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we are so differrent &I still love him, but no sure if its going to last.

(25 Posts)
mel1981 Wed 01-Jul-09 12:25:52

I have been with DH for 7 years married 5. All we do ATM is argue. He feels we have no sex life and I think we have no relationship (affection, friendship, fun)!
Its like a vicious circle, Cause to me it doesnt feel like a relationship so I dont feel in the mood for sex- which he cant understand and him 'being a bloke' wants sex even if we are arguing!
Weve talked argued about so much and both agreed he would be less in my face about sex and try to make more of an effort to the relationship side and I would make more of an effort in our sex life. But neither of us are getting it right. Im still not 'up for it' enough- Considering the fact i had a DS3 5 weeks ago! and he is lazy & selfish and sulks if he cant get his own way most of the time. He thinks hes making an effort with the relationship, he gives me a cuddle and kiss but then will pretty much always wants it to go a bit further -like a quick, feel regardless of where we are, who we are with or what were doing. Then sulks if I say it an inapropriate time. Ds3 wouldnt settle last night so gave him a bottle at 12 DH asked if he should go to sleep or wait up(he gets up at 4.30am for work) so I said I dint mind and he went off on one about me not sounding interested, basically he was testing me to see what i'd say -another of his tricks- I thought he wanted to go to bed cause he was tired and was due up again in 4 1/2 hours! now hes not talking to me, when he gets home he will be grumpy and we will argue again!
As for him I know he has a high sex drive and me a low one, I do want a better sex life. Our sex life has changed since we met & i keep getting reminded 'you used to do that/be like this' I try to be more up for it (as he says) but somethings just arent me any more/dont have energy for a long nights of sex/ dont have time to explain what i want to do to him when the kids need their tea etc!!
Anyway, I do love him so much, he can be a great husband (just not much lately) and is a great dad, but I think we are almost at breaking point and I think he feels the same way. sad
I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont understand why its got so hard to keep each other happy? And atm we arent making each other happy.

akhems Wed 01-Jul-09 12:27:40

you have a five week old baby and he's complaining??? tell him to piss off!

mel1981 Wed 01-Jul-09 12:56:38

I know and I have for being unreasonable. But I want our sex life back too. We have had sex twice since DS3. 1st time I though was fine but not according to him- it didnt seem like I enjoyed it despite telling him otherwise and the 2nd time hurt so we stopped but he spent the next day sulking!

RealityIsMyOnlyDelusion Wed 01-Jul-09 13:00:09

Message withdrawn

WhereTheWildThingsWere Wed 01-Jul-09 13:02:46

Christ on a bike! After both of mine we didn't have sex for 6 months or so, just absolutely exhausted and traumatized, he is being completely unreasonable.

Overmydeadbody Wed 01-Jul-09 13:06:52

I am shocked that he wants and expects a normal active sex life to resume when it's only been five weeks since you gave birth!shock

What a selfich prick.

OrmIrian Wed 01-Jul-09 13:07:43

5 weeks! shock Remind him what his right hand is for FFS.

mel1981 Wed 01-Jul-09 13:08:38

I know he is being unreasonable.but he just doesnt see it -well for more than 5 mins after another arguement!
With this pregnancy I had placenta preavia and was admitted to hospital at 26 weeks so he had to go without since then til now and all I keep hearing is how 'desperate' he is which to me just makes him sound pathetic.
Im just so sick of going round in circles.

mel1981 Wed 01-Jul-09 13:08:39

I know he is being unreasonable.but he just doesnt see it -well for more than 5 mins after another arguement!
With this pregnancy I had placenta preavia and was admitted to hospital at 26 weeks so he had to go without since then til now and all I keep hearing is how 'desperate' he is which to me just makes him sound pathetic.
Im just so sick of going round in circles.

Technofairy Wed 01-Jul-09 13:24:50

I remember being told by the midwife and doctor that on no account should anybody have sex until at least after their 6 week check up.

Show him this

I know it says that sex within a week of giving birth is dangerous (who the hell would want to???) but it says the risk remains for 6 weeks. There's probably loads more if you google it.

So, you've already risked your health, and possibly life, giving in to his petulant demands. What more does he expect?? What a knob!

AnyFucker Wed 01-Jul-09 14:06:42

Who are these selfish pricks who are "desperate" for sex ??

