Jealous partner has left me in the s**t !

[shyandmighty]

I'm new to this site and hope very much to find some practical help and emotional support. Please bear with me it's rather long but needs to be said...
After a turbulent 3 yr relationship (consisting of extreme jealousy, suspicion and accusations aimed at me) I have finally found the courage to break free from my partner.
I loved him unconditionally as did my children who are 11 & 9 (not his)From the beginning he was very jealous and didn't want me out of his sight, even to visit my parents. Consequently, we did everything together, which stupidly, I became accustomed to, even reliant upon! At the weekend I had enough of the pressure and made a stand - I went to stay with a friend. While I was away I texted him regularly to tell him I loved him and wished he trusted me and we could live a normal life. I didn't phone him because I knew he would be angry and I wouldn't be able to talk any sense to him. His response was to ignore most of my texts and tell me he was moving out. He was gone on my return and was fully expecting me to beg him to come home. I decided to be strong and tell him that unless he changes his ways, I didn't actually want him back. I should say, at this point, that we have had counseling both individually and as a couple but it only seemed to help in the short term. We have spoken over the past few days and he has been nasty and accusing me of all sorts while I have been away, when all I want to do is tell him I love him and wish things could be different. Truth is I do love him so much but I realise that his jealousy will continue to damage an otherwise lovely relationship. I know I sound pathetic but my heart is breaking, even though I know what I am doing is right in the long run. There is so much more anecdotal evidence of extreme jealousy but I think I've set the scene! Also, he's turning his back on all our financial problems and says I'm on my own. Can I make him pay for joint debt, even though its all in my name?

[bethoo]

sadly you cannot make him pay for debt that is soley in your name.
i have to agree in that the only option is to walk away and never look back. he will never change and people like him rarely do, and if they do it is only for a short while before they slip into their old ways. stick by your guns and be strong. time will make it easier and you deserve better.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

I think if it's all in your name there's not much you can do. But you should talk to the CAB for proper advice.

The rest of it - you know you have to stick to your guns. Such type of man can become even physically abusive.

If he won't see that it is his problem and he needs to address it, well then it's sad, but you have to protect yourself and your children.

[shyandmighty]

Thank you both. All sensible advice. I guess I now have to find a job and move on, although it will be hard as he's left a huge gap in our lives...

[Overmydeadbody]

I think it's worth having the debts if you get away from this horrible controlling loon of a man.

[HecatesTwopenceworth]

I'm not surprised, you gave your life over to him!

But you will be surprised how quickly you will get yourself back.

[Overmydeadbody]

You'll soon stop seeing it as a huge gap in your lives and see it as the freedom you have a right to have.

Never love a partner unconditionally. Unconditional love should be reserved for your children (and other blood relations)

[shyandmighty]

I agree with the comment regarding unconditional love and realise it was a silly remark I made. I love my children very differently from him and he was definitely behind them in the pecking order in my mind. That said, I did love him, not all times were bad, as often is the case with abusive relationships. I just need to work out how to fill my time until such times as I start to feel less emotional.
It doesn't help that his moods swing from being nasty and abusive to sad and tearful. I am answering his messages at the mo but feel I should stop this. Is this the way forward do you think? He really is an emotional drain!
BTW I have been a little economical with the truth as far as the DC's go, preferring to tell them when I feel stronger myself and more able to cope with their upset. So, he's working away this week...Am I doing right there too or should we all share the upset together?

[SolidGoldBrass]

Get in touch with WOmen's Aid, they will be able to give you some advice on practical matters - and also in remembering that jealous partners are abusive partners. His jealousy is his problem, jealous people are potentially dangerous unless and until they sort themselves out.
Stop answering his messages. You've done the right thing in getting away from him. WRT the children generally the best thing to do is tell them the most tactful version of the truth: that he wans't happy and is a bit poorly in the head so he has gone away to sort himself out, maybe? As they are not his DC there is no legal obligation for you or them to stay in contact with him and it is probably best if you don't (jealous men being dangerous). They may well not be that sorry to be rid of a whining drama queen who made their mother miserable...

