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Thought it was getting better . . .

(152 Posts)
whatanothernamechange Mon 29-Jun-09 23:10:12

Having been to an initial counselling session and H has been doing a lot more, making helpful / caring comments etc, I really thought maybe he is serious about change. Don't know if i'm over-reacting. Went to gp about urine infection and discussed home situation. Gp said he was just a "typical man" and I should "ignore" any nasty comments / ignoring me etc, and find something else to do. Even saying the thought of staying in this situation is intolerable, and the thought of breaking up the family makes me feel awful, and at times I feel like I just can't go on didn't really seem to register with her. She said marriage is hard and you have to work on it. Well I was almost feeling friendly to Dh when he came home (today was also better because after a week at home with "stress" he went back to work). Then I tried to phone a friend with his phone (on his say so) and he pointed out that he'd changed his pin. When I asked why, he went really cagey. Then this evening he went off to talk with a male "friend". He came back quite "chipper" and so I said "how did it go?" and again he got cagey and said "You know, the last four weeks?" and I said "well what about it?" and he was cagey. I got cross and said he was back to the same old s**t of not talking to me and he said "don't talk to me like that". The thing is, I know this person he has been talking to is not the most discrete, so tomorrow I imagine the school playground will be an interesting place to be. I'm so upset. He has been going on about me being open and so on with him, when he is keeping things from me just as he has always done. I'm very sad. Am seeing WA again tomorrow. GP was a church person and asked whether I wanted what I had said to go on my record and I said yes please. Maybe he's been right and I've been a bad wife all these years.

papiermache Mon 29-Jun-09 23:21:19

"Gp said he was just a "typical man" and I should "ignore" any nasty comments / ignoring me etc,..."

No! Absolutely not respectful behaviour and as his wife, respect is the very, very least you deserve. 'Ignoring' (stonewalling) and 'nasty comments' (verbal abuse) are base indicators of a dire imbalance and I would really urge you to seek further help.

I don't know what else to say except for to state the blindingly obvious fact that you deserve better! All the best in seeking a way to attaining that.

whatanothernamechange Tue 30-Jun-09 00:53:48

I am seeking further help, but it's really hard where I am at the moment, adn also when you get church people telling you that things aren't that bad, God wants you to stay together and that there is something special round the corner, I mean, who wants to go against God?

toomanystuffedbears Tue 30-Jun-09 02:02:44

Hello again. Sorry this may be rather tactless...

You are not over reacting. Your perspective is important.

Your perspective is important.

<<<<You exist, damn it!! >>>>
<<<<You have every right to be upset!>>>>

Quit letting these people talk you out of your feelings. They are your feelings, and they are VALID.

Dismissiveness is emotional abuse. Dismiss, ridicule, degradation-just keeping you pressed down so he can have another power play at your expense. You will be in a great state of depression if you continue your present course, if you are not already.

Churches do alot of good in the world. And it is blasephemous to say anything negative about them. But, just a suggestion, mind you, try googling "NPD in churches". There can be some rather toxic dynamics that go on with people at church. I am not, of course, saying this sort of thing is what is happening with your church experience, but it may be worth some study to clarify your valid perspective on that source of influence over your circumstances.

You could say that you talked to God last night and he doesn't want you to stay in an abusive marriage because it isn't healthy for you or your dc.

Dismissiveness from ANYONE does not invalidate what you are going through. And collectively...no-your perspective is still paramount. It is your life.

Take things one at a time. That will help you not feel so overwhelmed.

