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I want to support my DP but he needs to be willing to support himself first. Am I being unfair? I can't cope with this anymore. Long.

(17 Posts)
LaComtesseDeSpair Wed 01-Jul-09 22:32:45

I'm not even really sure how to write this down without it turning into a big jumble of back-story.

I've been with my DP for two and a half years. When we met, I knew that he didn't work and was on Incapacity Benefit. At the time, I presumed this was a short-term thing, maybe a few months. What I didn't know then was that he hadn't worked in 6 years. He's a Type 1 diabetic, but doesn't look after himself. Rarely gets out of bed before lunchtime, no set routine for his insulin, no standard mealtimes, stuffs himself with chocolate and biscuits and sugar. I've tried to get him into a healthier diet, but I work full-time and can't physically be there to coax him out of bed at a decent time or oversee his injections or make sure he doesn't go to the corner shop for crisps and chocolate for lunch, or making sure he doesn't miss his clinic appointments because he "didn't feel like it".

I know he's capable of work, because I know that at various points in the past couple of years he's done some stints of short-term cash-in-hand work which he hasn't declared to the DWP. He doesn't know I know this. Everytime he trots out his "I feel too sick in the morning" or "I'm in too much pain" lines, a little bit of something inside me wants to shake him and yell in his face, that I'm fed up of him being ill when it suits him and fed up of his refusal to take responsibibilty for his life.

It's got to the stage now where I'm just at a loss to see how we can go on being in a relationship when we're so clearly incompatible. I bought a house earlier this year. DP wants nothing more than to move in with me, but doesn't understand that I don't want this to happen whist he'd effectively only be a non-paying lodger in my home. I think the inequality there would finish me. I desperately want another baby (I have a 5-year-old DD from my marriage), maybe not now but definitely within the next two or three years. But obviously this can't happen in a relationship like this one.

I want to help him get out of this cycle and support him while he gets himself well, but first I need him to take basic responsibilty for himself and be willing to make changes. Get up at a decent time in the morning, eat some breakfast, do something during the day, keep to a basic routine, go to bed at a decent time. The building blocks of getting things back together I suppose. Apart from me and my friends, he doesn't seem to know anybody else who lives a regular lifestyle: all his friends are long-term unemployed, don't have children, live in council houses or shared situations or squats, which can't be helpful for him in terms of relating to the idea of living differently. If I try to talk to him about changing things or suggest we draft up a written list of goals or aspirations, he accuses me of bullying him about a medical condition he can't help. The couple of times I've brought up the idea of taking a breather he's been hysterical, said he'll kill himself if I leave, accused me of cheating, promised he'll try harder. But after a couple of days of resolving to change, it all slips back.

It sounds so pathetic and wet for a grown woman with a DD to say that she can't work out how to break up with somebody, suggest a trial seperation or even simply just put her foot down and issue an ultimatum and stick to it, but that's how it is. It's sort of helped just getting it all down in coherent sentences and reading it back to myself. Other than that, I just don't know what to do. Has anyone ever been on a situation with a partner who they felt they were incompatible with but turned things around together? Where do I start? Am I wrong for wanting to change my DP, I worry about that too. Maybe I am being a nag and a bully about it.

cathcat Wed 01-Jul-09 22:38:58

I think you know the answer to this problem. You cannot help him if he does not want to change. Deep down he knows you are right.
Don't let his threats get in the way of you changing things, he is just trying to put pressure on you.

cathcat Wed 01-Jul-09 22:42:00

By the way, you are not being unfair. And it is not wrong to want him to change when he is damaging his health through his lifestyle.

BitOfFun Wed 01-Jul-09 22:49:24

My honest opinion is that this relationship is a bit of a non-starter. I think for your own sanity you need to move on. I know it's hard, but you just have to tell him, and be clear why. At the moment his preferences are totally over-riding yours, and that just isn't healthy. On the other hand, there is not much point him changing to please you, as he will just resent it. He prefers to live like an overgrown teenager in a squat, and as you don't want to live with one there is only way to deal with this: go.

I'm sorry sad

GypsyMoth Wed 01-Jul-09 23:04:45

I areexwith bit of fun

Had an x who threatened suicide alot. That's an evil thing to do. He's controlling you

What is there to stay for??

expatinscotland Wed 01-Jul-09 23:15:39

Look at yourself: you're a single mum who's bought her own home and is bringing up a lovely daughter on her own.

