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Should I leave with 4 mo baby?

(17 Posts)
magsthatch Wed 08-Jul-09 08:33:51

Hi, I'm really hoping for some objective advice as I really don't want to talk to friends or family and admit anything is wrong

I have been with DP for about 4 years now. I mmoved in beginning of last year, and shortly afterwards I started wondering if I still loved/fancied him and started thinking aabout other men. Then May last year things were really good for a while, I fell pregnant, and hence now have a 4mo DD.

Whilst things are mainly OK between us and I feel sure he does love me, I just don't know how I feel. I am pretty certain if I hadn't got pregnant we would have broken up, but then who really knows? I have absolutely no sex drive or desire to even have one, and whilst I do feel affection and probably sometimes love, I'm not sure I'm 'in love'. I'm finding having a new baby very tough (as I'm sure most people do) and we are having horrendous nighttimes at the moment so I don't know if this is clouding my judgement. But I keep thinking about whether I should leave and although the thought of having to do this all alone fills me with dread, maybe I would be happier?

I feel trapped though. I left my job when maternity leave started so would have to find another job. We are not married so I have no claim in our house. I have nothing of my own really. If I could press a button and cease to exist I think I would.

Last night was awful, and DP said he'd settle her, but spent ages getting up so I said there's no point in taking so long as he'll wake up fully and take ages to settle. He told me to 'shut the f**k up, t**t'. I'm so depressed that things have reached the level where it seems acceptable to talk to me in that way

I went and slept on the floor in DDs room so had next to no sleep. Just kept crying and thinking how crap my life is

Just don't know what to do for the best, am I being selfish about thinking of leaving?

cafelattefan Wed 08-Jul-09 09:28:01

bump for you

cory Wed 08-Jul-09 10:19:01

I would not make this decision, or indeed any important decision just at the moment. You would be an unusual mother indeed if you were able to feel very much "in love" with your dh when dealing with broken nights and a small baby. Your energy is being used up. Chances are, you would feel exhausted in any case. And I wouldn't take a snapping from a sleep-deprived Dad that seriously either: lots of us mums have snapped at our (dearly beloved) partners under similar circumstances; it's just exhaustion. Sex drives often don't come back until much later, even in very good relationships.

Whether your relationship will survive or not, is not something Mumsnet can tell you. But the fact that you are both miserable and irritable at this stage probably doesn't tell us a lot.

You need to think about the practical stuff. How about taking turns with the night shift and the other person doesn't intervene at all. Perhaps you could even take it in turns to sleep in your dd's room? Also, are you getting a break during the day? Do you go out anywhere, meet friends, have a special time for you? Does your partner take over at any time in the evenings or weekends so you can have a break. IME the secret of getting work out of your child's dad is to let them get on with it and accept that they will do it their way. You learn on the job, and so will he. Just pretend you're not there when he is dealing with the baby.

morningsun Wed 08-Jul-09 10:32:33

Good advice from cory but I do think the basis of an equal relationship is respect and speaking to you like that is aggressive and disrespectful.

It seems that when the chips are down you can't rely on him to be civil,work together and support you.I don't think that is a good sign because it will probably happen again.

Stop thinking about your dh and take steps to look at the future,regaining some independence and support for yourself.

Go with your instinct/feelings it is probably right.

amisuchabadmummy Wed 08-Jul-09 10:39:44

I think you need to talk to him. Its so, so hard with a new baby espec. if your relationship isnt rock solid in the first place.

Tell him how you feel about the way he speaks to you / his input in caring for DD if you feel he's not doing enough and encourage him to talk too.

I wouldnt personally say you dont fancy him/dont know if you love him, but until you talk to him you dont know how he feels.

I left my exP 2 weeks before DS was born and although now I have no regrets, I do wish I had talked to him as we have spoken since and there was so much going on in his head that I had no idea about.

magsthatch Wed 08-Jul-09 12:17:25

Hi, sorry I went off for a nap with DD to try and catch up there. Thanks for all your replies.
Cory, I do get out and about to see friends from NCT most days (though I've cancelled today as just can't face going out). I don't actually get a break though as m y family live really far away and all the friends I have local have children themselves.

It's also hard for DP to do a huge amount as I am still breastfeeding, though I can't wait to give up to be honest. We have been trying to get her to resettle in the night with DP going in but with limited success, and he is getting resentful because he has to go to work. Im resentful because I'm stuck here and I would like the break and normal adult conversation!