Take care.

toomanystuffedbears Tue 30-Jun-09 02:03:25

He not he....sorry

whatanothernamechange Tue 30-Jun-09 13:39:47

well, have taken one positive step today. no info because who knows who is reading this. . . yesterday H came in, saw me on the computer and said "nice to know you're being talked about!" and I was actually responding to someone else's thread.
Then this morning he gave me long lecture about how he's trying and how he had a lot of abuse on MN, being called misogynist(sp?) and controlling and how no one would listen to his side. He also said I have been hiding things from him over the last 4 weeks. Actually he has been hiding things from me for the last 10+years and I've only been trying to get my head straight. he said the only reason he went on MN and read my diary was because he wanted to know what was going on. All this sounds quite feasible, so why do I feel stifled and despairing. having thought about the person he spoke to yesterday, I have calmed down a little, because I realise that he has probably hear a lot of stuff from the other side as I have talked to his wife over the years about the situation. I expect he took everything he was told with a pinch of salt.
Anyway, have made some positive steps forward today and am less upset. Last night I hardly slept.

toomanystuffedbears Tue 30-Jun-09 13:59:38

Double standard. He gets his private phone friend but you don't get privacy for total strangers from the other side of the planet.

Sarcasm is anger in disguise. It is still anger.

He is "still" acting like a six year old. "See? I'm being good, aren't I?"
He wants things his way or he's going to have a tantrum (manifested in the stream of accusations).

"Sounds quite feasible"-he wants to brainwash you into not trusting your own judgement. Yet the feeling you come away with is "Stifled and Despairing"-that is where the truth lies-not good.

His going on MN was a control power play and nothing else. Reading your diary was a complete invasion of privacy and breach of trust. So he doesn't trust you? This is classic deflection behavior because he has something to hide.

Stay focused, WANC.

Did I recommend books before? Perhaps it was another thread...
Anger Management by Peter Favaro
and
Disarming the Narcissist by Wendy Behary

whatanothernamechange Tue 30-Jun-09 19:06:15

Can't afford books atm. I have a growing list to try to get hold of from the library.
DH has taken the kids to a club and phoned to say he's staying to "have a chat" with another male church friend and will be back later.
I just read a thread where the OP talked about how she really loved her OH and felt he was her soulmate. I don't feel that. Also have finally articulated my feelings. Have written them down but not shown him as that probably would not be a good idea, but it helped me to sort out the jumble in my head. He has never really opened up to me. When I ask him about anything personal that's important, he speaks in very general vague terms or "can't remember". Also he thinks that he can use being depressed as an excuse for not treating me well. He went to see the doctor about it, but she apparently said he didn't need medication!!

theDreadPirateRoberts Tue 30-Jun-09 20:46:48

Hi wanc - just caught up with you smile

tbh, the doctor sounds like a liability - it's absolutely not on for her to tell you to stay with a man like this, or bring religion into the consultation at all. Can you see another GP at the surgery? Hope you get the UTI sorted anyway.

What sort of church is it? None of it sounds healthy. Is it an alpha type thing?

Listen to your heart, stay strong. Keep on making the positive moves. Maybe read this thread and see if there are any bells ringing over the behaviour? You really aren't alone in the way you're being treated and feeling, and you're certainly not alone here smile

CarGirl Tue 30-Jun-09 20:57:07

Is it possible that your dh is just so convincing in his manner and what he says about you and your marriage that he has everyone fooled including those at church?

CarGirl Tue 30-Jun-09 20:59:27

Is it possible that your dh is just so convincing in his manner and what he says about you and your marriage that he has everyone fooled including those at church?

Alambil Tue 30-Jun-09 21:43:43

God says wives must respect their husbands, sure

BUT it also says in the bible that husbands MUST treat their wivees how Jesus himself treated the church / sacraficed himself for us.....

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephisians 5:25)

He ain't upholding his part of the marriage vows, so why should you be locked into it?

Over and above all of that, God wants you to be happy, free and secure - none of which you are right now.

and there endeth my sermon (which I had told to me when I was divorcing my husband)

dittany Tue 30-Jun-09 21:58:29

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatanothernamechange Tue 30-Jun-09 22:51:45

He has just barraged me again with a whole load of stuff and I am worn down and tired. Saying he wants persistence, patience, forgiveness, some love. I am so numb.

dittany Tue 30-Jun-09 23:03:49

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

toomanystuffedbears Wed 01-Jul-09 00:38:45

He is emotionally at the level of a six year old. All about him, no reciprocating responsibility. Tell him to go "Pound Sand". Men know what that means.

Move on. That could include changing churches too, btw.

