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why do good men look at porn?i dont understand male physche.......

(143 Posts)
freya555 Mon 06-Jul-09 12:52:19

I posted y- day re fact that my Ds looked at porn after we had our child- I got some really supportive advice and we are going to councelling which is important- i do understand that he did it becos he was feeling lonely.However what I dont understand is WHY men do it - i dont think i understand men ! .One person said that it was prob no big deal to him but to me its offensive and makes me feel now that im like an objject when we have sex - and that if a guy doesnt get sex with a real woman then turning to just a picture makes me feel like i just serve a function - does that make sense.?ie if he doesnt have the real thing hey ho an imae will do and it makes me feel yakkkk! he doesnt do it now but its imbedded in a bit which is why we are going for councelling but in meantime any advice re male mind set as i just feel rather niave!!

freya555 Mon 06-Jul-09 12:55:53

ps apologies re my rushed typing and spelling im always like this when typing - it not my thing !!

MamaLazarou Mon 06-Jul-09 12:56:26

Why do men like porn? Because men enjoy wanking, and like visual stimulation.

freya555 Mon 06-Jul-09 13:02:01

Thanyou for reply- u seem to be able to say that without judgemnt - i wish i could and that it doesnt threaten me and our relationship- i guess im insecure but the idea of him doing that and sex with me just feels threat to me - yes i am insecure!!!!but how to feel better?!.Thanks for answer

MamaLazarou Mon 06-Jul-09 13:07:16

Yes, I say it without judgement, because I don't see anything wrong with it (as long as the porn doesn't involve rape fantasies, children, animals, etc).

Your DH probably doesn't see porn as an alternative to sex. It doesn't change how he feels about you, it's just a mechanical thing that he enjoys doing from time to time in order to relieve tension. I doubt very much if he compares you to the women in the magazines or on websites. Men often wank over things they would never normally enjoy in real life.

freya555 Mon 06-Jul-09 13:19:18

Thanks for your reply -i am really grateful - what i dont understand when you say it doesnt relate to me is - if he felt lonely in our relationship and wanted to be closer to me but felt at time cdnt be- in what way was doing that a solution ?if it was something seperate ,then why did he do it to amke himself feel better when the thing that made him feel sad was lack of emotional connection to me it just feels like he was having a snack when he could have a three course meal with a real woman!!!do you meant it is sometinhg different to sex entirely for men?I must add ive had quite a sheltered life and i find male sexuluality confusing if not a little scary!

limonchik Mon 06-Jul-09 13:27:05

You know, women look at porn too, it's not some weird and specific part of male sexuality! I think it's part of human sexuality to enjoy seeing other people having sex.

AMumInScotland Mon 06-Jul-09 13:28:32

Please don't worry that your husband will think of you as an "object" during sex, just because he occasionally uses pornography. Men, just like women, really enjoy sex best in a loving relationship - you're the "real thing", and anything else is just a pale imitation.

But men often have a high sex drive, at least higher than that of a woman who has recently had a baby, and so in between his chances with you, he may also want it more often. And so he turns to masturbation and pornography, as a "release" from the feelings of wanting you and not being able to have you (either because you aren't so keen, or he doesn't want to be demanding when he knows you're tired)

It's not that it's a solution to things he'd like to change in your relationship, it's just a way to deal with an immediate "problem" with a quick & easy "solution".

GypsyMoth Mon 06-Jul-09 13:34:46

What do you mean by 'why do good men look at porn'??

Do you honestly think only bad men should view porn? Your dh probably will look at it again in the future,thats when he gets over the fact you've dragged him to counselling for doing something normal!!

MamaLazarou Mon 06-Jul-09 13:37:07

"You know, women look at porn too, it's not some weird and specific part of male sexuality!"

Of course they do - very good point! Some couples even enjoy looking at it together.

sweetkitty Mon 06-Jul-09 13:38:27

Men are visual creatures they like looking a porn and having a wank, I think of it as having a good scratch of an itchy back, something that feels nice.

Completely different to having sex with me, I know he does it he doesn't flaunt it and thats fine.

Overmydeadbody Mon 06-Jul-09 13:46:51

I agree with IloveTIFFANY, do you assume only "bad" men look at porn?

What makes a man "good" as opposed to "bed" anyway? How strange.

As someone else said, women look at porn too, and lots of them are "good" women.

To a certain extent sex is just a function, loving couples are just mutually using each other for pleasure. That doesn't make it a bad thing though or make you just an object.

Porn is just visual stimulation for wanking. Nothing wrong with a bit of wanking.

Overmydeadbody Mon 06-Jul-09 13:50:03

Why doesn't he do it now? Have you stopped him looking at porn?

Poor guy.

lowenergylightbulb Mon 06-Jul-09 13:59:59

I've spent half an hour this morning reading a mucky book' and having a lady wank. I'd be really fucking pissed off if my husband tried to 'ban' me from doing this.