What are you getting out of a loser like this?

Do yourself AND your DD a favour and move on.

SolidGoldBrass Thu 02-Jul-09 00:06:57

Oh, bin him. He won't change. He will go whining off to the next woman and tell her all about how no one understands his specialness. And given what you have described, I can't imagine he's anything like a good enough shag for you to justify keeping him like a pet.

AttilaTheMeerkat Thu 02-Jul-09 06:58:04

What would you be saying to a friend here if she was telling you all this.

I have to ask how on earth you got with someone like this loser in the first place?. You seem totally incompatible anyway. Did you ignore the red flags?.

You cannot help someone who ultimately does not want to be helped. As his current partner as well you're the last person who could help him. You've been with him for 2 1/2 years; you really don't want another 2 1/2 years of him.

What are you getting out of this relationship, what's in it or what has been in this for you?. You certainly don't need this man around as a "partner" (which he clearly is not); he is also an awful role model for your daughter to look up to.

Not surprising really he wants to move in with you; he wants you to wait on him hand and foot. He is what Viz would call a "cocklodger".

He is not your "project" either, maybe you thought subconsiously you could help him and or save him from himself. Well, no.

He has also falsely accused you of cheating on him!. Also threatening to killl himself (this is an empty thread btw) if you leave is nothing short of controlling.

Wake up and get rid of this cocklodger. All he will do is drag you down with him.

AnyFucker Thu 02-Jul-09 07:25:51

Sack him, pronto before you get dragged in any deeper

And, FGS, do not get pregnant by this loser

cestlavielife Thu 02-Jul-09 09:50:25

i wanted to help my ex (depression etc etc) but in the end realised i could not. he had to take responsibility for himself.

when i started saying no - he got violent.. he did the threatening suicide too.

he also did the line "but you knew when we got togeher that i had had depression" (he was attending group therapy at the time).

it is nice to want to help someone but if they dont want to be helped there is nothing you can do.

the controlling thing - please, i will change i will try, you can help me - it is all b%%ll%%ks

get out while you can - and look for someone else to have that baby with.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 02-Jul-09 10:05:05

Do you even love him? He's not going to change, he won't kill himself if you leave, so bite the bullet and do it. Just get rid. You are right, you do not want him living in your house and you do not want to get pregnant by him. What a fucking useless husband and father he would make. Why do it to yourself? Get out and let yourself be open to new relationships and new horizons. If you are meant to have that baby you will, but not with him.

2rebecca Thu 02-Jul-09 10:23:26

He just sounds idle and self destructive. Why would an intelligent diabetic stuff themselves with sweets?
Yours sounds like a parent child relationship rather than an adult adult one. If your bloke lived with his mum and she let him lie in bed all morning and not work or eat sensibly you'd be wondering why she was babying him.
Most diabetics are capable of working and having an adult attitude to their illness, so he can't blame his diabetes for the way he is.
Do you want to support this lazy man forever. I wouldn't have put up with this for 2 1/2 years.
Find someone less dependant you can have an equal relationship with not this child-man.

cathcat Thu 02-Jul-09 11:26:36

OP - are you about? Are you okay?

Jux Thu 02-Jul-09 11:47:40

Oh you are in a bad place. This man is not going to help himself while he's got someone else to lean on. He is never going to be the man you want him to be, and it sounds like he never was.

Get out of the relationship now before it gets any harder.

He needs a kick up the arse; tell him you have to end the relationship as you can't look after him, yourself and your dd and you need someone who will take responsibility for himself and his own health and his own life, like grown-ups do.

Please leave him now. You never know, it might be the making of him.

mulranno Thu 02-Jul-09 12:57:22

What is his relationship history..?..have others walked your path..? You should move on...this would be the only catalyst for him changing...he wont if things stay the same. You are doing a great job bringing up a child on your own, getting sorted and getting a house....do not get any more involved...you and you daughter desrve more than this ...you have more than this on your own...your daughter does not need this role model in her life...you both deserve better

AnyFucker Thu 02-Jul-09 20:14:25

OP ?

come back and tell us you are ok, you are hearing some horrible truths on this thread

dittany Thu 02-Jul-09 20:43:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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