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Boredom of long term marriages

(48 Posts)
wildandfree Tue 07-Jul-09 09:23:07

Anyone else out there who has been in a marriage a long time and is just so bored of only having had one relationship for so long? God I am just so bored of it. How do other people cope? Most of the options are socially unacceptable but then again, I don't particularly care about social acceptability.

Options: open marriage, secret affair, separation for a period of time to explore possibility of other relationships/divorce/stay in marriage and feel frustrated and bored and tired of sex with same person.

What are other people's experiences? Get on with husband, good companions but just totally bored of relationship. Would be no point at all going to relate. A totally non-judgemental counsellor might help explore issues I guess.

Please don't bother responding with the typical flame-type posts from people who have a black and white view of relationships and think that everyone marries and lives happily ever after.

CountessDracula Tue 07-Jul-09 09:25:54

Have you talked to your dh about it?
What does he think?

TheOtherMaryPoppinsDiets Tue 07-Jul-09 09:32:19

another option: work at it.

Prosecco Tue 07-Jul-09 09:35:42

Think about the reasons you got married. Are they still valid?

If they are, you do what Theothermarypoppins said. Talk to your husband and try to eliminate the boredom factor.

If they are not, you separate and go and have sex with someone else.

OrmIrian Tue 07-Jul-09 09:36:33

wild - not going to flame you as I've had these arguments with myself before now. Ww've been married for 16 years. Lived together 4yrs before that. In fact this is the only significant relationship I've had. He's a decent sort for the most part and we get on OK. Sex is good when it happens although my libido is minimal (always has been TBH). But yes, it does get dull at times. Because the sexual passionate one-to-one part gets dulled by the constant slog of practical family and household stuff. And time takes it toll too. I love DH and I like our life, but I feel I know most things there are to know about him and vice versa.

But the conclusion I came too is that none of your options will work for us. Dh and I are both boringly loyals souls - sex and love go together. The excitment and novelty in our lives has to come from things other than our relationship - we rely on each other for companionship, affection and support. Don't look to your marriage for thrills. Don't look to any other person for that.

noddyholder Tue 07-Jul-09 09:38:12

Talk to him.Would you feel ok about him saying he is bored with you too?Arrange to do things which you both used to enjoy and see if you can re ignite that common ground and remember why you got together.Do you have children?If not you could explore living apart maybe

OrmIrian Tue 07-Jul-09 09:42:23

Might I just add that only talk to him if you are really sure you want things to change. Beacuse once you tell him you are bored of your marriage there may be no way back. Think you hurtful it would be. Could he forgive/accept that? It might precipitate something more than you want.

wildandfree Tue 07-Jul-09 11:20:34

Thaks for all the comments. I have been working at my marriage - that's why I have been married for 16 years. A lot longer than a lot of people. And by the way, you don't have to separate to have sex with other people - radical idea, I know!!! Seriously, perhaps monogamy is totally over-rated, just opening up a discussion here.

Marriage - life sentence?? Sorry, just teasting a bit but people take everything too seriously.

Had many discussions with husband. He accepts what I say/feel. We will be in each other's lives whatever happens.

ABetaDad Tue 07-Jul-09 11:25:09

Well you are not going to get flamed by me either - but I am going to say something that might sound a little bit bonkers.

DW and me have always quite deliberately thrown everything up in the air throughout our marriage every so often and I wonder if it might work for you if you could persuade DH/DP to go along with you? The old adage "a change is as good as a rest" is very true in any long term relationship and works for us. I would not not just tell DH/DP you are bored though but instead couch it in positive terms. The nice, interesting, exciting, loving person inside you both is still there - it just needs to be given a chance to shine through by throwing off the dross of everyday life.

I mentioned on another thread a few weeks back that me and DW strongly feel that life goes in a series of 7 year phases. We have all heard of the 'seven year itch', human grieving takes about 7 years, we know that the passage to adulthood takes 21 years (3 x 7). I have even heard human skin renews every 7 years.

Me and DW have been properly living together for nearly 22 years and we are going through one of those 'throw everything in the air moments' right now. In the last 6 months, I have completely changed my diet and lost a lot of weight, we have both thrown away every stitch of clothing we own and bought new ones, we are moving house over the next few weeks and to a completely new city, we have decided to take 2 days work per week outside the home in new areas (we work 24/7 at home now), and have made some new friends too.

We are deliberately changing every single aspect of our life, its exciting and we feel really happy. Indeed, DW told me the other day she felt like were having an affair and I must admit the old spark has come back in all areas of our life IYSWIM.

Maybe you could throw everything in the air and have an affair with your DH/DP?

OrmIrian Tue 07-Jul-09 11:27:02

Well you see marriage is supposed to be for life. That is the point. I think there may well be an argument to be had on the subject of marriage and it's place in modern relationships. And I think that maybe it isn't really right for the majority of people who want a short term commitment. But marriage is just that - long-term, exclusive.

If you can come to an accomodation with your DH, then good for you. No-one here will pillory you for it if it's done with care and consideration.

noddyholder Tue 07-Jul-09 11:27:15

I think you are looking for a way to have other relationships for thrills while you keep your dh there just in case.It works for some people

OrmIrian Tue 07-Jul-09 11:28:38

What noddy says. If you just want an illicit shag be honest and say so.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 07-Jul-09 11:36:22

I suggest you read this and have a look here as well. OK so a lot of Americanisms but the heart of both the book and the blog is sensible advice on monogamy-free living.

