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No feelings for DH

(14 Posts)
Miseryohmisery Tue 30-Jun-09 11:28:04

I have been with my DH for nearly 20 years. We have had ups and downs and almost split up pre-children. We have two DSs.

The last five years have been very difficult for all of us because of ongoing health problems for my DS2 and I have lost all feelings for my DH.

He is a lovely, lovely man but when he goes away for week I don't think about him even for a second. I really have to force myself to let him touch me and we very, very rarely have sex. I can't remember the last time we kissed other than like friends.

Is anyone else in this situation? Has anyone managed to get through it? I don't love him and I don't think that I can again.

Thanks for listening.

IamNOTaBILLopenME Tue 30-Jun-09 11:56:10

Hi, I am just wondering what you would like to happen. Would you like to be able to love your DH again for instance or do you feel that you would prefer to leave? Or are you looking for ways to live together but not in a married sense?

I am sorry you feel like this, it must be difficult for you.

Berrie Tue 30-Jun-09 12:03:05

What do you mean by love exactly? like him?

Do you like him? Does he make you laugh, do you turn to him for comfort when you are upset?

Berrie Tue 30-Jun-09 12:04:35

Oops!smile

Miseryohmisery Tue 30-Jun-09 12:23:12

Berrie, I do like him, but I feel very distant from him. I can't turn him for comfort and that makes me feel very lonely. He had some mental health issues just before the traumas with our son happened and I think that made me feel that he couldn't cope as well as I could. He 'turned away' from a lot of the problems before and after my DS's birth and I felt very isolated. Actaully I WAS isolated as I spent a year sleeping alone, so that he could sleep.

We don't laugh much together, no sad We used to laugh a lot!

Iamnotabill, I would like to be in love with him and to be able to stay together. I just don't know how to make that happen any more. I used to jump through hoops to keep 'us' happy but haven't been able to do that since DS was born as we are restricted in what we can do and where we can go (even more than most parents).

Berrie Tue 30-Jun-09 12:45:58

Have you tried Relate?
Is he still depressed? Is he getting help?

sad for you.

Miseryohmisery Tue 30-Jun-09 12:57:27

No, he isn't depressed, but he gets ground down very easily if that makes sense. I feel so stupid as I suspected that DH would not cope well with our having a second child (he thrives on attention) and, of course, our DS has turned out to require even more of my time than the average child would.

His breakdown was work related and he finally changed jobs. He is very low in confidence (despite being very successful) and I do try to build him up as much as possible.

We haven't tried Relate, but I did look into it. DH is away all week and unfortunately the appnts are only week day here.

IamNOTaBILLopenME Tue 30-Jun-09 13:00:38

I may be wrong, it has been known wink but you sound a little depressed yourself. You know what I would do if I were in your shoes, I would stop thinking about DH and the relationship for a while, I would take the pressure off myself to be happy with him. I would then spend as much time as it took, concentrating on myself, investing time in me. Eat well, exercise, new hairstyle/colour, wear something different etc. I would work on making myself happy. I am sure you will find that when you feel happier you will get a different response from your DH and you will have a good base to work from. smile

Miseryohmisery Tue 30-Jun-09 13:04:25

Thanks, Iamnitabill. Wise words. I am not very good at looking after myself, but don't have anyone to take care of me.

IamNOTaBILLopenME Tue 30-Jun-09 13:19:44

smile You don't need anyone else to take care of you, you can do that for yourself. What you need is some love and appreciation for who you are. The first step in getting that is to love yourself and appreciate all you have going for you.

I also think when people are in a situation such as yours resentment starts to build and you get caught up in the misery of it. Taking a step back and concentrating on you will give you a diversion from that, it will get you out of the rut of over thinking. When you have put some space between yourself and the problem you will be able to look at it more objectively and you might find solutions and ways to improve things with your DH may just spring to mind smile Or you may find that you actually want to instigate things which bring about an improvement.

I do wonder if your DH is picking up on how you feel, picking up on your unhappiness. He may be afraid to broach the subject in case he hears something he doesn't really want to hear. He may be avoiding the issue but he could still be feeling very sad about it.

Miseryohmisery Tue 30-Jun-09 13:43:48

He is very sad. The last time we really talked (a year ago!) he said that he couldn't tolerate things for much longer.

I will give what you said some serious thought. Thanks.

IamNOTaBILLopenME Tue 30-Jun-09 13:55:38

I hope you manage to find a solution. Good luck smile

cestlavielife Tue 30-Jun-09 14:35:56

i have a disabled son. my ex could never cope with it. so i got on with it.

my ex also had a breakdown left his job etc. in the end he got severely depressed and angry and attacked our son. for years i had said to him, get some help, get some counselling - but he refused - then it was too late. (he also got violent towards me so as i said, other things going on too).

i am not suggesting this will happen - but if someone finds it difficult to deal with health issues in their child, then really it makes sense to seek counselling for this - then the rest might fall into place. if you jsut carry on muddling thru then evnetually something will give and fall apart...

you need to try and get your h into counselling to deal with your child's health issues - like bereavement counselling - it is the stages of grief to go thru, to accept that you dont have the child you thought you would. it sounds like you have processed this - you accept the extra work involved etc - and he has not.

do you get any respite or help with your child's needs? if not, then you need to get some so you can spend time with your h. (if you want to!)

also Relate to work on things together - but try and find a counsellor who helps parents with children who are sick/disabled.

maybe thru a childrens hospice for example. so you can both go and especially him individually. you both need a space to express how you feel about your child's health needs and how it impacts on your lives. and come to terms with it.

it seems from reading between lines that you do not feel supported by him in dealing with your son's issues and needs. i knew that feeling well...

also your h has his own issues (mental health referred to)

further if you not getting respite/outside help so you get a break together - then it compounds it.

agree tho with making it about you and your happiness within yourself, rather than seeing it as dependent on your h.

miseryohmisery Wed 01-Jul-09 10:44:41

Hi Cestlavie,

I am so sorry that you have been through it.

My DS's health is slowly improving, so I do not think that we can access any of the local respite services.

We have the offer of the children being looked after now for a night but I am avoiding that to be honest. We needed that desperately two/three years ago, but unfortunately DS was then too ill. I know that I am partly to blame owing to my inability to open up to my DH. That is a long-term issue and one that has been made worse by this very difficult period. I have now resolved to talk with DH this weekend as we can't go on avoiding the issue.

Thanks very much for sharing your experiences with me. I hope that you are happy now - you deserve it.

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