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how do I help dd cope with affair aftermath (long, sorry)

(18 Posts)
anothermum92 Sat 04-Jul-09 23:55:54

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StirlingTheStrong Sun 05-Jul-09 00:22:23

Hi AM92 - I had been wondering how you were doing smile

You get people telling you that one day the man will suddenly realise what he is losing, but then it may be too late to do anything about it, as you will have gone too far down the road of getting on with your life on your own.

It sounds like it is up to you now - do you want him back?? Or are you ready to move on?

Dont make any decision on what he (or the dc) wants, it has to be what you want.

I have wondered what I would do in your position, but fear I am too far down the "getting on with my life, on my own" road to go back now sad

Whatever you do, do it for you, no-one else x

anothermum92 Sun 05-Jul-09 00:37:34

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StirlingTheStrong Sun 05-Jul-09 00:42:10

Sorry - missed the point about DD.

My oldest DD is 7 (actually 8 today, Sunday) and we have told all 3 we are having problems but it hasn't had much effect as yet, probably because we are all still in the same house.

I think with your DD you just need to be as honest as you can. She must know what has happened, so let her know that you now want to be friends and if things change again, just make sure she knows. It is a hard step to take without raising hopes.

Good luck smile

StirlingTheStrong Sun 05-Jul-09 00:46:28

Sorry - x post.

We do still live together but that is more because of the fact that h is without a job because he gave up his last job (in Dec) to get away from ow and then kept in touch with her (so, that was worth it!!)

He thought he would walk into another job, but it hasn't happened - I just hope it happens soon so we can both get on with our lives.

StirlingTheStrong Sun 05-Jul-09 00:47:31

Shall catch up tomorrow - off to bed now x

ChasingSquirrels Sun 05-Jul-09 01:48:18

Hi both,

No idea on your DD, just wanted to drop into conversation - having been there with you both last year.

Mine told me last week that he regretted having left. I actually feel fantastic about that, despite feeling very sad about the whole situation. Alot of the things he said were things I was saying last March. However, he is now with someone else, and I might be getting into something, and I don't think either one of us could go back now - although even just 3 months ago I don't think I could have given a catagoric "no". TBH, if he and his (what? gf, partner - ??) split up and he wanted to try dating - would I say no? I think so, but I'm not 100% sure. I still love and care for him, but I'm not "in love" with him. And I have been hurt too much to want to go back there again.

I guess you continue to support your dd, let her talk about it etc.

If something does progess with your H would your dd need to know? At least initially?
I certainly know that if/when I start a new relationship I don't want my boys involved for quite some time - I want to be fairly certain about it before I introduce them into it. And I think the same could apply with dating your ex?

HappyWoman Sun 05-Jul-09 08:41:42

I think the hardest thing is accepting that things will never ever be how they were - in effect the old marriage is over and maybe still going ahead with the divorce is a way to mark that.
You can still have a relationship with him just not the same as you had before - it could be better though.

The thing rings warning bells for me the fact that HE doesnt want a divorce - wtf.
He still wants things on his terms doesnt he? Also is it the fact that he is no longer with the ow??

Would he consider a relationship with you even if you divorce? I think that would give you the clear space that you owe him nothing and if it does not go well you wont have to start the process again.

You can see it as a piece of paper - i did not get as far as you have - but i still will not take my vows again. I still consider that my h broke all his promises to me and he is the one who has to make those again not me.

Mumfun Sun 05-Jul-09 09:04:53

Really feel for you -Im a bit further back in the process than you.

Some wise folk on another site have said that if you divorce it still doenst mean you cant get back togeether. But I do understand the confusion for the children. You could hold off on the divorse for a while. But as others said beware always doing what he wants -look after yourself and kids

anothermum92 Sun 05-Jul-09 10:25:42

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Greyclay Sun 05-Jul-09 13:29:18

Hi there - although I have not been in your situation directly (but have been divorced), I thought it might be worthwhile to reiterate that whatever happens with you and your H in the end, keep emphasizing to your dd that none of this is her fault. I assume you're doing this anyway but I am always surprised at how children process things in the world around them that are beyond their control. Best of luck with everything. You sound very strong.

