Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Behaved horrendously- could have ruined my marriage and lost my best friend.

(24 Posts)
reallydoneitthistime Mon 06-Jul-09 08:38:33

I am a regular, but my dh knows my posting name so I have name changed.

I'm not sure what I hope to gain through writing this, but I need to get it off my chest.

I went out with my best friend on Saturday. We are in our mid-late twenties and we go out about once every 2 months. We go out in a town local to her, and stay at her house as she has no children so it is more convenient. I have children. We are both married. She married about 8 weeks ago, and her dh is currently on a holiday with friends. When we go out, we drink wine, but we go out primarily to catch up and dance a lot, not to get drunk. The last few times we have gone out, we've ended up at a late club which is open until 6am. We always regret it the next day as we are so tired and have spent too much money, so this time we agreed before going out that we would go home when our favourite bar closed at 2am.

Well, it got to 1.45am and we were approached by a stag do. They were a friendly bunch from another town, and they asked us if we could offer some advise about where to go on to after the bar closed. We agreed to take them to a club that is open until 3am. When we got there, they bought us drinks to say thank you. We had a good dance and 3am came around so we began to leave to catch a taxi. Two of the men asked us if there was anywhere else to go on to. This is when it all started to go wrong.

Ignoring our promise to one another, my BF and I took the 2 men to the late club. There they bought us more drinks and we all chatted etc. At one point, I looked across to my BF and she was very close to one of the men, they were leaning in to be heard over the music, but for a slpit second I thought I saw them kissing. When I asked my friend, she said this never happened, although she felt flattered with the attention from him (I will say at this point that my BF is completely gorgeous, but not full of confidence).

We stayed at the club until 5am, when utterly exhausted, my BF and I decided to go home. The men then made a suggestion that we go to their hotel with them, as it was almost next to the club. I cannot believe I am writing this, but we (grown women, and myself a mother) agreed to go back to their hotel. I cannot believe we would do something so completely stupid. These men could have been anyone and could have done anything to us. But, we went back with them. My BF went upstairs first with one of them (can't believe I let her) whilst I stayed downstairs for a while having some water. When I got back to the room with the other guy, my BF and the other man were asleep, him under the covers, her on top, fully clothed.

I went to bed in the other bed where the other guy was sleeping. I must have fallen asleep straight away, but I woke up a couple of hours later, realised where I was, woke my friend very quickly and we left. We got a taxi back to her house and went straight to bed without talking about any of it.

We woke a couple of hours later when my dh rang to say he was coming to collect me. My first reaction was, 'I need to tell my dh about this' My BF then burst into tears at the realisation of what had happened. She was inconsolable. She begged me not to tell my dh, because if I did, she would have to tell hers and she said he would never believe her that nothing had actually 'happened'. I agreed that it looked very bad, and if my dh had gone back to a hotel room with 2 women from a hen do, I would be livid and as much as I love my dh, I doubt I'd believe nothing had happened. BF was blaming herself, saying she was a lot less drunk than me and should have stopped us going back to their hotel. I told her, as a grown adult, she is not responsible for me. By the time my dh arrived, she was still in pieces.

We spoke on the phone later in the day, and she was still inconsolable. She said she felt awful for making me lie to my dh, and that it made her think about her dh's reaction. I tried to calm her down and suggested she'll feel better when her dh is home from holiday, today. I text her before bed to check on her, and she said she still felt no better about it all.

I don't know what to do. I feel awful that I did something so bloody stupid. Not only could I have got myself seriously hurt, I acted outside the boundaries of acceptable behaviour for a wife and I can't bear to see my lovely, lovely sweet and sensitive BF trying to take all the blame and hating herself. I've never seen her so distraught, and we've known each other for years, even living together in the past.

What can I do? Obviously, apart form not going out again and putting ourselves in such a situation. What can I say to BF to ease her self-loathing? I hate lying to my dh- I was quite prepared to tell him everything, and this is alien to me, knowing I know something and not telling him. He has gathered that something is wrong with BF as we have spent so long on the phone, so I've now had to invent a story to cover up- which I feel sick about doing.

I'm so, so ashamed of my behaviour. All because of alcohol.

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 06-Jul-09 08:48:39

I can't really see what the problem is here - you didn't sleep with either of them did you?

You went out and had a good time and behaved irresponsibly - in that anything could have happened to you. But you were not unfaithful to your partners.

I suggest that you both grow up a bit and stop organising these nights out if you end up feeling so guilty about them!

