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Serious problem: what do you do when you don't fancy your DH anymore?

(24 Posts)
dontfancyhimanymore Mon 16-May-05 18:32:14

HAve changed name in case DH ever sees this. It would hurt him so much (as it would me if he felt the same about me!!). My DH is a wonderful man and we have been married for 17 years. He is a fantastic father to our 3 children and was very good looking when I met him. All the girls after him etc, etc. I know this sounds really cruel and shallow to say this. I know all hte logical answers in that 'looks aren't everything etc, etc. BUT he has lost so much hair (almost bald now) amongst other things. Please don;t scream at me for being shallow - I really do love him but more like my bestest friend. I would never leave him but I just cannot get that 'missed a beat' feeling . I know that being married, things cannot always be heart stopping but I don't think cor....! I just cannot stop looking at his hair. I want to change and that these things don't matter. I would be horrified if he said things about me like this but I know he fancies the pants of me still. Serious answers.. in that please has anyone else felt like this and what can I do to change how I feel?

mytwopenceworth Mon 16-May-05 19:06:17

Maybe you need to rediscover each other. Do you make time for one another? Do things just the two of you? Go on 'dates'? Maybe you think you have stopped fancying him, but you may find you have just let the daily grind get in the way. Perhaps if you have fun together, you will feel differently.

dontfancyhimanymore Mon 16-May-05 19:06:18


dontfancyhimanymore Mon 16-May-05 19:07:30

IKWYM but I don't seem to find him attractive anymore.. since he has lost his hair in particular. OH this sounds awful written down.

dontfancyhimanymore Mon 16-May-05 19:07:30

IKWYM but I don't seem to find him attractive anymore.. since he has lost his hair in particular. OH this sounds awful written down.

mytwopenceworth Mon 16-May-05 19:07:35

sorry, just me

Hermione1 Mon 16-May-05 19:09:26

Don't really knwo what to say because i have only been married for 6 years. It's a shame you don't get that butterflie feeling anymore once you been with someone for a while. sorry not m uch help.

noddyholder Mon 16-May-05 19:11:18

I think there must be other things aswell as his hair that are making you feel like this.My dp is bald and I still love him/fancy him as the real feelings have little to do with looks Do you have fun together still?Think back to why you liked him to begin with If it was all looks and nothing else then you are in trouble.How would you feel if he said this about you you would feel so hurt I'm sure.

mytwopenceworth Mon 16-May-05 19:11:35

It does NOT sound awful. You obviously care and feel bad about it, and you want to make things different. Short of him getting a wig or having 'plugs' I don't see how he can alter the physical appearance, but since the baldness bothers you so much, maybe it is something to consider. btw, my dh is totally bald - well, he shaves it all off! V. Sexy! perhaps instead of balding, he could take the plunge - somehow it is quite attractive, what do you think?

Frizbe Mon 16-May-05 19:12:46

could you get him to shave the remainder of his hair, so it all looks the same? would this make any difference at all, as bald blokes can be quite sexy

Hermione1 Mon 16-May-05 19:12:53

That reminds me, when i feel abit like that i try to remember why i liked him and how excited i got when i saw him (before we got together). You've been together a long time, try to think on the positive side what is the saying?

'bald men make better lovers'

mytwopenceworth Mon 16-May-05 19:13:15

Just thought, do you think that you see his baldness as a reminder of the fact that a lot of time has passed and you guys are not as young as you used to be? (Don't hit me!!) but could it be tied into your own feelings about ageing?

noddyholder Mon 16-May-05 19:14:02

my dp shaves his too btw I am not keen on that in between look either You may discover you fancy the new shaved look it can be really sexy

dontfancyhimanymore Mon 16-May-05 19:22:55

noddyholder: I know that I shouldn't say these things which is why I have to keep hiding my message from DH who has just come home! That is why I am on MN because I say these things that I wouldn't say in RL to my friends.
Thanks, mytopenceworth, that was helpful in that you cheered me up a bit not thinking I was such an AWFUL person. My DH is a wonderful, caring, sensitive guy a terrific father and just such a great person... but I just want to feel my heart flutter a bit!

