What can you do with a lovely DP who is just bone idle?

[NotAnotherNewNappy]

I have never posted on this board before and feel so disloyal doing so.... I really love my DP, he's the soulmate I never thought I would be lucky enough to meet. However, he is not without his flaws and I am so upset this morning after a rotten weekend of arguing - basically because I feel I do absolutely everything (housework, admin, planning our upcoming wedding, organising our social life, most of the childcare etc).

I go back to work pt next week (have been on mat leave with our 10mo DD) and tried to talk to him yesterday about making a rota - but he just kept ignoring me and watching bloody top gear. This led to a us arguing and then going to bed without talking and this morning I got up and told him that I am unhappy with "us" and do not want to spend the rest of my life walking around after him picking up his dirty pants. He is now devestated and has gone to work thinking we have major relationship issues. We don't - he is just sooo lazy and relies on me to sort everything out too much.

Honestly, what can I do? I am so fed up today

[mamas12]

Don't back down
He is an adult isn't he and perfectly capable of doing his share of the chores.
One idea might be for him to pick the things he feels he could do and let him stick to them whether they are done to your satisfaction or not done at all leave it, he needs to do them his way.
Don't enable him to act like a child and you are his mother.
He should step up

[CMOTdibbler]

I think that tonight I'd ask him when he wanted to talk about the housework etc (nb. trying to talk to someone about something not terribly exciting whilst there is a programme on that they want to watch is never a good start), and if he could do a list of all the things that need to happen, and which he feels he would like to do.

You do a list too, and then work out some sort of timetable for the week as the tasks might vary on the days you do/don't work. Work out what can be reduced too - all bills onto a DD, shopping list put onto an online grocery shopping site, meal plan if that helps

Then stick to it. Leave him to do his jobs, and as mama says, don't criticise how he does them

[Aeschylus]

look, there will be a lot of man bashing in this thread...

Have you ever thought to yourself, do you know what I am so Lucky to have a wonderful Man in my life, we care so much for each other...

I know what I will moan at him about his lazyness....

Fine I appreciate Lazyness can be frustrating and you want him to help...

but it sounds like you love each other very much.

do you have/want to work part time, as why not say to him, I will stay off work, so I can be happy with doing everything.

[BonsoirAnna]

It sounds like a major relationship issue to me!

[ToughDaddy]

Agree to do list with him and then allocate to him, you and cleaner.

Leave the list on noticeboard for sign off of each task

Does he think that because he is a worrking dad and you at home that it is your job to do everything? You need to address this with him.

[themoon]

Well, for a start, NEVER bother trying to have a conversation when Top Gear is on

[Tanith]

Is it laziness, or just not knowing what you want him to do?

I thought my DH was like this, but it turned out that he really did need a list of things to do that he could work from (his request). I've since been told that this is how lots of men prefer it.
Perhaps draw up a list of jobs you'd like him to do and ask his opinion and input.

My SIL also writes lists for my brother to do. However, she started as she meant to go on: the very first time he left his underwear lying around, she handed it to him with a scalding "Do I look like your mother?!" It sent him scurrying to the laundry basket

It's a good idea to say please and thank you so it doesn't sound like a list of ultimatums and demands. I know we rarely get it, but it seems the best way to get them shifting!

[NotAnotherNewNappy]

Thank you for your responses - we rarely argue and I feel very raw today.

It would not be financially viable for me to be a SAHM. Also, I think for my sanity and self esteem that I do need to go back to work PT. I don't think we can afford a cleaner but will re evaluate this once we get used to our new financial position.

I have set all the bills up to be paid by DD from our joint account. I have also set up a weekly budget. However, any ad hoc or new bills that come up he leaves for me to deal with and I am always the one saying "no, we can't have x,y,z for tea tonight as its not in the mealplan".

I am going to have a go at ordering our groceries online this afternoon.

I always thought it was more him not knowing what to do than stubbornly refusing to do it but now I am not so sure. I was trying to ride on the back of Wife Swap last night by discussing how we would share tasks when I went back to work. He never watches top gear, we don't even have a car, but I can see how this would have been a lot more than deciding who was going to put the bins out

I started off by asking him what he thought he could do to help when I went back. He said he didn't know, I'd have to write a list of what needed doing. I thought fair enough, so put it all into exel. He then looked at it and said he couldn't decide what to do unless I put timing estimates next to each task. I did this and then he disagreed with my timings, so that the washing up might take me 5 mins but would take him 20. We got over this and then he said that he would never empty the cat tray as they were my cats not his and that he would never hoover as the only time he could do it would be saturday morning and that was too awful to contemplate. He did sign up to a couple of things but it was like pulling teeth. After every task he'd switch back to the TV so I had to start the whole conversation again. In the end I gave up and went to bed with a book. He then got annoyed with me for going off and leaving him.

Sorry, this is all so petty and far TMI - I just feel so taken for granted and disrespected today. Like it's fine for me to spend my weekends clearing up cat shit and hoovering but he could not possibly bear such degredation

[Lancelottie]

Much sympathy (but no useful advice).

At intervals, I try Just Not Doing It.

The rest of the family walk absentmindedly round the piles of whatever It is, and seem only mildly concerned that they have no socks/clean cups/chance of getting to their cupboards.

Oldest boy admitted last week tat he'd worn the same pair of socks for three days. DH announced modestly that he'd worn his for four, but hadn't liked to mention the lack of laundry as he didn't want to criticise.

Criticise?? His socks, his job, I'd say. I have announced that I will do washing only for people smaller than me, or with arms in plaster.

