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Jealous sibling.I am such a bitter twisted bitch.

(25 Posts)
JackBauer Mon 06-Jul-09 19:35:58

Sorry, this may be a long rant but I need to get this off my chest somewhere, so no need to reply.

I have 4 siblings. For various reason I feel like I got the shit deal out of things, my sisters (variously) had their college fees, rent while at Uni paid while I had to work through my degree to be able to live. Some weeks I had teh food/leccy choice but by then my parents couldn't afford to help me so I survived by DH (then DP) putting tenners in my account, even though he was a student too.
My brother gets to go to a top class private primary school and then Harrow, when I went to a private school but had to leave after 2 years as my scholarship ran out and my parents couldn't afford for me to stay there. (at this point my brother was still in junior school, but they didnt want to waste his chance at Harrow by removing him)
Nothing has ever gone wrong for him. He goes to boarding school, parents keep a bedroom free for him, even though the rest of us moved out at 18 and our bedrooms became spare rooms.
He then went to Uni in Oxford (of course) spending a year out travelling the world on my mum's divorce settlement money. He got to go to south america and work in a village for 6 months as mum would support him. I had to get a series of horrible demeaning temp jobs before settling for a job with customs as I had no money.

He then did a masters, and has moved in with his lawyer girlfriend, doing half the week at their flat and half the week at mums at it is nearer his new unni, he pays her no rent though, and she buys all the food. All his shit is still stored at her so that when anyone else goes to stay with my mum they have to sleep on the sofa bed as his room is full of his crap.

He never buys presents or cards unless he happens to see something 'perfect' as a result, DD's rarely get anything from him, I haven't had a present in years and DH has never had a card for any reason, even though he spent 60 quid buying my BIL a playstation controller.
He is already bitching about putting in 200 quid for us to all go somewhere for a weekend before christmas as a family, even though we are saving to pay it, and no-one's hosue is big enough for us all, as it is 'too expensive' He makes up to 500 a week from buying and selling on ebay.

Now he has been offered a PHD in his subject, fully funded. I am pleased but on another level just supremely jealous that every little fucking thing has gone easy for him his whole life. And he doesn't seem to appreciate it at all.

My mum can't see what the problem is as she has money now that she didn't have when I was studying (an inheritance) so she can afford to support him, just like she could afford to support all my sisters at various times. My other sister got free childcare from her for ages and then has a go at me because I am a SAHM, even though I don't have the support she had.
It also doesn't help that my brother is the only child my father didn't lay a finger on, so I have unresolved issues with that.

I am just pissed off with them all right now and havign a rant, and probably PMTish.
Gosh, that was a bit of a rant, and reading it back I am a complete heartless bitch. I have congratulated him so he has no idea I feel like this. But I do feel better for having got it out of my system, thanks.

LaurieFairyCake Mon 06-Jul-09 19:41:05

you are not remotely heartless

you are suffering from the utter shite-ness of middle child syndrome

really, really sorry for you sad

JackBauer Mon 06-Jul-09 19:41:10

Hmm, nowhere in that have I put that he is actually lovely, really likeable, just a bit, well, shit at some things. And not very streetwise/caring of others feelings.

But I do love him. Most of the time.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 06-Jul-09 19:44:21

It is very hard to bear when you feel like this.

Well done for congratulating him.

You are probably a nicer and wiser person as a result of doing things the hard way!

I think you have got to get these things out of your system before you become bitter.

HumphreyCobbler Mon 06-Jul-09 19:46:34

actually you sound lovely, just understandably upset

JackBauer Mon 06-Jul-09 19:47:44

Thanks Laurie, it just sucks that I had my shit time during my mums worst time.
I had depression and basically didn't leave my scuzzy bedsit for 2 months (through agoraphobia - couldn't be around large groups of people so lectures were out) apart form taxis door to tesco and back again. I went on antid's and managed to scrape my exams and then moved cities to live with DH.
My mum didn't even know how bad it was as she was divorcing my abusive father at the time. I don't blame her (much) as she had a shitload from him, and left him once she found out he had beaten us all our lives (she thought it was just smacking) amongst other things so had her own shit to deal with, and now she has new job, owned house and inheritance she has money to support my brother, but where was my support.

(Set me off again, sorry)
I do appreciate that 1 person thinks I am not a bitch. DH agrees with you but he is somewhat biasedsmile

JackBauer Mon 06-Jul-09 19:50:06

Thanks too HUmphrey, much appreciated.