[shyandmighty]

Thanks SGB. I agree with your comments regarding the DC's and to be as honest as poss with them now. Although I always did my best to play down any hostilities in the household, DP couldn't help the stonewalling and that sometimes extended to the DC's too. Horrible of him! Trouble was, whereas most mum's might take their kids out for a bit until the situation had blown over, he 'forbade' me to leave the house during a disagreement but made little or no attempt to talk it through calmly. Basically enjoying the power I guess. Last night he text asking if I would take the kids to see him for an hour - I refused cos I don't think it would benefit any of us and might give the kids some false hope and besides, they think he is working away this week. At the mo he has stopped texting after a final farewell message last night saying how much he loved us and that he had accepted I don't want him anymore and actually he wouldn't want to come home now either. Can I relax and believe this is true or is this typical mind-game stuff still? He's very stubborn and proud and claims never to have had a partner finish a relationship before, so maybe he will get off now??? I guess I really am asking for someone with experience of this type of relationship to let me know the various stages these men go through before it is finally over.

[shyandmighty]

Please...need some help

[guvk]

shyandmighty I don't think I'm nearly as well placed to help you as many many other people here, but I just wanted to say something.

I think that you have done brilliantly so far. I have experience of a jealous dh, though not as extreme as yours, and I am also having CBT at the moment and have mentioned my dh's problems to the therapist.

The therapist has strongly made the point that this kind of jealousy is very much worsened by any conciliatory, 'enabling' behaviour by the partner. I've put that v badly because it sounds like blaming the partner of the jealous person which is CERTAINLY NOT WHAT I MEAN. What I do mean is, that every time you give ground (for example accept not going out to meet a friend , or vow not to mention people of whom he is jealous, or whatever) you reinforce the jealousy and make it seem all the more necessary (in the jealous person's mind) to continue the control.

He is like a phobic person -- every time he avoids the thing he is afraid of (your independence) it increases his fear of it. Every time he is forced to confront the fear, there is the possibility that the fear is tackled and reduced.

So, you have done completely and utterly the right thing in asserting yourself; he is now confronting his fear head on; the fear will be increased in the short term and he may therefore get worse in some way; but you must keep strong and continue to give no ground.

So it might be good to say to him very clearly 'I won't answer your texts' or 'I will text you on Tuesday afternoon only, or whatever'. And in every other way, make it clamly clear that you will not give ground.

So much easier said than done I know -- and you are facing a much more extreme case than me.

Also: I love your nickname!!

[SolidGoldBrass]

OK, do you have anything you need to sort out with this loser, such as a joint tenancy?If not, then send him a text saying 'This relationship is over I do not actually want any further contact with you.' Because you can actually write him right out of your life as the DC are not his. After all, you don't need him, so why let him bother you.
WRT the debts he has landed you with, have a word with the CAB, there might be some way of legally forcing him to pay his share. Otherwise, simply stop all contact with him. If he persists, tell him you will take out an injunction against him.

[shyandmighty]

My real difficulty is...it's early days for me, the split is still very painful and he's doing my head with messages which I am too weak not to read! Some are nasty (very nasty) others are sad. I don't reply to all and try to keep it friendly and just stick to the script. My feelings too swing wildly, which I guess is normal, I just wish I could be tougher. BTW, I've never been a doormat in any previous relationship, on the contrary, I've mostly called the shots - feels like pay-back time! I'm sticking to my guns though, tough as it is and trying to dredge up every example I can think of when he made my life a complete misery (quite often) actually. Is this good therapy do you think, or is it ok/normal to become so pre occupied with all the good times? Would be much easier too if I didn't still fancy him...Gorgeous on the outside, rotten on the inside!
He has just text to say - last chance to make things right, otherwise he's off out on a bender/woman hunt. Nice night in I'll be having!

