Ex being a prat....venting but would welcome opinions

[hatesponge]

Have also posted this on lone parents but no replies yet hence re-posting.........

Background: Ex is an abusive arse, but is reasonably OK with children. So when I left him, I agreed we should have a joint residence arrangement - all informal, not through courts. He leaves for work at 5.30am Mon-Fri so there is no way he can have the DC during the week hence he insisted (& I agreed as otherwise he threatened to take me to court for full custody of DS2) that he had them every weekend Fri-Sun.

This means he essentially gets more time with them than me (as I work full time so dont see them between 7.30am-6.30pm in any event), but I agreed at the time to keep the peace.I asked him to alter the arrangements months ago as I was hardly seeing them to which his charming response was 'Just because that c*nt you were seeing has told you to fuck off, you're not changing this to suit you'

I was seeing someone. It ended in part as Ex threatened him. I didnt see him every weekend anyway as he has DC of his own. So my reasons had nothing to do with that, but should show what a spiteful arse ex is.

So, fast forward to now. Last weekend DC come back on sun & tell me they have spent weekend at nannys (Ex's family). DS1 hates it there, he is expected to watch TV and be quiet all weekend & he gets v bored. I have 'words' by text with Ex over this, no real response from him. A few days later DC come home advising Ex has now booked a 14 day holiday to mexico, leaving in a fortnight. Started an AIBu thread about this, if it sounds familiar.

DS1 stayed with me last night as he went to a friends party yesterday evening (I am friends with the parents so was helping etc). DS2 was meant to be with his dad but has come home tonight & told me he spent all day yesterday & today at his friends.

So thats 2 weekends on the trot Ex has palmed DC off. Its not just they are sleeping over, but he leaves them there all day. DS2 said he hasnt really seen his dad at all this weekend. I just feel hes such a prat, he made a horrendous fuss about having the kids and now he cant be arsed.

I know full well the reason why - he has got himself a new GF, and is far more interested in shagging her than seeing the DC. She has her own children, but I know they are at their dads at weekends.....

Am so pissed off with the whole thing, especially since I said to ex last week if he couldnt look after them for all/part of weekend at any time, then I always would. I know I'm probably being oversensitive, but I would welcome others views. I just dont feel I can let this keep going on every weekend; i honestly dont think this is coincidence, as I know that about 3 weeks ago EX & GF had a row about him being too attached to me (and DC) & not committed enough to her etc

[knockedgymnast]

Poor you, hatesponge. Have just read your thread and it seems to me like it's a control thing with your ex. Making out he's the 'devoted' dad but rather, he's trying to spite you.

It's awful that he's threatened you with taking the kids off of you, if you don't give in to his demands.

I would seek advice over this, so that some fair arrangement can be made that hopefully benefits all of you. The children would much rather spend time with you anyway, as opposed to being palmed off when they are wtih their dad.

Good luck and keep me posted

[aRLcat]

When issues cropped up with a very informal arrangement with my ex, I started written communication with him with the intention of formalising contact via written agreement.

You could write to your ex with your proposals for future contact, when taking this approach it's best for all communication regarding contact to be written, this can also help if the courts do become involved for the sake of clarity of history, etc

Your parental responsibility is to ensure your children are adequately cared for. If you have concerns regarding your DC during contact, you have the absolute right to initiate a rearrangement of contact agreement to better suit them and their needs.

Incidentaly, one of their rights is quality time with you! You are not having the opportunity to share such time with them and addressing this is imperative.

Decide what contact arrangements would best suit your childrens needs and your family unit and put it in writing to your ex, be specific and firm but reasonable.

As main carer, you have to take control of this situation and you can!

[AnyFucker]

Actually, I feel sorry for all the children referred to on this thread

Whomever is in the "right" here, it seems the adults are not putting the children first, but spending time slagging each other off about who is shagging who

ffs, you all need to get a grip

[aRLcat]

AnyFucker, I've no idea why you think the OP isn't 'putting the children first', not that I care!

She is asking for advice as to how to better the current situation for her children, do you actually have anything better to offer than 'get a grip'? (FFS)

[AnyFucker]

OP asked for opinions

I gave mine, based on the info given

I would advise that time would be better spent not having slanging matches about who is shagging whom......

[hatesponge]

AF, I have always tried to put my DC first. I would love to never have anything more to do with Ex ever again, but I have to think of the DC who do want to see him. I don't care who Ex sees in his own time, but I do care when it conflicts with his time with DC, and therefore affects them. I'm not sure how you think I'm not putting DC first by being concerned over this?