That is what DH says, that he hasn't had the shit so doesn't treat people properly IYSWIM. He also says one day it is going to crash down on him like a shit bomb, but then DH finds it all very unfair (have been together 14 years, so he knows all the ins and outs)

JesuslovesCatholicSchools Mon 06-Jul-09 19:50:18

has your brother got kids?

LaurieFairyCake Mon 06-Jul-09 19:53:02

I also think that being appropriately angry at your mother would be a good thing. It sounds like your needs weren't met.

I'm not suggesting you go round and poo on her step but instead express your (quite justifiably) angry feelings to yourself, your friends, your dh, your therapist if you have one.

Your needs as a child and as a young adult weren't met - and you can be very sorry for the girl who suffered that.

some very un-mumsnetty {{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}

HumphreyCobbler Mon 06-Jul-09 19:57:13

It seems as if you feel less loved than your brother. I am sure that this is not actually true. In your post you explain that it was circumstances that made such a difference in her treatment of you and your siblings, but knowing it obviously only takes you so far.

Is there any way that you could have a frank conversation with your mother? Explaining how bad it actually was for you? Is she the sort of person who could cope with that, or would it result in a row?

JackBauer Mon 06-Jul-09 20:01:33

Jesus, he is 25, no kids, his girlfriend and he are very, very sporty, she represents the country at amateur level as well as being a trainee lawyer, I don't think kids is on teh agenda TBH.

My mum freely admits to making it up to me now she can afford to and accepts that I got a somewhat shit deal.
She has taken us all on holiday with the inheritance money, she paid for DD's and I to go to Tunisia all inclusive for a week with her, she sends me random things and whenever I see her she hides money in my wallet or stocks my fridge/freezer. but it doesn't take awy the simmering resentment I feel everytime something goes well for him and he pulls the 'oh what? little old me? well I am shocked'
and I just want to slap him.

Am loling at 'poo on her step' though, thankssmile

it is really helping me to get all this out BTW, saying it to DH doesn't count as he likes sex, so woudl agree with everything I said anywaywink

JackBauer Mon 06-Jul-09 20:05:22

xposts with humphrey there, she has admitted it to me herself, it wouldn't lead to a row, but she knows it already, so would be a bit pointless.
In all honesty it's not that I feel less loved, just that I resent that fact that he gets everything he wants so easily, when I have had to struggle for everything I have wanted.
God, am I glad I didn't put this in AIBU!

JesuslovesCatholicSchools Mon 06-Jul-09 20:06:15

I think you know why i ask grin

i think you need to wish TWINS UPON THEM
mwaaaaahgaaaaaahaahaaa

they have the shit to come - by which time your kids will be older - you will be very together and all so superior

mrsboogie Mon 06-Jul-09 20:13:35

I don't think you are heartless either - its totally understandable that you feel this way HOWEVER by allowing this resentment to simmer you are letting it have a detrimental affect on your life and actually prolonging the unfairness of it all.

The thing is, like that song says, sometimes you are ahead in life, sometimes you are behind. Don't be envious or bitter - odds are one day he will be on the receiving end of some shit while your life is smelling of roses. This is what I tell myself anyway wink

helsbels4 Mon 06-Jul-09 20:14:30

I can see why you're upset completely but it does sound as if your mum wasn't in such a position when you really needed it, to help you - unlike your brother! It sounds as if your mum is trying to set things a little straighter now as much as she can.

I wouldn't be able to be so polite to your brother and would probably have it out with him but that's the sort of person I am blush

Heated Mon 06-Jul-09 20:15:05

I understand, a little. Am the older child, mostly state educated and supported myself through uni, took loans & paid them off myself etc whilst my younger dc was funded through uni, after private school, had credit card loans (wtf?) paid off by parent. Double standards for sure. Firmly believe you will have acquired admirable qualities that your indulged younger brother will not have & you have more justification for being pleased with what you have achieved because you worked for it.

Heated Mon 06-Jul-09 20:16:09

that should of course say my younger brother

WinkyWinkola Mon 06-Jul-09 20:19:04

You're not heartless! In fact, given the background the fact that you're still pleased for your brother's acheivements makes you lovely. I'm not sure I'd be capable of wishing him well.

Some people are really really lucky. I know one person like this for whom the sun always shines.

But you need to talk to your mum about this particular issue - you weren't treated fairly as a kid. You were made to feel that you and your needs weren't as important as your brothers.

