Will I ever Forgive and/or Forget??

[jenny85uk]

To cut an extremely long story short me and husband have been together almost 7 yrs and married just over 1 of them. he is 26 i am 24 and we have 2 young boys together.

Right background sorted, pretty much since we started going out I have always had reason to distrust him and usually when the computer was around. I was always finding pictures of girls on the computer and he was secretive with his phone.

Well once he admitted to me he liked to flirt with girls on the computer cos it was a release for him. I told him I was not happy with this and he promised he would stop.

Anyway at the beginning of this yr my husband decided he would like to go swinging and i couldnt comprehend it. On a works night out I was really drunk and ended up kissing a male colleague and we continued to flirt and text each other. I put this down to feeling unloved and unappreciated.

My husband found out and kicked me out which i was fine with because as far as i was concerned i was no longer 'in love' with him. He acted like a lost puppy and asked me to come back so i did and we got things back on track. he made me feel really guilty all the time but i deserved it.

3 weeks ago I was checking the computer and found out he had created about 40 email addresses and was able to access the profiles of some of his msn contacts. I added them and spoke to one who told me she met my husband and slept with him but he had said he was single. I told him i knew what he's done and he asked what and eventually confessed to meeting a girl off the internet when he told me he had a job interview. I realised this was a different girl. he then broke down and confessed he had a girl back to our house but they didnt sleep together did all but (because they had no condoms) this was a girl he worked with and decided to invite round while i was at a concert with my sister. he confessed that he slept with a girl in march and met another girl 3 days after our first wedding anniversary. i was so hurt i wont go into how i felt but i tried to get over it. we decided to put a password on comp but then he thought i was treating him like a baby so i took it off. i went to see take that last week and when i returned checked comp and found he had a girl blocked on msn and facebook so i contacted her and found out this girl was the one he met just for a kiss but they had actually slept together too. i told him i knew and he cried and said he didnt want to lose me etcetc. i now find out he has met a girl on his lunch break in work but they didnt even kiss.

he says its an addiction so he just wont go on internet anymore and im trying my best to forget but after all this hurt i dont know if i can??

[Tillyscoutsmum]

Gosh - I'm not sure where to start really but in your position, there is no way I would be able to forgive and forget... ever

Why do you want to stay with him ?? Do you really think that if you do manage to forgive him, that it won't happen again ?

Frankly, unless you are willing to stay in a marriage where your husband will continuously cheat on you, then you would be much better off leaving him and finding someone who will love and respect you. I know you have been with him since you were 17 and therefore might not have anything to compare him to, but I can promise you this is not normal behaviour and you are worth so much more.

[WhenwillIfeelnormal]

No - and you shouldn't. The internet isn't the problem Jenny and you know that don't you? This man has been repeatedly unfaithful to you, he has lied throughout to you and even suggested swinging. He doesn't really want to be monogamous and in a sense, is telling you that. If you want a monogamous relationship, this man is not up to the job, I'm afraid.

The good news is that you've found out now while you are still young enough to find a man who IS up to the job. The fact that all this is happening so early on in your marriage is telling in itself.

I wouldn't even try forgiving and forgetting in this situation. I'd tell myself I'm worth more than this man.

Sorry you're going through this though, it's a hell of a shock.

[jenny85uk]

I kind of expected those responses and i know if i told my family they would feel exactly the same way. i told his mum yesterday and she was not impressed and suggested counselling but with me not working (cos i had to leave my job due to the male colleague) we cannot afford it.

I have told him if we didnt have the kids there is no way on this earth i could have forgiven him for what he did and it still hurts like hell and i dont know how long it will hurt for.
I'm just not strong enough to walk away and hoped that i could forget and move on. he doesnt use the internet has changed his mobile number and he doesnt go out anyway other than to work and football.

[HappyWoman]

he does not want to be monogonous and may well have an addiction - if he wants to change and commit to you in the way you NEED him to then he will have to go and get help and prove to you that he is willing and can change.

While you allow him to continue he will - the only person who can walk away is you, and you do deserve to be respected at least.

I fear that he is trying to make you feel you are wrong for demanding things of him and he can always get around you. if you let him treat you like this it will build into real resentment and that is not a happy place to be.

Be grown up and accept that you want different things and that it is ok to get what you want to.

Good luck

[Dior]

I really don't think that men like this CAN change.

[QuintessentialShadow]

Jenny, it will probably hurt for ever, because this man will keep sleeping with other women. In your marital bed, on his lunchbreak.

Every time you are out of the house, you will wonder, "who is my husband having sex with (in our bed) tonight?"

