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to stay or to go

(10 Posts)
akash Thu 09-Jul-09 15:32:28

unsure about relationship with dh we have dd who`s 10 month and i have dd who is 11 while my dh is great if not a little over protective with baby. he is horrid to my 1st child who isn`t his. she`s not an easy child but he doesn`t even talk to her now and if he does it`s to moan or shout at her for doing something he does`nt agree with , our relationship has become very fragile not just because of this, but he pays me no attention especially when it comes to being intimate we very rarely talk because when we do he is very opinionated what ever i say doesn`t matter so i`ve given up talking about anything when he does speak to me it`s to complain about the way i`ve done or not done something .so torn between staying or going can`t stand the atmosphere when he and my daughter together i`m stuck in the middle of the 2 . if i leave i know she`ll be a lot happier but what about my youngest daughter how will she cope When we got married i never dreamt i`d be thinking of leaving 2 years later but don`t think we can live with this atmosphere much longer. when i`ve tried to talk to him he just blames everything on my eldest and says if she wasn`t here everything would be fine (she`s not going anywhere) but i know they wouldn`t cos of his complete disinterest in me. need an outside opinion please

Hassled Thu 09-Jul-09 15:35:13

Go. No decent person would try to make a mother choose between him and her child - and that's effectively what he's trying to do. It's not fair on you or your DD1, and it really doesn't sound like you're happy with him apart from the DD situation. It's no wonder she's not an easy child if she has a stepfather who won't even talk to her.

unavailable Thu 09-Jul-09 15:58:46

My son has grown up with a "step-father" since the age of 4. Theirs hasnt always been the easiest of relationships (especially during the teenage years) but never once has my dp suggested "everything would be fine if it wasnt for him" as your dh has done.

Fundamentally, I know that although they clash sometimes, they do love each other. If I felt my dp resented my son, I know our relationship could not have lasted.

If your husband cant/wont change his attitude to your daughter, I dont think your relationship is worth saving.

imbored Thu 09-Jul-09 23:00:38

my ex was like this but worse and hes gone. i say go hes not going to get any better. best of luck with what you decide

mrsboogie Thu 09-Jul-09 23:22:06

jesus christ - you cannot let him treat your daughter like this. Leave him or else you are sacrificing you elder daughter's future and happiness for the sake of a relationship that is only going to end at some point anyway.

Why did you marry him and have a child with him if he didn't treat your daughter well?

akash Fri 10-Jul-09 09:06:07

in answer to that ques mrsboogie there relationship wasn`t that bad when we got married it`s just got worse since we`ve been married

Lemonylemon Fri 10-Jul-09 09:38:36

Of course your relationship got worse when you got married - he's got you where he wants you..... undermined.

My very blunt advice would be to leave him - your youngest daughter will cope - she's not even 1 yo yet. You have the mental health of your eldest daughter to think about.

Your daughter did not choose to be put in this situation - it must be dreadful for her. Your OH on the other hand, is supposed to be an adult and be mature - which he obviously is not.

LyraSilvertongue Fri 10-Jul-09 09:42:14

It doesn't sound like there's much worth saving.
You have to think of your daughter and get her away from this man.
Do you have somewhere you can go? Or would he leave if you told him it was over? He's the problem so why should you and your children have to lose your home?

akash Fri 10-Jul-09 09:49:33

lyrasilvertongue it`s my house so he would go i have brought up the subject that if he`s not happy to go (just to test the water ) his response was if i go dd2 goes with him which i obviously won`t let happen but is playing on my mind

missingtheaction Fri 10-Jul-09 10:03:24

So it's not 'I love you and I want to stay with you' but 'if you kick me out I will ruin your life'? Sounds like it's all over for both of you.

He can't 'take' dd - she is your daughter too. you will come to a sensible arrangement about where she lives and how much time she spends with each of you.

Might be worth a quick trip to CAB or a half hour with a lawyer to get an idea of how the divorce might play out before you kick him out.

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