Morningsun, that's exactly what it is, respect. He says he does respect me as I have brought this up, but even in the heat of the moment I would never speak to him like that. He has apologised but it's happened a few times before and I've just had enough. I keep telling him we need to be kind to each other when it's so tough, I'm no angel either though and I do get moody with him.

AISABM - I do need to talk to him I know. I just know how the conversation will go, him being really sorry and saying how much he loves me (and I do believe it). It's just me not knowing, I tell him I love him but I always feel like I'm lying

Perhaps I just need to stick it out til she#s a bit older and I've found another job, just finding it all so depressing

Lulumama Wed 08-Jul-09 12:20:53

are you feeding her in the night ? if you are trying to settle without feeding her, then that could be an issue

you say if you had not got pregnant, you don't think you would be together, so it is not like it is just new baby stress taht is making you feel like this

you need to have a heart to heart with your DP and both be brutally honest and you'll soon know if there is a relationship to salvage

lack of sleep is a killer though

morningsun Wed 08-Jul-09 12:35:19

mags ~ trust your own judgement really.

I have spent half my life awake at night,often all night,if not several nights on a row due to work ,I have never been disrepectful/aggressive in that way[or seen men in the workplace do it] so I don't feel we should make excuses for men as if they are lesser beings~it all depends on their personality and attitude.

It is easy to make excuses for men ~ why do we do this?!

I think you were perfectly right to make suggestions in the middle of thenight ~ he has just shown a rather poor side of his personality that's all.

cory Wed 08-Jul-09 20:54:01

I have heard women scream and be disrespectful when they've been really tired out. In fact, I have even heard women screaming disrespectfully at young children. Mumsnet nearly always makes excuses for women on these occasions, more rarely for men.

Wigglesworth Wed 08-Jul-09 21:16:19

Having a new baby that is difficult to settle and lack of sleep is like torture, you are both probably in a bad place at the moment. It is hard, we have a DS who is nearly 1 and he is teething etc at moment and is a real grump and it is all too easy to snap at each other, we do it when DS is going through a whingey stage.
Tell him how you feel and if, like you mentioned, you would never speak to him in that way tell him that also and how you will not accept being spoken to like that.
Have you been depressed since the birth, do you think you could also have PND? Maybe you could see your GP or speak to your HV about it (they are there to help you too).
I wouldn't give up on your relationship just yet talk to him first. I was a little bossy with DH when DS was born and probably did tell him what to do with him (we fell out over it a few times), maybe he feels a bit useless and you touched a raw nerve. I am not excusing the dreadful way in which he spoke to you, just trying to get you to think about what the problem is.
I hope you get it sorted soon, you sound very down sad.

screamingabdab Wed 08-Jul-09 21:17:26

I'm with cory really.

Also, what worries me a bit is the fact you may be depressed. It colours your perceptions (even your memories) , and it does make it hard for you to feel loving. It removes your libido (as does the tiredness).

How is your appetite.?
Are you able to laugh ? Enjoy yourself? Are you feeling anxious ? Are you crying a lot ?.

The answers to these questions will help you decide whether to see a GP about the depression

I am worried that you say you would like to cease to exist sad. I know because I have felt like this before, and it's a sign that you need some outside help.

Is there anyone at all in RL you can confide in. It is no shame to admit how bad you are feeling.

I agree that it is not acceptable to talk to anyone the way he spoke to you, but my DH has spoken to me like that once or twice, and so have I to him, in the middle of terrible nights with DCs. Only you can judge whether this is something that he does a lot, a general lack of respect for you.

wolfnipplechips Wed 08-Jul-09 21:35:22

This is a hard one, i don't want to say that it is alright for your dp to speak to you like this but i am a nasty cow when i haven't slept and have probably said things i don't mean. That aside i can sort of relate to how you are feeling, i felt a bit like this afetr my first baby was born, i really really resented my dp, i had given up my life to be with him and frankly it was shit however for me i had to give it a go as i was the child of a single mum and it was bloody hard.

In the end it paid off, it took alot of work but as soon as it wasn't all about the baby and we were able to spend time together doing fun things we remembered why we were together and dh has turned out, after a very shaky start to be an unbelievably good dad.