Another, softer option to consider is going to a few swingers' clubs with the understanding that (for the moment at least) neither of you is going to have sex with anyone else, you're just going to enjoy the atmosphere - this works well for quite a few couples in terms of livening things up.

TheOtherMaryPoppinsDiets Tue 07-Jul-09 13:14:51

"Had many discussions with husband. He accepts what I say/feel."


And what does your husband think of it all, what does he want to happen? Do you care? I think I am tending to agree with Noddy

ABD - your life sounds fab grin I think that I am going to show your post to my DH

wildandfree Tue 07-Jul-09 13:27:17

oh tut, tut some posters. temper temper!! You take life too seriously, chill out and get yourselves a lover....!

just kidding!!!!

MorrisZapp Tue 07-Jul-09 13:29:28

Marriage is by it's very nature monotonous. That's why nobody who still wants wild thrills is best advised to enter into it. Marriage is for when you've had enough of all the ups and downs of shagging around and want the sucurity and love of just one partner - this is my own personal view, of course.

It may be that you and your DH are at the end of the road, or it may be that you simply have 'grass is greener' syndrome. Even if you were to shag Brad Pitt, he'd become familiar and monotonous as the years went by and you'd lose the initial thrill.

How would you feel, honestly, if your DH was seeking his thills elsewhere? Some marriages can work like that, some can't.

wildandfree Tue 07-Jul-09 13:31:12

Sorry - think I misunderstood the last post, didn't mean to be sarcastic. Thank you everybody for making the effort to respond. Really appreciate it. Long term relationships are just quite hard work I guess. No perfect answers. But I can't stand the idea of a swingers club. Not sure if I could cope with the guilt of a secret affair.

Apologies for sarcastic outburst, feeling a bit frustrated at the moment....

TeriHatchetJob Tue 07-Jul-09 13:34:44

I've been married 25 years and I'm not bored....

MorrisZapp Tue 07-Jul-09 13:35:19

Well I don't know why you're frustrated. Personally, I find sex with your husband thrilling grin

belledejour Tue 07-Jul-09 13:40:44

A friend of mine & her husband went through similar thing to you (mostly driven by her) and agreed to try extra-marital affairs/polygamous relationship on the grounds it would not affect their relationship. She loved it when she was meeting new men/thrill of chase/excitement of new affair etc BUT BUT BUT hated it when her husband also started seeing someone who it quickly became apparent he really liked as well as finding attractive. She became very insecure and depressed and really struggled with the situation. His affair went on for ages and proved very hard to end. They went through a few really rough years but in the end did manage to put things back together. She said it was like opening pandora's box and letting out pain, mess and misery. Perhaps they didn't really think it through first. And I guess that for some people having sex with someone does lead to emotional involvement...not just extra-marital shagging.

mrsruffallo Tue 07-Jul-09 13:42:24

Can't you try and ignite some passion into your marriage?
There is other stuff you can do to make your life more exciting, it doesn't all have to come down to shagging

mrsruffallo Tue 07-Jul-09 13:42:44

Lol Morris Zapp

TDiddy Tue 07-Jul-09 13:45:17

ABetaDad - I am impressed by your innovative approach. DW would be happy to throw out all of her clothes and my clothes to start again. Just the shopping part would be a thrill.

SGB - can I deduce that some people get a thrill from seeing someone else fancy their partner?

FAQinglovely Tue 07-Jul-09 13:45:22

work at me - trust me grass isn't always greener.

DH and I split after just over 8yrs of marriage. We both had other short term partners. Then a few months ago got back together. We have both unanimously agreed that the grass isn't always greener on the other side and we are now in the midst of a very exciting relationship - nearly 10yrs after we first got married!.

Perhaps you should try relate/

cheerfulvicky Tue 07-Jul-09 13:47:22

I think A BetaDad's idea is great. Also agree about the 7 year thing, I've noticed that in my life and other peoples.

I would love to completely move house and buy new clothes, get a different job etc grin

My own perspective is that, if you love the person you stay. Even if there are some shit things, the love is generally enough to keep you in that situation. Unless the problems as vast, but it sounds like you and DH are quite good friends OP. When I feel like you do, I think about the alternative, following it through to its logical conclusion. Which is usually, as some have said, living in boring monogamous bliss with some other bloke, in my case not the father of my DS. Which would be sad. You're kind of exchanging one thing for another similar thing - in the long run, anyway.

Another tack would be to make every other area of your life apart from your relationship absolutely thrilling. A bit like what ABetaDad suggested but solo, just you. Do work that you love, that excites you and interests you, even if you don't get paid for it. Learn new things, travel, meet people who challenge and interest you. If you find through all of it that you are still linked to your DH and can't imagine leaving him, then great. You have a 90% exciting life, and a husband you love. Or you might find that your world opens up, and there is more to consider, a world where maybe being married is no longer the best option. I think its possible to find out if you should stay with someone or not, have an affair or not, without actually having an affair. You just need to think a lot, and see a lot of life. It gives you some perspective.

Well, that's my ramble of the day blush

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