Do their dicks rule their whole life? So much so that they are fully prepared to ruin their relationship with the post-partum, hormonal, exhausted mother of their child ?

Sex before the 6 wk checkup is not recommended anyway. Even after that, it should be very much a the womans pace. She is the one whose pelvic floor has been ripped apart after all. I hate the way that some men treat their wives like blow-up sexdolls that do the washing-up as a convenient sideline !

Truly, you need to sort out this unreasonale behaviour or I fear in a couple of yrs time, he is going to shag some other woman and blame it on you 'cos you didn't show him enough attention in the bedroom !

The relationship boards are full of this kinda shit.

ToughDaddy Wed 01-Jul-09 19:26:08

Mel- clearly your DH isn't being understanding enough. I think this is quite common (though) nad could lead to longer term resentment. Let me say that I think that you are NOT in the wrong here. BUT is there a way that you can tackle this together so that it doesn't wreck your relationship and build up long term bitterness? What are the things that he can do for YOU to make your life easier so that he can help you recover?

-can you guys hire more home help?
-can he get up in for the DC at nights, in the morning?
-can he do the cooking, cleaning etc. ?

And then is there anything that you can occasionally do for him to "relieve some of his pressure"? Perhaps a once a week agreement?

I know that my post may be heavily criticised but sometimes people try harder for each other if they feel that their partner truly understands/empathises. So he needs to show a whole lot more understanding and you could should ensure that he realises that you recognise that he is finding it frustrating and see what little you can do to help him.

I understand that we men lose it in our 40s so we have to enjoy it whilst it lasts.

I do hope that you can turn this around and make you closer to each other. A little compromise on each side can go a long way. Perhaps promise him a treat at some point and carve out the time for it as domestic stuff and children will always get in the way.

..the male perspective.

AnyFucker Wed 01-Jul-09 20:11:44

err, ToughDaddy

that is a myth that men "lose it" in their 40's

utter bollocks (ask my dh wink)

so there is absolutely no rush to get back to normal wrt sex, you should go at your own pace, not the artificial pace your "selfish" dh is trying to impose on you

ToughDaddy Wed 01-Jul-09 20:43:16

AnyFucker- I hope you are right. It is my prime motivation for keeping the jogging up!

Seriously, I am not sure that it is a myth as we hear that many men - perhaps many of those who have unhealthy lifestyles or are unlucky with genes- do rapidly fall off the cliff. I wouldn't start such an intrusive thread but it would make an interesting survey.

AnyFucker Wed 01-Jul-09 21:58:07

just keep up the horizontal jogging smile

ToughDaddy Wed 01-Jul-09 22:18:25

very happy to grin grin

ABetaDad Wed 01-Jul-09 22:54:48

mel1981 - I remember your previous thread on this issue.

I recall you could not have penetrative sex from 26 weeks because of placenta previa and am surprised you have had it twice since the birth. I also recall, you still were willing to be intimate with DH and give him relief and have obviously done so since.

The fact that you have done this for him and want to regain your libido are positive signs and he should be grateful for that. You should not be having penetrative sex in my view until you feel comfortable. That may be months away.

Your DH shoudl be helping out more, should be tired and should not be pushing you like this.

All men miss sex after the birth of a child and I do think that as long as the man is being considerate and doing as much as possible to help then even if a woman just wants to cuddle because she is too sore, tired or not up to sex then it is a nice thing to do to just occassionally spend 15 minutes recognising the man still has a sex drive. Just kissing, cuddling and touching him enough to bring him to orgasm. She does not have to agree to be touched at all if she does not want that. The man must respect that. However, doing this in my view goes a long way to maintaining a relationship at a difficult time.

Your DH should be more considerate and be much more helpful. He should have no complaints if you are prepared to offer what I have described above but no more than you want and only if he is playing his part and not pushing for anything more.

