extreme parenting - either abusive or the other way.

HolyGuacamole Sat 11-Jul-09 00:25:35

If someone is a true narcissist, you can't help them because the fundamental thing about narcissism is that the person refuses to accept, admit or even see that they have any problem at all. A person with NPD would see that everyone else has the problem and that they are the only one who is perfect.

I've read that the best way of dealing with NPD is to maintain a safe distance. There are websites that give good strategies and coping mechanisms but ultimately you cannot win, the most you can do is lessen how it affects you.

On a side note, I had the exact problem with my own mother. I had no relationship with my sis for years then suddenly we started making a go of it. My mother had always said that she wished me and my sis could get on. However, when we did start to build a good relationship, my mother would go all weird and jealous. Something that she encouraged actually became something that was a threat. If my sis and I shared a joke, my mother would go all funny, if we went to the shops without my mother, that again would cause the silent treatment and so on.

Needless to say, due to a whole plethora of problems both connected and unconnected, I now have a relationship with neither of them and never will have. My mother is not a narcissist though, so just be careful of using a label. And also be careful because your mother probably has more power to ruin yours and your sisters relationship than you might give her credit for. I don't mean to sound ominous, it's just that these things can escalate and before you know it, you have even bigger problems on your hands.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Jux Sat 11-Jul-09 00:39:01

I'm glad you've got things sorted with your sister. I think what you have to do is wait until you can speak without shaking and going off the rails, then say to your mum how upset you both were that she said xxx and that she herself knows that it was not true etc etc.

Oh heck, I think you have to be very clear as if you were talking to a child and explain that it is simply not acceptable that she says things like that, and that if she does it again you and your sister will never believe anything she says.

Good luck to both of you, and I hope you manage to achieve a resolution, whether it involves cutting your mother out of your lives or you find another way. The two of you need to stick together on this, and trust each other.

gettingagrip Sat 11-Jul-09 09:08:34

This is quite a good site re Narcissists.

The thing is that if she is an N, no amount of talking will do any good at all.

They have a cognitive deficit which means that they cannot actually process what you say to them correctly.

They learned in childhood to 'filter out' all the bad stuff, and this continues in adulthood sadly, so that unless what you are saying is what they want to hear, you may as well talk to the wind.

It is a hugely complex disorder, and not all Ns are the same. They often have other disorders running alongside the narc stuff too.

No-contact is what is recommended, but I do see mine through necessity.

Good luck and if you need to know anything I am happy for you to CAT me.

xxxxx

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