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I am a bit fed up, DH is being a bit selfish I think and don't really know what to do, just a moan really.

(94 Posts)
PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 03-Jul-09 18:49:12

I was going to put it in AIBU, but firstly I am probably been a bit unreasonable, and he is too, and I am not in the mood for a flaming, and secondly, even if I am being unreasonable I don't really care, I feel these feelings and they are real regardless of the reasons. I just need to rant and I am sure I will feel much better!

DH is out of a job. He has been out of a job since january, he has applied for the odd job here and there, but to give him credit the job market is not good here in Devon, there are lots of people going for the same jobs. But he is also not applying for everything he possibly can. He says he is too old to start again doing a teenagers job, he has pride and why should he lose his pride?

Luckily we had a little in savings to tide us over. but it feels like he seems to think he won't have to sort out work until this money disappears completely. It was not what it was for.

I am 20 weeks pregnant. I have been working 32 hours a week since I went back to work when DD was 9 months old, she is now 3. I have suffered from hyperemesis, and have only just in the last few weeks felt well enough to stat living again, returned to work, have more energy.

Since DH has been house husband he has been responsible for DD and the cleaning/tidying of the house. He is great at looking after DD, but the housework he is useless at. The house has been chaos and I have not until recently had the energy to clean it (we also have building work going on so it is messier than normal due to storage issues). DH has tried in his view to keep on top of it, and he has looked after me, and it is not a skill of his, cleaning. He cleans, but not tidies if you get that. And he cooks most days for both DD and us, although often DD gets a quick thrown together something.

But my problem is that he does not spend all day every day cleaning, socialising DD (she is not at nursery as we had to withdraw her before she was 3 due to finances), looking for work. But he goes out to see friends, our friends, they come to visit, he drinks lots of tea, and he spends a LOT of time on the computer playing his computer games, probably does around 1 hour of cleaning/tidying/washing/etc a day if I am lucky, I come home from work and have to do more, to keep on top of it. DH does enough to feel justified in getting arsey about it when I moan, he feels he looks after DD and that is enough. He does not spend much time looking for work at all, I have no idea how much time when I am not here, but I know I often point out jobs for him, and he does not always bother to apply.

He goes out a lot in the evening, and since I have been ill it has occured more and more. We have argued extensively and had some arguments that came close to us splitting (he threatened to leave as he did not like my attitude). He promised he would not go out all the time, and when he is in we would spend more time together.

Anyway, we had a great weekend, we went to Hyde Park festival on sunday, got back late sunday night/early morning, I had the day off work, I then worked hard for DDs birthday, went out shopping for bits while he 'looked after DD' at a friends house, in the garden drinking tea. The next day, he went out to finish off and DD and I slept for 3 hours as I was exhausted and he was very pissed off that I had slept all afternoon instead of preparing for DDs birthday party the next day.

Tuesday (same day) he went out in the evening for a couple of hours to help a friend move.
Wednesday he went out to visit a friend for the evening 'so you can have an early night, I know you are tired'
thursday he went out to visit a friend as he has not seen him for a while.
this afternoon (after I worked an additional day at work) he asked for some 'me' time, sure I said, and he then came up to the park with DD and I. He then said 'i am going out for a bit ok?' and I said 'where' and he said 'to the xx pub to sit in the beer garden and have a beer with friends'

And I felt so jealous. He has such a social life, is spending our savings as all my money is going on bills, he does not do enough in the house for my liking, he is not looking for work. He is not providing for his family. If he does not work soon I will have to forfeit some maternity leave.

He always makes out like he is going out to 'give me space' 'he knows I am tired' or he is on the computer, and when I challenge him he says I am paranoid and he gets defensive and we argue and he turns it around, he says I am ungrateful for what he does, he does more than I realise, He thinks I want him to stop seeing people, or having a life, because I don't have one, because I am too tired in the evening to go out myself. I probably do to be honest.

God that was very long and its not even half of what I feel. If I say anything to him we will just argue. There is no way I can stop an argument, I cannot seem to explain to him what I feel without him turning it around.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 03-Jul-09 18:55:23

A couple of weeks ago, he lied to me about where he was going. And I found out as I needed to get hold of him and could not so I contacted a friend to call him at this person's house, as I had no number to call him there (his mobile was not on). She phoned back to say this person had not seen him for ages. So I called again several times and eventually got DH who said he was at 'xxs' house. I said 'no you are not' and he said, 'i am going there, i have just been to xx first' I asked him why he lied and we had a huge argument about it, as he said I was making a big deal and did he need to account for every step he makes. He said he feels I am stifling him and he lied to me as he did not want to me to grill him about who he is with and why. Eventually he promised not to lie again, but blamed me for making him lie still.