Its the feeling of being trapped that is the hard part, weigh up your options and give it some time, make time for yourself. Good luck

MrsMattie Wed 08-Jul-09 21:42:34

Definitely don't leave now. I would only advise leaving your partner this soon after having a baby if there were some sort of dreadful issue like abuse, violence etc. Otherwise, I'd say - ride it out. Think of all other options - counselling, couples counselling, more sleep, more 'you' time, more 'couple time', looking into a new job/re-training when you feel up to it, a holiday...anything (and probably a combination of these things over a period of time) but leaving. I would also think about what it is you want right now. More sleep? More practical help from him? More security (ie. financial situation/house)? More security? What negative feelings are you feeling (feeling trapped?isolated? bored? etc and what are the practical steps you can take to alleviate them?

My life - my relationship - was shit for at least a year after the birth of our first child. Better than it's ever been now, but it took work and it took time.

If it's really not right, make that decision in a clear headed way and plan your exit sensibly. Very unlikely you can do that so soon after the shock of becoming a first time parent.

Good luck x

Jenice Wed 08-Jul-09 22:26:53

Hi Mags

Sending you a hug first.

As for your relationship, I agree with what Cory said. Please don't judge your relationship on the current state of affairs. Having a new baby can put a lot of strain on you both and inevitably nerves get frayed. Me and DP went through a similar phase but thankfully that has passed.

You said you cant wait to give up breastfeeding. My DS is 11 months and I like you was breastfeeding in the beginning so had to be the person to get up in the middle of the night all the time so was very tired. I loved the closeness of breastfeeding but didn't enjoy having sole responsibility for all feeds as expressing was a nightmare. I had the added problem of DS throwing up a lot. Anytime I thought about bottlefeeding I would feel extremely guilty because it is drummed into you that breast is best. Anyway, I ended up doing mixed feeding for a wee while then eventually all bottle and although initially it was hard dealing with the guilt of it I started to realise that breast is only best if it is best for baby AND mum. If its making you stressed then it is not best for either of you.

Post pregnancy hormones mixed with tiredness can make situations seem much worse than they are.

As for sex drive, I have only really got mine back in the last 2 months.

The feeling of being trapped was another thing I felt when I was on leave. I was so used to never being completely reliant on another person before. It is hard to adjust to being reliant on someone else.

Also note that there are a lot of men who feel that they would love to do more to help but don't know how to and when communication breaks down this can become stressful for all concerned.

magsthatch Thu 09-Jul-09 13:35:52

Thanks so much for all the replies, I really appreciate hearing from others who understand what it's like.

I spoke to DP whilst he was at work yesterday and said just how upset I was with the way he spoke. He apologised and said he can barely remember saying it he was so tired. Excuses I know, but he came home with a bunch of flowers so I think he knows he is in the wrong.

We had another awful night last night and he did try to help, but to answer your question Lulumama, I try not to feed her every time she wakes and get DP to settle her as we had some success in the past and got her down to one nightwaking, this has gone to pot now though and she fed 4 times last night, hence why we are both probably both so on edge.

I am stopping the breastfeeding in 2 weeks just to make it to 5 months, more of a pride thing now.

I have thought about PND but sometimes I feel absolutely fine, and I have suffered from depression in the past and don't feel that same cloud in my head I had before. Most of the time I am fine, able to have a laugh etc, it's just the tiredness is making me react in strange ways and I'm getting very angry or upset easily, normally in the middle of the night. By the morning I'm generally OK. But when i feel bad i do think about just leaving and disappearing. I'd never seriously do it, but the thoughts run through my head

I'm not going to make a decision now. I'm hoping that when things do settle down we'll have a bit more time for us and then I can find out whether there are still feelings there. I hope so as I don't want to separate DD and her daddy, but I also don't want her to be the only reason we are together

screamingabdab Fri 10-Jul-09 22:02:02

So glad you replied. And I get what you say about the tiredness - it is enough to drive the happiest person doolally. I also used to think about running away at times !

I have 2 DSs, and the sleep thing alone is enough to put me off ever having another.

I hope that you two can work together to get through this really difficult time

x

thesilverlining Fri 10-Jul-09 22:19:37

nothing special to add just that having a new baby is horrendous in terms of relationships and really- you should not feel alone that you ar efinding things hard at the moment.

hang in there - it does get better around 12 months xx

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