HappyWoman Mon 06-Jul-09 16:15:23

Been thinking about this today and the problem is not now but in the future if you do get back together - it is really hard work to make sure you never drift back to 'normality' iyswim.
What you saw as a happy marriage obviously was not enough for him before so why should it be now?

That is the biggest hurdle is still have to overcome - and somedays i am not sure i do it that well - but everyday i try and do more for me and live the life i want.
I sometimes feel selfish for this and i do think h would rather it returned to the 'good old days' when i was at his beck and call 24/7.
The old me has gone and i am still coming to terms with this new version of me and what my marriage is nowsmile.

Good luck with whatever you do - and remember that you can always change your mind if it does not make you feel good.

anothermum92 Mon 06-Jul-09 22:16:44

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HappyWoman Tue 07-Jul-09 04:15:51

I was really determined to not always bring it up - however there is a BA (before affair) and AA (after affair) feeling.

Actually i think it has been harder for my h - if i am feeling a bit down he tends to think i am brooding about it - which often i am not, but he seems to want to 'punish' himself about it all too. We have been lucky in that we have found a really good councellor who has been willing to let us both let off steam from time to time. I will often send her email updates and she will help me too.

I think too he has found the whole thing so dreadful i doubt he would ever be so stupid again - he certainly thinks about his actions and the impact they have on others far more than he ever did.
Why should someone else get to have the 'new improved h'? I have put up with all the shite after all.
I think if people could have a taste of the destruction that affairs have on lives they would think twice.
My h has been lucky in that he was able to realise just how dreadful he was and managed to change.

I think it is a bit like smoking (or any other habit really) you have been told how it could impact on your life but actually until you are diagnosed with cancer you just cant quite believe it will happen to you. Funny how easy it is to give up smoking when you actually realize - but it is often too late sad.

Too many people dismiss affairs as 'not their bussiness' and accept that they are a part of normal life and dont really do any harm.
We are all brainwashed into thinking that being selfish is the better way - 'you only live once' attitude. And so much time is spent finding what really makes us happy and fulfilled.
We seem to have lost respect for ourselves and each other - dont i sound like an old woman??

I think the only way forward for you is to 'accept' that whatever you thought you had is gone and take things very slowly - there is no rush - you could be just friends and if it is meant to be then it will one daywink.

StirlingTheStrong Wed 08-Jul-09 00:04:15

So true HP!

That can be so hard though - accepting your marriage, as you knew it, is in the past, sort of like accepting that someone you love has died and you will never see them again.

I am sure that may sound rather over-dramatic to someone who hasn't gone through that sort of betrayal.

I think AM92, if you and your h are going to try again it must be as two completely different people - Not the two that were in the previous marriage. He must start again, asking you out on dates and you must decide whether you want to be with this (new) person.

Is he good enough for you? Or would you be settling for him because of the dc?

Take the dc out of the equation. They are already aware of your problems. This new relationship must be what you want.

Let us know what happens smile

HappyWoman Wed 08-Jul-09 07:49:46

And actually in some ways i think my h likes the 'new' me morewink. The worst thing is the not trusting anyone anymore - poor salesmen get a very hard time from me nowgrin.

It is still taking some getting used to myself - and i agree striling until you have experienced it you have no idea what emotions it will bring up. And i dont think you are being too dramatic when you say it is like losing a loved one - they are the feelings i had - somedays i used to think it would have been easier if he had died, as we could have all cherished the good memories.

That is another thing that is hard even good memories pre affair are tainted somehow 'were you not happy then or then or then.....?'
But i have also had to accept that at the time he was never thinking about all the good times that he would be throwing away.

HappyWoman Wed 08-Jul-09 07:54:10

You need to get to a point where the affair is part of your life without being a negative force iyswim.

which is another reason i think it is important to be open with family and friends and not push it under the carpet.

Yes it happend - if we can live with it then so can others, it is something that we have both learned a lot from and so is no longer this awful thing that happened.

anothermum92 Fri 10-Jul-09 21:46:24

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