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should i stay or should i go? that is the million dollar question!! please help

(23 Posts)
cantdecide2 Tue 07-Jul-09 14:19:57

Without going into too much detail as its long and drawn out. my p and i have been having problems in our relationship since dd was born. I have 1 other d from previous relationship.
We do not live together as we always end up arguing and everything just seemed to be confrontational all the time.
As a last ditch attempt we decided to go to relate as i had had enough of his moodiness, bad attitude and selfishness and not treating my dd the same as our own.
We have had sessions and to be fair most of the sessions revolve around him and the counsellor questioning him (which is good in a way whereas i feel its not me all the time and im not going mad like the way he makes me out to be)!
Anyways he had been asking me to go on holiday just the two of us to chill and relax and try and get things back on track as we never had a honeymoon period as fell preggers pretty quickly when we met. I kept saying no as i just didnt feel we where the same together and i didnt really know how i could stick him for a week 24/7 just the 2 of us and i have never left my dds.
However last week he convinced me to go and booked it to go in 2 days time as he is really busy working and this was the only time he had off.
Well he organised a youth club event in which my dd went to yest and you could tell he was really flustered and nervous about it going well, which is fair enough, but the attitude from him yest was terrible. my dd fell outside of a wall and hurt her knee and head and she was screaming. A man came over to help and my p friend came out with an icepack for her knee but dp was no where to be seen, apparently too busy tiding things away.
When he rang me afterwards i said to him, did you realise that my dd had fell and really hurt herself and he replied "not my responsibity" I was absolutely livid and hung up. He texted saying why you blaming me on her falling your her parent and i am only responsible for the children between 9 - 12! i told him it just wasnt any kid this was my d and our dd sister! Well the abusive texts started then to say away from him when he is working and that it wasnt his fault. WHO WAS BLAMING HIM, where was his compassion ffs!
I told him i would never accept his behaviour with my dd and thats why i couldnt be with him.
He wanted to talk, came down last night turned into an arguement, intimidated me by coming up into my face and saying dont fucking shout at me and on his way out said no wonder your exs beat the fuck out of you!
I am gutted! I was looking forward to this holiday as have had a shitty year but i couldnt go with his attitude and scared i would be left alone with him being moody it would drive me insane!
he has texted this morning asking was i still going with him and i havent replied. I want to go and have a holiday but i dont think i want to work things out with him anymore as i dont like the person he has become. Was it the stress of this new job yest? or am i making excuses as i have everything bought for the holiday but wouldnt really be true to myself if i went. What should i do????? please help and thanks for reading as it is a long rant! x

MildredRoper Tue 07-Jul-09 14:39:18

'wouldnt really be true to myself if i went'. I think you've answered your own question really.

I think it could be a bit of a disaster and you should trust your instincts.

I once didn't trust my instincts and went on holiday with a boyfriend when I wanted to split up. He guilted me into it and then we decided to split up as soon as we got there. I was trapped and miserable. It was horrible!

Can you go on holiday with someone else?

unavailable Tue 07-Jul-09 14:39:28

I could not live/have a relationship with a man who displays the attitude he has done towards your daughter.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 07-Jul-09 14:42:11

TBH if you go on holiday with him you are saying it is fine how he treats your daughter.

I would be finishing the relationship today.

cantdecide2 Tue 07-Jul-09 14:51:02

he is horrible but there are times he is nice! but i just cant get over the dd bit, he will never treat her as part of "our" family if we ever did live together. He paid for the holiday. I would like to go away with dc but the package holidays are so expensive at the minute and being a single parent its very hard.
Unavailable, he said he didnt know that she had fallen but it was the attitude on the phone when i asked him did he know about her falling and the reply was not my responsibity your the parent!

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 07-Jul-09 15:00:25


re your comment:-

"he is horrible but there are times he is nice!"

Abusive men are like this; if they were awful all of the time no woman would want to be with them.

Also counselling for such men is often a bad idea as they can use this to justify their
abusive behaviour in their own mind.

No more text conversations; do not answer any texts he sends. Do not go on holiday with him either. This is no relationship for you to be in.

cantdecide2 Tue 07-Jul-09 15:09:45

I know your right, i knew i was right before i posted this thread but my heart is broken and i dreamt about us lying by the pool and on the beach spending quality time together and i probably know thats not the way it would end up. Think my head is in the clouds and living in a fantasy world. I am so sad

MildredRoper Tue 07-Jul-09 15:21:04

You poor thing sad. I don't know what to say, really. It's hard to give up on a fantasy, but it did come across quite strongly from your first post that you didn't really want to go. Plus, there does sound a real risk that it would be awful if you did go.