[wendynut]

Hi shyandmighty
You can't be expected to respond to threats and you shouldn't either. He isn't worth being with if his response is to cop off with someone else. I'm sorry that you've had so much hassle from this man but you are really worth more than this! Good luck

[shyandmighty]

Thanks wendynut. I didn't respond to his 'threat' of a night out...He will go out and he'll get blind drunk and he will, more than likely cop of with someone. He is fairly shallow I believe and that'll be his answer to his pain. I know he isn't worth being with if he's willing to do that and to rub my nose in it. He is frustrated that I haven't gone crawling back and it just makes him worse than ever.
I keep telling myself I am worth more!!

[SolidGoldBrass]

He's not in pain shyandmighty! He's just looking for his next victim. He will tell her how his bitchy ex (you) threw him out, and didn't love him enough, wah, waaah, waaaaaaah, and how he has 'trust issues' and yet, maybe, (if she has her own house he con move into, maybe, and lets him do her up the bum or whatever) it could be different with her...
THink of all the crap he told you when you first met. I bet there was the Eveil Ex Girlfriend who had Destroyed His Trust in the past - if you have any idea who she was, it might be amusing to get in touch with her and see how much the pattern repeats ie what he is done to you now is what he did to her.
Honestly, he's a complete bell-end and you will be so much happier without him.

[Kazzi79]

I've got to say I agree with Solidgoldbrass on this one.....and tbh anyone who's been in an abusive relationship will tell you how familiar your story actually is. These people always play the victim they seek out vulnerable people who will believe it (note how these men never choose confident and happy women)

Change your phone number so that he can't text you, that way you can't respond to him.
You deserve so much better than to be treated like that......deep down no woman wants to be with a man who doesn't want her to feel good about herself, this man just wants to control you, isolate you from friends and family and have no life of your own. That is not a healthy relationship to be in.......no relationship will work where control is an issue......whoever the dominant person is, its just emotional abuse and is wrong!

[shyandmighty]

Absolutely right all of you!
I do have names and towns of a couple of ex's and have put in a search on face book when I have felt particularly annoyed but can't find any of them - I would LOVE to be able to hear their account of his behaviour!
He's still texting and blowing hot and cold. Last night I was brutal and didn't answer any texts and I kept the house phone busy with a very long conversation to a friend! He left countless bleating messages. Text this morning to say how much he hated me and then again later with an apology.
I really must change my numbers and put this to bed - he isn't going to change.

[Kazzi79]

The text messages are just another form of control. Tbh it doesnt really matter how he treated his ex's and you're probably best off not knowing, if you find they got on well this would just reinforce the feeling that its your fault and your actions cause his jealousy.....even more so if this was never a problem in previous relationships. Although my guess is he's always been this jealous and possessive, I know how emotionally draining it is, I had it for 11 years.

You're right, he wont change, people like that never do. I have an injunction out on my ex after incidents of harrassment and DV, he plays the victim big time, using his face book status's to slag me off and tell the world what a nasty evil bitch I am. Conveniently forgets to mention 11 years of mental abuse and my children witnessing incidents of domestic violence. Lesson I've learnt is I'll never date a victim, I can now see beyond the sob stories

[shyandmighty]

Kazzi, I KNOW he has been like this before and have all the stories of the 'unreasonable' ex's. How on earth did you tolerate it for 11 years and did it get better or did you leave?

[shyandmighty]

Ooops Kazzi, sorry, only saw the first half of your post.

[shyandmighty]

I will learn from this experience, I know I will. Thing is, I've almost always known very straightforward and nice guys, just never really found that special something that lasts beyond the 'honeymoon period' not even with DC's dad.

[Kazzi79]

It never once got better, we actually split 5 years ago and the abuse got worse to the point where i was dragged down so much I couldnt do anything about it. The final straw came when he attacked me in front of the children thats when I got womens aid involved, I've never looked back since

[shyandmighty]

Kazzi was it always physical abuse or did it begin with verbal. Trying hard here to convince myself. Mine had only ever been verbal but pretty nasty verbal!

[Kazzi79]

it started off as verbal and the majority of it was mental control but there were quite a few physical incidents, I can honestly say it was the mental abuse that did more damage than the physical ever did.