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I don't really like sex but feel like I should do it for my husband

(38 Posts)
3missys Mon 06-Jul-09 10:25:37

Ok, I really don't know what has happen DD1 is 3.8 years and DD2 is 2.3 years. I am married to my husband for the past 5 years and known him for 10 years and I really don't wish for sex.

The thing is I have never really had a great libido whereas my husband has. I have experimented with lots of things over the years so I'm no prude but to cut straight to the point if my husband and I never had sex again i really don;t think I wouldn't be upset. I am a very emotional person and my husband and I get on well. We always kiss and cuddle but for me that is fine. Every now and again I would love for us to just have foreplay and then leave it as that but off course he wants to have sex which I just can't be bothered with. sad

I know my husband watches porn which has taken me a time to come to terms with but now I let him watch it (and at times we have watched it together).

I feel sometimes I just have sex just so I can't start the counter again and tick it off the list which upsets me to think like that.

I have tried some libido enhancers which don't do anything and we have time alone on a regular basis so I really don't know what else to do?

sorry for the long winded question but I need your help!

aaaggghhhh Mon 06-Jul-09 10:27:32

i hear you- there are lots of us who feel this way

3missys Mon 06-Jul-09 10:30:40

Really?? I knew I wouldn't be the only one but you do when you feel really crap when you can't please your husband and enjoy yourself and actually want to do in the first place!

PlasticQueen Mon 06-Jul-09 10:30:42

How is the rest of your life? Are you feeling at all depressed? Do you have lots of out of the house hobbies?

My libido starts to wane when I am feeling run down and stuck in a rut. I have to make sure I do tons of exercise and do lots of things like classes, seeing friends and stuff to get it back.

3missys Mon 06-Jul-09 10:35:45

I don't really like exercise, well I can't stick to it for long.... but I go out with the girls during the week to various places and see friends. I work 3 nights a week so fitting sex in to our week is tricky also. My husband watches porn on 1-2 of those nights while I'm at work.

I wouldn't say I'm depressed just depressed about my lack of sex drive.

rasputin Mon 06-Jul-09 10:53:01

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlasticQueen Mon 06-Jul-09 10:55:30

I think that the exercise thing and the sex thing are linked, really. You are not that keen on either at the moment.

I know you are busy, but exercise may be the key to solving this problem.

aaaggghhhh Mon 06-Jul-09 10:55:52

Is it not just the case that some of us srent botheres about sex? why does there have to be a problem?

i love dh
think he iis attractive
lke him
etc etc etc

but dont have any urges ever.

rasputin Mon 06-Jul-09 10:58:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

3missys Mon 06-Jul-09 11:02:47

I have considered rasputins question and I think he is attractive, I so love him but I just not keen on sex with him but doesn't mean I am not keen on him.

I've never really been keen on exercise and to be honest I really don't think that will change plus without it sounding like an excuse I really don't have time to exercise on a regular basis.

I agree with you aaaargggghhh. Are we normal to just not be bothered with it???? The problem is though we are in a relationship and the other half wants to be bothered with it....

aaaggghhhh Mon 06-Jul-09 11:04:10

i know!! My dh is very good and doesnt 'bother' me very often tbh. i know he too watches porn but this is to be expected whether we have sex with them or not .

ABetaDad Mon 06-Jul-09 11:27:36

3missys - I just posted on the other thread about dealing with this issue.

At the time our children were 2 and 4 my DW certainly had lower libido than me but over the last few years my libido has been almost zero due to illness. Mismatching libidos is a source of unhappiness. No doubt about it. I and DW are happy now so I am sure there still can be a happy outcome for you no matter how you feel right now.

I do think physical excercise might well increase your libido, getting a lot more sleep, taking vitamins and eating really well with a complete change of diet has been a huge help in increasing my libido. Making sure DH does his fair share of the house work too (if he does not already) will give you more time to be alone together.

There are also of course many ways you can enjoy intimacy up to the point of foreplay but that still allow DH to enjoy sexual release more frequently and remove some of the tension from your relationship. I do think that penetrative sex is far to often seen as the only option and that is often a part of the problem. There are many other ways of enjoying intimacy and I found that exploring those opened doors to enjoyment once the pressure to perform has been taken away.

