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just say I were to want to separate from my DH amicably, and take the kids...what would the implications be?

(13 Posts)
ineedascoobysnack Mon 06-Jul-09 22:18:35

we've been in various states of crisis/non-crisis for years now and I have finally feel I have gained some clarity and internal strength and think I am ready to suggest we call it quits. There is no-one else involved on either side (afaik - no-one on mine anyway and no reason to believe otherwise of him).

I am trying to think of a way to do this with mimimum impact on kids/me/him/finances

Money is not flush and we have a fairly big mortgage on a 4 bed house

thinking about it a lot today I came up with the following but would like to know if there are any holes in this plan

I thought I would move out with the kids into a rented 2 bed flat nearby, thus keeping them in neihbourhood, near friend snad school etc and near their dad. He would stay in house and get in some lodgers. We'd probably make enough from the lodgers to pay the mortgage and then could pay for flat for me and kids while we work out whether this is for ever and if so how we split things

If I were to stay in house with kids and him move out I don't think we'd be able to afford it. I wouldn't want to get lodgers in if there with kids and so we'd have expense of mortgage and rent on somewhere for him.

am I mad that this could work? I know people are always given the advice not to move out so wonder what I am missing, if anything...

CarGirl Mon 06-Jul-09 22:20:55

I think it really depends on whether your dh is open to the seperating. There is nothing wrong with what you are suggesting as such.

Curiousmama Mon 06-Jul-09 22:27:20

I did the same as this. I moved out and got help with rent and council tax. The other way round would've been a financial nightmare plus dh wouldn't move. We're friends now.
I think if you can communicate well about it and try not to blow a fuse then it can work.

ineedascoobysnack Mon 06-Jul-09 22:28:32

aaah yes, that minor issue...not sure how to approach him about it actually (especially as he may be about to be made redundant...I may need to wait until after we find that out and he finds his feet again, but meanwhile, I need a plan)

ineedascoobysnack Mon 06-Jul-09 22:31:13

x messages curiousmama - thanks for sharing your experience, glad it worked out for you all. Did you manage to sort out finances ok if you ultimately sold the house? (assuming you owned it - you didn't say. Am just worried what I am suggesting might cause issues further down the line if we ended up divorcing in time...we are both reasonable people, but you never know...

WorldofSab Mon 06-Jul-09 22:36:13

I told my DH on Friday that I thought we should separate The main concern for me is keeping the kids stable - if you can get a flat/house in the same area then that sounds pretty good
Go see a solicitor for a free half hour - they may have some ideas for you to stay in the house that you hadnt thought of? x

rasputin Mon 06-Jul-09 22:38:03

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

confused99 Mon 06-Jul-09 22:41:20

If he had lodgers in the family home would you be happy for the children to sleep there?

Schoolgirl Mon 06-Jul-09 22:48:33

I think you need to think of worst case scenarios here, even presuming that your husband will be amicable to the separation and to you and the kids moving out, which (by the sounds of it) may not be a given.

For example:

1. Where are you are going to get deposit and first month's rent from? You will need duplicate furniture so obviously need to factor that into the equation. Even if you have savings, your husband will need to be agreeable to spending a proportion of that on something which essentially is not to his benefit.

2. What if you can't find lodgers? Or enough lodgers to cover the rent for the family home? Even though you've moved out (presuming your mortgage is joint) you will continue to be liable for the mortgage and therefore if arrears occur for more than three months, repossssion proceedings will commence and you maybe blacklisted credit wise.

3. What if your husband moves family members/friends in and refuses to charge them the going rate? You will be liable for the shortfall despite having outgoings of your own?

4. What if your husband refuses to give you any money towards your outgoings? As soon as you move out, his obligation will be to pay CSA calculated maintenance only. Even so, he could argue that as he is covering your half of the mortgage, that negates any maintenance. That could mean that you find yourself in a position where you continue to be legally liable for a mortgage as well as personally liable for rent and outgoings for you and the children.

And so on...

Sorry to be so blunt but it seems as though the theories don't quite fit the reality at the moment. I appreciate that there is anecdotal evidence that these situations can be resolved amicably and things can work out but in many cases, complications arise, communication falters and people find themselves in financial mire because they haven't thought things through.

If you don't need the family home, why not think about selling it? If your husband is not agreeable, you can actually seek a court order for sale because (presumably) you bought the house with the intention of housing the children which is now unnecessary. You need to think very carefully about how you will finance your new life-choice. Do you work at all? Are you entitled to tax credits? Please don't rely on money/maintenance from your oh - it is not necessarily forthcoming, especially in the early days when bitterness is rife and you may find yourself punished for your choices before you are able to take any legal action.

Perhaps you should see if you could book some Relate sessions - they're not only marriage counselling but also helpful in managing relationship breakdowns and issues like this.

Sorry that I've gone on a bit blush Hope it helps a little anyway and good luck.

ineedascoobysnack Mon 06-Jul-09 23:10:28

I don't want to sell house just now in case we decided we could give it a go again. Also, long term I may want to move out of this area closer to family so don't want to go through hassle of selling house and buying flats straight away. I think he and kids might find it easier if we take this slowly and minimise change. I know on surface this would mean me and kids staying in the house but for financial reasons that would be v tricky. Unless we put him in some dingy bedsit, which I/he would not want to do. I think I would be ok about kids staying here if lodgers in - he would stay in our bed room which is enormous and has loads of room for ready beds for kids in short term. I guess he might move people in and refuse to pay full whack but I very much doubt it, he really is a decent man. I do work so do have money coming in myself, it doesn't feel like enough to support me and kids in a decent flat but I would probably get tax credit if I am on my one income, well, dunno actually. Anyway, thing is it doesn't feel like enough to me but I am sure plenty survive fine on it so I will have to learn to. We can afford a deposit as we have savings, ok he might say no but TBH I have always managed our money and there are many accounts I doubt he even knows the existence of!

rasputin Mon 06-Jul-09 23:15:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ineedascoobysnack Tue 07-Jul-09 08:20:44

hi, am not sure why I said thinking of giving it a go again, we have done that. we've been to many counselling sessions and I always think things will change but they don't. Am not sure he really wants to. I am tired of it now and feeling wearied as it always seems to be me who shoulders the responsibility for thinking about it all/trying to make it better. Maybe he doesn't think there are any issues. He drinks a lot and as long as I don't get too arsey about that he seems happy. However it is having an impact on my life and I want it to stop. But I suppose deep down I find it hard to state categorically this is it, forever. Maybe I should, but I think is easier if we separate and see where that gets us. We have had him living in the spare room for a couple of months previously but more space is needed I think.

the kids are 4 and 7 sad

ineedascoobysnack Tue 07-Jul-09 08:55:12

worldofsab - I hope you feel you are moving on in right direction. How did your DH take it? how are you feeling? good luck

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