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please help my husband left today - Boilerwoman's latest update

(23 Posts)
Boilerwoman Thu 09-Jul-09 10:14:00

I have been away for so long and must apologise. We have been really struck down by chickenpox, firstly DS had it quite badly I thought, but that was nothing compared to DD4 and DD3 who is just now getting over it in time for school to break up!

I had it when DD2 was a baby, so sixteen or so years ago, and I thought I would die. I think DD3 has been as poorly as I was.

DH remains at home, esconced in the spare room. The younger DC believe it is because he snores and keeps me awake (well he does/did anyway). DDs1 2 and 3 know the real reason.

It is our first session at Relate tonight, put off several times because of the illness situation, and because, as you all well know, there is nobody I can ask to babysit for me.

DH did go to a session alone. He said he had been worried he would have to lie on a couch or something but seemed pleasantly surprised that it wasn't like that.

I am still very nervous though....

I've probably said a lot of this before but he has admitted at the start it was just a sexual thing, he did it because he could. He admitted that about a year into the affair he began to have feelings for the OW. He felt that there was no intimacy between us, and not much of a sex life.

That is hard for me to accept but I have to don't I, and I accept that it is true, at least in part. We are not the same people we were 27 years ago. 5 DC, working full-time, house and garden and dog all to take care of and no support system takes its toll. You just can't be shagging every night (well, I can't, I don't have the energy).

But we are trying very hard. We sit closer together, we have actually been out as a couple a few times and are planning another couple of evenings out, only to the pictures or something. We are thinking about a couple of nights away for our anniversay next month, although I do fear this a pipe dream as who would have the DC?

Baby steps but I am hopeful.

I will report back once Relate has happened.

Another very big thank you for all your supoprt over the last weeks. I have said before that MN saved my life, and on one occasion literally.......


cafelattefan Thu 09-Jul-09 10:23:56

good to hear from you. glad you are okish.

HappyWoman Thu 09-Jul-09 10:48:34

BW - fantastic that you are back and able to post a bit at least.

Make YOUR dreams happen now - there are lots of places you can look for temp nannies - you just have to make the effort (or your h could at least!) We now get to have some real quality time just for us and as far as i know our children havent suffered too muchgrin.

Firstly you will have to both accept that the marriage you had is over - you will both have to now decide if you want to continue with it in another form.
It will be different from now on and it can be better in many ways.

Just remember though that it was only a few short weeks ago that he was prepared to give up on your marriage - so do make sure you take things very slowly.

Anyway good luck with the relate but dont expect miracles - there is one change at least - your h is now willing to at least gosmile.

Catch up again soon.

JigglyPiggy Thu 09-Jul-09 11:57:51

BW - it is good to hear from you. Hope the little ones are feeling better.

Please don't be nervous about relate I found it really useful. Make the most of this protected time away from the children to air your views aswell as his. I am a bit concerned that you seem to be taking too much responsibility for what has happened re the intimacy so I just hope he has made grand efforts to make amends for his dreadful treatment of you and your family and accepts that although you may have had issues jumping in the sack with another woman is never the solution.

Happywoman sums it up completely - the old marriage is dead so its time to build a relationship that is good for both of you.

take care & good luck for tonight.

countingto10 Thu 09-Jul-09 12:10:17

Hi Boilerwoman, I've been through a very similar experience to you in the last few weeks - been on the other "My husband left me" thread. Me and my H have now had about 7 Relate sessions (one individual one each - you would probably benefit from an individual session too). We are now coming out the other side but it is very hard. My H is only now working his way through the "grief" process and it beginning to understand what he did and what it did to everyone. He is now disgusted, repulsed, embarrassed etc by his actions and can't believe he actually did these things.

FWIW, I found it very hard for a couple of hours after the Relate sessions and needed time to think and process things. It makes you realise what was happening within the marriage, with you personally and with your H - patience and tolerance is needed by both sides.

Good luck for tonight and do try to book a weekend away without the DC as you both need to reconnect and spend together on your own - DH and I am going away tomorrow for 3 nights for my birthday (whole family rallying around to look after 4 DCs - takes some planning but it is possible !!!!)

Lizzylou Thu 09-Jul-09 12:16:14

So glad that you and your DH are working things through and really hope that Relate goes well tonight.
Great that you are making time for each other.
Don't forget about you and about what you need and want from the relationship/life in general.
Does your husband realise the extent of the hurt that he has caused you?

Really good to hear from you smile

HolyGuacamole Thu 09-Jul-09 20:37:46

Good to see an update BW. Best wishes and I hope everything works out ok for you.

JRocks Thu 09-Jul-09 22:57:03

Best wishes for tonight BW, I hope it was helpful smile

ilovemydogandmrobama Thu 09-Jul-09 23:02:32

Hi -- don't know anything about your past situation. I hope your future at least means that you can move forward; either it works out, or not, but at least you will have given it a fair chance with all your effort and intention for the sake of your children if nothing else.


copycat Fri 10-Jul-09 22:01:33

Hello BW, thanks for making time to update us all. Your poor DDs with horrid horrid chicken pox. You must all be exhausted especially after the upheavals of the past few weeks. I really hope that the girls are completely better soon.

I'm so glad that you and DH are not rushing to try and fix things by slipping back into your 'old' marriage. This is a new and improved relationship that you are building which will incorporate lots of the 'good' from before, of course, but will also have to address and tackle the tough stuff that hurts to hear and say. I hope that your Relate appointments will give you both the opportunity to be honest and open in a constructive way.

Anyway just wanted to say that it's really good to hear from you and we've all got our fingers crossed that things work out well for you and DH in the coming days. A break for your anniversary sounds like a wonderful idea - I hope you can arrange child care for that smile

Dalrymps Sat 11-Jul-09 08:10:27

Sorry to hear the dc have been so ill.

Glad he's stayed this time and you seem to be working through it, it will take time I expect. Hope the relate session went ok. Keep reminding yourself that this was not your fault. He didn't have to react to homelife by having an affair, he could have talked to you instead.

He can list as many things as he wants that were 'wrong' with the marriage but it still doesn't give him permission to do that. Stay strong BW, great to hear from you smile

gero Sat 11-Jul-09 16:13:37

So glad to hear from you BW. The chickenpox saga sounds horrendous. Coming on top of everything else you have been through recently, you have coped brilliantly.
Good Luck with Relate.

AbricotsSecs Sat 11-Jul-09 18:05:02

Message withdrawn

lookingatthestars Sat 11-Jul-09 22:13:31

Good to here from you BW. Hope Relate goes ok. Praying for u both.

silkcushion Mon 13-Jul-09 10:21:57

hope the relate appointment helped

oliviasmama Mon 13-Jul-09 14:04:47

GREAT to hear from you BW and so sorry you've all had the dreaded CP.

Will pop in later, busy busy today but really glad your ok. grin

oliviasmama Wed 15-Jul-09 08:00:22

bump bump bump for BW and friends. Anyone heard anything more from BW?

tribpot Fri 17-Jul-09 07:13:00

Hoping all well with Boilerwoman.

gero Fri 17-Jul-09 21:39:07

BW, hoping all is well and you and DC are happy.

gero Tue 21-Jul-09 20:38:55

Hope you are well and happy BW.

KiwiKat Tue 21-Jul-09 21:18:38

How did the Relate session go, BW?

cheltenhamgal Thu 23-Jul-09 12:57:13

glad to hear you ok, good luck with everything

BottySpottom Thu 23-Jul-09 14:19:49

I hope things are going well BW smile

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