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Don't want to break up our family but don't think I can make it work

(12 Posts)
confuseddd Wed 08-Jul-09 19:23:31

I've been with DH for 4.5 years, married for 2.5; got a ds of 1.5.

We argue every day. Today it was because I asked him a question about his earnings - had requested to see his P60 in order to update tax credit people. I knew it had arrived and was in envelope on table. I asked if I could open it as wanted to sort it out. He said yes. His pay slips were also in there, so I saw them. I noticed that payslips documented small earnings than he had told me before (I sort out all the finances).

He grew angry and said I was making assumptions. Felt very crushed and misunderstood as I thought maybe he didn't realise (he hates dealing with financial affairs and I always take the initiative - he has debt, I have savings). Very indignant at his anger.

Anyway, the subject of the row is sort of immaterial as we argue about everything. We cannot decide on where to live, whether to have another child. He says I should make all key decisions. This makes me bereft, as I feel alone; and then I get angry and wonder why I stay with him.

He says that I should do something about my self esteem (not good). At work I don't take any rubbish any more, and have found new confidence since limiting contact with my dad, who is emotionally abusive. But my DH suggests I am too sensitive and that I have psychological problems - I don't. He says that I should improve my self esteem but he seems to catch me off guard and really shake my confidence.

I think I want to go home to my mum; what would you do - feel so tired and worn from always battling.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Wed 08-Jul-09 19:28:57

It sounds very much that you are not getting to the real issues.

Your DH is passing the buck by repeatedly telling you the problems are down to your self esteem, yet he wants you to make all key decisions - it sounds like he lacks confidence in himself.

What happens when you try to talk to him about your marriage problems?

confuseddd Wed 08-Jul-09 19:55:30

Thanks for replying meemars

He probably does lack confidence in making decisions (never makes any so seems difficult).

We do talk and make up, but I think he just says whatever I want to hear eg he apologised to me earlier but then later on rehashed it all and said it was my fault. I thought that an apology meant that you accept responsibility, but he doesn't. Therefore, there are incidents from months and years back which still are unresolved.

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Wed 08-Jul-09 20:01:10

If he thought you would leave him, would he consider maybe seeing a counsellor about this? Would you?

It sounds like you could both do with an outside perspective on why you are battling with each other so much, and why your DH is pinning all the responsibiliy on you.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 08-Jul-09 20:02:53

Did you mean his payslip states he is earning less than he has told you?

confuseddd Wed 08-Jul-09 20:10:48

Yes FabBakerGirl.

Maybe we should go to Relate or something. We have discussed the idea, but it galls me to even have to sort it out because I know that he wouldn't arrange it even if I was on the doorstep with my suitcase packed. I am desperate for him to back up his words with some action. It's terrible isn't it - I'm even ready to argue over who is the one to phone a counsellor.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 08-Jul-09 20:13:21

How do you feel about spending your next anniversary with him?

meemarsgotabrandnewbump Wed 08-Jul-09 20:18:24

Can you go and stay with your mum for a break? He says you need to do something for your self esteem? well maybe this is it. Do it for yourself to gain some perspective on your marriage

I feel for you. It sounds very tiring battling with someone who appears not to care.

confuseddd Wed 08-Jul-09 20:41:56

I think maybe that is a good idea, though haven't really wanted my mum to know how bad things have been.

FabBakerGurl - when I think about our next anniversary, I imagine reminding him of the date, booking the restaurant and babysitter, then having a row because he wants the most expensive thing on the menu.

Scorpette Wed 08-Jul-09 21:07:44

I used to go out with someone who said I had psychological problems but I should have better self-esteem (and the former helps the latter how exactly?). Sorry, but that is emotional abuse. And lying about his finances and letting/making you sort everything out and then getting mad with you when you need a bit more truth and info out of him? Not good. Sounds like Relate is the best idea.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 08-Jul-09 21:18:12


confuseddd Thu 09-Jul-09 00:48:34

Thanks for your support. Tonight has been just awful - he went out and bought himself a steak at a new restaurant just opened down the road. Realise that joint finances have not afforded any of the clothes and toys that our ds needs, so have paid for them myself. Another humdinger of a row with insults on both sides.

Hopefully tomorrow will be a bit brighter. Will ring mum in the morning. Thanksx

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