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Emotional Abuse.. looking for success stories of those who were strong enough to end it. My H has left, and this is day 2. I am trying to stay really strong and not cave in to the guilt!!!

(33 Posts)
psych101 Fri 10-Jul-09 02:10:57

Hello there,

I've posted here a few times, and mostly for emotional abuse.. I've been a victim on this abuse for over 10 years now. I have two small children who are very aware of how he talks to me, and controls me.

After one of many ridiculous arguments.. I told him I didn't want him to come home. I have plans to look for a new place to live in the city, as we are on an island 1 1/2 hours away from the city.

I could list tons, and tons of examples of pure meaness, and nastyness. But always feel guilty because he's nice to the children, and we have had many fun times in the past as a family.

I worry if he will be okay without us. I worry if the children will be okay being in a broken family.

I am trying very hard to focus on all the nasty things he's said and done, and to not dwell on all the GUILT.

Some of the meaner things he has done:

1. fired my mom the day before our wedding, god only knows why....

2. Ban me from seeing my mom, for no reason.

3. Sent my mom dog sh**t via postal delivery.

4. Spat at me

5. Threw a cup of milk at me while holding my young child

6. Verbally abused me for hours on end the night before my dad's funeral -- and putting him down.

7. Embarrassed me in front of friends on a regular basis, and treats them really bad

8. Told my young son to "take care of mommy, she's not well" after a 'row' with him.

9. Withheld affection for the past 8 + years.

I could go on.. and on.... and sorry for rambling. Most of these things happened years ago. But now, he is more descreet with his abuse. Just controlling, and
degrading comments and belitteling, is a big one.

I feel very close to finally moving on with our lives, and moving back to where my friends and family are, and getting out of this toxic relationship. I just really need strong words of encouragment from those who understand this type of abuse.

Thanks for you time smile

JesuslovesCatholicSchools Fri 10-Jul-09 02:17:58

well done you - he sounds like a nsty cunt. and you are veyr very strong

good luck and hope this servs as a bump for you

psych101 Fri 10-Jul-09 03:00:42

He is.... and thank-you!

whatanothernamechange Fri 10-Jul-09 03:33:12

I'm going through it myself at the moment and I'm not out of it yet, so I can't offer much except to bump it for you and say well done for getting away from him, He sounds awful!

psych101 Fri 10-Jul-09 05:00:21

...thank-you, needed to hear that. He's threatened me too, saying that he's going to get nasty.. hmmmmm, like he's been nice up to now???!!!! but I have a great support group back in the city, so I'll be okay.

You're not alone, that's for sure! You need to reach that 'breaking point' before you can do anything about it. And I did.

wishing you all the best too whatanothername

By the way,.. from what I listed, he does sound like someone I should leave right???

tennisaddict Fri 10-Jul-09 07:09:52

psych, you don't need to ask that last question

many women will identify with what you have briefly detailed already and I'm sure there is lots more controlling behaviour that would take you ages to type

if you have made your decision, stick to it now, because if you allow the guilt to take over and go back it will be likely to seriously ompromise th last vestiges of our self-respect

take the support ou have been offered, and keep taking it

keep communication with ex to a bare minimum, to do with the children only and don't listen to any bleatings and emotional blackmail from him

he is likely to step up the guilt tris now he realises this is really happening

if he has had many chances before, you owe him nothing other than a business-like relationship re. the kids

you owe yourself and them much more

good luck to you xx

ditzzy Fri 10-Jul-09 07:11:57

Hello psych101 - I'm just going through it too! After 10 years together (6 married) I finally asked him to leave in April. He's not actually moved out yet, but has signed all the legal documents to declare us separated and sign the house over to me. Slightly different for me, as we don't actually have kids (joined mn when TTC)

I hope your last question was rhetorical!! Of course he sounds like someone you should leave. I actually find it really hard to list reasons, mine all sound so petty to me; but every single friend or family member has said I'm diong the right thing (and they can't believe he's behaved that way and I put up with it for so long). Number 7 on your list sounds particular relevant to me - on the few occasions I did dare to bring friends back to the house, he would be so rude to them they would never want to come back. Mutual friends would be continually 'shown' how stupid I was relative to him. Its not good enough, to me love = respect, and if you respect someone then you tell everyone how wonderful that person is, not how they sometimes don't even have dinner ready when you get home from work...

