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AIBU and should we go to relate?

(18 Posts)
namechange100 Mon 06-Jul-09 09:04:42

DH and I have not had a regular sex life for two thirds of our marriage.

I thought that this was all that need to be sorted we've talked about this quite well on three occasions decided what needed to do but then not actually followed through with actions/arrangements.

Yesterday I found flirty stuff on facebook with a single women from school - just jokey stuff, she had replied with little bits of flirty comments - these were in hi private inbox bit not on the public 'wall' section.

Last night he has said imediately he wants to go to relate to sort out sex life, he also said we were like friends, the rot has set in and we have drifted.

After seeing more this morning on facebook it has freaked me out I feel I want to cut n run before I get hurt anymore. I have controll issues which I have worked hard to alter and have done so.

He says he loves me, want to go. But I dont feel convince he's into 'us' as I am. He has a mysapce blog where he mentions our DS (3) but never me and the same on facebook. Although his status is married on both he only ever references his DS - I think this appears as if he is a parent and not a 'family man' or any indication that he is in a relationship (subconscious?)

I am scared, confused, angry tearful. Raging about facebook stuff.

ANY insights advice welome.

freya555 Mon 06-Jul-09 09:28:14

I can understand how angry and upset you feel.I know that you feel vulnerable and say that hes maybe not into relationship as much as you but there seems to be hope in all this because he has suggested go to relate rather than not face things .My husband did similar and he said it was because he felt desperate - i dont mean that its your fault - what i mean is he did similar becuse he felt lonely as we had got into a non communication ,no sex ,no intamacy place which we still are!-he realised that he shouldnt have done it but did so because he felt that didnt know what to do and he escaped into similar thing rather than face issues..the fact that your parter wants to go to relate suggests positive thing to me.As an alternative to relate there is also British association of councelling which lists approved councellore in your area- how do i know - because thats what we are going for at present! so you are not alone and dont feel so .

namechange100 Mon 06-Jul-09 09:39:49

Thanks ever so much freya555 i didnte think I would get a reply - I do feel a bit desperate my family are far away. Please stay in touch.

mumblechum Mon 06-Jul-09 09:57:28

Why aren't you having sex, though?

freya555 Mon 06-Jul-09 10:00:48

No problem at all u welcome- i think lots women in your position wether thay talk about it or not !!!!!!I had similar as i said- and felt so isolated because i was too embarrased to tell some friends and with others i was worried that they would look at meor him in different light- we live in a very new man /right on sort of area and i was terrified of him or me feeling judged which only isolated me further and made me crosser.I too have family who live away but i couldnt tell them anyway - again ,both then being away plus not being able to tell them , makes it worse( for me anyway i mean, as you may be able to if they were near? )For me i got so angry that i got stuck in being angry with him as well as it knocked my confidence - which is why we are going to councellor.I think it is totally normal to feel as you do.But please dont get "stuck " in it like i did ,feeling angry ,out of control,-( i too have control issues !!)lack of trust- when the time is right id go to councelling - you will feel listened to and heard properly if you find the right councellor.- and you will know if they suit you - i know from my own experience.I feel much "safer ",if you know what I mean ,that a thrid party who i trust will help.I really feel for you ,and i know its early days ,but the fact that you ave posed your message is really good.

MissisBoot Mon 06-Jul-09 10:01:22

Freya - have a look on the BACP for approved counsellors in your area.

freya555 Mon 06-Jul-09 10:04:08

missisBoot- I have thanks - its a brilliant resource!

freya555 Mon 06-Jul-09 10:07:25

ps - forgot to say - no you are not being unreasonable!!!!! - you feel how you feel .If people tell you you are being unreasonable - that would just deny your feelings - suppress them -isolate you,make you feel bad for feeling what you are feeling etc - youd feel even worse then ! It good you acknowledge what you feel - only after that you can decide how to address stuff.

namechange100 Mon 06-Jul-09 10:20:37

Thanks freya555 I have been on phone tor relate and tried lots of number from a directory we found DH is here with me. I am so upst we cant even make an appointment because we have got very limited opportunities as we have no family near by.