But also don't beat yourself up about something that isn't that bad in the great scheme of things.

Rubyrubyrubyinthegame Mon 06-Jul-09 08:51:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaLazarou Mon 06-Jul-09 08:51:58

You didn't do anything but fall asleep on the same bed as a man you didn't know. Be honest and confess everything to your husband, and suggest that your friend does the same. If they love you and trust you they will believe you when you say that nothing happened.

blondissimo Mon 06-Jul-09 08:52:53

I suppose the moral thing to do would be to tell your husband and hope that he believed you that nothing happened.
Neither of you have actually done anything wrong - when I was younger, I frequently used to do things like this, when I had a boyfriend, and never felt guilty as I knew I had done nothing wrong. I never told the boyfriend and everyone's a winner. If you don't say anything, then it could all be forgotten about. The only problem is, that if either of you slip up, and your dh find out, and you haven't admitted it, then they definitely will think something has happened!
If it was me, i would say what had happened and tell the truth. I know that my dp probably wouldn't be ecstatic about it, but I think he would believe me as he trusts me.
Hope that helps x

reallydoneitthistime Mon 06-Jul-09 08:53:08

God, no, we didn't sleep with them!!

We have both agreed we need to grow and curtail the nights out, especially me being a mum. It goes without saying that we will not do anything like this ever again.

The problem is, we were so irresponsible, and the facts look awful. This nows means we are both lying to our dhs.

mammyscruffbag Mon 06-Jul-09 08:54:02

Oh rditt,

try not to be so hard on yourself. You both made a mistake but nothing happened.
We've all been there and done something we aren't proud of but I really think you shouldn't punish yourselves further.
Ok, DH would be really angry if he new but he trusts you and knows you and therefore would know you didn't actually do anything.
It's easy to get carried away when someone pays you attention outside of your marriage and that doesn't make you a bad person.
Please don't stop going out with your friend, the chances of you even speaking to blokes on a night out now are slim as you are both feeling equally terrible.
I hope you both feel better soon. smile

Schnullerbacke Mon 06-Jul-09 08:54:19

I agree that it was a bit stupid to go back to the hotel with these two guys but then, people do stupid things sometimes.

On the plus side, nothing happened so at least you can have a clear conscience.

Having to lie and carrying this around with you is not a nice thing but, apart from relieving your guilt, I don't think you will gain much by telling the truth. You both have good relationships with your husbands and I don't think it would be a good idea to spread the seeds of doubt, if you know what I mean. They probably would believe you but it may start insecurities within your relationship.

Take your friend out for a coffee, tell her again that she is not responsible for your actions. Yes, she was less drunk but you are your own person in the end. Feeling guilty for the rest of your lives doesn't help anyone. Agree that you will have to be more careful in the future and be grateful that it all ended well. You never know, you might be able to laugh about it in the future: 'remember that stupid thing we did'.

Please try to move on from it and don't let it affect your relationship. It ended ok, let that be a lesson to you but put it behind you.

Next time you go out, maybe her DH can pick you both up.

BecauseImWorthIt Mon 06-Jul-09 08:55:41

Do you tell your DH every single detail of every night out? Does he tell you every single detail of every of his nights out?

No. Thought not.

You're not lying by not telling him. And there's nothing to tell! Telling him will only make things worse.

Just put it behind you rather than making it more dramatic than it needs to be.

And grow up ...

squeaver Mon 06-Jul-09 08:57:23

Agree with everyone else.

1. Stop beating yourselves up.

2. Stop discussing the "lie" with your dh. Whatever you told him the problem was with your friend, the next time it comes up just say "it's all sorted now" and don't discuss it again.

3. Tell your friend to tell her dh "we had a bit of a late night. Too late and now we've decided to calm ourselves down a bit on the nights out". None of that is a lie.

4. Move on.

Lulumama Mon 06-Jul-09 08:57:28

ok, you were really, really stupid and could have been hurt/assaulted/robbed.

you know this

if drinking makes you take stupid risks like this then the answer is not to drink so much

nothing wrong with a night out, flirting etc. but for me, that is where it would end.

if you so deeply regret what happened, it is not worth it and not fun and you need to ensure it does not happen again.

nothing to be gained by telling your DH. would only cause more upset

you are clearly punishing yourself and you need to learn from this as does your BF

i would be incandescent if my DH slept in a bed with a strange woman, in a hotel. even if they were both fully clothed.

some boundaries should not be crossed

reallydoneitthistime Mon 06-Jul-09 08:57:56

blondissimo- I know my dh would trust me and belive me if I told him nothing had happened. That is why I planned on telling him striaght away. I have, however, agreed not to say anything as my BF is convinced her dh will not believe her and will give her a hard time about it in any future argument. The problem is, I know he has cheated on her sad I told her one time, and it nearly ruined our friendship as she didn't want to believe it was true. I wish she knew how he has behaved in the past, then maybe she's stop beating herself up over this.