Good luck, and keep posting here, there's lots of us in this boat.

isittooearlyforgin Fri 10-Jul-09 07:20:50

well done! you are very brave. Please try not to feel guilty - you have done exactly the right thing not just for yourself and your mental well being but also for your kids- if you are a happy person you will be a happy mum. Also although you might have had good family times and he has seemed nice to the kids - he hasn't been at all by subjecting them to watching him treat the person they love badly. Getting out now is the best thing you could do for your children or eventually they could think that is the normal behaviour. Keep strong - it must be really hard but rest assured you have done the best thing for absolutely everyone!

burlybum Fri 10-Jul-09 07:43:38

You are so strong for doing what you've done. I admire you greatly. It is so difficult to get up and go. It takes years of trying to make it work to realise that it won't work and to get to this point.

I know as I've been there.... twice! Yep, I'm didn't see it second time around as I down graded from physical abuse to just the emotional abuse and thought that it was OK. hmm

But here I am after 15 years of abuse with the most amazing life. In just 4 years of leaving I've been extremely successful in my business and become wealthy. (A first for me!) AND I have a beautiful daughter and a wonderful husband who loves me for me and is so kind. I also met some wonderfully kind people in my transition from nervous wreck to confident person. I didn't have kids with either of my abusive partners so it's not the same but in my opinion I think you've done the right thing.

Imagine what you want the future to be for you and your family and it will happen. I dreamed of the life I have now and never ever though it would be for me.

Good luck!

NellyNoKnicks Fri 10-Jul-09 07:54:47

Well done. Just wishing you good luck for the future. It took me several attempts for me to leave my abusive partner, mostly because I wasn't ready to within my own head.

Since I left though my life has become so much better, my career took off, I went back to college, then I met a wonderful man and we've just had a beautiful son together.

Stay strong and just keep focussed on the future you could have

lisad123 Fri 10-Jul-09 08:08:07

well done, your doing the right thing. Think of the kids, how happy they will be with a happy mummy, with loads of friends and family around. He will be fine, his shown his a strong, tosspot so dont you worry for a minute about him.
Stay strong, you can do it, you have made the hardest part already.

psych101 Fri 10-Jul-09 08:18:11

such very strong and encouraging comments... all of them!! Thank-you!

It's midnight where I am, and I know that I will feel better tomorrow, and that tonight is just a tough night.. I feel sad and want to grieve, and cry, but I can't because I have my children, and must stay strong. I feel sad for him, because I am breaking up his family that he prides on so much. (even though it was his doing all this time) Yes.... I have given him many, many chances. Last time I actually phoned him and asked him to come home because I missed him.

My friend told me to look forward and not look back, I guess it's kind of like being on a mountain climbing up, the last thing you want to do is look down, because you could fall.

I know it is better for the children. And better for everyone really. A happy mummy is much better than an unhappy mummy!

I will keep posting, and keep reading the posts. They are very helpful smile

I like 'tosspot' that's a good word!

Tillyscoutsmum Fri 10-Jul-09 08:22:15

I was in an emotionally abusive marriage and left over 10 years ago now. A lot of your points sound familiar - the constantly trying to isolate you away from family and friends, belittling everything you try to do and really kicking you when you're down all rang very loud bells with me sad

We didn't have dc's together but, as you say, your dc's are aware of how he treats you and its probably even more important for them that they don't see this as being an acceptable relationship.

