Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Ex Husband is having DD this weekend and has told me he is bringing his new gf.

(26 Posts)
makeitbetter Thu 09-Jul-09 10:37:57

This is the GF who he was cheating on me with. She is 19, he is 31.
He is an unreliable, and hasnt seen DD much at all, overnight visits have stopped for the momment as DD wasnt happy.
He has been so so horrible to me these last 6 months or so. Abusive, lied etc... etc...

So he is taking DD out for the day with his new GF.
I feel so rubbish about it, but i know there is nothing i can do. Has anyone got any tips or how to deal with it and not appear bothered?
All i can come up with is to make sure i look really nice when he comes to the door. ( just in case she is having a nose... which i bet she will )
It all makes me feel a bit sick to be honest.

Also posted in lone parents, but thought i might get a different perspective on this board.

sunfleurs Thu 09-Jul-09 10:43:24

How old is your dd? I would have your Mum or a family member hand your dd over on this particular occasion, is that possible? Because you are off doing something exciting and fab and can't even be bothered to be there.

makeitbetter Thu 09-Jul-09 10:45:01

she is only 3.

its just going to be horrible isnt it

makeitbetter Thu 09-Jul-09 10:45:39

and i wish my day was going to be exciting and fab. But it isnt - just housework and gardening.
Pants!

mumblechum Thu 09-Jul-09 10:47:35

I think all you can do is prepare your dd and hope that she has a good time IF she's only little, ie under 5. If older than that then I think you should see how she feels about it and if she's not keen, say so to your dh and suggest that just the two of them go out.

It sounds as though the relationship will fizzle out due to the age difference anyway.

BitOfFun Thu 09-Jul-09 10:52:08

I remember reading a tip on here once that sounded really good.

Answer the door dressed up to go somewhere nice, look and your watch and sigh like he's making you late for something, maybe cut a mobile call short as you answer the door saying "I'll see you there", be pulling your coat on etc.

Look like you don't give a shit, he is "babysitting" while you are getting on with your fabulous life.

It will niggle at him all day. Do it! grin

makeitbetter Thu 09-Jul-09 11:09:50

I know, i worry how it will upset DD, she hasnt seen her dad for 3 weeks. I know her little face will fall when she realises he has someone with him. Thats what hurts too.
But there is nothing i can do, so im trying my hardest to not get upset.

Not sure if it will fizzle out. He has been seeing her since nov 08. Hes talking about buying a house with her and going on holiday with her and is constantly telling me how much he loves her and how wonderful she is and now she has done more for him in that time than i did in 10 years.

makeitbetter Thu 09-Jul-09 11:11:01

yeah, thats what im planning on doing Bitoffun.
It still hurts so much though

and i wish i was doing something fab, but im bloody well not.

BitOfFun Thu 09-Jul-09 11:21:07

Try and arrange something lovely then! He sounds like a massive cock- and not in a good way.

makeitbetter Thu 09-Jul-09 11:26:52

havent really got anyone ( bar family) to do anything with.
Have just moved to a new area and dont know anyone. Am trying to make friends, but it takes time you knwow.

Ive got a ton of stuff to do in the house and the garden needs weeding, so ill prob do that and catch up on a bit of tv etc... try to make the most of having time to myself.

He is a massive cock, which is why i finally kicked him out. Glad you agree!

poshsinglemum Thu 09-Jul-09 13:41:39

This must be hard but try to look at it in a different light.
He's clearly a prick and you are well shot of him so this new bit of skirt is welcome to him. If he cheated on you then you then he can do it to her. Why exactly is he rubbing this in your face? Guilt I expect.
It must be heart wrenching to see your daughter go out with this slag but she is not her mummy- you are and always will be.
Mabe next time he has her then definately do plan a treat for yourself. It will cheer you up and you will have some me time.
Grrrrr on your behalf.

sunfleurs Thu 09-Jul-09 13:51:27

Go to the cinema on your own. I love doing that when ex has the dc. I buy a big vat of diet coke, and some salty popcorn and watch a good movie with no interruptions, go swimming as well and have a coffee or hot chocolate afterwards while you read the papers. I love this time to myself.