Then last week he went to a bbq, and he came home about midnight. I was not well so did not go. My friend called me the next day to check how I was and said in passing 'it was a really good evening, and every one left by 10pm so I was able to clean up and get to bed early'. I had not spoken to DH before this as he was still in bed when friend called. When he got up I gave him an hour to tell me he had gone elsewhere, and he did not tell me. I asked him where he had gone and he said 'oh i had to go to xx's as x was giving me a lift home and he was going there first'. He said it really defensively, like I was trying to catch him out, and to be honest maybe I was. But I just feel left out of so much and he does not talk to me about things any more.

PrincessToadstool Fri 03-Jul-09 18:55:43

Well FWIW I don't think you are being unreasonable, though I know you didn't ask. He does sound completely selfish to me - his life sounds very easy, and yours chaotic and full of responsibility - where is the sharing? You can have an early night whether he is in or out so he is completely taking advantage. How much is he spending seeing friends and drinking in pub gardens?

I don't really know what to suggest, what do you feel like doing about this?

PrincessToadstool Fri 03-Jul-09 18:57:34

Ok, I x-posted with you. You are pregnant and he is lying about where he is?

Honestly with that and your second post it sounds like he has the life of riley and the family stuff he just tolerates.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 03-Jul-09 19:01:28

To be fair this is probably the first time he had been to a pub in a while. He is not a huge drinker, and spends much of his time playing computer games at friends houses (thinks he is a teenager!).

What do I want to do? I don't know. i want to stop resenting him. I want him to start working harder. If the place was spotless or even much cleaner that it was, or if he worked hard to keep it that way but it did not stay that way on account of us having a 3 year old I would be much happier with him going out. I would even feel more like he needed space perhaps. I want him to get a job. I want him to realise he cannot do all these things if he is working, he cannot see his friends. For example he was meant to take DD to baby group last week but a friend came round instead and he did not go. I said that she is priority especially as she is not at nursery, he needs to tell his friends he cannot see them at that time on that day as he is busy, but he just won't. He got annoyed that he missed a friend who popped over for a cuppa last week when DH and I both took DD swimming, he was gutted he missed him!

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 03-Jul-09 19:07:15

Princess - he loves DD, but I think he tolerates me. I told him this before and he insists he loves me, he insists it is all me, either in my head, or because I have been ill it has been hard for him to know how to be with me, I have been demanding (I have been).

He never used to be like this, he never had secrets. He would have said something like 'i stopped off at a friends before I went to xx's' or 'had a great bbq, x needed to see xx do we stopped off there on the way home, he said hi' that kind of thing. But now he just does not say anything.

Its a viscious circle. He feels resentful for me being a nag, the more I nag the less he does so the more I nag the more upset I get. He does not think he does little, especially as sometimes it does take him ages to do a task. So in his eyes he has worked hard to do it, even if I then have to spend ages finishing it off. His answer is, it does not need doing, your choice. He thinks I am ungrateful.

PrincessToadstool Fri 03-Jul-09 19:12:48

Don't his friends have jobs? Or children/family lives/responsibilities? I wish I had that many friends to see in the daytime.

Do you trust him? I am not automatically suspicious of men so this isn't asking if you think he is cheating, NOTHING is making me think that - but why is he lying? Easy life? Less conversation with you? My DP has lied once or twice about really silly things but they annoyed me because I do think that someone who can lie about little things will lie about big things. That said I don't think my DP really has lied since - I am as sure as I can be. I am telling you this just because I want to reassure you that I am not looking for clues in your posts.

Have you been together a long time, or were you very young? Is he trying to squeeze in freedom before DC2 comes along? Is he worried about being a father to 2?

Portofino Fri 03-Jul-09 19:17:11

You are not being at all unreasonable. He is a husband and father, not a teenage boy! Shape up or ship out in mho. Lying about where is he is definitely not on. Rocket up the arse time.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 03-Jul-09 19:21:33

The friends he sees are those who a) a friend on maternity leave who brings her DD over to spend time with my DD - I am fine with that one as the kids socialise even though there is an age difference b) a friend who works away at festivals a lot and comes back periodically and when he does he spends a lot of time with DH as his DP works in the day c) a friend who works shift work so has time off on certain days in the week d) two friends who are unemployed and have been for a long time (and will probably stay that way). All our other friends work and they are often the ones he goes to see in the evenings.

