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Just realised I have been an idiot......gutted please help.

(14 Posts)
tessofthedurbervilles Fri 03-Jul-09 22:17:36

I have just realised I have been well and truly had and cannot stop crying. I'm mixed up so please bear with me...
Got pregnant at the end of a relationship he said he wanted me to terminate or go it alone so I decided to go it alone. I guess I always hoped he would love the baby and take an interest.
After a really rocky relationship during my pg I had the baby and he turned up at hospital and was ok but going through the motions.
Since baby born (6 weeks) he has said I live too far away (30 min drive) has given me no £ or brought anything. Has seen baby a couple of times.
He was texting me rude messages and I responded as I suppose I was enjoying the attention. He came over and while we didn't have sex we were fairly intimate. Not seen him since and not heard from him.
I now realise that everytime I saw him during my pregnancy we had sex and I have been a total idiot. I am not sure what to do now, if I tell him what I think he will twist it and it will be my fault.
I'm so lonely, tired and low where the hell do I get strength from?

twoclimbingboys Fri 03-Jul-09 22:24:50

He sounds like a shit.
You have the strength and will manage - sending hugs.

Do you have family locally?

tessofthedurbervilles Fri 03-Jul-09 22:32:35

I have some support but finding all the promises of help and support are dwindling off which is fair enough its my bed to lie in. He knows he only has to pay me a bit of attention and I go running.
Cannot believe my life has come to this....thank god for my dc though!

poshwellies Fri 03-Jul-09 22:33:40

I went through what you are suffering now-15 yrs ago.

You WILL get through this my dear,you honestly will.

Cut all sexual ties,don't respond to sexual or flirty texts/calls-keep it to 'Do you want to visit and see OUR child'

Contact CSA and get support from family and friends.

My daughters father hasn't seen her since she was 3 months old-after I told him I wouldnt be his sex object and that he had to be a father to his daughter BUT my life is much happier.

toomanystuffedbears Fri 03-Jul-09 22:38:52

What poshwellies said.

Don't let him use you anymore. Set a definite boundary regarding sex-I wouldn't even hold his hand until you understand his intentions.

Take one thing at a time, one day at a time. You will get through.

tessofthedurbervilles Fri 03-Jul-09 23:06:17

Thanks, I think now the penny has dropped, and believe me looking back I cannot believe what a stupid person I was not to see the obvious.
I suspect he is looking for a way out of dc's life and know if I start the discussion about him using me it will end with him huffing and cutting ties with dc - then blaming me when the dc wants to look him up in years to come...keep crying for my poor dc and how anyone can be so awful to a gorgeous little thing like this.

RumourOfAHurricane Fri 03-Jul-09 23:16:16

Message withdrawn

twoclimbingboys Sat 04-Jul-09 08:57:54

tess - if it is any help caring for an LO gets easier the older they get. Blake (DS2) is 13 months now and all the hard work from when he was a newbie is forgotten. If you need some help just ask family for some assistance one day a week possibly?

2rebecca Sat 04-Jul-09 09:10:59

The baby is still his child and he should help pay to raise it to give your baby a more comfortable life. If he didn't want a baby he should have used effective contraception. I don't think men do get broody when they see babies they didn't really plan to have, they just panic. He may be a better father as he matures a bit, you both sound very young.
I'd contact the CSA when you're physically and emotionally stronger to get payments sorted out.

tessofthedurbervilles Sat 04-Jul-09 10:20:34

Thank you all, had a reasonable night of sleep the LO must have sensed mummy needed it!
He has told me that the CSA payments would affect any benefits I get and as he is self employed he did intimate that he would fix it so I get next to nothing.
I see no reason why the tax payer should pick up the tab so I will start the long trek down the csa path.
Am bf at the moment but will talk to a friend today about getting sometime (an hour would be golden) to myself.
Thanks all for the postive stories, it really does help and makes me realise that there is light at the end of the tunnel!

Hawkmoth Sat 04-Jul-09 11:41:40

Soon CSA will stop affecting your benefits at all. Now it is totally disregarded for the purposes of Housing Benefit, and you get £20 a week if you're on IS.

Sounds like a proper knob BTW. At least DD's "father" had the good grace never to darken my door.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sat 04-Jul-09 13:56:31

You won't be worse off if you claim maintenance but he will, as if he is made to give (I think) above £20 a week DWp will keep the rest but he will still have to give it to them. Knob. He can try to fiddle the system but he would be risking a lot as self employed if he started rigging his accounts - then you just shop him, easy.

Frasersmum123 Sat 04-Jul-09 17:11:45

He sounds like a twit, but you need to distance yourself from him otherwise he will keep hurting you. Do you still have any feelings for him?

nappyaddict Thu 16-Jul-09 21:01:13

Cut all emotional ties.

Ask him if he wants to come and see the baby. If he does then when he gets here say to him "right I'm going to do XYZ now whilst you spend time with LO." Don't feel like you need to sit with him, make small talk and be nice to him.

Only respond to text messages that are asking about LO. Ignore the rest. If on the phone or at your house he starts to cross the line give him one chance and say stop that else I'm putting the phone down/asking you to leave.

Ring the CSA.

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