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Its now been 10 months since dh started to work away...

(15 Posts)
shhhh Wed 08-Jul-09 19:38:00

And Im now getting lonely.sad.

He's worked away for years really, on/off. Pre kids he worked abroard for a year, just home at weekends..we were trying for kids so it was hard..BUT I coped.

NOW he is still self employed and his contracts have seen him travelling within the uk. BUT since sept he's been away EVERY week (ok, some weeks its been 1-2 days away, or some its been the week and weekend). I know its hard for him, he's working long hours and is pushed to the limit BUT its never really bothered me till now.sad.

We had a 4 & 2 yr old and im a sahm.

The weeks he's away a few days and other days away sometimes I find it ok him being away, find something to do BUT this week im really lonely.sad.

Im fine during the days, with the lo's we either go to play groups, music groups,swimming,shopping etc BUT its at night that I'm now finding it hard.

The lo's can be a handful so I guess I should be grateful for the peace once they are in bed BUT I find myself missing them and just wanting even their company sad.

Anyone else in/been in the same situation..?

I feel bad moaning as I guess I should be grateful that dh has a job BUT im just finding it all so hard and for what....? Yeah money to pay the bills BUT I want my husbands company..sad.

DLI Wed 08-Jul-09 20:06:23

i know how you feel. since my dh and i have been together (11 years)he has never worked away until recently because he has no other choice. he was made redundant and the only job he got was working away some nights. if it is one night a week i am ok but any more and i find myself lost and going to bed at 9pm! i work part time and find it hard to get ds up and ready, walk the dog and get to work and then do everything when i come home at night. i have even taken up knitting and watching stupid tv programmes i never would normally watch. i think if hubby worked away all week then we would not survive in a relationship cos i coulnt cope.

thats why i am on here!!!!!!!!!!! dh away tonight and ds in bed.

shhhh Wed 08-Jul-09 20:14:45

See, im the opposite. I find myself not wanting to go to bed as once I wake up its time to do it all again sad.

I end up till 11/12 on mn or watching (as you said) rubbish.

I find I can cope with the dk's while dh is away (yeah, there are times its hard)but I find its easier as its just me and them BUT its the being alone I hate. Also, people tend to not venture out at night and their oh are home iykwim...so not many people are up for visiting. Also, its dh I want as company...

trixymalixy Wed 08-Jul-09 20:31:26

My DH works away every week for at least a couple of nights. It was awful when i was on mat leave the first time, I got really lonely.

I then went back to work part time and I didn't mind it so much, i guess because i got adult company during the day.

i have now just started mat leave again (due in 4 weeks)and the familiar loneliness is starting again sad.

DLI Wed 08-Jul-09 20:34:12

i find it easier to manage ds when i am on my own aswell. its strange that - men always seem to make it more hard work when they are at home, probably because they want you to run after them as well!

i try not to think about the next day on a night and i find that works.

my dh telephones me when he is away. usually around 8/9pm. i put ds to bed at 7.30pm and then i have my tea (he's had his whilst i am at work at my mums. we only eat together when i am not at work). i then tidy up and watch the soaps. he rings me and we chat about the day and we are usually on the telephone for half an hour talking about nothing important. when i get off the phone to him i let the dog out for a wee and then get ready for bed, make sure everything is ready for school etc in the morning and then go to bed. i find talking to him helps cos i know he is safe and ok.

shhhh Wed 08-Jul-09 20:34:57

Glad its not just me....
I thought,would work make it better and tbh I don't think it would as would mean I have more to do iykwim..work and kids and its not daytime im lonely..just nights.hmm

Don't think dh realises how lonely im getting.sad

DLI Wed 08-Jul-09 20:38:10

you should tell him, suggest he telephones you, even if its for ten mins for a chat about the day, even if you talk rubbish and about nothing important it does break up your evening.

shhhh Wed 08-Jul-09 20:44:29

dare I say we speak to each other about 20 times a day blush.

