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Years of sex without kissing.... why can't I find anything on it? Am I the only one who is suffering from this form of emotional abuse?

(85 Posts)
psych101 Thu 02-Jul-09 20:32:10

Just wondering if anyone wants to discuss this topic? Am I the only one who has resorted to sex without intimacy? 10 years of marriage, and the last 8 years of marriage without kissing, not even before, during or after sex, in any form.

I've searched many forms on emotional abuse, but I really want to discuss this topic, because I haven't heard of anyone else having to experience this...

DH is very controlling, and emotionally abusive.. but I need to discuss the 'no kissing part' any takers???

shyandmighty Thu 02-Jul-09 20:40:58

My now ex-dp was also very controlling and abusive but as far as sex went, it was probably the only good thing in our relationship and always involved lots of kissing.
Just a couple of questions if you don't mind...Does he kiss you at any other time, hello, goodbye or even a kiss and cuddle without sex? Also, did he used to kiss you in the early days and it just dropped off? If I were you I'd ask him why, it seems a reasonable enough question.

2rebecca Thu 02-Jul-09 21:10:33

I sometimes prefer sex without kissing, like if I'm feeling full after dinner, or before I've cleaned my teeth. It's me who's fussier about not kissing though, bloke isn't bothered and thinks I'm weird! If I've got up to clean my teeth on a morning/ am not full of food I'm happy to kiss though. I wouldn't class not kissing as emotional abuse, just strange behaviour and am surprised you've never mentioned it if it bothers you. Bloke mentioned my not kissing as he was concerned I didn't love him and got alot of reassurance that it was just me being a bit weird. If I'm tired I don't feel very kissy either.

psych101 Thu 02-Jul-09 22:10:37

thanks for the reply.. I have mentioned it to him many times.... I've tried to initiate a kiss, and he won't. We don't kiss EVER.. not hello, or goodbye, or even new years.. He knows it's upsetting to me, yet whenever I've tried,... say after sex... he will purse his lips tightly, like he doesn't want to. And please know that we haven't kissed during, (before or after either) sex for well.. years..

Sex without kissing can be a nice (fun) change from the 'norm' but this IS the norm now..

The reason I believe it is a form of emotional abuse,.. only because it's been years, and years... is because I believe it is a form of control. Control of affection. Emotional abuse, unfortunately, is something I've been living with (aside from the lack of kissing) for 10 years now.

I'm just very surprised that I can't seem to find anyone who is in the same situation as me. sad

Bleatblurt Thu 02-Jul-09 22:12:49

Maybe he just really doesn't like kissing?

I rarely like kissing and I don't think I'm emotionally abusing my DH. I'm not trying to belittle how you feel, I'm very sorry you are feeling so upset, it's just that your DH might not be doing it to control you.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 02-Jul-09 22:19:01

What does he say about why he doesn't want to kiss you? Because some people simply don't like kissing and that is not, in itself, an indication that they are emotionally abusive (for instance, a person may have a phobia/obsession that his/her breath smells and therefore not want to kiss or be kissed).
However, if you are being emotionally abused, would't it be better to address that as a whole? If he is abusive, then persuading him to kiss you sometimes isn't going to stop him abusing you in other ways.

psych101 Thu 02-Jul-09 22:21:32

Okay... picture this.... 8 years of sex, life, hello's or goodbye's without kissing. Kissing of ANYKIND, on the neck, or anywhere else..

he was a very good kisser until we had our first child, and I know darned well he enjoyed it back in the day..

Just sex without any form of intimacy..

So, let's leave emotional abuse, control aside for now, because other than listing all the other issues in our relationship, we can't term EA on this one incident. I understand that. My main concern is that I can't find anything on the internet, or anyone else for that matter who has this issue?? That really surprises me!!

Please know that I'm not the ooey-gooey mushy kissy type either.... but now and then would be nice!

psych101 Thu 02-Jul-09 22:27:40

I've stopped persuading him... believe me!!! I'm just living with it now. Just makes me feel pretty un-loved.

Emotional abuse.. I've confronted him on it. He knows he is, but the cycle stays the same until I decide to leave. I've researched it until I turned blue. All the classic signs..

And because of all the research I've done, I think that witholding affection is a form of enotional abuse.. even if rare.

I understand there are many people who don't like kissing, and that is a personal choice, and as long as their are other strong bonding in the marriage then it's fine..

As mentioned, he really enjoyed kissing me before, and he was a very good kisser! That is why I married him smile. My breath isn't bad, my appearance is pretty much exactly the same as when we married 10 years ago!! So not sure what it is....

Just really wanted to talk about it, because it is the ONE thing I couldn't research..

I would like someone to answer this question... "Could you imagine having sex for 8 years without kissing??"

2rebecca Thu 02-Jul-09 22:27:45

I think if you'd like kissing sometimes and husband won't and won't discuss why then that's a problem. I wouldn't want to feel that I'm never going to be kissed again, that would be very depressing. To be honest if my husband refused to ever kiss me I would tell him I wasn't happy and that we needed to talk about it soon, because I didn't think I could live in a relationship without kisses.
Does it mean that much to you though? If your husband told you he never wished to kiss you again could you stay in the relationship or would you want to leave? Other people's opinions are irrelevent. If you don't want to spend the rest of your life unkissed your bloke has to change or you have to separate.

HolyGuacamole Thu 02-Jul-09 22:29:21

Ok, maybe instead of searching Google, what about asking him? What does he say about it?

From there you can begin to work on it if that is what you want to do. I'd guess that if he is controlling and abusive, that there is some sort of connection in there somewhere?

