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I know I am being stupid and don't rally want to talk about it but don't know what else to do

(24 Posts)
FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 30-Jun-09 16:53:41

DH and I don't row very often but when we do it is a really big deal for me and it sends me off on a spiral of wanting out and being fed up with my life here and with all the children.

I hate living in this house in this area and I am fed up of the same old same old every day.

When DH and I argue I just want to be someone else.

Northernlurker Tue 30-Jun-09 16:54:52

and when you make up does that feeling go away?

ActingNormal Tue 30-Jun-09 16:57:59

Does it set off your doubts about 'am I with the right man/have I made the right decisions/What if I am trapped?'

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 30-Jun-09 17:08:26

no, nl. i did ring him later as i was so upset and just wanted to be friends but while i want him home (feel safe when he is here) i am scared.

yes, an, totally

Northernlurker Tue 30-Jun-09 17:12:23

Are you scared of him?

Or of how you feel?

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 30-Jun-09 17:14:59

how i feel

that things just keep going round in circles

i lost my temper with ds2 and have done nothing in the house since getting back from school other than feeding the kids
been a bit off with dh on the phone too

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 30-Jun-09 17:35:49

I am now locked in the bathroom as I have had enough.

8 year old was worried whether daddy and I were friends this morning as he knew he had gone to work without saying bye, and he knew I was upset this afternoon. I am such a cr*p mother as he has just asked me if I am okay.

This is ridiculous and I need slapping.

DutchOma Tue 30-Jun-09 17:39:10

You need a hug {{{{FabBakerGirl}}}. Get someone to make you a drink. It's too hot for argumants. At least it is here.

Northernlurker Tue 30-Jun-09 17:41:32

Right get out of the bathroom now!

There is nothing wrong in a child knowing that grown ups don't always agree. There is nothing wrong in a child knowing that grown ups sometimes shout. These are all hard parts of the adult world that you CANNOT protect them from so stop thinking you're a crap mother because on a hot day you've lost your temper and you and your life partner have had a row.

Out of the bathroom, get a cooling drink and sit for a bit. Nobody's life is perfect - we don't get to leap from lovely thing to exciting thing and then off to another lovely thing without also having pain, doubt, uncertainty. Our lives are as we live them - you didn't take a wrong turning and miss something because it doesn't exist till you live it iyswim?

When your dh comes up just start again. Get a good nights sleep and face tomorrow as a new day. You are ok, you can do this and you don't need a slap but you do need to consciously say that you are not going to let the dark thoughts own you. YOU live your life and you are ok. That's all that's asked of you - NOBODY is perefect and NOBODY has a perfect life.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 30-Jun-09 17:42:24

This hot sticky weather can make people more ratty and unreasonable than usual. Have a nice cold drink and run the cold tap over your wrists for a few minutes then plan something nice for tea.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 30-Jun-09 17:45:08

this has been going on for months and i just despair of ever getting through it

papiermache Tue 30-Jun-09 18:12:47

Find some 'you' time, if you don't already have it. An hour or two a week (more if manageable) when you get to be just you.

Do things just for you, book massages, have your hair done, meet with friends in a child free space, sit and read a good book! Investigate courses running locally, whatever you want to do.

Take time to recall who you are, not you the mum, you the partner but you!

A bit of regular time out can be worth it's weight in allowing clarity and self worth to surface. (IME wink)

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 30-Jun-09 18:18:02

It is funny you saying that as I said to DH last night that I love being his wife and mum to his kids but when do I get time to be me?

mamas12 Tue 30-Jun-09 18:32:43

omg you think you were crap mother by shouting at you dp.
I called my ds a little dickhead last night shock I've never namecalled in my life!
So you're doing very well.

ActingNormal Tue 30-Jun-09 18:40:23

Is there a new 'hobby' you could get into to give yourself a bit of a spark about your life? Are you expecting DH to provide that spark? What things do you like doing? Do you have any little things to look forward to each day? Even if it is something as small as having a coffee and reading a magazine, I think we all need lots of little things in our day that give us a bit of enjoyment.

The answer to all of life's excitement and happiness is not to rely on your partner to provide it all because nobody can be everything to you. I think if you've had a difficult past you kind of expect the person you end up with to 'rescue' you and make everything wonderful but with such high expectations it is really easy to feel disappointed by them.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 30-Jun-09 19:23:49

It sounds stupid but I don't know how to not let things get too much for me and then cause me more problems.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 30-Jun-09 20:32:30

case in point - dh won't let me talk to him about something and i assume my marriage is over and wonder if i can even be bothered to fight for it.

gothicmama Tue 30-Jun-09 20:36:54

living somewhere were you feel unsafe can be very draining can you look at moving, or could you speak to GP or someone as it sounds as tho you could possible have anixety or some form of depression

FabBakerGirlIsBack Tue 30-Jun-09 20:37:57

dh says we can't move yet

on ads already..

ActingNormal Tue 30-Jun-09 22:41:02

Sounds like you are seeing things in black and white eg you have a small disagreement with DH and think the relationship is doomed. Most people have disagreements and it doesn't mean they need to split up.

I think this black and white thinking can develop when you had traumas in the past that aren't fully processed yet, because anything even a little bit bad makes you scared that it is going to escalate into being as bad as the past traumas even if this is very unlikely.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Wed 01-Jul-09 07:53:17

I just feel so mixed up today.

There are a lot of things unresolved in my life and I am finding that really hard to cope with at the moment.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 03-Jul-09 20:53:40

AN is the stately homes thread about?


Owls Fri 03-Jul-09 21:23:00

Fab, it's active. 6th visit I think it's called.

Sorry you feel so bad at the moment. sad

FabBakerGirlIsBack Fri 03-Jul-09 21:50:22

thank you

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