You do not have to do anything you do not want of course. You can leave things as they are if you and DH can live with it. However, you may be surprised to find DH is very unhappy watching porn and desperatley wants to find a better solution but does not know how to begin the conversation with you.

Finding that solution does involve you telling him exactly how you feel though and working with each other to find a happy outcome. Does DH truely know how you truely feel? Do you truely know how he truely feels? Next time you do have sex, afterwards once the tension and pressure has been released, it might be a really good time to talk to DH.

What I do think is that it is not good to carry one simply avoiding/enduring sex if DH wants a full sexual relationship. Much better to try and deal with it in a way that can make you both happy. You have a whole life to lead together and you both deserve to be happy.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Mon 06-Jul-09 12:02:33

It's not abnormal to have a low, or no, sex drive. However, you need to find a partner who has a similar sex drive, or you will encounter problems. The interesting thing for me in what you say is that you would like to stop at foreplay - so you enjoy foreplay? Do you orgasm? Is there a reason why you don't want penetration? Could be tiredness, lack of stimulation, or something deeper (physical or psychological). For me, I have to feel relaxed and open with my DH to enjoy penetration. Also, when I'm tired or lazy, I just lay there (after some foreplay I mean, and I'm satisfied) and let him finish off quickly, he doesn't expect any gymnastics and it's very easy. Could you try that, if you enjoy the foreplay and he enjoys the penetration? Or simply stop at foreplay? If you are both satisfied then there is no problem with that.
If you find it uncomfortable, you could experiment with some lube, or go to the Gp to check there's nothing physical wrong.

In my opinion, there are people who genuinely have no sex drive, but in the majority of cases like yours it's likely to be something emotional or physical that's getting in the way.

pleasedontlaughbut Mon 06-Jul-09 12:04:01

3missys I think rasputin may have a point about the vicious circle regarding porn, because I got into that one with my ex - everything I read and he said made me feel I had no right to object so I came round to the idea but the resentment (along with other issues) made me feel violated when we had sex and switch off physically. It's as if I switched off my sexuality when I switched off my true feelings about his behaviour.

With dh he thinks porn is great like most blokes but he also thinks it's fair enough if I don't want him to use it and that's really helped the way I feel towards him.

The more you push yourself to feel sexy the less you can, then you end up faking, then you feel about as sexy as a loobrush. Believe me, I know.

I find the biggest problem is there's so much swirling round about how women OUGHT to look, feel, act etc. sexually you never get a chance to relax and just BE for long enough to get into your body properly - even when you're told to find out what turns you on there's an implicit pressure to get yourself "fixed" as soon as possible so you can fulfil your man sexually.

But sometimes it just isn't first in our minds anyway - I want to have sex and be sensual with my man, yes, but right now I want to chill out with a cuppa and read a good book and get some sleep more than I want anything else in the world!

baby complaining, just to underline the point...

ABetaDad Mon 06-Jul-09 12:22:37

pleasedontlaughbut - I do agree with you about porn. In fact, I would go as far as to say I think it could eat away at and undermine a relationship. As Rasputin says it could be a viscious circle. I personally just do not like the idea of it at all.

I know some people don't mind and some couples actually enjoy it togther but I think in some cases it is used to avoid dealing with issues. I don't think it is a solution and especially not if the other person in relationship is upset and offended by it. I know others will disagree but just my view and am not making moral judgements.

3missys Mon 06-Jul-09 12:35:32

Thank you so much for the replies. It does help to talk it over with others.

The porn was an issue (I first found him looking at it when I was 8 months pregnant with our first) - it upset me deeply. I found him looking at it 3 times after that and then I just came to the conclusion that I would rather him tell me honestly rather than looking at it in secret as it was the secrecy that I didn't like most of all. As I said I watch some porn with my DH but hand on heart although I say I don't mind I would prefer he doesn't do it as I know it is just the "SEX" men watch but it almost makes me feel that I can't please my husband so he looks at porn instead.