Communication:
Repeat back to him what he is asking you. (He may not realize how absurd it is until he hears it rather than saying it.)

Then, without pause, state your perspective and why you could not possibly live up to his _____ expectations ("impossible" would be tactful, but resist "psyco"). And you could add a "Not Negotiable" clause.

This is creating boundaries. Things you will not do. (Ah-hemm-For Example: You will not "Be his mommy."-like dittany pointed out.)

Unreconcilable differences-would that be grounds for a divorce where you live? The church wouldn't have anything to do with it...tell the mother superiors that God isn't living with him, you are.

Stay focused. You are right about all of this. Trust your feelings. And try not to be so reflexively trusting about everything he tells you. That indicates creating some emotional distance from him-sort of another boundary, part of your strategy for dealing with all of this crap.

whatanothernamechange Wed 01-Jul-09 09:41:02

This morning I was running late and needed to drive the DC's to school. I found he had parked his car across the drive and left his alarm on (it's am old car so the alarm is not an automatic thing). I don't have a device for it. I was able to get past, but it's this kind of lack of basic consideration or thought that really gets to me. I also think he believes his barrage was effective because he kept saying "I love you" this morning. It feels a bit like a slap in the face when he says it actually. Very strange.

Kazzi79 Wed 01-Jul-09 10:37:05

I do a lot of work with victims of domestic violence, the type of behaviour your husband is displaying is nothing short of mental abuse.
Its true that you have to work hard to make a marriage work, but only if its a healthy relationship in the first place, if all the hard work is one sided and is leaving you mentally exhausted then thats not a healthy situation to be in.
Sometimes in life you have to accept that some people, either physically or emotionally or not safe to be around, you can't change another person you can only make choices to make your own life better. If you feel as though you can save your marriage then go for it, if not then its better to be happy on your own than unhappy with someone.

Would also like to point out that anger management isn't suitable for everyone, in some cases it helps the peron control their anger better in front of other people only to let it out even worse when they get behind closed doors. Yes it works well for some people.....but in domestic abuse cases it isn't usually the solution.

dittany Wed 01-Jul-09 13:19:50

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatanothernamechange Wed 01-Jul-09 15:43:29

I really don't know that he does do it on purpose, I do think it's genuine thoughtlessness, however the effect is the same. It's really wearing and it destroys any sense of togetherness or teamwork.

dittany Wed 01-Jul-09 16:02:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whatanothernamechange Wed 01-Jul-09 18:20:54

Ok.angry We have just had a conversation. A few days ago now, If told me that he went to his dad for some money this month. I was a bit annoyed because I thought it bad to be begging for money at our age. Today he announced the money was here. His dad had sent the money to him at work. This wound me up a bit, but then he said it was solicitor money. H had rung round until he found which solicitor I was seeing and then gone begging his dad for money for one himself. All this time saying he wants to work at us etc, but expending far more effort sneaking behind my back than he ever did on us. It's just another nail in the coffin as far as I'm concerned. I'm disgusted but it backs up the way I'm feeling actually.

whatanothernamechange Wed 01-Jul-09 18:28:41

He not if, flippin predictive texts

theDreadPirateRoberts Wed 01-Jul-09 19:56:39

Good - don't get depressed, get angry!

I don't remember where your own family are in all this - are they still around? Sorry if I'm dragging up anything sad...

Your H really is an apalling piece of work. Did you look through that thread I linked to? Did it sound at all familiar? Any help?

And whereabouts are you in the country? Would you be interested in seeing if there's an MNer nearby, who you could talk to and feel less alone in this? Or is Womens Aid enough right now?

xx

whatanothernamechange Wed 01-Jul-09 20:49:27

My family live on the other side of the country and my mum in particular believes in sticking with it through anything. We get on but I'd get no support from them on this. Also DH started his own thread on here under the same name as he used on my old thread. I didn't know until a friend told me. I do have a couple of really supportive friends both churchy. I don't talk to other people about it really. The thing that really gets to me about fil is that when we were really struggling financially, fil laughed at us when we asked him to bring us food, yet he's very prepared to contribute financially to the break up of our marriage!

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