Mumble - lots of factors which we talk about:

out of habit
finding time
beig lazy

But i always go back to if he really still fancied me he would approach me we a bit like stalemate.

Timeline - conceived early in marriage unexpectedly, lots of scares throughout so ex stopped for us, CS, PND, time has gone by and still not picked up.

F******in FB sorry

namechange100 Mon 06-Jul-09 10:21:50

My DS oh I cant even think about it...

namechange100 Mon 06-Jul-09 10:24:26

It would be easier to just end it I can't stand this I have got myself better very much so and i was very happy till this FB stuff and the old chesnut of no sex discussion has come round again.

I cant tell you how sorted, on top, organised and busy busy doing lots of new things/socialising and now he has doen this added to problem that I felt quite confident about sorting out as I though we had a very good marriage otherwise.

namechange100 Mon 06-Jul-09 10:26:52

I know I am going on but

no second baby now.. he has ruined my desire to parent more, either way if this is sorted it may be too late. I just want to wrap his laptop around his head.

DS not here BTW

mumblechum Mon 06-Jul-09 10:38:46

I think you definitely need to go to Relate. book the appointment today and book a babysitter in plenty of time.

From reading previous threads on this topic, I think Relate will send you to a specialist sex therapist who will suggest ways for you to become intimate again.

Personally I don't think you can have a happy marriage if one person needs sex and isn't getting it.

Agree that he shouldn't be doing stuff on facebook. He should be sorting out the problems in your marriage for all your sakes.

Call relate now. They may have a long waitng list so the earlier the better.

Good luck

freya555 Mon 06-Jul-09 10:43:44

Of course you want to wrap lap top round his head at mo !! you have tried really hard and it feel s like youve had stuff taken away again ! ?We too have no family nearby - we pay sitter and councellor reduced rate for us accordingly so we could afford to go .they negotiate costs.You are so angry you feel you want to bail out and prob feel helpless whichever way.Sit with it for a bit.After have got really mad - try to have a "Rest" somehow from feelings - that s what I was toldto do because if the feelings totally engulf you over long term you will be exhausted - as i was-and will not be able to think straight and u cant make decisons in that state of mind- . i f it helps i thought that 2 bout my husband - ie if he fancied me he d approach me but - that not always the case- mine got fed up of approching me and me saying no that he eventualy lost his confidence - hence went elswereto feel good - i found itvv hurful but it was true.Could you ask him if he lacks confidence with you -? it may be like in my case that he has ? im not saying that answer is simple and wd resolve stuff becuase wh en myhusband told me that i got vcross at him for not being more upfrount etc but that s another isues - but at least you wd know it wasnt because he doesnt fancy you and maybe at least youd feel that he acutually does which it sounds like you need to hear.

GypsyMoth Mon 06-Jul-09 10:51:50

Ask him to delete facebook account....... Most of my 'married' male friends have behaved outrageously on fb. Have had few things in my inbox from a few of them which their wives would be horrified about.

Seriously, it's bad news

namechange100 Mon 06-Jul-09 11:04:50

I am calmer we are going to see a private counseller (sp?) right now - post when I ghet back.

Thanks for views and advice so far.

namechange100 Mon 06-Jul-09 14:51:14

We are back I think the session was very good. A lot of work, tired and hungry. We are going back.

At least I have been able to stop crying and flinging insults at DH at he at me.

Head is spinning.

namechange100 Tue 07-Jul-09 17:25:18

Well the lot has gone I havnt kept to the counselling contract we agreed to I am absolutley raging about everything I have tried serveral times always me rasing issue to sort out and he has just said the right things and done f**k all I am prety much resigned to the fact my marriage is over. I am making plans to leave with my DS.

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