I do not suspect he is cheating. I have asked him outright, even though I did not really suspect it, and he said not, and I beleive him. I think he is truthful in the reasons for his lying - he does not want me to nag me further about where he is going, what he is doing, and perhaps on some level he knows he is taking the piss a bit and does not want to advertise it? And I told him just what you said, the reason I am upset about the lying it it means I do not know if he is lying about other things - I also said how do I know he has not lied before and not got caught - most people do things a few times before they get caught, coincidental he got found out on the first time he has ever done it, and told him I do not like the path our relationship is going down where he thinks it is ok to lie to me rather than risk me being annoyed with him. It breaks the trust we have in each other.

We have been together for 10 years. Married for 18 months, we met when I was 21 and he was 25, so not that young, and he had a good lot of fun before me, and while we were childless together.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 03-Jul-09 19:24:24

Portofino - i sometimes feel like that. I think it would be easier on my own that like it is now. But I don't want the relationship to end. I love him very much, but don't want it the way it is now.
It seemed to change when I got pregnant for the second time, I don't know whether this is due to it coinciding with his losing his job (same month) or not, but I don't know how to change it back.

And if I give him an ultimatum? What if he calls my bluff? I want him to start behaving better, not leave. But I also want him to contribute again.

thesilverlining Fri 03-Jul-09 19:32:18

i don't think hes cheating I think hes just a selfish arse

SOrry but how dare her go off the pub and drink beer when he is out of work - sorry but his ONLY priority right now should be getting ajob - not "me time" or computer games etc

Sorry but he is being a very selfish little child

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 03-Jul-09 19:41:31

He says in response to this, when I say this to him 'so you are saying I have to stop living too? I lost my job through no fault of my own and I have to be punished for it? Stay at home doing fuck all while you go to bed early? I do work hard you know when you are not here, how would you know what I do? Just because it is not to your standard, and I look after DD, that is a job itself, I am allowed a life' or somesuch. He also thinks he does not have to become like me. But I am boring now because I have been unwell, and because I have to tidy the bloody house when I get home so I am too tired to do anything. I do go to bed early a lot. But i would love to have the energy to go go to the pub. Its not that I don't want to and he thinks I am like this through choice.

If he was working it would not be like this. He is stuck in a rut of domestic hell (in his eyes although he has not said as much) and he longs to escape it when he can, thats how it feels to me. If he just gets a job, any job, he will get out of that rut.

He has said he will only be going out for one pint this evening, said he will drive. We will see.

rookiemater Fri 03-Jul-09 19:43:01

Sounds like his not having a job could be the root of a lot of these issues, because if he was working he wouldn't have as much time and energy to go out in the evenings and you wouldn't expect the housework to be done.

Therefore why not drop the other stuff and purely focus on asking him about that, because probably at the minute he has given up because he feels he has to get a job, clean the house and not go out with his friends before you are happy, so has given up on all three. I'm not saying this is right, I'm just saying he might see it this way.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 03-Jul-09 19:43:58

How do I get him to see that he is being selfish though? That is the problem I am having. I can't tell him, he just won't hear it. I can't show him, as when I was sick and unable to do anything and the house went to rack and ruin he just did not get that it showed how much I do. If I do nothing now, he just does not get it, and thinks I am being pigheaded.

We are at loggerheads, and I don't know where to turn, or what to do, or say to move things forward in a positive way. And I have never felt like this before in our relationship and it is really frightening.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 03-Jul-09 19:49:00

rookie - i know what you are saying and I agree. Not that he should feel like this, but that it is how he is feeling. But concentrating on the work thing, we have done that, and the arguments have been awful. He says if he is forced into work he does not want to do it will destroy him, and he gets very very upset. He has done shit jobs for a long time and then he got a good one and was made redundant within 6 months as they cocked up their funding (charity). He thinks he is going backwards.

Our rows always end with him promising he will take anything. But he just wont do it. He won't apply for the shit jobs. He talks about it, he says 'oh I am thinking of doing this, or that, or the other' or 'i have seen this job for 20 hours, could do this and get another one on top of that' but then he does not apply.

And that has led us to here. As he will not focus on a job, and thus I am becoming resentful about everything.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 03-Jul-09 19:56:59

Now I don't really know what to do. Go to bed, or wait up and watch a movie with him when he gets back. Or maybe force myself to have some energy and go out to visit someone myself when he comes home.

I feel like I have turned into the woman who watches her husbands every move and is jealous of everything he does, and makes him suffer for it. I really don't want to be like that.

rookiemater Fri 03-Jul-09 20:06:26

Is there anyone else that can talk to him, a parent or sibling or someone that can make him realise how selfish he is being ?

I think part of the problem is that the two of you are now stuck in a negative discussion pattern and maybe the intervention of someone else would help him to get his ass in gear.

I do know of two blokes where they were useless about getting another job and in both cases the mothers filled in application forms and sent them off. At the time I thought it was b*llocks and grown ups should do their own stuff, but it was a turning point for both of these guys in the long run, so although it may be counter intuitive maybe some babying is required to get him into a new job, then hopefully he will get his self confidence back.

