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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Need urgent advice: 15 year old girl in a dangerous domestic situation

32 replies

sleepyeyes · 04/07/2009 14:38

Gosh I just don't know where to start, I hope this doesn't sound too garbled.
I found out yesterday that a young cousin of mine ran to live with her father, she is 6 weeks from her 16th Birthday so her mother believes that there is nothing she can do. We are all utterly terrified for her, her father is a very dangerous twisted individual.
She has had very little contact with him her entire life, when she 6 weeks old baby he attacked her mother (whilst she was hold her) with a snooker cue that was my aunties wake up call that she needed to get away from him.
But his violence and derangement didn't stop there he stalked my aunt for years,threatened her, petrol bombed her car, had her beat up. He was also very very controlling.
One strange thing he would do was to make my aunt call her self a name that was very similar to his, I've just noticed on my cousins social networking page she has been calling herself that name!

He has also attempted suicide 3 times, been violent in many other relationships and been in prison and a mental health unit.

I can't stress how dangerous this man is and all the evil things he has done, he doesn't hit someone to hurt them he hits them to kill.

What can we do legally?

Personally I want to send her a message to let her know that no matter what I am here for her, call me any time day or night if she needs help and that if she doesn't want to live with her mum then come live with me.
BUT I'm also very tempted to tell her the truth about her fathers true nature and also how much she has hurt and worried everyone. But maybe that will drive her further away?

I so terrified that I will turn on a news channel at some point to see that he has committed a murder suicide with her.

OP posts:

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MaryBS · 04/07/2009 14:44

Are you sure there is nothing that can be done? She is still under 16, I'd be tempted to call social services or even childline, just to make sure.

dittany · 04/07/2009 14:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bigchris · 04/07/2009 14:48

yes I would call social services

sleepyeyes · 04/07/2009 15:51

Dittany You hit the nail on the head 'every child wants a father' this is exactly what this is all about. The sad thing is it didn't have to be like this, my aunt has never stopped him seeing my cousin and has put aside her own personal feeling to allow it. The last time contact broke down was because my aunt said she would rather he would just pick my cousin up rather than hang around for an hour chatting to her and trying to get info about her life from her, she had just had a baby and her best friend had just died she didn't have the strength to deal with him. So he refused to return my cousin after that weekend, moved her into an unknown girlfriends house so she couldn't be found and started taunting my aunt with phone calls. This is all about his obsession with my aunt had controlling and terrifying her, basically doing what he promised to do if she ever left.

Basically the legal stand point seems to be that there has never been any legal residency between them, she in the eyes of the law is old enough to make up her own mind.
My aunts already called the police they managed to pick her up, she was so hesiterical and abusive they threatened to take her to a cell. My aunt is terrified of what might happen to her if she calls them again.

I agree none of this is her fault and her mum also has to take some blame on how she has been treating her. I feel so fucking helpless. This man is a so utterly dangerous.
I'.m just terrified she may experience what his true nature is like.

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FenellaFudge · 04/07/2009 15:56

Does she know what her father has done to her mother over the years?

lisad123 · 04/07/2009 15:58

call ss and police, she is still a minor and as long as they are aware of history, they will make a quick removal and return her to mum

GypsyMoth · 04/07/2009 16:11

Lisa. They won't make a removal based on hearsay only. If he's her father, has pr and mother hasn't got a residency order, then it's up to the mother to get an emergency court hearing. If no immediate danger,and girl says she wants to stay, then not much can be done

lisad123 · 04/07/2009 16:14

but the police would have a record of the rprison, the volience and ss would have a record of the MH issues, so would be hearsay.

edam · 04/07/2009 16:15

Sleepy, that must be absolutely terrifying. Could your aunt see a solicitor about an emergency court order? His criminal record and history of being an inpatient (sectioned?) in a mental health unit should mean she has strong grounds for this, I would imagine. (But have no professional or personal experience, sorry.)

GypsyMoth · 04/07/2009 16:17

It's all past stuff. And would need to be recent for concerns to be raised. Also, police won't routinely check his background. Just his record for anything current or outstanding. That's all.

sleepyeyes · 04/07/2009 16:26

bugchris social services where involved 2 years ago when after the incident where he refused to return her after a weekend with her my cousin decided she never wanted to see him again. He then made very shocking and utterly false accusations about my aunt and claimed she was starving her baby, luckily SS worked out very quickly that it was a false allegation and gave her advice on how to protect herself from him and also recommended that he be kept away from my cousin.

My aunt is worried he will make more false allegations and that she could loose her toddler. And in 6 weeks times SS will walk away because my cousin will be 16.

Is there any sort of techniques used in persuading domestic violence suffers from leaving?

