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Thinking about asking dh to leave. Am very confused about what to do.

(16 Posts)
HiyaCat Sun 05-Jul-09 07:04:58

Have name changed for this. Sorry it's a bit long.

Been with dh for 12 years, married for 3 and have a 1 yr old dd. Both in 30's.

Prior to dd, dh would often stay out all night drinking. When drunk he sometimes gets verbally nasty towards me.

When not drunk he is loving, caring, charming, funny, etc. He is also 'hands on' with dd and does all the washing and most of the housework.

Since dd's arrival he has not stayed out all night, and has not gone out as often, but there have still been numerous episodes when he has come in very drunk.

About six weeks ago he came back at reasonableish hour but had a friend in tow. They were trying to be quiet but in that way drunk people think they're quiet and I didn't sleep a wink as they stayed up until 5am. Then I when I came down at 6am with dd there was drunk friend asleep on the sofa.

He said he wouldn't do this any more and we've had a few weeks of him coming back at a reasonable time and in a reasonable state. As a result, we've been getting on extremely well, and enjoying each others company.

Needless to say, he has done it again last night. Came in at 4am, having told me he would be back at half 8, rolling around drunk. He called me a 'stupid cow'. I have not slept much at all again.

My father was rushed to hospital last week and we were going to take dd to see him today but I don't think I should risk driving her when I've had no sleep. Also, was needing some tlc last night due to situation with dad, and I told dh this and asked him not to go out last night.

I don't think my emotional needs are being met in this relationship any more, and think that social life is prioritised over me. Always was, but now it matters more.

I think my life might be easier if I didn't have to put up with such behaviour.

I think he will be devastated if I ask him to go, but I am just so tired of it.

When I try to speak to him about it, he often acknowledges that he is out of order, but then will back track and tell me that I am making unreasonable demands.

Also scared of being single mum and god knows what would happen with house etc.

I am from a 'broken home' and I so wanted dd to have it differently. Also, would greive for fact that she wouldn't have a sibling. (I am 38 so unlikely). I do love him but not sure it's enough.

Any words of wisdom please?

cheerfulvicky Sun 05-Jul-09 07:33:21

No great word of wisdom I'm afraid, except that I do remember the last incident when he came home drunk with friends and you posted about it. I'm saddened that it has happened again. What you've being doing in the past - demanding change which is promised and doesn't happen - is obviously not working, so you have to try something different. What, I'm not sure

Have you ever been to counselling as a couple? Would he go? Has he admitted he might have a drink problem of some sort?

If I were in your situation I would start educating myself about my options, what I would be entitled to if I left, what kind of housing availability there is locally, council and private. Who I'd call on for emotional and practical support, friends and family. And I'd do all this before speaking to him, so there's no doubt and fear if you do ask him to leave. You'd know what you were talking about.

entitledto.com is a good start. I really hope you find a way forward that works for you and DD. You can't go on like this, it's not right. He needs to be made to know that.
Take care x

MildredRoper Sun 05-Jul-09 07:53:24

Thank you for your reply. It has made me
feel better.

I think I will ask him to come for counselling. Worth a try.

Will go and look at that website you mention also.

I think he does have a problem with alcohol, but he doesn't admit to it.

bigchris Sun 05-Jul-09 07:55:23

i would give him an ultimatum
tell him he can go out drinking once a month but stay with a friend and come back in the morning ( him not you)
if he breaks this promise tell him it's over

MildredRoper Sun 05-Jul-09 07:55:43

Oops - outed self. Never mind - haven't been using this name for long!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 05-Jul-09 09:11:24

You did not break this home - he did. It is already broken by his actions. He will keep on coming home drunk after a night out.

Counselling for your own self would help you though it would not help him. He may not want to hear what is being said and even properly begin to acknowledge it. He'll probably blame you and everyone else around him but his own self for his drink problem.

If people were horrid all the time no-one would want to be with them. This H of yours is nice sometimes; they often are and this is why women stay - but their true nature soon re-emerges. It cannot be hidden. Your H has had a long term relationship with drink; this comes first. He likely also thinks that he does not have a problem with alcohol either; denial is a powerful force here.

He's no proper role model for your DD; she could go onto pick an alcoholic for a partner in adulthood. Is that what you want for her?.

What are you both teaching her about relationships here?. You write that your own emotional needs are not being met and you're deeply unhappy. Be honest with your own self here too; did you somewhere along the line think that marriage and having a child would somehow change him for the better in that he'd lay off the drink for good?.

I would suggest you contact Al-anon as you are living with a problem drinker. You need support for your own self.

You are not responsible for him - only your own self and your DD. TBH so what if he is "devastated" if he were to leave?. He would likely be "devastated" because you're no longer around to clean up after him, make excuses for him and enable him any longer. This is also what you are to him now - his enabler.

There are plenty of single mums out there; you could manage and likely also feel a lot happier as a result. Re the house seek legal advice; CAB could help here. The first step to leave is often the hardest but this situation that you're in now is not going to get any better over time but will get worse. At some point you will have no fight left; you will be completely ground down. Your DD will pick up on all the underlying tension as well - not a good lesson for her to learn if you chose to stay with this man.

Ultimatums are only of any benefit at all if you made that only once and stick to it to the letter.

MildredRoper Sun 05-Jul-09 16:13:14

Attila - yes your post rings true in many ways. I did think parenthood would change him.

He has just now said to me that he won't drink anymore. I'm not holding out great hopes for this, but I haven't heard him say this before. I know it is possible for people to give up if they want to though. I whope for dd's sake he can do this even if we split up.