Where were your children when you were at the concert?

Did your husband have sex with a stranger in your bed when the kids were at home and asleep?
What if one of them came into your bed because he wasnt feeling well? What if he saw daddy shagging a stranger?

You need to kick his sorry arse out.

[jenny85uk]

it was his idea to get rid of the internet, change his number and tell his mum so i thought that this must be his way of trying to change.

he doesnt think i will forgive him and understands he wants me to but knows i may not be able to. he told me i deserve better and he will be better but is there anyone out there who has gone through similar to this and come out the other side still married?

i do love him dearly, it hurts me that he betrayed my trust and let me believe i was just paranoid for the past 7 yrs but now i know i'm just confused. i wish i could take a pill to make me forget. i can see no way he can cheat on me again without the computer because thats always been his vice and now he doesnt have it

[jenny85uk]

he's never done anything with the kids in the house they have been with me at my familys house. he didnt sleep with the girl in our bed, it was as good as so i made him get rid of the bed as soon as i found out. the other 2 women had not been in our house he went to them, i know it makes it no better but no the kids would never have had any knowledge

[QuintessentialShadow]

Do you really think he will change?

By now, it is a way of life for him. This is what he is.

Why tell his mum? Is he a petulant teenager?

No! He is a grown man and a father who cant keep his dick in his trousers, and does not have enough morals to realize that you DO NOT invite other women home for sex the moment your wife goes out for the evening!

[Dior]

If he has no access to the internet, what is to stop him meeting someone on the street, at work, in the park etc? He will find a way.

[QuintessentialShadow]

The internet is not the problem. His lacking morals is.

[jenny85uk]

if it is as he says an addiction the addiction was always flirting with girls on the computer and getting away from reality, without that escape he cant. and no thanks i dont think he is a petulant teenager i told his mother as no one in his family knows what he is like and we both thought it best for her to know so she could more understand what i did what i did and also not let him use her computer when he is round there but nevermind i came on here for some constructive advice which i got off some of you and thank you for but others have really not helped and i hope u nver have to be in my situation and that ur life is a bed of roses, its so easy to say leave him he's this he's that he's the other but thats not what im asking for im asking has anyone been in my situation and been able to forgive and or forget because ultimately thats what i want to do but i know it will be hard if i can at all

[coppertop]

If it truly is an addiction then will he really be able to just stop using the internet? You said in your OP that you had agreed before about putting a password on the computer but then he persuaded you to take it off. I can't help thinking that this will end up the same way.

In any case, what's to stop him using internet cafes?

I also can't help wondering whether the idea is to stop you from having access so that you can't catch him out quite so easily.

[jenny85uk]

Yeah I was stupid and backed down quickly the last time because i thought i could trust him. it was his idea to password the computer. only i know the password and it is nothing he could guess. he knows i wont tell him this time around and there are no internet cafes by us, his mum works in the local library and wont let him use the comps after our discussion and works internet has block on all social networking/gaming/chat etc sites, he can only access bbc and sky sports cant even check his bank.

i still have full access to the computer and the internet hence why i can use it now so i know he's not trying to stop me from using it but he knows himself if he gets the password he will get the urge to chat girls up again as it is something he did way before he met me, he went to a same sex school and didnt have a social life so his life was the internet and always has been

[SolidGoldBrass]

If you can't bring yourself to leave him, then your only other option is to accept that he is not monogamous and will continue having sex with other people. COuld you do that? Think about it. Could you sit down with him and say, look, this is not going to work as a monogamous relatinship, so here are the ground rules ie no casual sex partners in the family home (he can go to their homes or take them to hotels, or go and get laid at swinging parties), regular checkups at the STI clinic... oh, and you are allowed to have other partners and dates as well.
This does work for some people and it might work for you, because when you accept that your partner is not monogamous then you are not spending all your time worrying and snooping and questioning and being lied to and it;s a lot less stressful.

[QuintessentialShadow]

He might just call an escort service if all the other options are unavailable to him.

Plenty of women here have found that their partners are using escorts.

He is not going to be able to stay monogamous if he doesnt want to.

Listen to SGB, she is very wise in such matters.

[QuintessentialShadow]

If what you want is to forgive and forget and live with him, then I suggest you let him do it openly rather than sneaking around. Change the terms and call it an "open marriage". He gets to shag whomever he wants (and you do too, should you want to, and make this clear to him) without the guilt, and you dont have to worry whether it happens or not, as you know it is happening.

Just urge him to use condoms, so he does not spread any stds to you, or get some women pregnant. It will be a blow to start paying maintenance.