Write it all down. Clarify your thoughts. Eliminate any bad feeling directed towards your brother in your writing. Then, once you're clear in this respect, perhaps you could approach your mother with your writings or verbally.

Meanwhile, don't forget to pull your brother up on his pointedly lacking behaviour - he may be the Golden Boy in his mother's eyes but that doesn't mean you can prod him and tell him he's being shite/tight/self centered all his life. That's what siblings are for after all - to ground each other a bit.

TsarChasm Mon 06-Jul-09 20:21:32

Blimey all that'd upset me too sad

I can't understand it when parents don't treat children the same when they're growing up.

Dh was sent off to boarding school whilst his brother was kept home and went to an expensive private school.

Mil loves to go on misty eyed how she always treated them the same (she never has).

I just sit there and grind my teeth. Sometimes dh didn't even have enough to eat at school fgs, not that she seemed to know much about what was going on with him at that age hmm.

Hassled Mon 06-Jul-09 20:26:47

There are always some people who seem to trip through life with the sun shining down on them and nothing but good fortune. They are usually the people who are the least aware how lucky they are.

It does sound like you've had a very raw deal by comparison to your siblings, and the fact there's nothing you can do about it must really grate. You don't sound like a twisted bitch - bitter, yes, but that's understandable. You have to let it go though.

WinkyWinkola Mon 06-Jul-09 20:35:05

I meant, you should prod him and tell him he's being rubbish.

JackBauer Mon 06-Jul-09 20:41:29

Thanks guys.

Jesus, I am firmly holding that thought in mind, I know they both love kids but it's not in plan yet, so yes, I will have lovely kids ready to leave home and they will have tantrumming toddlers....

I am the only person to have proper bollocked him last year when he didn't buy mum a christmas present, and then called her at 7am to tell her this. Twat. I shouted so loudly (and sweraingly...) at him that his GF's parents heard every word, and DH had to take the DD@s out to teh garden. So he won't get away with it again.

I do agree though, now I have read all thsi back, and your advice/comments it isn't just him, I don't feel this way about my other siblings, but they are all older, I think it's more that I can see it. I do need to have a chat with my mum though, and just hold firm that sometimes this is just the way it goes.
Thanks guys, really has helped, a lot more than I thought it would TBH, and I am beginning to look at the whole situation slightly differently.

skihorse Tue 07-Jul-09 08:11:22

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

I had a little cry last night because all my life I've been fighting to pay the bills whilst my sister flits from living with my parents (rent free of course!) to lying on a beach in Thailand.

It makes me very angry that so many women are so very biased towards one child. I actually cried last night when reading a post on another forum about a woman whose eldest is fighting a brain tumour. That's not what made me cry - what made me cry is her own admission that she has another daughter, but it's the ill one "who is the light of life, who makes me want to get out of bed in the morning, without her I'm nothing" yak yak yak. Don't they know we feel this? How much it hurts us?

I don't know what the real answer to any of this is - only to tell you that there are others who have experienced this unfairness. x

auntyitaly Tue 07-Jul-09 14:52:10

You are not, not, not heartless. Or being unreasonable to mind - in the slightest. Anyone normal would. Life has been very unfair on you - let's hope something decent turns up soon.

If I were you, I would forget about all this tho' because you can't change the past and brooding will just make you feel awful.

And I would also wait until you want something pricy and ask Mum for a contribution. Explain calmly and brightly that you had the rough end of the stick for some time, and now things have been better for a while, you're sure she would want to make sure everyone in the family benefits - ie all 3 of her children.

Good luck.

AxisofEvil Tue 07-Jul-09 15:04:19

I can certainly see why you feel hard done by here but I would make two points.

First, the mismatch in treatment is not, repeat not, your brother's fault. He was the beneficiary of better times when he was at the right ages. Please don't try and blame him because you had it hard. To be clear though I don't mean you shouldn't pull him up if he behaves poorly now e.g. with not buying Christmas presents.

Second, whilst he may have had breaks, don't forget that Oxford/Masters/PhD will not have been handed to him on a plate. Yes he had advantages in going to a good school but even so he will have worked really hard to get his qualifications so do please bear this in mind. I didn't have his kind of schooling but I've done really well and it totally grates with me when people say I'm "lucky" to get my qualifications - yes I was lucky in that I was born bright etc but I worked massively hard to get where I am today.

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