I do think the idea of putting arrangements in writing is a good one. I'm not sure it will work, in so far as I don't think Ex will agree any change, but at least I will put my point across, and if we do end up having to go down a more formal route, I'll have something in writing.

[moondog]

I agree with AF.
All sounds unspeakably sad and selfish.

[aRLcat]

I'm not seeing slanging matches about who is shagging whom?

The tendancy of many parents without care is to drop quality or quantity of contact upon becoming involved with a new partner. It's a realistic problem which is, inevitably to the detriment of the children involved.

The OP's illustration of this scenario doesn't constitute a slanging match to my mind.

Such is perspective

[hatesponge]

AF, in fairness I don't have slanging matches with him. Generally he gives me a mouthful of abuse & I try not to be drawn in. I sent him a text asking him not to leave DC at his mums (as they dont like it) if he is going out - but I didnt go into where he was or what he was doing, although i have a fair idea.

without wanting to sound childish, he is the one who has been totally obsessed with what I'm doing & who I'm seeing since we split. He has veered from telling me im worthless & no man would want me, to saying that he would 'have' any man I let near the DC. I was quite happy when I heard he had met someone as i naively thought it might finally sort everything out and he might get off my back. What i didnt think of was that DC would start to lose out.

[hatesponge]

moondog, how am I being selfish? In objecting to what arrangements Ex makes for care of DC in his own time do you mean? Or in another way?

[AnyFucker]

cat, it was referred to twice in 2 seperate incidents in the OP

and then the last sentence hints at ongoing petty arguments between the adults in this situation

re-read the OP

hatesponge, I am sorry if you think I am being unsympathetic

I probably am, but you need to take this matter in hand, and having slanging matches and making catty comments is not the way to go (even if he did it first......)

[moondog]

I've got a friend who moans if her ex dh doesn't spend every minute of his access weekends with their kid.
It's fine for her to do what she wants though and leave the kid with various relatives.

Whatever either of you do ,the other will never be happy.

[knockedgymnast]

Ex is being a total arse.

By what I can gather, you ARE putting your children first and the 'childish' references are conversations instigated by the EX.

Like I said hatesponge, seek some advice and take it from there

[aRLcat]

hatesponge, you do not have to make your children available for contact if you have reasonable grounds to think that contact is to their detriment.

What would be your preferance in terms of arrangements?

Regarding your ex leaving your DC with other people for regular, prolonged periods; just as they have a right to quality time with you, they have a right to quality time with him.

For example, a court order regarding contact may well include that the parent outside of the home may not leave his/her children within the care of anyone else for periods of more than one hour.

the children's legal centre might be able to offer advise.

[AnyFucker]

Hatesponge, I am thinking there is more to this than you put in your Op

get some advice in RL and put things on a formal footing or you will leave yourself open to his manipulations and continue to get dragged into stuff that will do your kids no good at all...

[moondog]

Ah really Dittany?
Please point me to the Code of Conduct that states this to be the case.

[hatesponge]

AF, i dont feel you're being unsympathetic. It's good to get another point of view If I sound catty - and I know I can be - I'm not when I deal with Ex because I just cant do arguing with him any more, I had 7 years of it when we were together.

We were sort of on speaking terms for a while, but at present we only communicate by text - albeit that I still havent had any reply to the text I sent about last weekend.

[aRLcat]

advice, even!

[moondog]

I think it would probably fly right past you Dittany, so no, I'll not bother if it's all the same with you.

[hatesponge]

Moondog, I can see what you're saying. I too know people in RL who are obsessed with the minutiae of what goes on during access/contact. However honestly that isnt me, I'm generally the most laid back parent - Ex can take them to KFC, out cycling without helmets, even let them play dodgy games on the Xbox & I let all that pass without (much) comment. I'm happy for them to see friends/relatives etc but if the DC themselves want to, not because Ex needs a babysitter, because if I'm free, and generally I am, then I'll do it instead.

[moondog]

I';m not in this situation but it would seem to me that once the children are with the other person, then what they do is up to them, surely?
If they are indeed fobbing them off, chances are the kids will suss that out for themselves and better all around for the kids to suss out that the parent in question is a nob rather than having the other parent tell them it is so?

[knockedgymnast]

" Ex can take them to KFC, out cycling without helmets, even let them play dodgy games on the Xbox"

Hatesponge, this is an entire thread of it's own