[jenny85uk]

thats not what i want at all. i suggested an open relationship after i kissed my male colleague and he said no straight away he was not into the idea at all. i honestly believe that after being caught out he wants to be monogamous. i could never give my consent to him sleeping with other women and as for an escort not a chance, he doesnt have any secret money and we barely get by on what we have, he could not afford an escort and i dont think he would either. is there no one out there who believes he can change and will change? or is it once a cheater always a cheater? i was thinking that because now i know he has to stop but he kept going because i didnt know. the first girl was back in 2007 as i say she was someone he worked with and she knew we were getting married within months (if i could meet her i would scalp her) yes we had some problems, we werent having the best of times (no excuse) and then as i say it was march and may of this yr, march was i think in retaliation to finding out what i had done and may i dont know why thats the one i really cant get my head around, he said it was because he thought i was goin to leave him again.

[QuintessentialShadow]

He kicked you out for a kiss, but HE has been going a lot further hasnt he? And more than once? You had a drunken snog, he has deliberately been seeking out women online, and offline, for years.

He should be able to apply the same standards to himself as he expects of you. If he does not want an open relationship, he should stay faithful.

As for whether he will stick to this, or just be better at covering his tracks, only time will tell, I suppose....

He has some serious work to do on himself for you to regain his trust.

[papiermache]

I think SGB and QS have hit the nail on the head. If you accept this is what he has done, and will always do and are prepared to enter into a future such as this, then you need to restructure your relationship around new boundaries.

You asked whether anyone has been able to forgive and forget such behaviour? In my case, no. Because I didn't want to!

It wasn't just about realising my partner's inability to be manogamous but all the lies, deceit and disrespect that went before.

I might have chosen a polygamous relationship from the outset but that would have/would need to be based in my own absolute freedom of choice. I personally didn't see it as a viable option in salvaging the remnants of a once monogamous relationship gone bad.

Regarding children? I want to encourage mine (ours) towards self respect!...my own behaviour/boundaries and choices are intrinsic to their learned behaviour.

[papiermache]

Meant to say polygamous/open relationship.

I know I appear lacking in emotion but honestly, I've been through the mill and back on this specific subject and I do feel for you.

[jenny85uk]

i think for me its either monogamous or nothing i cant just cant accept anything other than that, it makes me sick to think about the other women let alone the future ones if we to go down that route.

the kids are too young to understand anything yet but i dont want this to affect them. i certainly dont want them turning out the way their father did. he's perfect in everyother way i just think he's lacking social skills which is why he has always turned to the internet and i know where this next comment is going to get me so please hold back if u can but which is how we met, on an internet chat room, but u have to understand i was 17, just fallen out with my friends, he was 19 really attractive and was interested in me i was smitten and remained that way until i got drunk that night with work

[QuintessentialShadow]

It really does not matter so much how you met, to be honest. But the fact is that you have commited yourself to eachother, you are grown ups now, and you have children, you are married, and he should grow up and not act like he was 19 and seek out girls online. He needs to get past this stage.

The internet means a lot to a lot of people, kids growing up today have social networking sites as part of their lives in a different way than we did (I am 37) and I look upon it as just another way of interacting with people, in a society that is so busy that you barely have time to stop and say hello to your neighbour, let alone know who your neighbour is... Nothing to be ashamed of, that you met online. Lots of people meet online.

[papiermache]

Jenny, you have done nothing wrong! Just the fact alone that you two met in an internet chatroom is little or nothing to do with his past and current behaviour within your relationship.

i.e. If I met a future partner in a bar on a night out, I wouldn't enter a relationship with them with the expectation of them continuing to pick up girls in bars, IYSWIM?

Many couples meet online, many go on to have respectful, fulfilling relationships. The internet access (as others have said) is little to do with his behaviour. I know you're fighting this concept due to his apparent willingness to 'give it all up'.

Don't be fooled! You are not a fool, do not let anyone treat you as if you are, particularly the man who is meant to have the utmost respect for you.

His lack of social skills seems to be being proffered as justification for his dire behaviour. It isn't! Nothing is, he still knows right from wrong, hence his deceit.

This is about trust Jenny, can you really foresee an enjoyable future in continually monitoring his internet/phone/time away from you? Unless you're going to just take his word, of course

[jenny85uk]

i certainly wasnt expecting that, thanks i think i'm gonna draw a line under it for the time being, there is nothing else i can do unless i'm prepared to walk away which i'm not strong enough to do. i've contacted relate and i'm waiting on an application to get on their waiting list .

thank you for all your help and advice fingers crossed