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Reached last straw with DH, advice needed

(26 Posts)
dontknowwherewego Mon 29-Jun-09 19:38:17

It has been hell of a couple of years, which I have posted about on here under various names, none of which are my usual posting name.

I have reached the end with my husband, and cannot see a way forward. He is a recovering alcoholic, who has been sober now for over 2 years.

I found out about his alcoholism, which was well hidden, when our eldest child was born. He is now 2.5 years. As a result of his alcoholism I returned to work early from maternity leave, partly because I needed to get away from it all and also because of the financial security.

Since becoming sober, DH has set up a business which he runs from home. He also works full-time. I am currently on maternity leave with DS2, who is 8 weeks.

DH's business has been doing well, but he has no financial intelligence at all. We have argued frequently about his inability to budget sensibly. There have been a series of arguments in which I have discovered he has lied to me about money.

He has recently developed a friendship with a man in the same trade and DH has been doing some work for him. I have been suspicious about where the money has come from and without being too specific, DH has stolen items from his employer to pass onto this other chap. He has now been suspended.

I am furious. He has risked everything for a paltry sum. I did not ever suspect that he would anything illegal, and I now question everything I know about him.

I am terrified that he will be dismissed from work, but suspect it is likely. I am now on SMP only and his income from the business is just enough to cover our bills, but not food or petrol.

He is not the man I thought he was. He has lied, stolen and risked our security. Although he has never stolen before, he has developed a habit of lying over things. I cannot trust him.

He tells me that he loves me and does not want to lose me. I feel that I cannot stay with him. I no longer respect him or trust him. He is a good father in the sense that he is caring and loving, but he is not the sort of role model that I want for my boys.

I do not know what to do now. There is a full-time job at work that would mean a promotion for me. My contract is for part-time hours and I hate the thought of returning full-time. I have already sounded out the line manager about the prospect of flexible working and she is not amenable to the idea. At best she'll consider 4 days a week. I desperately do not want to return to work so early. My son is only 8 weeks old and I am heartbroken at the thought of going back.

I feel sick at the thought of relying on him for money. His business, like others, is not secure and I cannot live hand to mouth.

God, he has been an idiot and I am rambling. What on earth do I do?

cheapskatemum Mon 29-Jun-09 20:00:22

IMHO he has made himself dispensible. Can you save money by staying with relatives until you are ready to earn more? TBH, childcare costs would eat into your full-time earnings anyway. At the moment, when DC2 is so young, it might not be worth your while going back to work FT, financially.

dontknowwherewego Mon 29-Jun-09 20:04:05

Not sure where I can go at the moment, although I don't think I should leave our house. My father thinks I should be supportive but I am all supported out.

dontknowwherewego Mon 29-Jun-09 20:41:05

Anyone? Please?

kinnies Mon 29-Jun-09 20:48:39

You oh has been a right idiot!
Do you still love him at all?
could it be that he is trying to make up for his past mistakes by earning more money to give you all a better life and has got himself into a cycle where he cant see a way to be honest with you?
sounds to me like he is aware how close he is to losing you and is petrified.
if you can, try to talk to him. find out waht the hell he was thinking (calmly if poss!!)
you have a very young baby and a lot on your plate so maybe, be aware that things can seem overwhelming and hopless.
i really hope you manage to come throug this ok. xx

GypsyMoth Mon 29-Jun-09 20:51:33

Well my ex stole from work got sacked then stole from next job, got sacked again. We split,other issues also, but stealing was what made me hate him. No way could I stay with him. No trust whatsover. If I were you I'd move on and never look back...... In fact I did!

Doodle2u Mon 29-Jun-09 20:59:36

Can you take control? I mean, total control of all finances?

See, he's been a right plonker and it's going to get worse before it gets better BUT he's been sober for 2 years and that is a MASSIVE achievement and he's got two jobs (work and his business) and he's proved himself to be a caring family man. All told, he's not a bad bugger but he's lost his way.

I'd give him the bottom line - either he allows you to take total control of all things financial and that includes his business, of which you are to be made a full partner with access to all information OR he ships out.

That way, you can wrestle back the situation, take him out of the security loop because he's crap at it, leave him to do his job and work part time yourself, without rushing straight back to work just yet.

dontknowwherewego Mon 29-Jun-09 21:49:15

Doodle, thanks for that. I know he is a caring man. He's just so dim, really.

We've been talking for ages this evening and when I asked him why he did it he told me it was because he is naive and stupid. Well yes, but that isn't why he agreed to do it, is it?

I can't stand the thought of being married to someone who is so lacking morally.

He decided to work and run a business in order to give him the flexibility to give up his employment in the future.

I know giving up alcohol was a massive achievement and I was very proud of him. Trouble is, I don't know if I can ever move on from that. He told me that he was so bad at one point he considered suicide. I do wonder if he has mental health issues, because his thought processes seem so warped. He told me this evening that he stole because he wanted the money, even though we don't actually need it.