MamaLazarou Mon 06-Jul-09 08:59:45

The thing is, he knows you are hiding something from him. The conclusions he may come to on his own could be far worse than the truth. He may be relieved to hear that you haven't been unfaithful to him.

Lulumama Mon 06-Jul-09 09:00:33

it would be a bad, bad idea to tell her.

and how do you know more about her DH's past than she does?

she has only been married 8 weeks, i don;t think telling her he has cheated is going to help the situation at all, especially as it has nearly destroyed your friendship before.

you both have to draw a line under this now

how much did you drink ?

blondissimo Mon 06-Jul-09 09:02:21

Is there not any way you can tell your dh without him telling her dh? Surely it is more important to keep a good relationship with your dh - I know you are best friends but you need to live with your dh. Not anything to gain by telling dh, but a hell of a lot to lose if he finds out you haven't told him.....

fishie Mon 06-Jul-09 09:03:31

hopefully the shock of it will wear off soon.
hangovers always make anxiety and guilt wworse too.

blondissimo Mon 06-Jul-09 09:05:20

Also agree with MamaLazarou - your poor dh could be in turmoil, worrying whether or not you have had a mad night of passion with some hunk. It may help if you fess up.

reallydoneitthistime Mon 06-Jul-09 09:18:13

Lulamama- her dh hit on a mutal friend a couple of years ago, and kissed her. The friend told me. It's all in the past, but he crossed a line that my BF hasn't, and yet she is torturing herself over Saturday night. Of course, I would not say anything to her now about her dh! I meant that, if she knew he wasn't white as white, she may not feel so bad.

How much did we drink? I've no idea.

I could tell dh, but I feel it would have been better to say something yesterday morning. It's a bit late now. My BF was worried that the next time we all get together, something may slip out if I've told dh. If her dh found out from mine, it would make it all a lot worse.

wannaBe Mon 06-Jul-09 09:36:56

The thing is, you don't know that nothing happened. No, nothing happened between you and the one bloke, but your friend went upstairs with the other bloke, and when you came upstairs they were asleep, fully clothed, but you don't know they hadn't kissed/touched/whatever before they went to sleep.

So you could actually be covering up more than you realize by agreeing to not tell your dh. Iyswim.

reallydoneitthistime Mon 06-Jul-09 09:42:03

wannaBe- the thought crossed my mind yesterday, I asked her and she said nothing had happened. I believe her because I know her so well. Although, it would make more sense for her to feel this bad if she had actually done something physical. I think she would have told me by now if there was something to say. Maybe not.

Jojay Mon 06-Jul-09 09:50:29

I definitely wouldn't say anything to your DH.

You were foolish to put yourself into a compromising position, but nothing happened and there's nothing to be gained by telling him.

As you say, it's too late now anyway, just move on.

And go out for a nice civilised meal next time you want to catch up!

MorrisZapp Mon 06-Jul-09 12:21:18

I think that in a few weeks time this will all have blown over and you can get some perspective on it. Nothing happened, so why tell anybody? What possible good could it do?

One issue I don't agree with was that going to a man's hotel room is inherently bad or stupid. I spent a few years in my youth having glorious one night stands, and had nothing but fun. Within reason, being alone with a man you only recently met is perfectly ok - fun, even.

Obviously not if you're married, but in general I don't get the whole 'we took a huge risk' thing. If nobody was willing to get drunk and be alone with a guy then the population of this country would drop off a cliff. This is how British people start relationships!

GooseyLoosey Mon 06-Jul-09 12:27:02

Don't tell your respective partners. If nothing happened, there is nothing to be gained by telling them except potentially damaging your relationship - and for what? So you can feel you have been honest?

I would suggest that next time you go out, you arrange for her husband to pick you up at a set time (assume yours will be baby sitting) so there is no chance of staying on and on. Would also not go to clubs for a while!

TwoHot Mon 06-Jul-09 12:40:03

Treat this as a short sharp lesson and grow up a bit, and move on.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now