I'm not even really sure how to write this down without it turning into a big jumble of back-story.
I've been with my DP for two and a half years. When we met, I knew that he didn't work and was on Incapacity Benefit. At the time, I presumed this was a short-term thing, maybe a few months. What I didn't know then was that he hadn't worked in 6 years. He's a Type 1 diabetic, but doesn't look after himself. Rarely gets out of bed before lunchtime, no set routine for his insulin, no standard mealtimes, stuffs himself with chocolate and biscuits and sugar. I've tried to get him into a healthier diet, but I work full-time and can't physically be there to coax him out of bed at a decent time or oversee his injections or make sure he doesn't go to the corner shop for crisps and chocolate for lunch, or making sure he doesn't miss his clinic appointments because he "didn't feel like it".
I know he's capable of work, because I know that at various points in the past couple of years he's done some stints of short-term cash-in-hand work which he hasn't declared to the DWP. He doesn't know I know this. Everytime he trots out his "I feel too sick in the morning" or "I'm in too much pain" lines, a little bit of something inside me wants to shake him and yell in his face, that I'm fed up of him being ill when it suits him and fed up of his refusal to take responsibibilty for his life.
It's got to the stage now where I'm just at a loss to see how we can go on being in a relationship when we're so clearly incompatible. I bought a house earlier this year. DP wants nothing more than to move in with me, but doesn't understand that I don't want this to happen whist he'd effectively only be a non-paying lodger in my home. I think the inequality there would finish me. I desperately want another baby (I have a 5-year-old DD from my marriage), maybe not now but definitely within the next two or three years. But obviously this can't happen in a relationship like this one.
I want to help him get out of this cycle and support him while he gets himself well, but first I need him to take basic responsibilty for himself and be willing to make changes. Get up at a decent time in the morning, eat some breakfast, do something during the day, keep to a basic routine, go to bed at a decent time. The building blocks of getting things back together I suppose. Apart from me and my friends, he doesn't seem to know anybody else who lives a regular lifestyle: all his friends are long-term unemployed, don't have children, live in council houses or shared situations or squats, which can't be helpful for him in terms of relating to the idea of living differently. If I try to talk to him about changing things or suggest we draft up a written list of goals or aspirations, he accuses me of bullying him about a medical condition he can't help. The couple of times I've brought up the idea of taking a breather he's been hysterical, said he'll kill himself if I leave, accused me of cheating, promised he'll try harder. But after a couple of days of resolving to change, it all slips back.
It sounds so pathetic and wet for a grown woman with a DD to say that she can't work out how to break up with somebody, suggest a trial seperation or even simply just put her foot down and issue an ultimatum and stick to it, but that's how it is. It's sort of helped just getting it all down in coherent sentences and reading it back to myself. Other than that, I just don't know what to do. Has anyone ever been on a situation with a partner who they felt they were incompatible with but turned things around together? Where do I start? Am I wrong for wanting to change my DP, I worry about that too. Maybe I am being a nag and a bully about it.
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Relationships
I want to support my DP but he needs to be willing to support himself first. Am I being unfair? I can't cope with this anymore. Long.
16 replies
LaComtesseDeSpair · 01/07/2009 22:32
OP posts:
dittany ·
02/07/2009 20:43
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