[SolidGoldBrass]

Nann: Read this. Then tell him he's been rumbled and he either does his share or he can forget about sex.

[mamas12]

Ha that's really good solid.
Yeah he is disrespecting the family. God that sounds a bit mafia ish!)
You will get through
Ask him what he would do if you had two broken arms?
It has to be fair from the off and he does know it it's just... come on, pull your weight!

[MuppetsMuggle]

If he's not sure what to do, then only do the stuff you need to do for you and your DD like wash only your clothes and leave his, leave his ironing, only wash up your plates, don't pick up after him, hoover when you have a day off, but he'll soon realise what you do everyday when he has to do all his own stuff. Worked with my DP, I'm a full time student and have a 4yr old DD, he thought because he's at work I should do everything, i used to work part-time ontop of studying but had to give that up for medical reasons. anyway I just done what I needed to do for DD & Me and he soon realised what I had to do indoors as well as at home the fact I have OCD for being clean and keeping things organised was hard but he soon realised he needed to chip in and do things my way lol.

[motherinferior]

I genuinely don't understand. Why was the housework your responsibility to start with? Why is he having to 'help' not 'do his fair share'? He lives there too, doesn't he?

I'd stop doing any washing/cooking for him, for a start. Come to think of it, I don't do our washing in any case . Any of it.

[mixformax]

You do need to get this sorted before going back to work (hell, why wait til then?!) and also as an example to your DD.

An old friend used to share out all household chores between all the family. Wish I was still in touch with her cos I am finding it increasingly difficult being the ONLY one to ever clean a toilet in my house. And no, thats not something I really want to leave comepletly cos I know that no-one else with even notice!

[Countingthegreyhairs]

I like SolidGoldBrass's article and am going to print it out for my sister.

Definitely agree with others that a list - everything detailed in black and white and agreed - is the way to go

That way there can be no back-tracking and no opportunity for feeble excuses "oh I forgot" etc ....

Dh and I have one that includes who does the school run on which days, who does the bed/bath/story routine on which nights, who does the recycling, cleaning, washing, ironing, food shopping etc (it's not down to every last tiny detail because it would be too boring to have to negotiate every little thing but there is a solid structure in place). We also do stuff together like have a joint admin night once a month and making beds is a three-line whip family task once a week.

We've tailored the list to our individual needs ie he likes cooking and I prefer tidying up ...

I'm lucky because dh does all this stuff even though he works longer hours than me. I've opted to work school hours/term time only for the moment but childcare counts as work too!

Tell your dh that unless he engages in this you will just have to allocate tasks to him and he won't have any choice.

You have to teach him how you wish to be treated.

It doesn't matter how much you love him, or whether he is a nice guy or not, (remember you are a very nice woman!!)he needs to contribute - full stop.

[SolidGoldBrass]

I mean it aobut the sex. THose of you with lazy selfish sexist partners should point out to them that nothing kills a woman's libido faster than the feeling that sex is just another chore she has to perform for the benefit of a man who has no respect or consideration for her.
FACT: Men who do their fair share of domestic work and childcare (it;s not 'helping', it;s a FAIR SHARE as he lives in the house too and the children are his children too) are far more likely to get good sex from a happy loving partner.

[expatinscotland]

Being sexist and selfish isn't lovely, IMO.

What was he doing before he met and moved in with you, or is he a career cocklodger?

[LadyG]

1. Go on strike for a bit. (At least a week preferably two) The children's ( ? baby not sure if you have more than one) and your own cooking, cleaning, washing, social life organising will be done but nothing else. And I mean nothing. He will have to sort out his own meals/washing ironing/phone calls to his mother/visits to his family/lunches with friends at the weekend. Buy food that you like and he doesn't and prepare it for yourself. Make plans for you and DD and your friends at weekends.
   
   
2. Organise and pay for a cleaner. Even if it is only 4 hours once a fortnight. Don't feel it is necessary to bore him with the details of this. After all he wasn't interested in your rota was he?
   
   
3. Maintain a frosty silence and a look of disdain if he so much as hints at wanting any marital action.
   
   When he protests explain to him that this is pretty much the life he would be living had he not been lucky enough to meet you and have your wonderful DD.
   
   I have tried it and it worked although I am now thinking periodic reminders may not be a bad thing...

[mixformax]

(Scuse my ignorance - what is this?! "is he a career cocklodger?")lol

[2rebecca]

It sounds as though you've dug yourslef into a hole by doing all the housework for so long. It's much easier to get men trained if you make them do housework when you start living together.
I wouldn't have bothered putting times next to things, that's a bit irrelevent. If he starts slow he will get faster. If he likes watching tv then he can do all the ironing whilst watching tv. If you cook meals he should wash and dry up. He could take the kids out/ entertain them for a few hours at the weekend.
He could prepare and cook at least 1 meal over the weekend.
Why can't he vaccuum on an evening?
To me a lazy man who treats you like a servant isn't a lovely man, I would start to resent being treated like a slave.
Mind you I couldn't live with a telly addict either so me and your hubby are definitely not compatible as that's all he sounds as though he does.
Get this issue sorted before getting married.

[2rebecca]

Agree re men needing things pointed out , but my husband washes up automatically, loads and sets dishwasher if we're using it, does his own ironing and can load washing machine and hang stuff up.
I have to ask him to help prepare food, vaccuum etc but he'll do it usually without question if asked, and will cook a meal if told what to cook and given recipe book, otherwise can do omlettes and pasta and pesto.
I couldn't live with a bloke who acted like a teenager re housework and who I had to nag as I hate nagging.