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Bomb dropped by DH

(26 Posts)
littlelozz Mon 29-Jun-09 14:01:31


Im not really sure where to go or what to do so looking for some advise. Not got anyone to talk to really.

Dh been a little bit strange the last few weeks. We had DD2 7 weeks ago and he went back to work 4 weeks ago. He hasnt lifted a finger to help around the house since being back at work and for once I havent nagged or moaned - just left him to it. He doesnt do any night feeds as he normally gets up with DD1 in the morning and I dont mind as it means once DD2 back to sleep I dont have to get up straight away.

He has had the flu for a few days and instead of the normal unsympathetic wife I can normally be, I tended to his every need without moaning or sighing or anything!

Yesterday he wanted me to take him money for his lunch as he forgot. I refused as I was going to have to go and get him when he finised and I was busy with the ironing and washing. He went in a mood and after a few heated text he replied 'dont know why I bother' Asked him what he meant and didnt get a reply.

Comes in last night and on the whole was a moaning bugger until near bed time when he cheered up, felt better and fed our DD2 for the first time all week.

He comes to bed and tries to wake me up for sex. I go mental because I am so tired and hate it when he does this. He stomps off the couch to sleep where I follow for answers to why he's been a bastard the last while. His answer - 'He loves me but wakes up some days and isnt IN love with me.'

I am totally shocked and dont know what to do. He says he will always love me but doesnt know if he is in love with me. I dont know if its because of DD2 being born or what. He says it isnt anything I have done but surely I have?

Have agreed we need to talk but what do I say? I know we argue and I do nag sometimes but I really thought we were in love with each other completly. I am being naive??

L x

Overmydeadbody Mon 29-Jun-09 14:05:41

Being 'In love' is always just a phase that stops after a while. Usually it is replaced by real love, actually properly loving someone, and if it isn't then the relationship usually ends.

I do tihnk you need to talk though, as it doesn't sound like his behaviour is reflecting any real love for you.

Love is an action, not a feeling.

Rhubarb Mon 29-Jun-09 14:11:16

I think you've both got a lot on your plate atm. Following him with demands for answers last night was probably not the best of ideas. We can all say stupid and insensitive things when we are angry.

You do need to communicate more. Tell him how much you do during the day and why it is that you don't want to be woken up for sex (an incredibly selfish thing for him to do), then allow him to tell you how he feels.

Having a second child can be a huge shock. You both need time to readjust to the changes in your family.

Do you have any babysitters that will allow you an evening out with him?

fluffyanimal Mon 29-Jun-09 14:13:48

It may just be a case of feeling overwhelmed after your new addition. That could be throwing things out of perspective for a while.

Find out what he means by 'not IN love'. If he means some days he wakes up and feels overwhelmed by the mundanity of life day in day out with 2 kids, one of whom is very tiny and demanding, and a wife who is probably v tired, then that's entirely normal and what life is like. It's about readjusting expectations and focussing on the positive. If on the other hand he means that he feels you've both lost something significant in your relationship then it's more serious and you need to work out what it is and whether you can get it back. But 7 weeks after a new baby is not the best time for this, as you need to give it months at least to settle to the new way of life.

Talk to him but try not to worry and try to get both of you to be prepared to give it time.

LoveMyGirls Mon 29-Jun-09 14:20:11

I found asking my dp for specific things after dd2 was born really helped. He wanted to help but didn't know how or what would help the most so I asked him to

empty the dishwasher and refil it when he got home from work.
Bath dd2
Help dd1 with her homework
Put bottles in steriliser

Once he knew what I wanted and I saw he was helping out by doing what I'd asked I then had a bit more time and energy for us again so that made him happier and in turn I was happier. It does take time for things to settle down again.

I think he is probably just feeling overwhelmed but doesn't know what to do about it.

LoveMyGirls Mon 29-Jun-09 14:23:04

Also I think not taking him money for lunch was harsh because he must have been starving, no wonder he was moaning when he came home I'd be like a bear with a sore head if I had to work all day without food. The washing/ ironing shouldn't be more important than his basic needs tbh. I know you probably thought well he's an adult he should have remembered, his own fault etc but we all forget things sometimes especially when you have a tiny baby in the house and aren't getting as much sleep as usual.

2rebecca Mon 29-Jun-09 14:40:24

I wouldn't be happy if my husband preferred to do housework rather than bring me money for lunch, although I'm surprised he couldn't ask a colleague. Depends on his job I suppose but I've usually got someone at work to ask if stuck.
I'd be upset if told this, but hassling him late at night when he's tired didn't sound a great idea. Sounds as though you need to prioritise each other a bit and let the housework go a bit.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 29-Jun-09 14:49:28

I have to disagree with OMDB.

Feelings do change over time, especially if you have children, but I am still completely in love with my DH after 13 1/2 years together. I love him as well. grin

I think not taking him money was a bit much though surely he could have borrowed some from someone at work?

You need to tell him that you don't want to be woken up for sex, you are knackered and only gave birth 7 weeks ago, and maybe if he did more around the house you would have more free time and be less shattered....

littlelozz Mon 29-Jun-09 14:53:57

Thanks for all your replies - I have to nip out to get DD1 from the child minders.
I should have said that he wanted money but that he already had a lunch with him - he just wanted a mcdonalds. So I wasnt being to harsh plus its a twenty minute there and back drive which I would have to have done two hours later. I suppose I should have taken him money I but knew he had something to eat and didnt go hungry.

