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mother daughter relationships

(9 Posts)
inkdrops Mon 06-Jul-09 20:03:44

does anyone else out there have a difficult relationship with their mother?

As I have grown older I have realised that she is very selfish in some of her ways. She does not really get on with my DH (she does superficially but has told him at several family events when she is drunk that he thinks he is better than her?? Totally untrue) She never comes to visit. I had a traumatic discussion about it with her a long time ago and she made the effort to visit with my dad once a week, but it did not last.

We always had a good relationship when I was young. The trouble seems to have started when I had children. She really is not interested in them. It really hurts me to have to admit that to myself. My husband has been saying it for years. My sister (7 years older than me) says that they have never been that bothered about her children either.

During lots of hurtful phonecalls (usually when she has been drinking) she has said that I never visit anymore. (I did used to visit often before marriage and kids, but do not have as much time now. I always visited HER. She only lives 10 minutes drive away, but finds any excuse why she can not come over - does not like driving, does not like to use the bus. I have invited to meet her in town to go shopping etc. She does not seem interested.

It is so sad that she does not seem that bothered about seeing her gorgeous grandchildren. My Dad is also a bit of a let down. He recently posted my birthday car through the door but did not knock on, when he knows i do not work in the day?

I am tired of having the same conversations with her to try to solve the issues but getting nowhere.

I would love a normal mother daughter relationship. Shopping, doing things together with my dcs etc. I feel this is never going to happen. Everything seems too much trouble for her. My siblings also feel the same way.

I suppose I will have to accept how she feels, but I find it hard to even speak on the phone now, and rarely do.

Does anyone else have these similar issues since having children?

HecatesTwopenceworth Tue 07-Jul-09 07:44:01

Yes. My mother's a nut. My and my sister lean on each other to vent grin. We stopped caring. That's how we manage it.

My sister is FAB! She gives it to her straight when she's (mum) being a cow. I'm not quite that brave yet, although I did tear her a new one a couple of months ago (long story).

I think the most important thing is to, as they say, "know your man". Know what she's like, then you won't have any surprises.

And at the end of the day, you can't make someone into what you want them to be. They are what they are. All you can do is be in control of how you feel and act. Don't waste your time wishing x, y, z because it's never going to happen and the wishing only makes you sad. And if someone is totally toxic and it gets to the point where having them in your life is of no benefit to you - cut them loose.

Oh, and don't get involved with those groundhog day conversations. Be blunt. You don't want to talk about it, you've been there many times before and it's pointless.

HappyWoman Tue 07-Jul-09 08:15:08

another one here who has never had a great relationship with my mother - i for a long time wished for the 'normal' mother/daughter things like shopping ect. But i now know it is never going to happen and i have got over that now. At the moment she is ill and although i would like to be able to help with her care i also know that actually she would rather i didnt so i dont feel guilty about it either.

I had a friend who had a similar relationship and unfortuantely her mother died suddenly - it brought up a lot of emotions she didnt realise she had.

I think i have already grieved for the mother i never had and hope that i wont fall into depression as my friend did.

Try not to feel it is your fault - we all have our faults but you cant make your mother into something that she is not.

MamaLazarou Tue 07-Jul-09 09:01:53

Yes, I have a very difficult relationship with my mother, too. She made a lot of bad decisions that put us in danger, and we had a very traumatic childhood as a result.

We get on OK these days, but we will never be close. She tries to cover it up by being very jokey and sarcastic.

I know she wants to make up for the past but I feel it is too little, too late. She wants to be present when my baby is born, but I don't want her there. I know she will be expecting to have the child to stay at her house, but I am not going to allow it.

Extended Thu 09-Jul-09 15:39:29

I had a dreadful relationship with my Mother – now dead – mainly because she would chaperone the canings father dished out rather than stopping them. In her eyes being in the room made what he did to my sister and I OK.

PersonalClown Thu 09-Jul-09 15:45:52

My mother is just basically disinterested in me or anything I do.
It's common knowledge that I'm the chid that'ruined' her life by having me at 18.
My brothers are the golden pair while I usually get ignored or forgotten.
If I didn't have Ds, we would never speak or have any contact whatsoever.
My DP was shocked when he met my best friends parents that that show their love for me more than my own family. I have been Unoffically Adpoted by them!grin

I don't worry anymore. I spent too much of my teenage years trying to please her and never being good enough. I just put my energy into my son and my relationship with DP. Oh and embracing the gothy/rocky side of me that my mother hates!!wink

Wigglesworth Thu 09-Jul-09 16:13:01

My Mum has underlying issues with me that I don't think she EVER admit to even if I confronted her about it. She treated me and my brother completely differently when I was younger. He is 5 years older than me and basically a lazy arse who still lives at home with them (he's 35 BTW), has never had a job for longer than 2 months, hasn't worked for 2 years and I am fairly certain he is fraudulantly claiming money.
He is manipultive and a liar, it's weird because he is funny, pleasant and polite but has this sneaky side to him. He can wrap my parents around his little finger. He has a nice motorbike and a van, fuck knows how he pays for them, he smokes 20 a day and he doesn't pay them a fucking bean. He doesn't help with any housework and he has his girlfriend staying over every weekend and they spend a good proportion of the day in bed. My parents just think it's funny and he's "like that, there's no changing him", it infuriates me when I think of how I was treated when I was younger.
I have worked since the day I left school, even when doing my A-levels I worked. I used to be a full time vet nurse and worked 8am-6pm and then went to work in a nightclub the same night til 3am. When I used to come home from working a half day at the vets, my DB would have been at home all day and all the breakfast dishes would still be in the sink, my Mum would arrive shortly after me and rant to me "why haven't you done the washing up, I am so sick of this". I would reply "he's been at home all day why couldn't he have done it?", she just gave the feeble argument of "your a girl you should help your Mum." He just could do no wrong.
My parents, especially my Mum, think they have this lovely relationship with me, the truth is their attitudes really piss me off. They fuss around me all the time now and are quite overbearing sometimes, my Mum can be very patronising. They would do anything for me and love me dearly but they still treat me like a child and say stupid stuff to me like when DS is offside they say "make sure you look after him now" like DS is a pet they have trusted me to look after whilst they are on holiday or something.
AHHHHHHHHH. Rant over now, that felt good.

Wigglesworth Thu 09-Jul-09 16:16:07

Oh BTW forgot to mention when I lived at home and worked as a vet nurse on £80 a week, I gave my Mum £10 of that, my brother was on incapacity benefit and on more than me and never paid a bastard penny. He always "owed her" his money, it really took the piss.

womblingfree Sat 11-Jul-09 01:26:09

Wigglesworth - don't have the DB issues (only child) but can relate to the patronising business. My Mum will actually phone me at 7.30 in the morning to make sure I've checked the weather forecast and dressed DD appropriately and constantly reminds me to 'keep hold of her' if we go anywhere (cos obviously I'm going to let MY OWN 4 yo DD run off on her own - grr).

She also makes a huge fuss of DD constantly and TBH I feel a bit left out a lot of the time - it's almost like sibling rivalry but with DD.

Having a child of my own has also made me aware of the effect my mum had on some of my major decisions. She had a brekadown when I was a child and has been rather neurotic ever since. It really put me off travelling or going to Uni as I knew how much hassle it would cause and how hard it would be for my Dad.

I think beoming a mother yourself makes you much more acutely aware of your own Mum's 'failings'.

In spite of the above, we do have a pretty good relationship although we are very different, which I guess makes me a bit of a fraud on this thread so will bugger off....grin

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