Have obviously name changed for this. I need some help somehow and have been on the verge of tears all day. Apologies for what will probably be a long post...
Last night seemed to epitomise everything that is so wrong with my life and attitude towards relationships. I'm a lone parent, in my twenties and have never had any kind of 'normal relationship' in my life. By that I mean that I've had fuck buddies, had affairs with married men and women, had short-term relationships with wholly unsuitable people, had threesomes etc. But I've never had a monogamous, one-on-one relationship with anyone for more than a few months. It's something I've never somehow been able to achieve and the idea of a stable relationship is wholly elusive.
What I can do, however, is to fall into a familiar pattern of sexual behaviour with men. For the past ten or more years, I've followed a familiar pattern with men. I've only ever viewed them sexually - I made my first male friend just this year. I've always been explicit about my sex life and conversations with guys have revolved around my 'wild' antics. I feel it's a role that I'm used to playing and have no idea how to break free from this.
Last night was awful in so many ways. I met a guy that I'd been talking to online at a pub. DD was sleeping over at her friend's house. I'd already had several explicit conversations with this guy...talked about what kind of things I like sexually. He seemed fairly kinky which appealed to me. I'd emailed him a photo of myself having sex with a female friend which he appreciated.
So, met him at the pub. He's handsome, well educated, public school background. He's a doctor. I had a few drinks, we continued talking about things on a sexual theme. He told me how turned on I made him, something which basically boosts my ego. We then went back to my place. He'd told me he was dominant in bed. He took my clothes off, started ordering me around. He yanked my hair and told me to give him a blow job which I did. He hit me round the face a few times, not too hard. I said nothing. He then bit my cheek, hard. Asked me if I liked it. I asked if he could maybe not hit me so hard, which he was fine with. We then had sex, fooled around, the usual stuff. He went to sleep, I went downstairs and watched a DVD.
This morning we did some more stuff....then he said he had to leave to have lunch with a friend. I continued to play cool. Said fine. He kissed me goodbye and his parting words were 'lovely to meet you'. So, in all probablility, that's that and I won't hear from him again.
But....I feel so sad. I want to cry. I don't know how to relate to men in a 'normal' way. I'm good at playing the role of a kinky, quirky, crazy girl, but I don't want to go through life in this role. I'd like, one day, to have a husband, kids and a volvo. But that ideal seems to unattainable. I look at my friends who are in relationships and I cannot fathom how to attract a guy in a 'normal' way, let alone how to have a 'normal' relationship that doesn't involve orgies, drugs, infidelity and high drama.
I've had therapy. It raised some interesting issues but hasn't given me anything in terms of concrete plans I can take to move forwards. I've a history of self-harm (though I stopped several years ago), depression and no strong sense of self. I don't know how to move forward. I'm sitting here with my bruised and bitten cheek and neck...bright red scratches down my back and I feel so alone. In a warped, fucked-up way I even wish the guy would text me...to show that maybe he liked me in some way? I take some consolation in that he seems as screwed up and lonely as me.
I come across as feisty and intelligent in real life. I'm a high achiever....but I cannot achieve what seems to be a fundamental part of human existence - a loving relationship with another person.
Can anyone help?
Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody
Relationships
I've been slapped and bitten and said nothing
Howtomoveforward · 28/06/2009 18:25
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