ToughDaddy Thu 02-Jul-09 10:34:54

Hello AnyFucker- I was with a couple of 30 something blokes at the pub last night and took opportunity to conduct an unscientific survey but will report back findings: we all agreed that we still full blooded sex beasts BUT that the errr "chemical explosion" at the peak of the moment that we experienced in our early 20s has been steadily tapering off even though desire is undiminshed. QED

ToughDaddy Thu 02-Jul-09 11:02:05

Mel1981- I read your previous thread (thanks to ABetaDad). I think you have tried to compromise, it seems. It is possible that you haven't yet forgiven him for not being more supportive/understanding when you were down in the dumps? This resentment could drag on unless your husband acknowledges what happened. The trouble is that he probably feels very hard done by. Controlling a high sex drive would take a lot of restraint on his side and he needs to know that there will be some light at the end of the tunnel in years to come. NCT classes etc. should really address this issue more frankly as this is so often a big issue.

mel1981 Thu 02-Jul-09 12:10:32

I agree tough daddy it is a big issue that isnt addressed nearly enough and ends up putting a strain on a lot of relationships at some point after birth. And to your earlier thread. we are quite limited to extra help. All family work except my mum but she had my boys for the time i was in hospital for long hours 5 days a week so im reluctant to ask her atm and we vant afford help. Another issue is night feeds- hes too tired!! I have to nag and i cant remember the last time he did one. DS3 had feeding problems so has to have a feed every 4 hours atm. he is either too busy, it ends up when hes getting ready for work- theres always an excuse. He has good & bad days with helping round the house too.
I understand completely that he does feel hard done -by with me being in hospital/having placenta preavia, thats why I tried my best at being understanding then and even now. I do sympathise with him and can understand how hard things my of been for him.But trying to get him to understand my reasons seems to be a big part of the struggle.
maybe your right &I do resent him for putting us through even more stress. I know its not completely down to him too.

Yesterday, i never heard from him all day another of his sulks. So I was ready for an arguement, when he got home I just took the boys in the garden to play and he sat in with DS3. Well, later he supprised me and talked to me! We both agreed to try to do what each other needed to feel happy- again! The evening was going really well...until about 10.30 we were about to go to bed (and I was happy to try to do something)& DS3 wouldnt settle. I was updating DH cv as hes just been made redundant and its his last day friday and hes useless on the computer, so he had to look after DS. He was getting so stressed at DS shouting at him for crying and cause there was 'nothing wrong with him'- So we had another row bout him needing to calm down with DS -hes a baby its not his fault he just wanted changing and a bottle, but DH felt he ruined our plans for the night. He kept swearing and being rude so I told him where to stick it again!! He eventually apologised for being a knob and we just ended up going to sleep.
He just seems to do himself no favours!

ToughDaddy Thu 02-Jul-09 16:23:11

Wow- you sound like a committed and conscientious wife and he IS being a KNOB. He must be made to understand the link between him being supportive and getting his own way! So you might have to lay down some terms balck and white:

-he needs to do the night time feeds or atleast alternate with you. Perhaps you do one week and he the other; depends what works for you.

-he must not take it out on the baby

-he must share the housework

I don't need to tell you that redundancy could add another layer of stress so I really hope that you can sort this out. Best wishes.

mel1981 Thu 02-Jul-09 21:33:17

I know toughdaddy we just seem to attract stressful situations I think. Im dreading him being home with me, some nights its bad enough with trying to get through the evening without arguing now weve gotta last the whole day!!
Again we havent argued so far tonight, he has helped with DS and done some housework. and DS has just gone to sleep -fingers crossed!! So looking promising so far.
Thanks for all the advice everyone smile

ToughDaddy Thu 02-Jul-09 22:24:15

Good progress. When you are having a quiet moment do remind him that these are precious years that you will or should look back on and cheerish (even with the baby adjustments) so don't waste it fighting. teamwork time, you are on the same side!

mel1981 Fri 03-Jul-09 09:02:00

Well... all went well last night. at last! I know it was only one night but its a start and it shows it can be done.
ToughDaddy we know all too well that these are precious years especially with the kids, as I had a stillbirth 3 1/2 years ago. It makes you stop and realise whats most important in life and that everyday counts. Thats why I dont unerstand if we managed to get through that horrible time together how come we have been struggling so much with this. Again I think a lot is down to stress, new baby, me adjusting to being back home after 10 weeks in hospital, the kids adjusting to me being home again, DH had to work full time and practically be a single parent while I was away and now the job situation.

ToughDaddy Fri 03-Jul-09 10:17:02

Very sorry to hear about still birth. You have certainly had a lot to deal with. Perhaps redundancy could give your family an opportunity to slow down a bit even nothwithstanding the financial impact. Let your DH know that you want to keep the good mood in the house and not fall out over silly things. My approach is to say that I wipe the slate clean before I go to bed i.e. no sulks or grudges and a little sign of affection whatever the day's troubles. Doesn't always work but mostly does.

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