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we hit's all too much

(32 Posts)
ksmm Sat 04-Jul-09 23:34:42

Ok this is going to be a long one....I slapped my husband today.....that's half way through the story...sorry but this will be a long one.
We met, married and got pregnant straight away. I had TB during pregnancy and also suffer from lupus. This all affected baby and she had heart block, I was told to have an abortion, i my dd is 6 years old and healthy 9with a pacemaker) after she was born we moved out of his parents house (Thank god) and I though that would be good, but it was just easier to argue reeeeeeally loudly. Then the money problems started and to cut a lonbg story short sometimes I never had money for milk...but he still found a way to live in this lavish 4-bed house and have a 'keeping up with the jones' lifestyle and managed his friday nite boys evening. I was at home all day and he came and went as he pleased, we argued alot, then I found out i was pregnant again dd was only 6 months old but we were both hapopy. 3 months into the pregancy we fought everyday and then it came....he hit me...threw me on the bed and went out. I left him...obviously came back after a few days. he hit me again when I was 6 months pregnant for about 10 minutes he slapped me while i was in bed just so easily. it became easier and happened about6-7 times and he spat at me while i was on the floor. Funny thing is i'm so strong and fiesty, the kind of girl who takes no s**t. People would be amazed if they knew i was in this mess. fast forward now and dd is 6 ds is 5 and things have been calm and happy but money problems are horrendous. we have people knocking on the door asking for wages, threats on the phone (DH has own business)and my once cool temperment is completely out of control. I used to be a lovely woman, pretty, confident and intelligent, now i'm a screaming mother who is ugly inside and out. So now to the present day, he no lkonger shouts it's me, but he talks to me like he talks to a dog, and started barking at breakfast, i screamed back and then he took my juice and poured it over mey food, i threw the plate at him and then it happended..i slapped him, then he slapped me and it went on...i now have a hand the size of a baseball and he's gone out. Help me please

BCNS Sat 04-Jul-09 23:38:38

urrr why are you still together?

serious retorical question..

this is not a healthly relationship for your children to see, be around.. or even hear.

split up and do your dc's a favour please.

ksmm Sat 04-Jul-09 23:42:11

how...i can't there's so much more to the story...he works hard (not fruitfully but he's a grafter) and I love him. wat about my parents the will die. I'm scared

BCNS Sat 04-Jul-09 23:47:14

well. seriously and I'm not being hard..

it doesn't matter if you love him.. it doesn't matter about your parents.. and it doesn't matter if your scared.. to be quite frank..

you DC's need the both of you to not be anywhere near each other... flipping heck they are the only important people in this situation.. and it's a situation that they haven't asked for nor do they want.. and it can really emotionally harm them to be put through this crap.

so please put them first.

I am talking from experience BTW.. and I'm not picking on you.

expatinscotland Sat 04-Jul-09 23:48:17

YOU need to help yourself before anyone can help you.

You need to start by fleeing this relationship.

No matter what.

Your children are living with domestic abuse.

You need to get out.

Sorry, but there really is no other way to help you.

WingsTHEangel Sat 04-Jul-09 23:54:41

You put this all down to financial problems ?

I think that is not your only problem.

Take you and your children away from this situation, if your don't have family or friends you can turn to then there is other help out there.

Do it for your children.

ksmm Sun 05-Jul-09 00:05:49

All i want to be is the happy and caring person i used to be, pateint and loving. can it still not be possible to sort it out if money was ok and stess wasn't there? And I sort my messed up head out, and ignore his work problems? or am i clutching at straws?

I hope I haven't painetd a bad picture of my relationship with my children...they are my life and I do ALL for them I take them out i cuddle them i play with them i do it all whole heartedly just to keep them happy and they are happy children but they saw this fight today

I wouldn't know where to start if i left..and it would have to be me who goes..he wouldn't leave and i don't have the energy to make hi...and anyway we have to leave our house (rented) by 23rd july...he didn't pay the rent...3 houses in 3 years

beanieb Sun 05-Jul-09 00:14:15

You poor thing. Can you talk to someone about the situation? He shouldn't be hitting you, you shouldn't be hitting him. You can get help here at woman's aid what is happening is not right for either of you, nor your children.

You won't necessarily have to leave your home but is there somewhere you can go where you would feel safe?

mamalovesmojitos Sun 05-Jul-09 00:22:17

this thread has gone a bit quiet, perhaps because nobody can answer in the way you want them to.

you are clutching at straws.

i've no doubt you adore your children and do all for them, but its not enough if they have to live in a house of violence.

you will have support on here and i hope you will have support in rl. but six years is enough time wasting. some people in your situation live in fear, make excuses and carry on deeper into debt and despair, throwing away their lives and happiness. their children suffer.

some people stand up and reclaim their lives and doing that you can provide a happier, more secure environment for your children.

you know what you have to do.

BCNS Sun 05-Jul-09 00:24:01

no not painted a bad picture of your relationship with your dc's.. just sad to think they are privvy to this going on.

just imagine yourself.. being in a pub where a fight breaks out between to huge blokes..and they are right near you..

not nice huh.. and you don't have to worry about if it was your fault or if mummy and daddy don't love each other anymore etc etc..

if you have your eviction letter.. then take that to the council.. as well as tell them what has been going on.. they wil house you and the dc's.. do not take H with you.

you will be able to start a fresh and be the happy caring lovely mummy etc..

ksmm Sun 05-Jul-09 00:27:59

I know. I guess i'm on here hoping someone will tell me, 'don't worry hang on in there, u love eachother' and although i have broken it down in a nut shell and seems like we fight like this every day rather than twice a doesn't make it right because the bickering is there as are the happy times and affection but those are few are far between.