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jul-09 14:00:46

I completely agree with MamaLazarou

freya, love, it is common and in most cases just a cheap thrill that has nothing to do with your relationship

it is only a problem if you let it become one

have you talked to him calmly why him doing this makes you feel bad? If you act offended or disgusted he will only become defensive, and to be honest, I wouldn't blame him if he carried on regardless. In my opinion, he has nothing to be ashamed of, and trying to ban him like a naughty schoolboy is not going to be helpful

do you have sisters/friends that you could ask to see what their experiences are?

you are not alone in feeling upset that he has done this, but it needn't mean your relationship is under threat

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jul-09 14:01:52

woo-hoooo LEL

you go girl !

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jul-09 14:04:45

I enjoy a little "me time" myself every once in a while wink

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 06-Jul-09 14:06:17

Message withdrawn

SolidGoldBrass Mon 06-Jul-09 14:06:49

Freya: have you considered looking into erotic material that is female-friendly? Such as Scarlet or Filament magazines, or Petra Joy films, or Black Lace novels? This might help you appreciate that many people like erotic material (words and pictures) and that, while some erotic material is crude or shocking to some people, not all of it is - and that there is nothing at all wrong with liking to fantasize or be stimulated by visual/written material.

RumourOfAHurricane Mon 06-Jul-09 14:07:25

Message withdrawn

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jul-09 14:08:23

me too shiney, I bet he feels like a whipped dog !

gagamama Mon 06-Jul-09 14:17:22

Until I joined MN I had no idea that so few women watched porn, and even less so that so many women had a problem with men watching porn.

I understand the arguments about degrading women (and I agree, to an extent) and of course any relationship where either partner would rather watch porn alone than have sex with their partner obviously has problems. But there is a lot of good, free, amatuer porn on the internet <coughxtubecough> and some of it is really rather good, enjoyable even. Normal people filming themselves having normal sex and thoroughly enjoying it. I don't think watching it makes anyone a bad person.

Surely we all (and I speak as a woman!) sometimes get a bit horny but can't or don't want to have actual sex for whatever reason?!

SolidGoldBrass Mon 06-Jul-09 14:22:39

Well (I am surprised the usual suspects haven't popped up to air them already) there are objections some people have to porn on the grounds that some porn performers may be unwilling/victims of exploitation etc. THis may be the case sometimes but not all the time. There is plenty of stuff that is non-exploitative and which carries positive social messages (ie sex is nice and pleasure is good for you) as well as being exciting to view/read.
And dragging someone to counselling who doesn;t have a problem is not a healthy way to address a difference of opinion.

aRLcat Mon 06-Jul-09 14:23:35

I discussed this with a sexual psychologist once. She was of the opinion that many men in partiuclar are almost addicted to the rush of orgasm (hormones mainly leading to this state of mind). That release alone is what they seek and so use porn to do so because visual stimuli is necessary for most men (which she regarded as pathetic, amongst other things grin)

Sex with another human is a different thing, you hit the nail on the head a couple of posts ago. This is the whole, loving, fulfilling experience, which porn isn't, it is just a means to an end.

He may have used porn as a quick fix to meet his physical/hormonal need for release and if your views on porn are very strong it's understandable that you find this difficult to deal with.

If porn were removed from the equation, would you feel entirely comfortable with him masturbating alone to meet his needs? If so then do try to remove it from the equation.

The brief objectification to attain gratification has absolutely no reflection on how he views you or intimate moments between you, the woman he loves. Because of his hormonal and psychological make up he may well find it difficult to grasp your perspective too.

Whereas men generally sustain a reasonable libido, regardless of ups and downs of life, women's libido can trail off and reduce to nothing according to emotional or physical turbulance, yet the more sex women have, the more they tend to need to remain generally satisfied (as opposed to gagging for it wink).

Freya, we as women have the upper hand in the area of sex and satisfaction! We tend to have the capacity for imagination which means we don't have to place ourselves in what some would consider a questionable moral position (i.e. use of porn) to meet our needs unless we choose to.

Our libido's tend to respect the state of our life at any given point, while men have little choice but to meet their body's demands regardless.

I hope you both succeed in working through this together.

stripeypineapple Mon 06-Jul-09 14:34:31

Counselling because he had a wank with a bit of porn?

Wow. You're kinda hard on your fella lady.

You need to relax, wanking feels good, for him, for you, for all of us and if he likes porn then why can't he look at it? Who are you, his mother or his wife?

I know my DP watches porn, I don't mind one bit. If I'm asleep or not in or not available or whatever and he fancies a wank I wouldn't expect to subdue his feelings I would hope he enjoyed himself and if that includes porn then good for him.

It's something entirely separate from when we have sex which is about the two of us and has love involved.

You need to get some perspective.

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