I know I've got to be honest and talk to him like abetadad said but DH isn't very emotional and gets touchy when I skirt around the sex issue.

DH is so lovely in everyway, great with the kids, housework, gives me child-free breaks etc and I feel I should be able to enjoy frequent sex with him but just don't.

I actually cried last night after having sex with how awful is that. sad

3missys Mon 06-Jul-09 12:38:19

kat2907 thats pretty much what we do do when we do it. I orgasm through foreplay and then he finishs off through intercourse, however it is the feelings of not wanting to have intercourse with what I am struggling with - why??

3missys Mon 06-Jul-09 12:39:52

^The more you push yourself to feel sexy the less you can, then you end up faking, then you feel about as sexy as a loobrush^ quote pleasedontlaugh

How true is that!

sincitylover Mon 06-Jul-09 12:52:50

Once I have come I'm not that interested in carrying on either(think this is fairly standard) so couldn't you start intercourse before you have come IYKWIM.

So could it be a 'technical' issue as well as an emotional one.

In some positions you can combine foreplay (ie rubbing of clit and boobs) with penetration. Hopefully then everyone's a winner. grin

fatslag Mon 06-Jul-09 13:02:36

I read somewhere that humans are the only animal species who attempt to pursue their sex lives after their reproductive period is over. In nature, once the female passes reproductive age, sex stops. Now I know that we "decide" that our family is complete rather than having a baby every year until the menopause puts an end to it - but it does strike me as somewhat normal for libido to diminish once the "We want a baby" motivation has disappeared.

Most of my female friends agree with me that once you have small children, sex is just lower on the list of priorities and sleep is much higher. In my informal survey, some say it gets better again once the children are older and no longer jumping on you every morning at 6 a.m.

I don't have any fantastic suggestions other than: be kind to yourself, stop telling yourself that there is something wrong with you. There's nothing wrong with you, it's normal! If your dh loves you, he will come to terms with it. And maybe you can really ENJOY sex from time to time if it only happens occasionally.

ABetaDad Mon 06-Jul-09 13:50:33

3missys - it sounds to me as if you do have a libido and enjoy some forms of intimacy. It is the penetration and the porn that are the issues - perhaps they are even linked?

I think that talking to DH, changing the way you do things, telling him what you want and what you do not want and also listening carefully to him is the way to go. Just taking charge of the situation in a positive powerful way rather than avoiding the issue may even make you feel better.

In my view penetration is way overated as a form of sexual intimacy. It is just one form and I suspect many men really do not explore the alternatives enough. I am appalled you were so upset by it. If you feel you do not want or need to have penetrative sex then enough is enough. You must stop. Perhaps you and DH could enjoy a very small very controlled amount as sincity says that would take the pressure right off but still bring enjoyment to both. You may even magically begin to enjoy everything else much more if you take the pressure of having to have penentrative sex away completely.

I cannot believe DH would be anything but sympathetic if you told him honestly about how you feel.

3missys Mon 06-Jul-09 17:19:20

abetadad thanks for that. DH is really a DH in a million but when it comes to talking about emotion he closes up and gets defensive. I will try to talk to him. He can tell there is something up I just don't know how to bring the subject up.

I really can't say I don't like sex as he would be devestated to know that.

I have tried every posistion & environment to see if that helps but although it may do at that moment it doesn't help with my long term need of wanting it.

I'm reassured somewhat that others feel the same or have done. I appreciate your thoughts and comments.

expatinscotland Mon 06-Jul-09 17:22:50

have all possible physical causes for lack of libido been ruled out? if so, have you tried a sex therapist?

have you tried masturbation as a means of arousal (either alone or in the presence of or with assistance from your husband or partner) and seen if there was any difference or improvement?

3missys Mon 06-Jul-09 17:26:44

TBH I can climax alone in under a minute so I have it down to a T but I really don't have frequent want to do even that. What physical causes could be linked to libido then?

expatinscotland Mon 06-Jul-09 17:29:26

Certain diseases like diabetes and thyroid conditions, for example, and medications can definitely affect it - even some contraceptives.

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