Generally though, is he affectionate in other ways, does he hold hands, hug, what's his body language like when you're together, tactile? Could it be that he distances himself emotionally by not getting too close?

I think you need to talk to him. Lack of communication sounds like it could be a major factor?

SolidGoldBrass Thu 02-Jul-09 22:31:16

I rather think that if you didn't feel your H was emotionally abusive anyway, you wouldn't be that bothered about the kissing.
I am not sure why you are so desperate for information on this specific issue when it won't fix the bigger problem (of emotional abuse).

HolyGuacamole Thu 02-Jul-09 22:31:19

And in answer to your further question - no way could I be married and not feel close enough to kiss my husband in the way that you mean. I think that is a very sad thought indeed sad

psych101 Thu 02-Jul-09 22:32:02

Thanks 2rebecca.. that is actually what I was searching for..

No! I can't spend the rest of my life without the intimacy of a kiss (because that's what it is)..

Just not strong enough to leave. (sigh)

Notquitegrownup Thu 02-Jul-09 22:33:19

I wonder if you remember Julia Roberts in 'Pretty Woman'? Her line was that as a prostitute she would do anything but kissing on the mouth. It is very intimate, isn't it, and involves letting your guard down. If your dh is very controlling and emotionally abusive then he may well be expressing it in this way. But are you really saying that you want him to kiss you, whilst being very controlling and emotionally abusive - or are you hoping that deep down he feels affection for you that he would express in a kiss, despite his other behaviour towards you?

2rebecca Thu 02-Jul-09 22:34:04

Were you planning an affair?

Notquitegrownup Thu 02-Jul-09 22:35:00

Sorry - 2Rebecca put it much more simply, whilst I was posting.

psych101 Thu 02-Jul-09 22:36:29

Solidgold, that makes a lot of sense!! Why I feel the need to find something on this, is because it baffles me that no one else seems to have been through this.

Just looking for a valid reason to leave I guess. maybe just obsessed.. (sorry for spelling, can't seem to today) smile

Just a refresher on the question to anyone else..

"Could you imagine having sex for 8 years without kissing??"

2rebecca Thu 02-Jul-09 22:40:16

I'm not sure I agree about kissing being more intimate than sex. I sometimes feel kissy and sometimes don't, nothing to do with how amorous I feel. I do feel kissier when I'm hungry though so it's maybe a desire for oral gratification, in psychobabble.
I can enjoy sex without kissing though and think that if you're feeling emotionally abused the not kissing bit is probably a final straw rather than the main issue.

psych101 Thu 02-Jul-09 22:42:25

I have opportunity to kiss another man, should I wish to... but would be very difficult to do.

That could be a loaded question "Are you planning to have an affair?" Because, otherwise, then I would die a very old and lonely woman.

Holyguacamole -- no other form of intimacy, except from time to time he will grab my arm and squeeze it for a moment, and that is his way of showing affection. But that is probably once every 6 months. I used to be happy when he did that, now I could care less.

Do I want him to kiss me now??? NO WAY.
What I really want is for him to leave, without all the reprocussions of separation. eg; children, house, business...

For any of my former chat friends from Emotional Abuse... 'I'm back' !

2rebecca Thu 02-Jul-09 22:43:56

Usually when I kiss my husband it's not linked to sex though. I kiss him before he leaves for work in the morning and I kissed him today on his bare back when he was bending forward doing woodwork stuff and looking gorgeous.
I couldn't live without those sorts of kisses.
Does your husband know this could be a relationship breaker?

MoChan Thu 02-Jul-09 22:44:35

It's horrendous. Someone did this to me, and for a good long time. The person who did it was abusive, not physically, but emotionally and verbally, and his withdrawal of physical affection (not contact) was a key part of that. He was constantly looking for ways to subtly hurt me, and that was something that he knew would hurt me. It sounds to me as though you are in a similar situation, actually. I couldn't live with it, and removed myself from it, eventually. If my current partner started to behave that way, I would see it as a pretty clear sign that the relationship was doomed.

I am really sorry that you are in this situation, because I know how much it can hurt. Sorry not to be more helpful.

psych101, I know you wanted answers about the kissing on this thread, but why do you want to kiss a man who is emotionally abusive? There are loads of men out there who would love to kiss you and treat you better. There's no need to stay with someone who hurts you. Sex without affection is pretty much just assisted masturbation.

psych101 Thu 02-Jul-09 22:46:09

I have thought of 'Pretty Woman' many times. That's how I feel actually, not worthy of the intimacy. Sex versus kissing being more intimacy is a long-time debate. Everyone has different feelings on that one.

BEFORE, I would automatically think sex is more intimate... NOW obviously, I find kissing more intimate. I can have sex with him anytime, even when I'm angry with him, because all it is now is a physical need being met.

2rebecca Thu 02-Jul-09 22:48:34

It sounds as though you want a divorce if you don't actually want him to kiss you. I'm not quite sure why you're complaining if he's not kissing you but no way would you want him to. Maybe he picks up the "no way" vibes.
Some people do just put up with less than perfect relationships, I couldn't but then I'm on my second marriage. Back to quantity versus quality in a marriage again.

psych101 Thu 02-Jul-09 22:51:26

2rebecca -- yes he knows. But I never follow through, and he doesn't believe me.

MoChan -- THANK-YOU [SMILE] I really needed to hear that this has happened to someone else..

Giantbanana -- I thought of that too.... that's exactly what it is, and nothing more.. so I guess I am really just sad, and looking to talk about it.

I feel too proud now to mention it anylonger to him. And too proud to try to kiss him. I know our relationship is doomed, actually we don't even have a relationship.. we are more like roommates with children.

maybe one day.. I will leave..

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