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(10 Posts)
turnedupsidedown Sat 04-Jul-09 00:58:14

Just found my dh looking at well you know.....

He is a father, christian with position in the church.

I feel totally degraded he has looked afar-I have had a gynae problem which has frustrated me as much as him. He says it is different for men. It is wrong- he knows my background too, my feelings on this.

Help- I don't know what to do-too late to phone anyone.....been sick, have children. At this moment I want to throw him out.

DD found something on his PDA a while ago and when I asked he said it was from the system at work- not his- what a fool I have been....I am a regular poster, but have name changed. Oh shit...

Tortington Sat 04-Jul-09 01:03:08

sorry you are going through this, i wouldn't find it a problem - but i guess thats not a lot of help - its a cultural thing almost for you. I am a christian too - but not devout in my religeon.

i think nightime enhances these things 0 in the calm light of day - it is something you need to discuss.

perhaps you should discuss other ways of pleasuring each other without sex

turnedupsidedown Sat 04-Jul-09 01:08:47

i just neeed to talk to someon and it is 0100 and I can't say anymore on a public board. It does matter-we are, well I thought we were at one with this.It may not be a big thing to some, but he holds a responsible position and he is such a hypocrite.....the fact he has looked at other women, the fact he has lusted after other women....he has lied, betrayed me, God etc....

toomanystuffedbears Sat 04-Jul-09 01:14:15

I would be disturbed too.

It might be something that you will never understand.

But you will need to decide whether or not you can live with the knowledged that he has that in his life. At a minimum, I would demand that it be kept absoulutely hidden-for you, your dc, and himself re: the community opinion.

blinks Sat 04-Jul-09 01:14:57

so is wanking unchristian?

mrsboogie Sat 04-Jul-09 01:23:15

What was he looking at exactly?

I don't understand why you would think that his being a Christian or having a position in Church would make him any less likely to look at porn. Why would observance of a particular religion make this such a shock? He is a man, an animal; those other things are just cultural accoutrements.

I understand that you are upset because you feel betrayed and all that but he would be lusting after other women no matter what. Most men, and quite a few women, don't think there is anything bad about this, supernatural beliefs notwithstanding.

You need to calm down.

turnedupsidedown Sat 04-Jul-09 01:41:56

It is called self control, it is called respect for one's wife. There is more to this than you may think. We are clearly told about sexual immorality-yes I/we equate porn with that, in the Bible. You will all shoot me down, but I know that many of our friends would feel the same as me.I will just have to wait until morning until I can phone someone who knows me and who will understand.

SO please don't patronise me by telling me to calm down- i am allowed to be upset, it is probably going to be ok as I believe in forgiving people, but I have to learn to trust that he will not do it again and if he needs help then so be it..

We are all entitled to our views but telling somone to calm down at this point ain't helpful.

NotQuiteCockney Sat 04-Jul-09 06:59:20

Well, you are absolutely entitled to your views, obviously. And this has clearly upset you, and goes against everything you believe in, and everything your husband claims to believe in.

But you will find all this much easier to deal with if you are calm and in control.

blinks Sat 04-Jul-09 10:06:23

self control is overrated.

good luck though. i do think he should be allowed to masturbate if he so desires. who are you to tell him what he can and can't do to his own body?

and don't think the people around you who you talk to about this don't have a fiddle with themselves. i can guarantee they do.

i worry more about people that don't.

tessofthedurbervilles Sat 04-Jul-09 10:25:07

I was married to a vicars son and he was very uptight about sex and denied any interest in porn whatsoever. When he left me for someone he worked with I found his porn stash...and what disturbed me the most was that he preferred the seedy secretive side of it than sharing or being honest about it with me.
What I am trying to say is that if it is something he wants to do please try to encourage his honesty, it is better than being secretive as it was the rot that did for my marriage.

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