We do need to communicate more and I try to tell him how my day has been - he thinks its sometimes one big jolly being off while he is away working but he doesnt realise the day to day things that I do. Or having two childrns needs to meet.

I think Im just in shock that there was something wrong. I think I was arguing with him just for the hell of it (and to make a point of how angry I was he had woken me) and when he told me how he really felt has knocked me for six.

L x

2rebecca Mon 29-Jun-09 16:05:56

If he already had lunch with him then asking you to do a 40 min round trip so he could have a McDonalds is extremely unreasonable, and very environmentally thoughtless. I wouldn't be living with a bloke that self centred. ?Relate. Doesn't sound as though either of you are getting much from the relationship at the moment.

Rhubarb Mon 29-Jun-09 16:07:11

He is being childish if he expects you to drop everything to see to his needs, which he obv does. Has he always been like this or is this a recent development? Could he feel pushed out?

You need to pick a time to talk. Be prepared to listen and negotiate, but point out that having 2 children is very hard work, you don't appreciate him making himself a third.

He could well be depressed too. How are you for money? How secure is his job? How happy is he at work? Does he have any outside interests?

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jun-09 17:04:01

err, you were not BU to refuse to cater to his whim for a McD

I wouldn't do a 40 min (or even 5 min) round trip for that

I suppose you would have had to put baby in the car etc etc, and then do it again 2 hrs later

no fucking way, go without or borrow a few quid from a colleague if you must indulge in crap food

the waking you for sex, tell him that is withdrawn completely until he starts to help you more with all the hard work and drudgery of looking after a tiny baby

what a selfish git he is

dittany Mon 29-Jun-09 17:10:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 29-Jun-09 17:17:19

Good point, Dittany, though it appears some men can separate love and sex.

littlelozz Mon 29-Jun-09 17:53:47

Thanks to everyone for your points. Im feeling a little bit calmer now and want to sort things out.

He is very self centred some times. I think sometimes he thinks he shouldnt have to do any house work or the like. We do go through phases of him being like this - we argue and then he's good again. although Im not so prepared to keep doing this now with 2 kids.

Rhubarb - we are ok on money things and his job is secure but I know he hates it. He did mention something about his job being the reason and realised it wasnt fair to take it out on me. I think he might be a little depressed possibly. He said he doesnt think he is bonding with DD2 but he was like this with DD1 when she was just new born.

He will be in later and we're going to talk about things once the girls are sorted in bed. Im going to be calm and listen to him after reading your replies. Thanks very much ladies will update how things go x

macdoodle Mon 29-Jun-09 18:20:06

hmmm sorry but my cynical mind is screaming affair at me

littlelozz Mon 29-Jun-09 18:30:23

macdoodle - what part? the in love bit?

Have thought this but possibly being naive thinking he wouldlnt?

prettyfly1 Mon 29-Jun-09 18:44:43

I have to say I DONT think affair - nine out of ten men having an affair start being much NICER at home to assuage their own guilt and surely you would notice if he was out a lot of an evening. I just think that he is having the usual "someone is more important then me" crisis that so many men seem to have when they have new babies, be it first,second or whatever. It could be he is attracted to someone else and as a result is being nasty to you but I doubt anything else is happening. Just my opinion tho.

littlelozz Mon 29-Jun-09 18:49:42

yeah he doesnt really go anywhere apart from to and from work and if Im out with the girls he usually stays in on the computer. Probably feeling left out - my mum thinks he needs to grow up which I agree with to an extent

Doodle2u Mon 29-Jun-09 18:52:01

I don't think affair either.

He sounds like he might be jaded and weary with the treadmill that is family life and I suspect that with the arrival of child number 2, it's dawned on him that this is it, for the forseeable! He's just lost his lover/friend to motherhood as well or at least, it probably seems that way to him.

The I love you but sometimes I don't feel 'in love' with you is normally the line that people trot out when they're a bit stale or things feel a bit stale and like I say, 'long term with no obvious respite looking'.

I think a good heart to heart and pointing out that everyone with children is in the same boat, will help a lot and then KEEP talking & reassuring each other.

OrmIrian Mon 29-Jun-09 18:52:33

From a few recent threads I am wondering if PND is also a male phenomenon hmm

MyNameIsInigoMontoya Mon 29-Jun-09 19:59:21

I have read that men CAN become depressed after the birth of a child, and it does sound as though that is one possible explanation and maybe worth looking into. But he does sound like he is being a bit of a plonker too about the McD's and waking you up etc. Still at this stage, it sounds as though some really good talking will probably help either way.

AnyFucker Mon 29-Jun-09 20:33:16

PND in men ?

What a load of bollocks

Nose-pushed-out-of-joint-itis, more like

FabBakerGirlIsBack Mon 29-Jun-09 21:17:14

He doesn't sound depressed at all. Pressuring her for sex and wanting junk food, etc etc doesn't equal someone who is depressed imo.

Sounds like he is sulking as the baby is taking away the attention he wants.

littlelozz Tue 30-Jun-09 21:07:45

Well we spoke - didnt do much good really. He says he loves me but isnt in love with me, wants to stay and make a go of things and is trying to be back to normal. I definetly dont want to end things but trying to be realistic that things might not work out.

He is so sorry for the way he has treated me and know's that he would fall apart if he didnt have me to do things for him. Thats changing though and we're going to work together instead of me being the house keeper so to speak.

He also seems a bit better with DD2 - she smiled at him last night and so I think he feels he is bonding now.

Feeling a little detached from it all - like its not happening to me. Ah well tomorrow's another day.

Thanks for all the replies and advise x

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