I know it easy to say all this but you really have to try and tune them both out. No-one can replace Mummy and if she is really only 19 I bet the novelty of looking after a demanding three year old (only in the way that all toddlers are demanding) will wear off pretty quick.

macdoodle Thu 09-Jul-09 13:59:58

Another one who goes to the cinema in peace then have my fave lunch of suchi out by myself!
I actually quite enjoy sat by myself with Heat magazine no conversation no demands on my time!
I know how much it hurts, my XH who never ever wanted to do family things now spends ever other sunday playing families with the OW, the child they had while still married to me, and mt 2 DD's!!
But TBH I never used to get any me time when we were together or any family yie, and I am now starting to look forward to MY sundays alone!!
Is mine this week (where are you BTW) ou are free to come wih me to the movies and for sushi and a lovely leisurely walk through town window shopping with no children demanding time!!
It does get better truly it does grin

makeitbetter Thu 09-Jul-09 14:15:43

oh mac, that is terrible.
Mine also never did family time, or helped me out or was interested in DD at all. In fact he only lived with her for 6 months of her life. Of course he is only interested in her now sometimes, but only when it suits him.
Im in suffolk... bet you arent!
or i would love to join you, i love sushi!

ElenorRigby Thu 09-Jul-09 14:26:50

Can you ask him not to bring his GF to your door? I think it would be really out of order for her to be brought to/go to your doorstep.
I'm a step "mum" (not an other woman btw, met DP long after his ex finished their relationship) but I never go to Dp's ex's house, DP does the pick ups/drop off's for DSD. I wait in the car, it wouldnt seem right to go to her door. hth

macdoodle Thu 09-Jul-09 14:32:07

The only reason he does family time now with OW, is because the contact order says he has to have the DD's every other sunday 9-4 (he fought that wanted 9-1 so he could go to pub after), I know for a fact that the sunday he doesnt have them, he doesnt spend time with OW but in pub as usual!
I have finally got to the stage where I think/know she did me a favour grin I have a lovely lovely new DP, who works away so I get one sunday to myself and one with DP and 2 lovely ones with the DD's - I am more than happy with my life now!
Dont just do housework do a bit in the morning, then GO OUT, for a walk, cinema, meal. coffee it will make you feel better, and its actually quite good fun
Sorry am a bit far away from suffolk !

whatdoyouallthink Fri 10-Jul-09 07:18:31

makeitbetter, I dont have any advice for you really. I hope it all goes ok. I like what someone else posted about making it seem your on your way out etc, even if you just drive round the block and go home and do the things that need doing!

My H is 34 and left me for a 19yr old 7 months ago, everyone tells me it wont last but like you I think it might as he loves her enough to ruin our family for. I am dreading the day she has to meet the 3 dc so really can understand how your feeling.

2rebecca Fri 10-Jul-09 08:35:59

I'm surprised that after 7 months together she hasn't met his kids. Is he deliberately keeping her away from them or does he not have his kids over for weekends?
If I had had a relationship with someone for 7 months they would definitely have met my kids, they're an important part of my life.

belledejour Fri 10-Jul-09 23:09:48

Makeitbetter, I really feel for you. My ex about to take my dds away on holiday with the woman he left me for and her two kids, and although I am very happy in relationship with new man it is so gutting and galling to think of them playing happy families. Also I hate them being exposed to her as I think she has zero moral integrity...after all, she did start shagging ex-husband when our 2dd only 3 months old...

However, I am determined that I am not going to confuse or disturb kids by slagging her off, telling them she is horrible, saying I will miss them desperately etc etc. I am just as normal and positive about it as I can be and so far it seems to be working as they SEEM pretty OK given the fact their dad left when they were aged 2 & 5yrs. All I hope is that the skanky whore is nice and kind to them because that might be a slight silver lining.

I wouldn't bother playing games pretending you are going out on the razz etc but I think the suggestion that you get a family member to do the handover is a sterling one. I would also say the gardening & weeding will be hard physical work, will be therapeutic, and you'll really feel you achieved something in your time off. I spend a lot of time gardening when my girls are with their father and have grown to love it. It also makes me feel good because I feel I am creating a safe and beautiful childhood home for my girls.

I really do understand how you feel, but as other posters have said you are her mum and she will always know that and love and treasure you and nothing can take that away.