I do know wat i have to do and sitting here waiting for soemone to tell me otherwise just won't happen will it?

please don't go quit on me guys, I want to make a decison's been a long timing coming and my deadline has to be now.

BCNS Sun 05-Jul-09 00:32:09

we can't make that decision for you.. we can only tell you what we think.. it's not our or our childrens lives.

Tortington Sun 05-Jul-09 00:39:59

if yo truly loved your kids you wouldnt subject them to this shit.

you get in a row with him and you see - you and him in a row.

but its not about you - or him its about them.

your both selfish selfish selfish people

SolidGoldBrass Sun 05-Jul-09 00:48:01

'Love' is a myth and vastly over-rated. Do not use it as an excuse for staying in a horrible situation - it's perfectly possible to get away and live well.
ON the optimistic side, it's also feasible that, even when (or in fact especially when) the coule-relationship is as fucked up as this one, once you separate and start putting the DC first and only communicating with each other about the DC, that you can actually build a functioning co-parent relatinship.

ksmm Sun 05-Jul-09 00:50:59

that's my point. I'm trying to keep them in a 'family' with both a mum and dad who love them and eachother i'm trying to make the relationship work. is that being selfish? I know without doubt that today's fight was bad and as BSNS said the dc's had to be privvy to it.

But the bigger picture is that out of 365 days 2 are bad ( no disput whatsover) and most are good that me being selfish.

I know that we shouldn't be together.

And i do truly love my kids. i'm trying to sort it out that's why i'm here asking for advice.

ksmm Sun 05-Jul-09 00:54:53

Sorry 'post's overlapped my one was in response to custardo.

thanks all for responses. thanks BCNS for ur numerous ones. no i don't think your picking on me, your are being straightforward and honest. Thnaks solidgold brass. the future doesn't have to be bleak.

JonAndHate Sun 05-Jul-09 00:56:00

do you feel he's controlling? what sort of things are you arguing about?

ksmm Sun 05-Jul-09 01:03:50

he can be especialyy about money. but i'm not scared of him...however i give into the 'money decisions' even though i know he's wrong. I do this because he spits his dummy out if he doesn't get his way and just sulks and i don't have the energy to argue.

we argue about money, who does more, the fact that i never get to be alone and he does, but 99% is money related

twoclimbingboys Sun 05-Jul-09 01:22:50

you need to put your children first and spilt from him

SolidGoldBrass Sun 05-Jul-09 01:41:27

You sholdn;t be together by the sound of it. You may well be able to build a working, happy, comfortable co-parent relationship once you STOP trying to have a couple-relationship, because that is clearly not working at all.

JonAndHate Sun 05-Jul-09 01:43:18

Not really sure if I should even post this because I don't want to minimise the seriousness of DV or what's been happening to you but could you be going through this?

I'm really sorry if I'm reading this totally wrong (in which case you really need to call a helpline and get advice on your options)...

PurpleOne Sun 05-Jul-09 05:23:28

to quote jeremy kyle 'you SHOULD NOT be together'

to be too tired to argue is emotional abuse. get out while your dcs are young enough not to carry this shit through their lives too.


ksmm Sun 05-Jul-09 10:00:25

JonandHate that's exactly wat we're going through. didn't even know ther was a name for it.

Thinking clearer this morning after a good sleep. he came home at 2am and we didn't speak just went to sleep. The same i true for this morning.

I'm spending the whole day out with my parents and am going to tell them wats been going on and wat i am going to do, i will need their support.

And then i wll look for a place to live and be out by 23rd july. I don't think i'm going to discuss it with him as we always have the 'im leaving u' conversation after a row and no one ever does. or he manages to convince me it's a bad idea. or he laughs because he 'knows' i will never go through with it.

I don't blame him for all of it. I should have had more self control and even though he was the cause of the bad money decisons and over spending which ruined me financially, i should have been strong enough to put my foot down and get on with it rather than wait for him to create a miricale.

I should have remained the person i was before all of this mess. And not turned into a screamer and certainly not allowed him to hit me....and most importantly i shouldn't have hit him yesterday.

My DC's this morning have been amazing to watch they have been laughing and playing and making me cards like they do every sunday and then wake me up to show me their masterpieces. as if nothing I know that they remember it all. and i hope their is a chance they may forget it when older but i'm not taking the chance for them to be subject to it EVER AGAIN.

Thanks all. Even Custardo. I was angry with u yesterday for calling me selfish, but t kicked me into action and made me realise that i probably am even if it was without intention.

tribpot Sun 05-Jul-09 10:09:57

You didn't 'allow' him to hit you any more than he 'allowed' you to hit him. He is entirely to blame for his violence and behaviour and so are you.

Please do confide in your parents and I hope you can get the help you need.

HolyGuacamole Sun 05-Jul-09 12:55:44

The thing is, when you are with someone, you choose do deal with money problems, relationship problems, work problems together. Everyone has arguments but not everyone resorts to hitting each other. If you love and respect someone and they love and respect you, then you would never put your hands on them in anger and vice versa.

In the future you might love someone else who doesn't hurt you. He is not the one and only option for you. You don't just find one person, love them and stay with them regardless because that's what's expected. You didn't sign up for this.

Get out of this situation, it is horrendous for your children and you don't want them growing up thinking that this is normal and for them to go on and have similar relationships themselves in future.

Hope your talk goes well with your parents. I am sure you will feel much better sharing this with them. Get your own independence, make your little family happy and maybe, just maybe, someone will come along in future who is worth letting in.

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