Do whatever makes you feel best this evening, but quite frankly the house isn't going to fall over if its not pristine.

PrincessToadstool Fri 03-Jul-09 20:10:56

Well, yes, actually while he is not earning any money he should not get to spend it as if he is - what happens when the savings run out?

What is your limit, for tolerance? Just think ahead... it started with excessive socialising, now a bit of casual lying, emotional separation from you? Easier to lie, then he doesn't have to talk to you? That is very sad, I think.

Don't wait up, you will feel so much more disappointment if that one pint was a lie. Put a film on and if you doze off, you doze off?

expatinscotland Fri 03-Jul-09 20:12:19

'I feel like I have turned into the woman who watches her husbands every move and is jealous of everything he does, and makes him suffer for it. I really don't want to be like that. '

If I were working my arse off to support a so-called partner to swan around all day and do FA I'd be pretty pissed off.

Sorry, but I'd kick him out. He's thirty^-^five years old. Sorry, but all these excuses 'maybe he's afraid of having two,' and blah blah blah are just enabling bullshit, IMO. He's a grown man!

Then you could get more child tax credits to put your child with a minder and at least come back to a house that hasn't been trashed all day.

When you have a family, you apply for and take whatever work you can!

I just applied for a housekeeping job in the hotel where my DH works because we need some more money and it's between the hours of 9.30 and 3.00 for 16 hours/week so we can work on swapping shifts out for childcare purporses.

Because that's what you do when you have a family and you're skint and need to put food on the table.

If he hasn't learned that then he can learn it on Job-Seeker's Allowance when they start forcing his lazy arse to go on work placements or get his benefits yanked.

Love is respect. Respect for oneself and respect for one's family.

PavlovtheForgetfulCat Fri 03-Jul-09 20:12:58

rookie - I agree the house will not fall over if not pristine, but at the same time when I come home to find DD eating tea in front of the tele while he is on the computer playing a computer game and the house in total chaos, and no clean clothes I get so upset. I took ALL the washing to the launderette and paid someone to wash, dry and iron it all to get on top of it, as despite it being lovely weather we have £30s worth and I just could to do it.

I really do not expect perfection, just some effort. ONE really tidy room for me to sit in when I get home from work is all I ask. Or for him to say, I have just completed an application for xx and posted it.

I do most of his applications as it is. And he leaves it until the day before its due in, gets stressed, and I have to do the printing as he gets angry with the printer. I cannot do any more than that. I am not his mother and did not sign up to be his mother when I entered this relationship, nor when we got married not 2 years ago.

Family are a no-no, his mother is in USA and deaf, he wont listen to his brother any more than me, and will resent me speaking to him, same with friends really. I can talk to a couple of people I guess, but he will likely consider those people either interfering, or will just agree with them. He does agree he needs to get a job. He just wont do it.

I will talk to a friend. You are probably right.

expatinscotland Fri 03-Jul-09 20:15:55

Oh, and someone will be along in a minute to say, 'Poor man, he's probably depressed. Get him to a GP'.

Well, I'm majorly depressed. Every fucking thing is a bloody effort. I have to paste a smile on my face every single day because inside I mostly feel just numb.

It is not a get out of life free card and an excuse to take the piss out of my family and home.

Alibabaandthe40nappies Fri 03-Jul-09 20:29:29

Pavlov I think you have to stop doing the applications for him, it's only encouraging him to be lazy.

He is behaving like a child - but you know that.

I really don't know what to suggest, it sounds like you have tried everything

I honestly think that if it was me I would be thinking about throwing him out. He isn't making a full contribution to the household at the moment.

rookiemater Fri 03-Jul-09 20:40:28

Gosh maybe expat and others are right, I guess I was thinking along the lines that as another DC was on the way it wasn't the time to be thinking about breaking up, but it sounds like you have tried all the other options, maybe it will make him realise that you are serious about things.

moondog Fri 03-Jul-09 20:43:25

God, what a selfish wanker.

expatinscotland Fri 03-Jul-09 20:51:59

Basically it boils down to this: if you were on your own, would your life be more peaceful/less stressful, and therefore your health better?

If the answer's yes, show him the door.

He's thirty^-^five. Really there's no excuse for acting like a 15-year-old.

Oh, and I've been made redundant twice in my life. I actually had to go through a bankrupcy. Was stressful, yeah, but in the US welfare is not a lifestyle choice so I had to take whatever work I could get my hands on.

He says he has pride? If he really did he'd step up to the plate and do whatever it takes to support the family he chose to create.

Gimme a break! There's a recession on! You do what you can to keep the wolf from the door.

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