My step father was abusive to my mother and she stayed with him (is still there now). Its pretty telling that my first proper relationship was with a man was so similar to theirs sad

Well done on being so strong. You sound like you have a lot of support in the city. It is hard at first but 10 years on, I am very happily married to a fantastic man smile

Good luck x

BitOfFun Fri 10-Jul-09 08:39:03

It may be hard while you go through this readjustment, but your life will be dizzyingly better without him inbor. Good luck- you should be very excited smile

Ryn Fri 10-Jul-09 08:59:43

All i can add from my personal experience is that you must just take one day at a time. Thinking about the long haul used to make me panic and thats when I was tempted to weaken.

He WILL use every trick in the book and assume the role of victim....then may turn nasty....all the way through you need to keep reading your first comments on this thread and remind yourself of what you have had to endure!

You will be stronger because of this, and you will move on to much better things. Just try to remember if he loved you as he should he would never have done these things in the first place!

Good luck, use whatever resources you can to stay focused (this site obv high on the list) and congratulate yourself for not giving in so far and getting to this stage!

You can do it!!!!!! Personally, it has been the hardest but most liberating thing I ever did in my life. No one can MAKE you feel bad about yourself if you dont ALLOW them too!

Go Girl xxxxx

gettingagrip Fri 10-Jul-09 09:14:37

You have absolutely done the right thing.

I left my abusive narcissistic H almost three years ago. I did think that the abuse wasn't 'bad enough' to justify my leaving. His behaviour since however has shown me that I should have done it years ago.

I had guilt about my leaving for a long time.

Now that has gone, and I just concentrate on saving my children from his malign influence.

If your children are still small then they may not have been too damaged by their father's treatment of their mother.

I have not met another partner (old gimmer emoticon), but my life is much richer and happier now I am on my own with my kids.

I have even applied for a new job!!! I will probably not get it, but just to apply is a big thing for me .

Take care of yourself and treat your self kindly. Realise that you are in a recovery phase and take time to look after yourself.

And know that YOU are as important as anyone else.

I wish you all the luck in the world

xxxxx

NicknameTaken Fri 10-Jul-09 13:02:03

I've been lurking for a few weeks and joined just to answer this question. It is now seven weeks since I left XP. He was consistently verbally abusive ("dirty ugly moron"), there was some physical pushing and shoving (eg. he dragged me into the bathroom by my shirt collar)and worst of all, he tried to weaken my relationship with dc (a girl aged 18 months) because he was jealous. One weekend, he literally would not let me touch her for 22 hours on end.

I went to a refuge for 3 weeks before renting my own flat.

A couple of things from my experience that might help:

- keep a diary. In a safe place obviously. I noted down every day for a month what the atmosphere was like. It came as a revelation to see how much tension there was on a daily basis even when there wasn't an actual outburst from him. The constant possibility of an outburst was a major stressor in itself.

- after leaving, prepare to feel guilty and stupid and as if you are overreacting for the first days. Women's Aid were great. I initially felt that my situation wasn't really bad enough to "deserve" their help, but they really validated the fact that I needed and deserved assistance to achieve a better home-life for myself and dc.

For the first few days I really wanted to go back to xp and felt so guilty about what I was doing to him by leaving. They talked to down, just told me to give it some time, and reminded me that time apart in itself doesn't kill off a viable relationship. And the breakthrough came after 3 days or so when I realized I was feeling bad because of how xp would be feeling - not because of how I was feeling. And why should two of us be entirely focused on him? He had that area covered very nicely himself!

I'm luckier than a lot because we weren't together all that long, less than two years, so he didn't have so much time to mess with my head. We're still working out the legal aspects of residence/access but I'm happy with how it's going so far. We might even manage a reasonably civil co-parenting relationship, although I'm not pinning all my hopes on it.

Frankly, I'd recommend leaving husbands to anybody!

And as has been said a million times here before,the Lundy Bancroft book is excellent.

NicknameTaken Fri 10-Jul-09 13:06:36

Oops, I was so focused on my situation, I didn't read the OP properly. Congratulations on getting him to leave! The guilt is horrific for a few days/weeks but you'll wake up one day and it will be gone, and this will happen sooner than you think.