Best wishes to you.

abedelia Tue 07-Jul-09 15:23:50

You would spend all your time worrying about your daughters. Like it or not (and he clearly doesn't), you come with your girls as a package - he can't just dump his own child as and when he fancies.

There are plenty of nice men out there who will take you all as one, without complaint, and who will love the lot of you. Just walk away. He isn't being fair on your eldest, so it's not fair on her to have to be with this man who sadly cares little for her, just because they don't share DNA. Mark my words, this is the tip of the iceberg. if he can be that selfish and uncaring about a child, he's a nasty bit of work and will end up showing you the same attitude.

Spero Tue 07-Jul-09 15:26:44

agree with everyone. That is a really horrible attitude to have towards your dd. However nice he might be about everything else at every other time, that must be the deal breaker.

cafelattefan Tue 07-Jul-09 15:47:55

dont go on the holiday with him. I made the mistake of going with my exh just before we split up. It was awful. It was like being on holiday with a brother..... there was nothing there!. you sound like you would be better off without him. Save your money and spend on you and the DCs instead. Sounds like you deserve it.

cantdecide2 Tue 07-Jul-09 15:50:34

thank you for all your replies, he will be coming soon for dd so i will hand him over the tickets that came today. couldnt even open them

toomanystuffedbears Tue 07-Jul-09 15:57:59

Yes he's radioactive toxic. Don hazmat suit now and clean that mess out asap.

He doesn't see your eldest daughter as a person-to him she is an object. In my mind, that would lead to him abusing her (not necessarily physically) as much as he is abusing you.

So, if you don't leave him for you, then protect your dd, please. See, she doesn't have any say in it: she needs your protection.

Sorry about the holiday, but toxic ones use nice "prizes" as bait. Try not to let your head be spun around by such temporary patches.

cantdecide2 Tue 07-Jul-09 16:25:11

he never came to the door, he text from the car that he wanted dd stuff as he takes her for a few hours, he didnt even get out of the car! I put the tickets in the car seat with the baby I feel sick

Spero Tue 07-Jul-09 16:36:15

so sorry to hear this.

It will hurt but it definitely sounds like it will be for the best.

cantdecide2 Tue 07-Jul-09 17:46:36

it does hurt so much but this has been going on for so long on and off its just absolutely draining! Im sitting here looking at my suitcase half packed and dont know what to do with it and all my lovely new clothes i bought to go, i was picturing me being really glam and having the time to spend on myself without having to get the kids ready first. Just need to get rid of the fantasy in my head, obviously he has accepted im not going and thats why he didnt even get outta the car to get dd to be honest im a bit shocked by his behaviour, i dont know why cause it continued for a while but i suppose the fantasy of a holiday was making my mind run away with me

cantdecide2 Tue 07-Jul-09 18:14:36

I've done it! Ive just unpacked the case and put the clothes back in my wardrobe. Glad its not sitting staring and taunting me anymore angry

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 07-Jul-09 18:37:24

Well done!

Make some plans for the time when you were going to be away and enjoy a break from him.

cantdecide2 Tue 07-Jul-09 19:02:21

i know thats a good idea fbg but its hard to think of things to do now as a single parent again.Even though i have been living without him for months. sometimes i just wanna crawl into bed but i cant as i have dds to think off.

cantdecide2 Tue 07-Jul-09 21:34:50

I am really so so sad now. he just text and asked could he keep dd overnight as he wont see her for a week. He isnt even 1 bit worried that i aint going! He asked could some members of his family keep her overnight when he is away and i said no she will be staying with me! I am so upset but i know its the right thing that i am doing, i would of been miserable. Just shows how much he thought of me and has obviously convinced himself in his head that this is all my fault.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 07-Jul-09 21:39:25

Try and see it as proof you have done the right thing by not going. It is good he wants to spend extra time with DD.

cantdecide2 Tue 07-Jul-09 21:51:26

that has never been a problem with him, i have to say he does do more than his fair share of spending time with her. but he goes in the early hours of the morning and wants me to collect her from his sisters house which i said no as dont really get on with the family anymore cause of everything between us they have taken sides. The tears are just rolling down my cheeks as he just doesnt give a f**k and it has been so easy for him to just switch off.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 07-Jul-09 22:03:19

One step, one day at a time.


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