Having said this I already feel ground down as you say. I do know that staying in an unhappy relationship is no good for dd. When I say I am from a broken home, it was the type where they lived separate lives in the same house. Definitely better to split up from my point of view.

He is agreeing to counselling also, so we will try that. I think it is probably helpful even when going through a separation.

I will phone al-anon as well, and I may visit a solicitor. sad

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 05-Jul-09 18:46:59

Mildred

He has to want to give up drinking for his own self; not for you and or your DD.

The benefit of counselling is doubtful as well if again he is only going there because you have told him to.

You need support for your own self and I would urge you to contact Al-anon. Another thread you may want to read on here as well is the "support thread for the partners of addicts".

Good on you also for wanting to contact Al-anon and seeking legal advice.

I wish you well; there are no guarantees here.

corriefan Sun 05-Jul-09 19:59:44

Just to offer another perspective, why does it bother you so much that your dh goes out and gets drunk sometimes? Lots of people do this for fun and if it's what he and his friends have always done can you not cut him some slack and let him go off the rails occasionally? It doesn't sound like he's drinking a bottle of vodka for breakfast everyday. You could give him the day off to nurse his hangover and bank one for you to do something you like in return.

whatanothernamechange Mon 06-Jul-09 10:22:36

Always good to have another perspective, but I can really empathinse with the ground down feeling and you need to listen to that. My H has behaved similarly in the past and when I finally stepped back and took a more objective look, there were loads of other problems. I will advise as I have been advised, your perspective is important, it's your indicator of how things are. Take care.

MildredRoper Tue 07-Jul-09 07:22:56

corriefan - it doesn't bother me if he goes out and gets drunk sometimes. He does this sometimes and there is no problem.

It only bothers me if he keeps me awake all night and calls me names, or buggers up plans we have made (like going to see my dad in hospital for instance).

I don't think it's in any way fair for him to ruin my whole weekend, even if it is only once every few weeks.

Attila - am getting some info from local support org as can't make any of the al-anon meetings.

I think counselling will help me, anyway.

whatanothernamechange - that's good advice, thank you.

I feel a bit more in control of my own destiny now.

preciouslillywhite Tue 07-Jul-09 10:32:17

I had exactly the same problem with my ex...our "relationship" <ahem> was centred around getting off our faces one way and another, and very nice it was too, till I went and got meself pregnant by mistake wink

We decided to stay together and to have the baby but I was desperately unhappy all through my pregnancy. My then partner carried on as normal with clubbing and boozing and late nights with our mates.

However things didn't change after we had our son...I was of course DELIGHTED with him (ds) and quite happy to sacrifice going out-well, most of the time!! My ex tho couldn't help himself- rolling in at four am, me bringing baby down in the morning to find kitchen full of blokes and ashtrays angry He, though, like your partner was a GREAT dad and partner- when he was sober. Friends used to call it his Superdad mode.

In the end I couldn't bear it as there were more than a couple of nights over the years where I had a night "off" only to come back to find my ex pissed as arseholes (really- eye rolling, falling over, complete loss of control) him promising it would never happen again etc etc-things came to a head and we split up.

But this is where you have another dilemma- a boozy partner you can go some way to balance (eg you can step in if they're incapable), but you can't once you're separated.I had to make a very scary choice- whether to let my ex look after our son overnight at his new place, with all the benefits and risks it involved-they both really really loved each other and had fun together and so I knew it would be cruel to say no staying over- but also every time he went to stay I'd be on a knife edge thinking "what if (ex) is pissed when ds is asleep, what if he wakes up, what if there's a fire?" etc etc.

It carried on like that with us "sharing" for a few years and none of my fears were realised apart from a few unpleasant but minor incidents...but just when I'd got a bit complacent when my son was about 8 something really really awful happened when my ex took him on holiday alone...I can't give you any details but it makes my blood run cold just thinking about it. The upshot was my ex was not allowed to drink AT ALL when my son was there, and he agreed to that-he was so shocked and appalled at what he'd done,which was a first! That was about three years ago and everything is ok now <touch wood>

Sorry. This turning into a ME ME ME rant.

All I'm trying to say is that if you DO consider splitting up you really have to consider together what you do about access.

My heart goes out to you, I know it's such a hard thing to deal with.I wish you lots and lots of luck

posiedullardparker Tue 07-Jul-09 10:36:19

I am in the same boat, we have four dcs and whilst my DH doesn't do it often last week when I had to drive my sister to the airport at 5am he came in at 4.50am and I had had to call a friend to babysit.

MildredRoper Tue 07-Jul-09 14:19:35

Precious - you have a good point there. Good to hear from someone who has come out the other side. Thank you for your kind wishes.

Posie - what do about it when something like that happens, if you don't mind me asking?

zebede Wed 08-Jul-09 18:38:32

"Prior to dd, dh would often stay out all night drinking. When drunk he sometimes gets verbally nasty towards me."

Can I ask why you chose to have a child with someone who behaves in this way?

expatinscotland Wed 08-Jul-09 18:43:21

You are living with an alcoholic who a) does not see he is an alcoholic b) as a result, doesn't see a reason to change.

Please get him out of you and your daughter's lives before he does something really, really foolish (like set your house on fire cooking or smoking whilst drunk).

Get yourself to Al-Anon straightaway. If you are in a large city like London, there are even some with a creche.

You need support and help from people who have experience living with alcoholics.

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