You're doing the right thing by reminding yourself of all the bad things he did. Write out as many as you can remember - this will come in handy in any legal proceedings but more importantly, it will remind that you have excellent reasons for this course of action.

It will get easier, promise!

psych101 Fri 10-Jul-09 22:33:08

Thank-you for all comments and support! I have read every post, and found strength in each one of them. A few posters mentioned that he will become more aggressive and abusive once he finds out that I really am leaving, and that's exactly what has happened. Just an example... an only posting this for selfish reasons, as it will make me feel better...

1. you're ---- trash
2. You're scum
3. You come from garbage
4. Welfare scum, and will amount to nothing like your family
5. You better be afraid, get out of the house now. Leave.
6. I'm coming by to get some things, you better not be there, or else.
7. I don't even want to smell your scent, open the windows
8. you're lazy as they come..... (not true by the way) shock

And this is after a very long 2 hour conversation on the phone with him, discussing how I won't be able to make it work (moving to the city that is) And I was being very nice to him. He was talking in circles, and spinning my head around so fast I was getting dizzy and starting to believe that I wouldn't be able to do it. Then I REMEMBERED EVERYTHING I'VE READ ON HERE AND OTHER SITES ON EMOTIONAL ABUSE. And I listened to the voice in my head saying that he's just messing with my head...

I know that I am just a hop,skip, and jump away from a woman's shelter, I have all the info I need, and I also have enough money to get me there

I am sharing this with you all, because it will make me feel better, but also to share with you. and if you keep on this site, you will gain strenght will be able to escape the abuse.

He is making it easier for me at least I can be thankful for that, because I can accept the abuse, and the words, it eases the guilt. If that makes any sense??? I know.... classic case of abused behaviour.

Just wanted to let you all know that I am still here, we are still apart, and I am STILL leaving with my children to the city.

And I can do it. And I will, and I will not feel sorry for him.........

gettingagrip Fri 10-Jul-09 22:59:19

Good for you!

And in a year or so you will wish that you had done it years earlier!

xxxxx

SolidGoldBrass Fri 10-Jul-09 23:11:20

Good luck. You are doing the right thing. Try to think of getting away from this man as being a bit like coming off heroin: it has its appealing side (he will be/have been nice some of the time or you would have bolted long ago) but in the long run it's extremely harmful.
ISTR you are in the US, so won't suggest you contact Women's Aid but are there groups/organisations for people in abusive relationships near you?

NellyNoKnicks Fri 10-Jul-09 23:21:19

Am so pleased you haven't given in to the mind games.... let him call you the names, YOU know that they're not true and so does he.... he's just desperate because he knows that you're slipping away from him...

You're worth so much more than anything he has to offer and just look forward to an amazing future

psych101 Sat 11-Jul-09 09:38:48

Solidgold, hi.... so I'm actually from Canada, and we have a fabulous support system here. I have the number keyed into my cell phone, so I can call if need be.

Thank-you!

Alambil Sat 11-Jul-09 12:49:32

and another point from another survivor....

the kids aren't from a "broken" home. You are not broken. You are just alone ... totally different

TBH I'd say that staying with that excuse for a person was more broken than growing up without him in the building (not out of their lives, just out of the building they reside in - unless he is dangerous, then out of their lives too of course)

so stop the guilt of breaking their home - you haven't. You've fixed it.

One day at a time - and keep repeating "I am not X Y Z" to yourself when you doubt it all

Pinkchampagne Sat 11-Jul-09 18:55:34

Well done. You have done the right thing but I know how hard it is. I suffered emotional abuse in my marriage for years before mustering up the strength to get out.

My family didn't understand the whole emotional abuse thing as there are no bruises to show, but the damage it does to you inside is far worse.
I recall my mum saying "We just can't get our heads round it - it would have been easier to accept if he had hit you or had an affair!"shock

Anyway, it is now 3 years since I separated from exh & I have been with the lovliest man for the past 2 years.
I look back now & cannot believe I suffered that unhealthy relationship for so long.

Good luck and well done again. You have done the right thing!smile

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