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sleepyeyes · 04/07/2009 16:37

edam: I think he has been sectioned at least twice possibly 3 times in the last decade, each time he attempted suicide he would insist my aunt would visit otherwise he would refused to be treated (although I think in those circumstances they could have anyway) the last time she told that he really need to learn to kill himself properly and she wasn't going to visit. Funnily enough he hasn't tried since.
On Monday (are the courts closed at weekends?) My DH and I will try speak to a lawyer. Is their any law or legal act we could argue?

Even after her 16th could there be any type or ruling or law that could force her home on the basis that she isn't mature enough to make a decision to live with a violent criminal with mental health problems?

Ilovetiffany: How recent? A lot of his abuse and control has gone on since my aunt left. It was only 4/5 years ago he petrol bombed her car! She has to go into hiding with my cousin.
If we wait for something recent, it will probably be him attacking my cousin. She is a skinny 5'2 he is a body building 6'3. I don't fancy her chances.

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lisad123 · 04/07/2009 16:38

if ss havebeen involved before they should have copies of all the previous difficulties, so realy would call them asap.

FenellaFudge · 04/07/2009 16:39

Has she spoken to anyone about her reasons for going to be with her dad?

sleepyeyes · 04/07/2009 16:42

lisad123: Am I right in thinking you work in SS?
Are they opened at the weekend?
Will it be a matter of record that only 2 years ago after his false allegations they recommended (verbally) to my aunt she keep my cousin away from him because in there opinion he was dangerous?
I'm certain they also did a background check into him at the time too, mainly because he had pretty much kidnapped my cousin.

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GypsyMoth · 04/07/2009 16:47

What did the police do about the petrol bombing incident?and how did the courts deal with it?

sleepyeyes · 04/07/2009 16:54

Fenella: My aunt has tried her best never to bad mouth him but I think over the years little bits and pieces might have leeked out over the years from other family members. But no one the whole I don't think she knows about the very very worsed. I really want to tell her about the incident with the snooker cue, the fact that she should have an older brother but doesn't because of her dad, that I can't eat a fecking ferrero rochey because when I do I can hear her mothers screams for help when he attacked her when she tried to escape to our house. He ripped out huge chunks of her mothers hair that time.
How the fact that even after her mum left him she never was quite was the same person again and how much it breaks my heart that she will never meet that funny strong happy light up a whole room person that her mother once was.

Why she is there well I think it's a mixture of her thinking she's an adult and can do as she pleases, fights with her mother and the fact that our beloved granny died last year and her dads mum lives with him, so she gains a granny.
If only she knew that that 'granny' would listen to her son beat her mother and do nothing to help.

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sleepyeyes · 04/07/2009 16:58

Ilovetiffany: They couldn't prove it was him, but afterwards his sister came to my aunt and confirmed it (my aunt I don't know how knew it was him) was him but wouldn't go to the police but just to warn her to keep herself safe.

Say If I and some other family members were to remove her forcible (non-violently) would that be legal?

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sleepyeyes · 04/07/2009 17:00

If I call SS do I need an address for where he lives?

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GypsyMoth · 04/07/2009 17:03

how do you remove her? Would you all want to confront him and have her just run back anyway?

So it was never proved. The other things? Were they dealt with via the legal system?

I think you should just leave her to it ( I have a 15 year old dd and an ex who sounds similiar) she will soon realize if he's as bad as you all fear. You can't make her do anything really. What has he done recently, by that I mean over the past 6 months?

dittany · 04/07/2009 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FenellaFudge · 04/07/2009 17:17

Your poor aunt. To have been put through all that and now her daughter has chosen to be with him. Teenagers really can be bloody-minded.

She must surely be aware of a good deal of it? anything she doesn't know; tell her.

Just talk to her and hope she sees sense, but ultimately she can pretty much do as she pleases.

sleepyeyes · 04/07/2009 17:21

Ilovetiffany: Yes many were dealt through the legal system and many were not due to her being terrified. An ex-girlfriend has a restraining order against him and soon after disappeared with their daughter.

HOW CAN I LEAVE HER? He is violent to a such an extent on many occasions he tried to kill her mother. This isn't the type of man that gives his partner a slap or a punch this is the type of man that puts knifs to a womans throat or beats her wife a snooker cue. I'm terrified she will find out what he is like!

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GypsyMoth · 04/07/2009 17:27

Well I really don't see what you can do! My ex was the same, violent to me, but not the DC. He's been violent to new partners too and been to prison for it. But courts still say he should have a relationship with him!

What other option do you have? Just leave your number with her, it's her call

sleepyeyes · 04/07/2009 17:27

dittnay your right, I feel like if I call her I might get hysterical thats why I'm trying to straightening out my thoughts here. Your right she is old enough I will send her a message and tell her the truth, give her till Monday if I don't hear back call SS.
Yes I would rather she did come to live with me, it's something I've hoped for this past year. If not she can live with our Grandfather, our uncle or my mum, we all love her so much, she is a fantastic kid, so amazingly bright and sweet natured.

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