I sent him pics of the dk's, tell him things they have done during the day as well as what I have been up to. Sometimes he can't always talk but does get back to me...eventually.

I have kind of said BUT then try and not make it a big deal and also he often talks about how hard it is on our relationship etc BUT I try and brush over it. Just feel he's doing what he can and its a job and not forever..not his choice to work away iykwim...sad

trixymalixy Wed 08-Jul-09 20:53:00

I found working really helped. I almost looked forward to the nights on my own then as I got to chill for a bit.

I don't think it helps to guilt trip them as DH hates it as well, but we don't feel he has much choice at the moment sad.

DLI Wed 08-Jul-09 20:58:14

i think you do really need to say something, its been ten months and you still can't get used to it. My ds tends to be away on certain days so i am can get into a routine but before he could be away at any time of the week and i found i couldnt mentally prepare myself for him being away. now that i know he is going to be away on a monday and wednesday/thursday night i am prepared for it. i now start to find that i prefer him to be away a couple of nights a week because i have a routine.

i think you should consider getting a part time job - a couple of hours a couple of times of week,perhaps in a shop, dinner nanny and ask your parents or other relative to have the children. i know you said it is on a night when you get lonely BUT if you are out of the house for a couple of hours then it fills your day and gives you things to do on a night - your housework instead of during the day. i always find at about 6pm iam counting the time away when i am at home but when i am working 6pm is when i am just getting home and starting on the housework/tea/kids bathed etc so the night goes quicker

shhhh Wed 08-Jul-09 21:16:20

Not wanting to get a job,we agreed I would be a sahm and im happy doing it. Also would mean child care for dd and ds so more money going out.

I do spend the evenings doing chores do can't see how it would help tbh.

TM,you are right in not putting dh on a guilt trip. Its not his choice,nothing local atm..sad.

We are hoping to book a last minute holiday at the end of this contract (unless extended) in aug..think thats what we need. Family time smile.

Oh well...guess I have mn..smile.

trixymalixy Wed 08-Jul-09 21:31:32

I sometime went and stayed with DH when he was away. can you do that every so often to break the monotony?

QueenofSpleen Wed 08-Jul-09 21:34:14

Shhh, not the same I know, but dh works nights and has done for the last 10 years. The first year mine were newborn and 4 and I nearly went crackers (he leaves at 8)
Year two I decided to do something for me, not just the ironing. So I did what I should of done years before, and retook all of my GCSE's that I had got crap marks with. (through ICS) that way I could study of a night time and then go and take the exams once a year, I went on to do A Levels, My degree and I am half a course a way from my Masters.
It sounds hard work, but, I have always been the sort (even now when I work full time in the day) to make sure that all the housework is done before 7 as when I sit down in the evening I am not moving. So by studying it kept my brain from rotting with the lo and stopped me being lonely.

smartiejake Wed 08-Jul-09 21:37:51

I know exactly how you feel. My DH has a crazy job in the city which was involving leaving at 5 in the morning and very late home. He now rents a flast near his work during the week and comes home at the weekends as it was killing him (and his moods were killing me!)

shhhh Wed 08-Jul-09 22:32:57

TM,I have suggested that BUT don't think its ideal as would mean us all staying in one room at hotel and while ok for a wkd break etc its not ideal when dh has work the next day..lo's get so excited and don't sleep lol! Also places where dh goes to they are not always centrally based and a place where there is anything for us to do..

I know im sounding negative, but they are things I have suggested. I think the same, not only would it break the days up but also allow dh time to see the dk's...

atm, the jobs he's doing see him working silly hours...finishing at 4/5am then starting again at lunch.

He was in scotland last month and we were going to join him (my sister has moved there just..) BUT agin hours were stupid and he was travelling so not based so not ideal...

QOS,Well dd starts school in sept and ds may be taking one of dd's preschool days so I will have a free day a week..maybe this may help (if dh still working as he is) and allow me "me" time..thinking of helping out at dd's school or doing a college course or even may just head for the gym (not done in oh.....uhurrmm..years.grin)

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