Think you need to really minimize your communications with ex so he can't be dripping all this poison into your ear about how fab new gf is and how rubbish you were...can you make very businesslike arrangements via text etc to cut off communication a bit? When I did this and became truly neutral about my ex he hated it...he knew that his power over me had faded and that I'd moved on, and I think that really panicked him much more than me ranting and raging at him for being a liar and a cheat.

I am 4yrs on now, very happy and with absolutely wonderful new man. And am sure there is someone equally wonderful out there for you!

Chin up & lots of hugs xxx

fernfrost Fri 10-Jul-09 23:20:46

You are her mum. She knows that you are always there for her. Nothing can replace that. And in that role you have to try to just want her to be happy with whatever her day will bring. My daughter is 5. I have always done the "wonderful world of Disney" with her. But now - since I am separated from her father - she is going to Disneyland Paris in the summer holidays and having breakfast with Sleeping Beauty - with her father and his new girlfriend and her girls.

You have to stay strong. And most of all you have to have confidence in yourself. Do not let anybody undermine that. And do not allow yourself to be hurt by things that you cannot change.

The Universe has its way of doing things and you will eventually find somebody more suitable to your nature. See yourself as a creature of the universe. Trust in yourself.

Allow your daughter to grow from whatever her life gives her. She will respect you for that at some level. Though do not let things get out of hand. State your claim whenever you feel that your role is being interfered with.

Also - do not let her time with "them" make yyou feel in any way different about her. She might be confused at times and even take those feelings out on you.

Be there for her - but do not forget yourself too. I am sure you will pull through. It is hard and painful but there are plenty of use out there coping with it.

x

Spero Fri 10-Jul-09 23:31:29

O gawd it is awful isn't it. But it does get better. Try, if you can, not to torture yourself with visions of them playing happy families and skipping thru fields of daisies, etc, etc.

I did this for ages and then tried to have a word with myself. Knowing my ex, it was just as likely there were lots of grim silences and contemptuous eye rollings...

and then i tried to tell myself either way, it just doesn't matter any more, whether he is happy or sad, it isn't relevant to my life anymore, we are not in each other's stories from now on.

Of course I have quite frequent relapses, but I can see it getting better.

Don't let yourself dwell. Get on and do something so even if you do end up sobbing on the sofa later, it will be with a lovely weeded garden.

prettyfly1 Sat 11-Jul-09 13:40:05

oh lord. I am also a step but would never be so intrusive as to go to ex partners door. Is there any way at all you can arrange for someone else to do the drop off?

On another note although its incredibly hard, try and be as positive as possible about him and her for your daughters sake - they pick up on everything at three and she doesnt need to know about the issues at all - i m o at three years old they love anyone who gives them a bit of attention so even if she is disappointed at first it probably wont last if ow is nice to her. Just cross your fingers and hope for the best. I cant see many 19 year olds wanting to play mummy forever but if the relationship does survive this girl will be in your dds life for a long time so better to hope for them to have a nice relationship.

Good luck - macs advice is spot on - go out for a walk - go to the nearest shopping centre and just wander round!

used2bthin Sat 11-Jul-09 13:48:14

I had XP and his new GF come to mine to babysit the other night! I'd met her a couple of times and she is ok but I do feel odd when they take her out sometimes. It is tough but you get used to it. I find remembering that she is likely to feel more threatened by me than vice versa helps. And keeping busy!

CyradisTheSeer Sat 11-Jul-09 20:03:45

Message withdrawn

OrangeFish Sat 11-Jul-09 20:20:52

It's pants, but but but.... try to concentrate on the positives. I have found that since exH's OW is around, DS is better cared for, he rarely comes back wearing the same clothes he was wearing a day before, he is no longer wearing his trousers the other way around and even the socks match (Imagine!), I know that my son is now fed on time and put to bed on time (even if it is because they want time to themselves).

DS is no longer plugged to the computer all day long, since the woman is around they do family things, even if that is because he likes to pretend he is a good father, DS is benefitting from it.

Now, that doesn't obscure the fact that she is now living my former kind of glamourous life while I struggle in benefits BUT at least there is a responsible adult around when DS is not with me. They still dump DS and her child very often to go out or away, but even with that... DS is better cared for than he ever was when he was during the time with his dad.

Obviously, there is also the posibility that this woman doesn't like to have your child around, but that would mean that eventually your DD will have more time on her own with her dad.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now