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risk a feud with my aunt over family snaps: what would you do?

(13 Posts)
Gemzooks Thu 09-Jul-09 21:45:49

My Dad died 1.5 years ago. his sister who is 70, who he was on good terms with but not super close to, mentioned that she would like to 'have all the family photos and when would I be able to send them to her', in a tone that suggested she was entitled to them with no discussion. I have always been on very good terms with her but we live in different countries. She is very very warm and nice, but has a volatile temper and has several ongoing family feuds with various relations lasting up to 40 years or more. I really don't want to argue with her over this.

Anyway I said nothing at the time, thinking I would sort them out first. She said she wanted them because her own kids have taken all the ones she already had. Basically, whilst I am fine with sharinh them with her (my Dad ended up with most of the photos from his mother when she died), I don't think she has an automatic right to have all of them, especially since her kids will probably take them too!

She mentioned it every time we were in touch, and I kept saying I hadn't sorted them out, which was true because I also live abroad and had to sort out my Dad's stuff from afar and sell his house etc, and eventually (I had 2 MC, move to another country, birth of second DC, new job, moved house, etc), I packaged up lots of photos, making sure that I kept some older photos for myself as well. Any ones of her and my Dad as kids, I gave her, and with older ones I scanned them and sent her originals. However I did keep some older photos of great grandparents etc, as I would like keep some in my family too. She said thank you for the photos and at the same time suddenly revealed that my Dad had sent her a lot just before he died. Not sure if this is true/relevant or whatever, but it made me feel she had kind of deceived me about not having any.

Ok, so recently I've scanned all the photos I have, and she is basically the only person I can ask about who some of the people are in them to put the family tree together. Also they're all online and another of my cousins has seen them, who is in touch with her.

Now, it's not that she will be furious to see them online or whatever, but she might ask to have the originals, and then I would have to say no.

I just want to be collaborative with her and ideally have all the bloody photos online for the entire extended family to see.

my fear is that she will be offended and ask me why I didn't send her these older photos before.

So what do I do, keep quiet about the photos online, make some of them private, but what if the other cousin asks her about them, or just give her the link and say 'hey I've put this whole bunch of stuff online, please help out with naming any lost aunties?'

I've got myself into a right pickle with this one...

Flyonthewindscreen Thu 09-Jul-09 22:48:35

I would go with the last option i.e. this stuff is online, please could you help re identification. If she queries why you have key various originals imo you ate justified in just saying you wanted to hang onto them. They belonged to your dad and to be brutal you have better claim to them than his sister.

Flyonthewindscreen Thu 09-Jul-09 22:50:17

Sorry kept not key and are not ate. Have been on duty at school disco then too much wine...

LaurieFairyCake Thu 09-Jul-09 22:51:50

I would say they were in a box that I hadn't discovered yet.

Then I would get them copied properly (my aunt did this for me) and send her the originals.

And then ask her to identify them.

Nyx Thu 09-Jul-09 23:09:26

I second what Laurie says - I would also say I'd recently 'found' the batch that she doesn't have. Hope all goes well.

Gemzooks Thu 09-Jul-09 23:19:52

thanks.. but should I give her the online link and literally lie and say 'these are some I just discovered?' or should I just give her the link and wait for her to come back to me?

booyhoo Fri 10-Jul-09 00:53:14

id give her the link and leave it at that. she cant lay claim to every single photo your dad owned.

Metatron Fri 10-Jul-09 01:55:54

I would put them online with a pointed remark about shared heritage tbh.

if she say's anything say yes they are great, why don't you copy the ones you already have and send them to me? oh and who are x y z ?

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Fri 10-Jul-09 07:13:33

If you scanned them you can print a whole new batch for her no? Snapfish do cheap printing and cheap delivery. Make life easier for yourselves. Tell her about them being online (if she even uses internet?) and you put them there as part of the sorting out process.

Gemzooks Fri 10-Jul-09 13:14:36

thanks! will tell her they're online and not mention the 'old' ones... yes, she uses the internet, is even on facebook!

Disenchanted3 Fri 10-Jul-09 13:18:50

If they are online she can get them printed.

Why send her the originals if they were your dads?

I wouldn't have, I would have sent her a CD with them all on in the first place for her to print as and when she likes.

Blackduck Fri 10-Jul-09 13:20:14

You could (if you can tell a lie) say your dad gave them to you before he died, but if she wants to pay for you have them copied you are happy to arrange it...

TwoHot Fri 10-Jul-09 13:42:17

They belong to you, you may give them away if you want or not.

A disk is an excellent idea.

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