dontfancyhimanymore Mon 16-May-05 19:26:35

mytwopenceworth, I think you are right in your ob. about time etc, etc. When people at work talk about his baldness (we work together) I get very annoyed about it and don't think it very funny at all and they talk about his age. Trouble is there is a guy at work 12 year's younger than us and is a Tom Cruise lookalike ... I know this sounds even worse but he reminds me so much of my DH (when he was that age) lookswise and personality. Then (and I hate to admit this) when I look at DH I keep wishing .... well, throw stones at me if you want to .... Ithink I had better go and hide under something and cry..... What can I do to change the way I feel and not look at this younger guy and think....

noddyholder Mon 16-May-05 19:29:08

omg I wasn't having a go just commenting sorry!I am sure it is awful to feel that way but you really do need to look beyond the physical if you want things to move on.

mytwopenceworth Mon 16-May-05 19:31:46

You are married, not dead! Of course you are going to look at a cute bloke and think Yum! You wouldn't do anything about it, would you? I think you are being very hard on yourself, you sound like a good and caring person, but you also sound like you are craving a bit of excitement in your life? Attending to the daily stuff can be boring and swept-off-your-feet fantasies are normal. I know you will Freak at this suggestion, but maybe you should talk to dh, - I'm not suggesting 'hey you, when did you get hit with the ugly stick', but you could raise the subject tactfully?

mytwopenceworth Mon 16-May-05 19:33:18

he may have something to say about your laughter lines, then you can laugh together about the perils of growing old!

noddyholder Mon 16-May-05 19:34:12

agree that we all like to look that is ok it is acting on it that causes problems.Do you still look exactly like you did when you met?We all change but thats life unfortunately

Newbarnsleygirl Mon 16-May-05 19:35:18

I'm just going to echo what mytwopenceworth said at the begining.
My dh has been working away for a week at a time just recently and on the day he comes back I get that butterfly feeling and we "rediscover" each other

I think the time apart does us good.

dontfancyhimanymore Mon 16-May-05 20:05:49

Noddyholder, sorry, a bit oversensitive, thank you for your post... I know you lot only want to help...
mytwopenceworth, LOL! I laughed through my tears at the bit about the ugly stick (laughed again writing this!).

fatmomma Tue 17-May-05 01:00:18

You really are being very hard on yourself, it would only be an awful thing if you didn't care about how you are feeling or if you acted on your attraction to other men. I fancy the pants off my dh but I still look at nice bits of mancandy if they come into the office . My dh is getting a bit portly and growing a nice pair of man boobies which I would rather he didn't have but I don't beat myself up for thinking this. I am sure he would like me to reduce the size of my huge butt!

Try to concentrate on the things that you do still like - his smile, nice eyes things like that which don't usually change. That butterfly feeling is something that 99% of us lose eventually (incl. me) and there is nothing wrong with companionship and familiarity.

I know it can be difficult with kids but have you thought of going on a date. Get dh to book it and meet there separately as if you are having a first date. If you could get ready separately as well it would work even better. Ban all talk of kids and try to get in touch with your old selves. I know you can't turn back the clock but it might remind you of why you fell for him in the first place.

That in between bald stage is not the most attractive look but completely bald men are definately sexy - Captain Picard from Star Trek floates my boat!!

You don't sound like a heartless person so give yourself a break and just try doing something proactive instead. Good luck!

anniebear Wed 18-May-05 12:35:32

Do you think many Women have a fluttry feeling when looking at their Husbands after 17years?!!

I have been married for nearly 7 years and often wonder have we become more like friends (nothing wrong with being friends but you know what I mean!! )

I love him but Certainly don't get any flutteries!!! Would be nice though!!

megillah Wed 18-May-05 12:42:26

Message withdrawn

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