Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
WWYD? Persistent other woman!(170 Posts)
Recently moved to new city to be near my family. DH found it difficult, initally, to get work and was feeling quite low and isolated. He eventually got a job and a woman he worked with developed a crush on him.
Anyhoo, one drunk night DH had a one night stand with the woman. Silly man!! I was so hurt and angry but we have a ten month dd and i forgave him ... he was very contrite, and we are, generally, a very very happy couple. I told him that if he wanted to be with the OW he could, and he could see dd whenever he liked. I didn't want to beg or blackmail him to stay. But he was adamant it was a crazy mistake and that he loves me, dd and our life. He was, he say's, temporarily insane.
I just want to forget the whole thing. He has some lovely friends from work and OW is in the group, so I have not made a big deal about him seeing her. A couple of times I have been out with the group and have always been nice to OW. Noone else knows and I don't want to make someone feel ostracised for one mistake.
BUT she is continually texting and calling DH trying to start a relationship. She "can't understand" why they can't be together.
So last night we met his friends for a drink and she was there. I behaved around her as I would around anyone, bit shy but polite. Half way through drinks she texts DH "I still love you". Argghhh!!!
WWYD?? I am so angry at her for trying to ruin my life, but just don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to give her fuel to hate me, I don't want to make the situation worse. Should I just trust DH and move on or should I ask her to leave us alone?? It is stressing me out....!!
You don't want to give her fuel to hate you? Just how will you be worse off if she hates you, then, because as things are she is trying to lure her husband away from you with you sitting right there?!
If this happened half way through the evening, did you just carry on ignoring it and then stay up till 4am worrying about it?
For goodness' sake, your husband betrayed you, this woman did a terrible thing (though not as bad as what he did) and yet the only one suffering is you! All you seem to be worrying about is not making either of them feel bad!
If someone - let alone someone he'd already cheated on me with!- sent my husband such a text in my presence I wouldn't be swallowing my fury just to keep up appearances, I'd be making a scene. No wonder she thinks she has a chance, it must look like you don't care if he stays or goes.
I'm with l39, while you have been incredibly strong and tolerant about the situation, there's no way that I'd let my DH near the OW to be honest. I think your DH should also be the first to say that he'd stay away. It's fanning the flames, IMO.
I'd say something to the OW, perhaps not a public scene but take her aside and let her know that you will not tolerate this sort of behaviour and to stop sending your DH texts of any form. I'm amazed at her gall too, to be honest! But then if she knows that no-one else knows what went on, then she probably thinks you're not bothered!
I think there is being 'forgiving and mature' and then there is taking it a bit too far. It sounds as though the OW is behaving this way as it's not immediately obvious you are that bothered by her having sex with your husband. You are still socialising with her and being polite and TBH behaving as though you and your husband have an open relationship. You obviously don't but I can see why it might come across that way.
You do not need to say anything to the OW. It is up to your husband to make it clear to her that she needs to step back. I don't think it's very sensible that he continues to hang out with her.
thanks for your responses. he didn't get the text until later as he left his phone at home. otherwise i guees i would have caused a (little) scene.
i guess i naievely thought 'if she sees us together, happy and calm, she will feel bad and leave us alone" doormatish?
dh does not communicate w her. i checked the phone bill and, despite numerous texts from ow, he has never responded.
so should i speak w her?
I'd knock her out cold, there and then. But don't do that!! He needs to change his number, first of all. Why is he still hanging around her? It's madness, and shows a lack of respect towards you, as well as a lack of acceptance of what he's done. Put your foot down, forget politeness. Do you feel like if you let your feelings go you might lose it completely? If so, this is understandable
I agree with everyone who says you need to get your DH to take the step of cutting this off once and for all. It seems like this is the only thing she will listen to. He needs to be totally clear about finishing it, telling her he is not interested and it was huge mistake, he's chosen to stay with you, leaving absolutely no room for doubt on her part. If she continues to pester him after this you may want to threaten telling their employer, or taking legal action for harrassment (you will need those phone bills.
If they work together would their employer be happy about this situation? Could it threaten both their jobs?
Don't speak to her, make sure your husband does and he should tell her that if she persists with this he will have no choice but to report her to HR for sexual harrassment.
I would then make sure that he doesn't go out in a group which she is part of - not because I would be paranoid of a relationship starting but because it sends out very mixed messages.
I'm of the 'knock her out cold' school of thought.
Can he block her number? She might get the hint then....
I can understand why you have acted like nothing has happened when with the other colleagues. My DP had a flirtation with someone he worked with, didn't sleep with her, but she sent him pictures of her in sexy underwear (she was also married). He doesn't see her that often as she works in a different office, but there are meetings and occasions when she's around but to date he has proved I can trust him.
I wasn't as restrained as you - I sent her some messages from his phone and called her some lovely names.
However, had she continued to contact him (she did try once after I found out and she apparently wasn't impressed with my reply!) continuously then I would have gone mad.
I think your DH needs to block her number or change his number, tell her to leave him alone he isn't interested, and then only talk to her about work in work when he has to.
I can understand why he still goes out with other colleagues when she is there and it's good that he takes you (I don't go in this situation cos I would kick off if she even looked at my DP) but he needs to not talk to her in this situation, and the same with you.
If this doesn't work I don't know what else to suggest other than threatening her with reporting her for harrasment either to work or the police.
Good luck - I hope you get it sorted soon and good on you for being so strong about it.
I don't want to upeset you so I am really sorry to say this but if it was just a one night stand where does 'I love you' come in to it?
