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Can we talk about Mother Issues?

(12 Posts)
MrsMerryHenry Wed 01-Jul-09 22:31:51

I don't mean my own mother. I mean DH's. And by 'Issues' I mean the Mother Issues which DH brings into our relationship.

Please tell me I'm not the only one tackling this? Over the years I've taught myself to be brutally honest with myself about my flaws, do I'm not afraid of facing them. However, I flatly refuse to take the blame for Issues which my MIL placed on her children as they were growing up.

I'm being deliberately oblique at the moment, I will divulge more later but am interested to find out about other people's experience of identifying and handling their partners' Mother Issues.

MrsMerryHenry Wed 01-Jul-09 22:48:30

bump

BitOfFun Wed 01-Jul-09 23:08:44

I can't help I'm afraid- DP seems blissfully devoid of them, thankfully, but I shall lurk voyeuristically if you don't mind, and bump your thread!

DippyDino Thu 02-Jul-09 00:10:10

Fortunately I will always be grateful for Dh's mum who taught him to clear up after himself, cook a bit, wash up and generally be an amiable chap with an excellent attitude towards women. I reckon it was threatening him with a wooden spoon if he didn't behave wort dun 'im gud, guvnor.

But bumping for you.

blinks Thu 02-Jul-09 00:16:17

DH's mother's lack of obvious maternal love and affection has led to problems in all of his relationships.

also her dismissal of his (plentiful) talents and interests (too creative! how weird!) has left a general lack of self belief.

she's a right knob.

NoBiggy Thu 02-Jul-09 00:58:16

DP's mother always told him he was a genius and better than everybody else, including his siblings.

He seems to find it difficult to face a reality which differs from that.

Scorpette Thu 02-Jul-09 01:12:27

DP's mother is nice but the most emotionally-stunted person I've ever met and treats her 3 sons like they are children. No-one is allowed to express any emotion or opinions, even nice ones, talk about feelings or interests, even show any enthusiasm. She tells everyone what's going to happen - there can be no dissent! - and acts like no-one but her is capable of running their own life. The way I deal with her is to be polite, cheerful and grateful at all times and ignore the annoying shit or pretend I don't realise I'm 'going against the grain'; acting like her telling me/us what to do is just a bunch of thoughtful suggestions, expressing myself at a level I think is appropriate for normal family interaction as though I don't realise it discomforts her and pretending that it's a girls-together joke about useless men when she tries to treat DP (or all 3 of her lads) like a child and not letting him go along with what she's trying to force him into. Example: she keeps obsessively suggesting a name she likes if me and DP were ever to have a DS: I say 'Aw, it's a shame you never had a 4th son to call that. The boys names WE like, however, are:.... etc.'.

It's the best way; I get to be true to myself, stand my ground and not be made to do stuff I have not intention of doing, she doesn't feel threatened, insulted or dismissed and it keeps the atmosphere friendly and respectful, etc. Lucky that she is so emotionally crippled that if I did piss her off she wouldn't say a word anyway!

Sorry it's long, but needed a rant - am seeing her soon hmm

Scorpette Thu 02-Jul-09 01:20:29

Sorry, that wasn't really about how I deal with the issues my DP has cos of her. He has Social Anxiety Disorder and rarely expresses opinions, ideas and feelings, or compliments, etc., cos of her refusing to talk to him about his fears when little and not allowing any personal expression. Luckily, he is the nicest person ever, but I have had to actually teach him how to express himself, pay compliments, stand up for himself, work out what he wants and not just let me tell him what to do or what he wants all the time, etc. Ironically, she is really pleased at him being more assertive and compliments me on bringing him out of his shell, but it just makes me think 'I shouldn't have had to do your fucking job for you, you repressed freak!'.

Extended Thu 02-Jul-09 09:32:27

My husbands Mother seemed to have no interest in either of her son's. Her world appeared to revolve around her busy social life (coffee mornings, WI, her best friend's latest crisis and so on) and she didn't seem to have anything left for her own children.

All very sad.

MrsMerryHenry Thu 02-Jul-09 15:42:43

Glad it's not just me, but sad for those of you with messed-up DH's.

My MIL is most similar to Scorpette's, though nowhere near as bad. I need to dash so will come back to post more.

2rebecca Thu 02-Jul-09 16:37:04

My bloke doesn't have any. MIL worked part time until she retired and has hobbies so thankfully not looking to meddle in our lives or expecting visited all the time. She just does stuff with FIL. She does see alot of her daughter though, who is more mother orientated than bloke who is more like me.

2rebecca Thu 02-Jul-09 16:47:54

Bloke is more "good manners" orientated than I am, not sure how much of that is his mum and how much private school though although his mum was quite strict with him when young. Not really a major problem though.

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