He's just left to stay with his parents. They also have DS1 this evening so I am sitting here cuddling my 8 week old wondering how the hell to cope. Should I go back to work? I could never forgive him if I have to go back early because of this. I don't know how I think. I don't know if I do love him actually. I've forgotten what its like.

dontknowwherewego Mon 29-Jun-09 22:12:00

Please, I really need to talk. I'm on my own now and so upset.

whatanothernamechange Mon 29-Jun-09 22:32:40

I don't know what to say but really sorry that you are going through this. I can empathise wit hsome of what you are saying, espacially the dishonesty and the needing to work with a young baby. Is there anywhere you can go, family / close friends that will look after you for a couple of days while you can figure things out. Can empathise with the not loving but you get used to being with them after a while. How long have you been together?

whatanothernamechange Mon 29-Jun-09 22:33:17

with some and especially

Coper Mon 29-Jun-09 22:38:34

Hi dontknow,
I don't know what to say as I'm new to this. I couldn't stand the thought of you sat there on your own crying.
Maybe just give yourself some time. You don't have to do anything straight away. Doodle's advice sounds very good. I have been desperate and I just sat things out and now feel stronger. Look after your beautiful baby and don't panic.
Try to get some sleep.
I'll be around if you want to talk.

dontknowwherewego Mon 29-Jun-09 22:41:28

Our fifth wedding anniversary is this Saturday. sad We've been together since 2001. There's nowhere close to go. My friends and family are 150 miles away and DS2 has his jabs on Wednesday.

God, work. My contracted hours are 21 per week but there is a temporary full time promotion on offer. I've just worked out the tax credit situation and there isn't a massive difference between working 21 hours and getting tax credits and working full time. I could handle part time, definitely. But full time would break my heart while DS2 is so tiny.

dontknowwherewego Mon 29-Jun-09 22:42:31

I'm quite good at planning but v scared. I don't want to be a single parent but I don't want to stay with him either, I think.

whatanothernamechange Mon 29-Jun-09 22:51:36

Peace of mind is worth it. I have to say that my happiest memories are from times when I was on my own with the dc's. If there isn't a massive difference financially, can't you work part time? Will you be able to make ends meet? You have been together for a while, maybe just take things one small step at a time, and yes enjoy your baby.

Coper Mon 29-Jun-09 22:54:44

Change is very scarey but if you know that you can't stay with i'm sure you will be able to cope.

BottySpottom Mon 29-Jun-09 22:56:01

'I do wonder if he has mental health issues, because his thought processes seem so warped' - without a doubt. He was an alcoholic after all - there must have been reason behind it and I would suggest it is the same reason as what is behind this. He might want to get some sort of psychotherapy if you decide to give him another chance.

I'm afraid I don't really have any advice, but I hope you work something out.

ConnieComplaint Mon 29-Jun-09 23:03:40

Do both sets of parents know what's going on?

Perhaps if they were aware they might offer to help out a little bit now when ds2 is still so young?

If you love him I would say stand by him & try to make it work, but is it worth it, leaving your newborn so soon, killing yourself going back to work so early, if the marriage is going to end anyway?

I agree that he was very daft, but goodnes knows what came over him. I agree that he has done really well giving up alcohol.

When he's at his parents is there any way you can have a private phone conversation with him? Especially if you may find it hard to talk face to face?

dontknowwherewego Mon 29-Jun-09 23:35:47

Both sets of parents are aware. I asked his parents to come here as soon as I knew so that they could look after the boys while I got to the bottom of it.

I have spoken to him at length. His Operations Director has told him that he is fighting to keep him. They have been friends for a long time, and he is meeting him tomorrow. If he keeps his job then of course that will make life easier but I just don't know if our relationship can last this. It is almost like I survived the hard part but failed the easy test.

My father keeps telling me I need to be supportive and not to rush into anything. But I've been thinking about this for ages.

dontknowwherewego Tue 30-Jun-09 08:42:25

It all seems worse this morning.

Lemonylemon Tue 30-Jun-09 09:33:18

Maybe your relationship won't survive this but I would try to keep at it while DS2 is so little. If you can take control of the finances and see if you can eke out the money (if your OH manages to keep his job) until you are due to go back to work, this MIGHT help.

I'm sorry, but I can offer you any advice either - I lived with an alcoholic for 2 years and in the end, had to pack up his stuff in black plastic bags and take it round to his Dad's place and change the locks on my house pronto. I had my DS to consider, as well as myself. But it was the constant lies that did it for me - I think my ex was living a Walter Mitty existence.

dontknowwherewego Tue 30-Jun-09 09:40:56

Was he still drinking when you found out about the lies? I really think, after sleeping on it, that he has mental health problems. It is hard to describe but he doesn't seem right.

I've been on the ohone to Relate this morning. They have an appointment tomorrow.

Thanks for sharing. About to ring tax credits people to see if we'll qualify for something.

daftpunk Tue 30-Jun-09 09:47:21

hi smile

you have a lot on your plate atm...2 dc under 3 is hard when everything else is wonderful!

if i was you i would start to build a life for me and my dc without too much involvement from your dh...get a full-time job, get security for you and dc....but don't leave him. ...if he is a good father, that's worth alot.

dontknowwherewego Tue 30-Jun-09 09:55:05

I do hear what you are saying, and sensibly getting a full-time job is sensible, under the circumstances. I just don't think I could forgive him for forcing me back to work when DS2 is so little. It happened first time around and it broke my heart then. I hate him at the moment for doing something so stupid that will massively change our life.

daftpunk Tue 30-Jun-09 10:03:55

listen...if you leave him you'll be on your own with two kids...that's not easy..i know you don't trust him and i can see why..but i would try and forgive him...i doubt he deliberately set out to hurt you.smile....

i guess it depends on whether you still love him or not?...if you do, you can pull this back and make it work...trust can be regained.

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