I honestly think he should text her and be brutally honest. That he could have left you but he loves you and she was just insignificant etc. He should then change his his number and start looking for a new job - fast.
Are these social meetings necessary? If not I wouldn't be happy for him to go, even with you. She sounds stupid though sending him texts when he's with you.
Can he tell his friends he doesn't want to meet up with them if she is there and why or are they not that good friends?
She sounds as though she's scaring him off with her neediness though so you prob have little to worry about but I wouldn't be sparing her feelings if she did this again when you met her and I'd publically embarrass her quite happily.
Goodness me, I don't think I could have your understanding and composure.
This OW needs to know that you and your husband are making a go of things.
If she can't get the hint when you are presenting an united front and has the audacity to text him love messages when you are both at the same place, then your DH or you have to be more brutal.
I agree that he neds to start looking for a new job and to stop socialising with her.
Are you mad? Your husband shags someone else when you have a 10 mth old baby and you are fine about him socialising with the woman he shagged?
You've given him a far too easy time. He jeopardised your marriage by having sex with someone else - someone he works with and cannot just walk away from - and now he is reaping what he sowed, and unfortunately, so are you.
He needs to come up with some quick solutions. I'd be expecting my DH to get another job.
I would also question any situation like this where the man says 'it was just a one night stand' and the woman is texting obsessively saying she loves him.
So easy to cast the OW as a crazy Fatal Attraction type. Which she may be. Or maybe your DH had a little bit more involvement with her than he told you. ..
1. Report it to HR but ask them not to say anything to her. Explain that he is concerned that she might kick off when he tells her no more contact so he wants it on record. Otherwise I would be worried she would report him.
2. Send a text saying not interested, please stop texting.
3. Change number
4. Report to HR.
5. If she carries on tell him he cannot go out on works nights out and he can explain to his colleagues why not. He should have kept his pants on but as he didnt he needs to make it very clear to her that he isnt enjoying the attention - if that is the case.
So - a woman your husband has slept with is hassling him for a relationship, whilst socialising with him and you?
Fuck me. I'd rip her head off.
Can DH change job?
Hard for me to understand as I would not be so calm or forgiving. You are clearly very strong - but you must not put up with this.
'I am so angry at her for trying to ruin my life, but just don't know how to deal with it. I don't want to give her fuel to hate me, I don't want to make the situation worse. Should I just trust DH and move on or should I ask her to leave us alone?? It is stressing me out....!!'
You should see a counsellor to figure out why you think so little of yourself that you're with a man who cheated on you and then pretends like it didn't happen.
He screwed someone else and all he could come up with is that he was temporarily insane?
Yeah, I'll bet you want to forget the whole thing!
But guess what, being angry at her for trying to ruin your life when it was a) your husband who shagged her b) it is now currently your husband who is doing FA to stop her from contacting him, yes, including finding a new job is way off base.
As for reporting her to HR, are you serious?!
Your husband shagged her, and tbh if she's still texting him like this, I'd be willing to wager that it isn't just a one-night stand.
The reality is that you're married to a twat. Because only a twat would risk losing his/her marriage and family over what is effectively a piece of arse.
It's a tad cruel but take a pair of his boxers, give them to her and let her know that this is the only way she'll ever have of experiencing getting into his pants again. Do it in public
Worked for me although dp hadn't done the nasty so I told her it was as close to getting in his pants as he'd ever get
Alternatively, rip her head off and use it for a football.
Don't get mad, get even
Oh, I don't know, as long as he's perfectly comfortable working, socialising with and taking texts from her, it sounds like she might have a pretty good shot at getting in his pants again.
It's not like he put up a lot of resistance the first time.
I'm always mildly amazed at women who direct all their anger at the other woman whenever their husbands screw around on them.
Should have put that dh should be doing all that btw, you shouldnt have to do a thing except accept the cups of tea and bunches of flowers he should be bringing you for the next 5 years.
If he wont do it you need to question why.
You are obviously far too nice. I would have told him that I may leave him, not given him the bloody choice! I'm afraid I agree with the previous point that it sounds as though more went on than he's telling you. For all you know this woman may have good reason to think she's still in with a chance. You need to tell her kindly but firmly that she's wasting her time as you have decided to try and make your marriage work, so she's in no doubt as to your strength. Then you need to tell your wanker of a husband that you have had absolutely enough of being his doormat and make him understand what a terrible thing he's done to you and that the least he could do is get another job. And for gods sake stop socialising with these people! You sitting there letting them be together in the same room really does just say 'I'm a doormat, don't mind me or my feelings'. Please have more self respect than that, you're setting feminism back fifty years!
I actaully think that the OP is behaving with immense dignity, far more so than the inadequates who think it's justifiable to resort to violence over a breach of monogamy.
For one thing, to a lot of sane peole, a partner's one-night stand with someone else is upsetting but not the end of the world, it can be moved on from. TBH, if you trust your partner (and you say he is not replying to the woman) I would carry on acting like nothing has happened. She will eventually get bored and give up - or find someone else to be 'in love' with.
yeah I think she is too (acting with dignity)
does OW know you know? That is the only thing I would wonder. I think, if she doesn't, he or you should tell her.
I'm not inadequate at all. I'm doing well in my studies while struggling with no money, an emotionally abusive relationship and I still manage to be a reasonably good parent, so there's nothing inadequate about me, for the record. Comments like that are what I fucking hate about Mumsnet.
Join the discussion
Please login first.